I've come to understand my situation won't change. My wonderful wife is very vanilla and though she has 'tried' to engage with my fetish nature she has made it clear that she doesn't like it. I, however, love gunge, messy play and wetlook. For a long time I thought there was something wrong with me, but I came to understand that there is nothing 'wrong' with me. There is also nothing wrong with my other half, but I have given up trying get her to engage.

So all my play is solo unfortunately.


I wondered is anyone else in a similar situation and if yes what helps you cope when you feel the urge to indulge? And do you feel a mental strain?


Sorry if this has been asked before.

Very similar over here, and no advice on coping.. I have lived a "double life" semi-secretly for the last 14 years. It is stressful and disheartening when I get in the mood. I try to satisfy myself and try not dwell on it. It was mentally much harder in my twenties; in my thirties, I've grown more nihilistic. Godspeed Speccybeard

Same here on many partners.

I can't offer anything really as we are all different but I imagine it feels quite lonely sometimes, not being able to indulge. If it is affecting your mental health, you might want to talk to your partner about it. They might be open to the occasional play for you, or for you to hire a professional every now and then. Could be somewhere in between or staying as you are now and a part of you is not realised, something that you might have to accept.

But if you don't have the conversation you will never know where you two stand and what you might get and you partner will not know that it is something that is important, regardless of the outcome of the conversation.

Personally I "cope" by having zero libido and being poly. I know there 'might' be someone out there to play with but I have not found them, I go to munches where I can at least speak about my kinks with folks of an understanding nature.

Good luck.

Try baby steps?

Playing with a bowl of pudding. Works especially well in a hotel where there are twin beds and you will only sleep in one...

I just wish I had a spouse or a partner to even have this discussion with.

Similar boat but somewhat different. My spouse never liked it, but it turned out that they hated sex in general and just sort of hid it for a long time, until our eventual conversation developed into them being trans, their desires to move and change, and my need to be near my family and doctors because I had cancer at the time.

We loved each other for a long time, and truly cared about one another, but it took us 20 long years to realize that what we were wasn't husband and wife. We did our best to indulge each other's interests, but it just didn't work out.

Ultimately divorce was our solution.

Now I'm trying to cope with being older, alone, and not really desirable material as a mate.

Thanks for all the responses. It's difficult, especially when the conversation and baby steps didn't/haven't worked.

Maybe there should be a support group.

Don't give up all of my relationships have some element of wam to them even at times without realizing that

Here is a discord for anyone up for connecting with other wammers on questions or just to hang out.
https://discord.gg/U7STetfg

As I've said before everyone's fetish is different. Most WAMers will be able to relate to your circumstances but none of us will have a fetish identical to yours or be experiencing an identical situation. .
Why are you stressed?
Are you sexually unfulfilled/frustrated?
Do you feel your wife doesn't accept you because she didn't enjoy your fetish?
Are you comparing your situation with things you had in the past? With things others have? With the fantasy life the media tells us we deserve?
What needs to change to get rid of this strain?

Well, that's kinda what we are! Or at least what we're going for here!

Not really stressed just frustrated. My wife accepts me but is unwilling to do anything that might be considered more adventurous in the bedroom. I do not hold this against herein the slightest - as far as I'm concerned I won't ask her to do anything she is not happy with. I'm not comparing with our relationship with anything I've had in the past as there nothing to to compare it to. I've never really believed in the fantasy life that the media says we deserve(traumatic life experience at 13 will do that to you)

What's got to change? I dunno

Ok so you're frustrated. That means there's a bit of sexual frustration there. One thing you have total control over is masturbation. Work on your attitude to masturbation as well as the actual action. Masturbation is self care. Work on that before trying to improve things with your wife. Include some self wam masturbation sessions and work out what it is about these that really turns you on. You say your wife won't do anything more adventurous in the bed room. The older I get the more I've come to the conclusion that trying to introduce WAM into vanilla bedroom sex is a huge mistake. What a WAMer might consider baby steps can be a giant leap to a none WAMer. I'll never forget the turkey awful time I had with chocolate body paint in an effort to take baby steps. We were both totally turned off it tasted disgusting felt disgusting and got on the sheets. While you're self WAMing ask yourself would this feel better if my wife was pouring it over me? If you prepared a session and cleaned it up afterwards it's very unlikely your wife would dislike tipping something over you. Your profile pic has slime and as that doesn't smell etc it's a good one to try. It's something to consider once you're completely clear in your head what you actually want.

