It's been a rough couple of years for me. One after the other, I'm losing my family one after the other. In the past two years, I lost both of my remaining grandparents, two uncles, a cousin, my mother disappeared (definitely homeless, possibly dead), and I'm headed out after writing this to deal with my dad moving into a nursing home for the rest of his life.

These are things that happen life to everyone, but I'm finding less and less I have people to talk to about them because they're all dying. Trying to balances all the responsibilities with the feelings is so overwhelming. Have to keep a fake face on all the time at work so I can keep a roof over my own head...and I just don't know why anymore.

There's nothing left, I have no one to be here for anymore, and I feel like the entirety of my being is a cracked, broken, empty vessel.

I wish I were going to Vegas to see some of you, I miss so many of you, I hope and pray life is treating you well, but I know everyone is dealing with their own hurts and troubles right now.

Stay well my friends.

Jason, that's a very sad but honest post. I'm sorry to hear about your losses.

To be honest, I'm not sure about labor laws in your country, but talking to someone (HR for sure, or at least a colleague) can help. Because if your performance declines without anybody knowing why, it will be worse than letting people know that this is a phase of life that everybody will inevitably go through.

Aside from that, talking to a professional is a must. Either via the GP or via BetterHelp. Because Jimmy Carr once said it very well: "Grief isn't something you get over, it's not something you go through. It's something you walk with."

There's plenty of great memories and fun stories to make still. Best of luck getting through it!

I am so sad to read this. I'm sending you a massive hug. I lost my father figure a few years ago and now have to help care for my gran & I list 5 people last year and actually had a bad dip in my mental health twice and again over the new year break. Being messy and the community have massively pulled my through please please don't feel alone, my inbox is always open and I know so many others will be, perhaps also do reach out to professionals or free phone lines also but please know you're not alone.. even when it feels it. Anyone who follows me on my bakery OF will tell you what a dark place I've been in and honestly the community are just incredible so please do always reach out Be kind to yourself, remember we are here and you're not alone. Take each day and I promise you with all my heart the days will get easier and lighter. Sending you huge love x

sorry for your lost as read this as well .. agree more with bri .. i lost my mum few year ago and not be still hear talk about it was not help from bri and darla and others help me . and hope you have same people around you as well if not drop me dm on x or instgram happy chat !

Thank you everyone, I just mainly needed a vent, and I remember others here have been dealing with similar over the last few years.

Enth, I AM actually very fortunate with my job. My direct bosses actually very good with me as we used to be a small company, but we grew into a large corporation VERY quickly. So actually my direct supervisors care a lot more and are willing to bend the rules far more than HR is willing to. I have a partial FMLA (family medical leave act) where I I don't have to worry about losing my job, but it doesn't pay anything if I use up my time off (which is sadly gone).

Bri, Space, thank you for the support as well. It just feels like every free moment is consumed with care for someone, which I don't mind, but there's just not enough hours in the day. I need clones of myself right now.

Sending love dude. You always come across so nice in here. I wish you didn't have this pain to deal with. Keep going & I hope happier times and peace come your way

Aww man thats hard. Life deals you some difficult hands and it seems you've got 5 in a row. Every single one of those loved ones you have lost will be wishing you the best and telling you not to be sad about their passing. Life each day in honour of them because they would be telling you to do just that.

Taking loss after loss like that really does take a toll on the body so look after yourself and maybe consider counselling to talk over the emotions and help you deal with them day by day. Counselling is fantastic but you will need to open up to them and that might just be the vent that you truly need. I hope you get through this. Its always darkest before the dawn.

Hi Jason,

Sorry to hear what you've been going through recently, and I know it's just even more after several years of an ongoing weight of the world on you. Having been here a long time, sometimes active, sometimes just hanging back and lurking, and also having met you in person at the early Philly UMD meetups I know you to be a good, kind and empathetic person. You're kind of a spirit and mentor of UMD, or a favorite uncle, frequently advising, almost mentoring newbies to the room, not to mention that lucky cousin who shared with a very jealous family his experiences of a session with Jayce.

You make me think of George Bailey in "It's a Wonderful Life," taking on the weight of the world in his own life, unaware of the many tiny ways he touched the lives of others throughout. I know there have been periods when you've had to step away from here for a while for your own mental health. Totally get that, and glad that you have the awareness to manage self care. But for me UMD.net is always a little "less" in your absence, and I'm always glad to see you return.

Sending good wishes, thoughts and vibes your way,
Steve

I was with him last night, we had such a good time. I told him I was going to take him for pizza today. And just like that, he's gone.

I'm just glad I was able to be there and hold him in the end.

Stay well my friends.

So sorry to hear this J

My thoughts out to you and the family dude

So sorry for your loss Jason, glad for both of you that you were able to be there for him in the time leading up to this and to the end.

10 years ago, when my mother made the decision to go off oxygen and allow the morphine to be administered, (long time smoker) my sister and I sat up in her room all night telling stories, hoping she could hear us. In the morning, her nurse told us that often she sees people hanging on, not wanting to go with family in the room. The cafeteria had just opened, so I leaned into mom, and told her "We're going to get coffee, if you're waiting for us to leave, you have 15 minutes." We're a dark people. I gave her a kiss on the forehead, told her I loved her, and the nurse was coming for us as we were walking back.

