Hi Gang,

I was having a conversation the other night and, as ever, being men the subject strayed onto sexual conquests. Someone asked me how many woman I have slept with (had sexual intercourse with). When I thought about this for a few minutes I realised the answer was only 3. Yes, three lucky woman! So my question to the esteemed panel is... Is this odd, virtuous, a cause for embarrassment or just plain not cool. I have to say I have to know someone pretty well before I engage in such activities, but I am afraid all I could conjure up with three names. The first one I really don't think we both knew what to do, so probably just two.

...and no, I don't live at home with my parents. I am a middle aged man with a wife!

Please feel free to jot down your experiences! BTW. two of these woman both knew about my/our proclivities add were/are happy to engage in the fun. So I guess it hasn't been an entirely wasted life.

T x

I don't think you should feel either. Unless you feel that you missed out on something, whatever number of partners you've had is just the right amount for you.

What MessyHot said.

Why do guys feel a need to ask each other this question, in the first place? Does it make them feel superior to brag about how many women they've done? Stupid macho pride!

I think the number of sexual partners is rather irrelevant for (almost) anything. A higher number doesn't make someone a better (or worse) person. And a low number could be the result of having a long and monogamous relationship, which is generally considered as desirable

Personally, i aim to be/get as happy as possible in all aspects of my life, in which sex is only one of many aspects. So i couldn't bother less about the number of partners.

And of course, quality goes over quantity

The only time you should feel proud is if you can scream "IT'S OVER 9000" for the lulz

Also, a higher number does not necessarily mean that each experience was particularly memorable.

Yes, very likely in this person's case, but I still found it embarrassing!

This is exactly what I thought. A: It is not really any of your business and B: It seemed like an old fashion question completely out of place in the 21st century. Yes, you'd still be surprised how much it still gets asked.

Thanks for the reassurance In my book this is something you do with someone very dear to your heart, not a race to the top (or bottom as the case maybe).

Plus, I've never had a venereal disease, which is something the person who asked the question cannot boast!

Love you guys!
T x

1. "I was having a conversation the other night and, as ever, being men the subject strayed onto sexual conquests." Going to take issue with the implication men talk about their sexual escapades with their friends. Yours might but I have never talked about mine, not have my friends talked about theirs with me. No we certainly aren't enlightened beings (hell the last conversation we had was about how many tins of Alphabet Spaghetti you'd need to chuck at a wall to be sure you had at least 1 of every letter stuck on the wall) we still make plenty of rude and offensive jokes with each other. Don't extrapolate from your friends to all men. Just out of principle I don't talk about what I do as what I do with the women I'm with is secret unless they wish otherwise if they're an exhibitionist.

2. Personally my view on casual sex is that if you consider all the varieties of sex and kink out there to be like all the different world cuisines you could try and sample, and that masturbation was the equivalent of a microwavable ready meal for one then casual sex is the roadkill of sexual cuisine. Rarely any good, (who cares if they do a good job if they're never going to see you again and it is usually the most bland/vanilla thing imaginable) and has a high chance of catching some sort of disease. Now I'm not one of those people on the internet that instantly judges someone with a large body count, I do think context matters. For instance I wouldn't have any issues with dating a sex worker as they would take proper precautions, similarly I wouldn't have an issue dating a kinkster who likes to have gang bangs but they vet participants for disease BUT I do start to think someone is a walking petri dish (regardless of if they're male or female) when it comes to the usual going out drinking and getting laid.

3. Frankly if men want to boast about a number then the number they should be using is finding out from their ex-girlfriends the number of times they made them orgasm. Their ex-girlfriends won't care about coddling their ego and I should know - my ex-girlfriend of 11 years was quite happy to say she didn't think she ever loved me (as brutal as that sounds that also said in the same conversation that I always made her orgasm was genuine), which I sort of knew always knew in the back of my head on both of those counts, the relationship never started out well given she was rebounding and you can use a pinkie finger to tell if most women are faking as they won't bother to make their pelvic floor muscles spasm. But at least one got the confirmation of the real life lesson to never mistake commitment with love. I was just a dumb student at that time. I'm older and wiser now, I know better on how to cultivate emotions at the start of a relationship.

