I live in NYC, I'm single for the first time in a long time and at an age where it's a good time to indulge. It just feels intimidating to put myself out there at all when as a woman you get a deluge of messages for expressing interest and its so hard to determine who is trustworthy and compatible enough.

I'm really into cruel humiliating wam and that's makes it feel even a little more tricky. I would love to find someone who can start a dialog around crazy fantasies but also is patient and realistic enough to start small and figure out what actually is enjoyable.

Any tips? Any other women take the initiative to fulfill their wam fantasies? Almost want to just get into content creation because it's a more clear cut way to experience wam...

Public meetings before private obviously so you can vet people. Ever think about conventions etc? Great way to meet likeminded people, also to get into content creation.

Fetcon is coming up next month for instance, not sure how much WAM interest there is, but it's just an example.

I've been thinking about this a lot as someone who's met up with people from UMD before and my general advice is be very clear on your boundaries/desires and make sure you negotiate a scene to your comfort level if you're considering a meet up. Being firm and confident on this absolutely helps filters out the time wasters.

Hi! My advice is, "listen to Sororia."

As an active member of the bdsm community I see a lot of similarities regarding your challenges, especially since you're into cruel humiliating, which is very related indeed.

One of the things that are similar is that you need to separate between play and off-play. That person must be a very nice person off-play.

I never do a session with someone without talking to them for at least 2 to 4 hours beforehand - and consent talk and negotiation is on top of that. And I'm a top so I'm not that much at a "risk" - but I still insist: I need to know that my scene partner is of sound mind, and in control of their lives.

Many other things can be learned from a basic bdsm education. Like pre-scene talk and planning. The need for aftercare. That there is a risk of a subdrop a day or two later, and it's still considered part of the scene, so you gotta be there for each other in such a case, so you have to exchange phone numbers for that.

In bdsm there is a network and you can find out if somebody is "good". The messy community is much smaller, so that's a bit more difficult.

There is also a support network in bdsm - like websites with volunteers to contact if you have any problem.

Oh and there are introductory events, with a lot of talk about ethics, the risks involved in any of the fields, and lots of knowledge to be gained. And then there are introductory courses and workshops for all the specialities.

BDSM in central europe is really really cool and well organised I tell you Not much of a messy scene here neither, though.

My main suggestion would basically be to connect to your local bdsm scene first. Go to munches (meetups), and tell them that you're into a rare form of bdsm. That would be my suggested way forward.

If you need a few pointers or have questions, chat me up or send me a message!

Good luck!