Do you like Franzone's? If you ever want to go sometime, hit me up.

In Bridgeport? Haven't been in forever, but yeah, good place. How often are you out this way?

Dropped you a DM.

I'm really sorry that you're going through all of that - it sounds like a whirlwind of problems in a short time. It's good that you were there towards the end for your dad. Hopefully things will improve soon. (I'm not sure what else to say that doesn't sound hokey.)

You don't have to say anything man. The positive thoughts, vibes, and love are coming through. Thank you.

A biological revelation is a biological revolution. Goodbyes are goodbyes. We go through countless goodbyes our entire life. Certain ones are of course tougher. By the way, final goodbyes dont exist. Seriously. For in this biological chapter of life when we say bye to someone and think "thats probably the last time i will ever see that person, usually its true but only by succumbing to it. Human intuition and its attention to energy flow in those moments guarantees it. While we live in a ecosystem than can be traversed entirely in the time frame of one day. So when we deal with those emotional circumstances in our lives, what we are really thinking, is that ever and forever are the same thing. Their not. Forever is "for-ever". its pro-ever.
Much different that saying ever-again. Wow. Even typing "ever-again" sucks. Those words..... ever-again.... LOOK DIFFERENT AND ACTUALLY MAKE SENSE AND PROVE EVERLASTINGNESS, when typed like this.... Ever, again.
My mom suddenly passed 7 years ago. In her sleep. We were very close. She had 2 children, now adults. Me and my older brother of 5 years. So, as i said we were close (as was her first child my brother)had a lot of shared personality traits, and i was her baby, And we are geminis
Of course I miss her. Yes I miss her hugs. And guess what, she will have to wait as long as i do for when that embrace will happen. And it will. Not sure when but i know I dont have to hope it will. Nor do i put faith into it. Nor do I believe I will ever hug her again.
Why?
Because I know it. And so does she.
Ask yourself this: do you put believe and faith that you will die? No you dont. you do that shit with ones youve lost. and you do it with yourself too. You, like most, hope and believe and pray that they (and/or you) go to heaven. I mean, death is scary enough. Some where, and when, idk but humanity decided, no. Power hungry, evil humans inserted more fear of death by magically and tragically, as they always do, in pride and prejudice create heads or tails hope systems that exist only in black and white and no color.

Anyways...my freequency words of love and respect and comradierie and compassion are as folows:
Fuck hope. we should start pronouncing it nope. Fuck believe. all i hear in that word is be-leave. When i look at it i see be-lie-eve. And im not for lies or liars which means im also not a be-lie-ever. I mean why would anybody? We dont express gratitude, show apprecieation, or count our blessings after were born. You know, like we were almost born into some crappy universe on a crappy planet do we? We should feel those things immedieatly after we open our eyes, Instead we cry. For the first four years we cant even talk to our own thoughts.
As great as a species we are we really have the important stuff bass-ackwards. We cry when we should joyously sing, we fear what is known on the surface level when we should embrace it. Because we cant embrace it. Why? Because the already conditioned adults that raised you and I were conditioned by conditioned adults before them.
Just as you said, you are "dealing with loss". As if the almighty dealer dealt you a hand at a poker table with you as the only player.
Or better yet. Thats exactly what we are told about unknown things, including most importantly love, life, and eternity. We are told to fear everything not known or yet to occur. We are told the past is gone and memories are sad and centered in regret. oh, and that the scariest, saddest part of life is when you are forced to say goodbye forever to those you love while simultanesly trying to harness emotions of great fear and saddness of our own immeninent death, while we perpetually lose hold and sight of the moment. Last checked, sitting at a table wondering why were being handed cards with symbols and colors and while waiting on being told what to do, have comprehended that we are alone. With no one to ask what is going on, and what to expect to occur in this beautiful existence of, hell, for all you and I know, just a dream.

Either dream or not, I personaly am going to sing merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily...... as i row my boat gently down the gentle stream. I think i will relax and feel the flow... and allow that water to guide me in the direction of life and love. Not death and fear.


a game by ourself

I lost my dad this week suddenly. He's been in relatively bad health the last few years, but he was managing it well. He died in the hospital and it wasn't expected. This week I dealt with the funeral and everything that goes with it, including family dynamics. After taking a very small breather, I started clearing things (kidney related) out of the house. He was 78, I'm 51, and have never lived alone. Please don't laugh. I've spent my entire life taking care of my parents. My mom passed 6 years ago, and now my dad. It is so lonely. I feel guilty thinking about wam,mud and my other fetish now. I have a trip planned in a couple of months to go mudding, but I feel guilty about going. I'm just so damn lonely.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss... I've found it not only affects you differently at different times, but also differently with each person lost. Dad hit me a lot harder than my grandmother though I was closer with her.

Remind yourself that you're allowed to hurt, and you should not feel guilt for trying to live your life. Our time here is SO VERY SHORT.

Take care of yourself the best you can and allow yourself to have some joy.

Thank you. That was very sweet.