4. "I don't live at home with my parents. I am a middle aged man with a wife!" As much as you may think that's relevant to this discussion but I know guys living with their parents in their 30s having more sex than other married guys in their 30s. Like it or not this factor is completely irrelevant if the dude's got game - and they don't need brains for it either given some of them wound up with multiple kids by different mothers as a result.

Thanks for your sage advice as ever, Trickster. Unfortunately, these are the rather depressing circles I fly in these days. Perhaps a change of friends is what is needed, not that I have many to begin with. No, I didn't think I should be asked this to be honest or to be rallied into telling everyone details of my personal life. Sorry, E for effort, I shall try harder not to fall into this conversational trap next time.

T x

Thanks, so when it comes to picking your friends it is worth wrapping your head around a little game theory which is basically the study of strategies in real-life decision making.

It turns out that the optimal strategy that will lead to most success in life is actually one in which you can only do equally well or slightly less well than the friends and associates you surround yourself. This may sound paradoxical in that the most successful strategy in life means you can't exceed the performance of those around you but the point is that you all rise together in terms of success like you are all together rising in a hot air balloon you succeed together. Whereas other strategies in which you can out perform or do better than those around you are those in which you're fighting over the scraps instead of the hot air balloon think of 'winning' in this case as being the last one of your friends to drown when your boat sinks at sea. Sure you won lasting the longest but what you won is leagues worse than the guy drawing or losing amongst those in the hot air balloon.

You may find it easier to get your head around it with this video (the point is only really made in the last few minutes of the video BUT you will need to watch it all to fully understand it):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mScpHTIi-kM

Essentially if you surround yourself with the wrong people, even doing the right things that would lead to success generally will fail AND if you're around the right people, doing the right things doesn't mean you rise above them, but that you all rise together.

There's a lot to digest there so I'll leave it at that for the moment but you should be cautious before applying the rest of the conclusions in the video to romantic relationships. The conclusions of best strategies assume you are dealing with all types of different people with differing strategies whereas you choose who you have a relationship with in which case you should be choosing someone trustworthy in the first place which changes things (and actually means Chaos Theory has better predictors of success but that is even more complicated). Essentially rather than the 'retaliatory' part of Tit for Tat in a romantic relationship you should be ending it to find someone who you can both be completely trustworthy with as you have a choice of who you interact with there unlike having to deal with the general population at large.

I'm on two, and I've been with #2 for 10 years. Do I wish I had more experiences before settling down? Sometimes I do, but I also know I have trouble not getting emotionally attached, so two fulfilling, serious relationships are enough for me.

I won't state the number as it is irrelevant, but it isn't a big number. But then I have had a WAM model pleasure herself in my flat so there's one for top trumps sploshing!

Spawny Get!

So... Wilt Chamberlain?

Man, my power level is 1, and I'd be ok with that if that 1 were still around and loved me. And even though there isn't a 2, and there probably never will be, that's ok with me because I feel similar to OP. I wouldn't say virtuous or embarrassed, maybe depressed a bit.

I'm human and I kind of want sex because... well I'm an electrochemical cocktail built that way. But having been around a lot of performers and making friends with some, I realized I don't really want a lot of sexual partners, and certainly not with strangers. I don't need to be strictly monogamous, but I want meaningful relationships with people I love and that love me.

I remember being asked about what my body count was. 10,000. but that is kills in my Battefield career, not sex.

But in that moment when I said 10,000 and gave no context.

The body count talk was recently shared around my sports team. It seem rather outside the norm for soicety.

As for the women I have engaged in sex with all of them were escorts. Bang for your buck. Huh that's a pun?

I emphasize with this, as my experiences fit most of what you described. I do feel that being shy made me miss out on more adventures when I was younger.

Muddddy x

I also have had thoughts like that, that if i would have made other choices in the past, things would be have been different now.