Ok, did she get uncomfortable with YOU getting excited though? Or was she more uncomfortable, but like that it got you excited? How long have you been married? What is normal vanilla sex like for her? Has she ever orgasmed?

I ask these things because they were some of the red flags I missed in my marriage so long.

My ex acknowledged that I liked these things and didn't have a problem with it. She even tried it a few times, but didn't like it. I thought vanilla sex was good at the time and she never let on that she hated it for more than 10 years.

So yeah, honest communication between you two needs to be paramount. Also, ask her what she wants. Go from there.

To be really blunt if that's the case she doesn't accept your fetish.

I'm bisexual. I've had both male and female partners and there's a world of difference in how they want to be treated and how they communicate.

In general I've found my female partners want to be understood and my male partners have wanted acceptance. (Something pointed out by the bloke who wrote men are from mars and one thing he got spot on in my opinion).

Anyway there's a possibility your wife is trying to understand your fetish. So she may feel you want or even need her to understand your fetish. She may feel that she could never understand and that this will be a constant problem in your relationship. As I'm guessing you don't actually want her to understand it just for her to accept it this may be worth a chat between the 2 of you.

As you like to be the gunger and gungee she may also feel like unless she gets messy too it won't fulfil your desires. It would be really helpful if she could tell you what was going through her head when she was pouring for you. It could have been I don't understand this, he is more aroused by this than by sex with me what if our sex life isn't enough for him/ he'd rather be doing this on his own than having sex with me, he seems really aroused what if he does something I don't like such as pulling me in there with him. I'm guessing that if she poured for you and she clearly disliked it you felt unaccepted and unloved and it probably had some effect on your sex life that would have confirmed both of your fears. If you do talk to your wife about any of this you might want to find out what she'd like more of in your sex life and provide it so she gets a clear message that your sex life is good she is wanted and understood.

She may also want you to understand her reaction to your fetish rather than accept her reaction to your fetish. She may feel that if you don't listen to her and try and understand her views on this then her views aren't valued by you.

We have very open talks and I do all I know how to do to make her feel comfortable in sharing her feelings(including asking for her thoughts on this). I like to think of myself as open and safe to say anything to. At the moment I'm trying to give her freedom to express her feelings when she is ready. But there are definitely some helpful thoughts I will take into our discussion(sorry I'm making this sound very formal when it isn't).

Anyone with a fetish who's not yet comfortable translating it into actions is probably better to experiment alone first. If you don't know what you want you can't tell someone else what you want. In terms of WAM fetish I think those of us who like to be messy/wet are foolish if we don't try a few things in the shower. Trying things may reveal that actually you're only into look not feel or that there are substances that don't push your buttons in pictures that ring your bell in real life.
For example when I first started chatting on line another WAMer suggested using shaving foam. I'd never fantasised about foam but they were right it felt good and was incredibly easy to shower off.

It's be interesting to hear from someone who only wants to be the gunger how they experiment with their fetish.

Yes, relationships - whether monogamous, polyamorous or even business are based on trust. If you are keeping parts of yourself from your partner you are not being honest with them. There aren't many relationship therapists that will advocate less communication with your partner. It is then up to your partner whether they want anything to do with it, whether they are happy for you to deal with those needs you have yourself or whether they wish to leave. And if they choose to leave it is not the end of the world - the objective of dating and relationships is not to just be in a relationship with just anyone but to find someone with whom you're a good match - if you have to hide a big chunk of yourself for a relationship to survive the match isn't a good one for either of you.

Confidence is not the absence of fear. Confidence is exactly the same feelings of thumping heart rate and blood rushing from the vital organs to the arms and legs. It is the thrill that adrenalin junkies seek.

The difference between your brain interpreting the physiological changes you feel in your body as fear rather than confidence is that when you don't know what to do and how to handle it you want to run and so the brain interprets it as fear. When you know what to do and that you know you've done it before the same sensations are interpreted as being pumped ready to tackle that thing head on. Confidence = Fear + Knowledge + Experience.

You can get part of the way there with knowledge, by planning what you want to say and thinking of answers to questions you think are likely to come up but at the end of the day until you've done it a number of times you won't develop full confidence to do it. There is no magic solution to skip this, you just have to do it to develop the confidence.


Anyway to the overall question. When I started dating my current partner over 10 years ago I was up front with them about all my various kinks before we got physical. They gave a few of them a try but came to the conclusion they have no interest in any of them and that they were completely vanilla. For a number of years I tried shelving a good deal of that part of me but eventually part of coming to terms with the depressive side of my bipolar II I sort of had to address my shadow that drove much of the negative thoughts I was turning in on myself. As a result I came to accept much of the loathing my shadow had towards me was due to me consistently putting the needs of others before myself and never taking a stand for my own needs.

It was not by any means the only thing I needed to learn to get my mental health under my own control but it was a key one. After a number of conversations with my partner in which I stressed that whilst I continued to love them that I had needs - which weren't a surprise to her as I had been honest from day one about having those kinks - that I wasn't getting fulfilled by the relationship and we agreed to a poly/open relationship with which I'm exploring my kinky side and she her bi-curiosity each on our own terms.

I would say it is fortunate that we weren't married but actually I had the "I don't believe marriage is a good idea and that I won't ever be getting married," chat before I ever got to the kink conversation.

Now I can't say whether or not the same option is a good one or not for everyone reading but I can say the following:

1. Far too many relationships - whether monogamous or not are setup to fail from the outset because of dating nonsense. You are seeking a good match - not just any match or getting as many matches as possible. This means connecting with people with whom you can accept all their flaws and they can accept yours. The regular dating practice of hiding all your flaws until you're deep in a relationship like mystery bomb to go off in your relationship wastes everyone's time and opens everyone up to a heartbreak that could have been avoided had y'all been more honest upfront and filtered each other out for a better match.

2. If you want a good match honesty is the best policy. If you're keeping parts of yourself hidden how the fuck is your partner meant to know if they match with it. Yes many people know that mystery has a certain romantic allure BUT if you make yourself the mystery be prepared for all that romance and passion to fuck off in about 2 years once you've been together long enough to know everything about each other and realise it was just the mystery you were both attracted to. If you want sustainable mystery, make the mystery what the next adventure is that you're going to take together is going to be.

I was going to say more but have realised how much I've waffled already so will leave it with the old communicate honestly with each other and even if it doesn't work out in the end you know what to do - go find a good match, not any match.

In general women want to be understood and men want to be accepted. In relationships we tend to give to the other person what we want ourselves. (This is one of the central themes of men are from mars and although I wouldn't say the whole book is on the money this bit has rang true for me in every relationship I've had). The acceptance Vs understanding thing can often lead to problems as they often look like the same thing early in a relationship. If a male WAMer has a female partner who is willing to get messy with him then it's probably in his interests to help her understand exactly what he's into because she may well want to supply it. That said you need to think carefully about exactly why you want to pie faces. If you
Find the reaction adorable or you love the freedom of doing something that would be unacceptable in most settings great. On the other hand if you like the pied persons dismay, if there's something a little sadistic in your desires you might want to think carefully before sharing that with your wife. I'm not saying don't share but think the why and when through carefully. Also take note because we want to understand our partners we will tend to form a theory then question it. In other words when communicating to your partner what you want the initial communication probably seems like the important bit to you but actually you need to focus on the follow up because if she misunderstands you she will base her actions on that misunderstanding and may even extrapolate from it. This is why men often complain that 1 + 1 = an irrational number for their partner. Women form a theory then test it out often through conversation. If the man is so relieved he's finally told her and thinks she's accepted it he often goes into nod and agree mode. The next thing you know she's basing her actions on a false understanding, he feels his kinks are unacceptable to her and the whole thing blows up.
Also although women like to talk things through that's not always the best way to communicate with us. We often understand a lot better from participating in something. So consider spending a lot of effort on the pies next time. Ask her if you can pie her face, apply the pie in a way that turns you on but which isn't going to cause her distress ( maybe chat to WAMers who enjoy pies to the face about what can go wrong) then once you're turned on tell her how turned on you are maybe put her hand on your cock and let her feel how turned on you are if that's something you'd normally do. Then be prepared to answer her questions if she has any afterwards.