But i let that go, as it can make one feel sad for no use. Obviously, we can not change the past. And on the positive side, the decisions we made and things we did (or didn't do) made us to who we are today.

I think the important thing is to accept and love yourself, so to be happy with who you are and things you have accomplished in life, and look forward in a positive way to realise realistic goals that will really improve your happiness in the right way (and not be sad about the past and/or chase unrealistic dreams or ghosts, only to get sad and disappointed when these never get in reach).

Addition: Or seek (too much) distraction in short sensations that will blurr the focus on your way to improve life/happiness.

One thing a previous partner pointed out to me, my definition of having had sex and the definition my partners adhered to might be very different. That didn't really register until I had my first serious girlfriend. When neither of you have a flesh and blood penis it's just not as black and white anymore. I used to attach a lot of significance to the number and keeping it low; seeing it as a desirable trait if a partner had a low number too. Now if I were single I'd attach no meaning to it at all especially as I'm not even sure what I would count as adding to the number now.

People who parade their count around as a trophy, run a much higher risk of winning an STI.

Statistically, one man and one woman for life is the most stable relationship (and environment for bringing up children); but reality doesn't work like that, especially if (like me) you wanted an adventurous woman. But death, mistakes, curiosity and numerous other factors all play their part in forcing us to reshape the dreams of yesterday into the reality of today. Life can be tuff, and lonely - strive for someone to share it with, rather than to stand atop the biggest mound of bodies.
Dead bodies don't so much as thank anyone, but two individuals who'll willingly submit to each other is a relationship you can't put a price on.

The wisdom being displayed here is both comforting and worldly wise. Thanks for everyone's input. Yes, I know at the end of the day it doesn't matter, there is no shame and those who choose a loving and respectful relationship are the real winners and not the idiots who keep a tally mark next to their beds.

Thanks everyone!

Liz

Body count shouldn't really matter and less is safer % wise unless engaging in super high risk activities and you n partners not being tested.
However I do think it's important for you to know what you like in terms of how to pleasure your self and the other partner and while practice can make things better people can also use the Internet to figure out their shit these days.
I've had female friends who didn't feel safe asking their girl friends so we'd end up talking and it's not like I've been w a lot of people either but they would have questions I would think would be something women should talk with. A other friend reamed me cause she said it wasn't appropriate for me to be "helping" our more innocent friend. And I was like ya no shit u and I both have had some experience in the end and are semi to super kinky, BUT it'd fucked up she came to me and felt safe and not you, and yall grew up together.
My wife was semi like that she lain my dated seriously me and one super long term bf. Think she was getting into her fucking around stage when she met me but didn't really know what she liked and wasn't very experienced. I think her other friends had to kinda tell her things and now I think she asks them for sexual advice (which I do appreciate)
One of her friends when she heard we was going on first date she asked, wait bra are u gonna wear knowing my wife didn't have "sexy" bras just padded ones and she was like noooo u have to get fun bras. My wife didn't listen lolz
Her other friends also when first heard about me / met me found out I half jokingly asked her to stop by the house when she borrowed my car for a big girls trip in our area but she needed to drive people back and forth from airport. I was like why don't u stop by and give me some head instead of gas $ and she told her friends who'd I met once n we were new to dating. Her friends said she SHOULD HAVE cause she didn't let me drive her text more than five min away so I had to use Lyfts all week. Now when it's just us her friends remind my wife they r on my side w team more blow jobs.
I wish she would have felt safe asking her friends stuff way earlier (but also super happy she let me wam her right off the bat and now likes to add ideas to the sessions)

If limiting intimacy aside from the context of marriage was a goal for you, by all means feel virtuous! You set a personal/life goal and achieved it, good for you! That said, the "trophy" for that tends to get lost in the mail.

Your friend may well be a lifelong mate but he also might be perennially stuck in jr high by asking that question; I'm middle-aged as well and it's been a good two decades since anyone, guys or gals, bothered to ask that one. Better to ask if everyone's okay where he is now, vs demanding to know his "count."