I don't think tickler was advocating poly for everyone. Some people need to be poly some people need to be mono and others can handle both. I'd say I was in the latter of the 3 groups. It's easy to hear about poly and think it makes logical sense but actually it's exhausting. I don't regret having been poly but it was only worth while because I had 2 partners during that time who needed to be poly. Not being poly would have ment not having relationships with either of them. I've found that being mono doesn't mean my partner has to meet all my needs it means that if I have an unmet need I can't go looking for a sexual partner to fulfil that need. At one point when I was poly I had 3 partners I loved who all met different wants but needs were a different matter realistically I still get the same amount of my needs met by my one monogamous partner and the rest of my needs then and now are met by non sexual relationships.
Practically male WAMers hugely out number female even if a male hetro male is in a poly relationship he is still going to need to have some awkward conversations to get his WAM wants met.

There seems to be a prospective issue here. You've done the tough bit by talking about mess. It's like you've made your base camp at a false summit. You think you're in the foothills but you're only a few feet from the top! Because pies are your fetish trigger they seem like a big thing to you. They're not. A pie is less than a gunge tank to most vanilla folk. A pie is something you wipe off your face and clothes then change when convenient unlike gunge/mess tipped over your head or inside your clothes.
Yes I completely get that if you feel unable to do something for your partner then you feel you can't ask them to do your thing. However your pie thing is probably less to her than the mess she's already given you. Also bear in mind women seek to understand she'll want to know exactly what you're into so that she can give you the best bang for your buck. Not giving her the full details leaves her aiming at the wrong target. It's asking questions about her desires and listening carefully. As hers are likely kinks rather than fetishes there's probably a wide area to play with. When your a fetishist it's easy to lose sight of the fact that non fetishists don't have such specific triggers.

Candy has a few wamstructions designed to guide someone through messing their partner which might help. Although technique will play a big part in any experience. "I want to be pied" how? thrown from across the room, smushed slowly, drawn out with little dabs before a huge smash, face pushed into it? Then try pours etc. I guess if you're not into it yourself but try to indulge your partner it could feel like whatever you do isn't what is desired, you're trying hard to make them happy and not getting there. I guess if there's a scene where the desired techniques are used, that could be suggested as ado this.

My wife is the same, she is so vanilla to the point where she thinks oral sex is disgusting but I knew what I was getting into and still married her because I still love her for who she is so marrying her was well worth it despite the totally lackluster and boring bedroom life. So in essence I'll just have to keep resorting to plugging major intimacy holes with fantasy.

Yes there may be guides on how to maybe convince a partner but I know my wife really well, she will never ever partake in this fetish or pretty much any fetish at all.

That's...that's so sad. My ex wasn't into it either. But they realized how much it was apart of me. They encouraged me to go to MM's first real meet up back in 2016 and even came with me!

Things obviously didn't work out, and I've written about that in other places. But I'll always appreciate how encouraging they were to me regarding this.

Spouse?

Hell; I gave up on the entire notion of dating, much less getting married, YEARS ago. Long enough that if I told anyone, they'd probably call me a liar. So the idea of worrying about what she would think about it, or me, is a moot point. The ones I ever so often might find myself interested in or attracted to are either already in a relationship (and I don't believe in cheating) or have no interest in me in that manner for a variety of reasons, so I resolved myself that I am simply going to eventually die alone. So be it.

I suppose the point of all this isn't so much to whine about it, but to point out that those of you who DO have someone in your life that worry about whether or not she will accept this one aspect of who you are, are possibly far more fortunate to HAVE someone to worry about in the first place. Not that your concerns aren't real. Only that it might help to keep perspective.

Somewhere out there; Fate has created the perfect woman for me. So far, I have managed to avoid her.

My wife is exactly the same as you're - she finds it really uncomfortable.

We did have one proper session when we first got together that I really wish I'd filmed because it'll never happen again. She genuinely enjoyed bits of it but since having children her desires have definitely changed.

I've realised that the enjoyment for me in terms of being gunged is the vulnerability of being completely open with my wife which is a huge turn on.

The compromise we've found at the moment is that she is getting all the ingredients for, and setting up a messy session for me, but didn't want to have any involvement using it.

It still a turn on knowing that it's been put together by her, even though she's not taking part. Is it possible to meet there?

"I wouldn't want my partner to do anything that made them uncomfortable" is, of course, a very caring sentiment. But I think it can also be a bit of an excuse. As we've grown older, I think both my wife and I have come to realise that it's important that we keep a sense of proportion and don't let "slightly uncomfortable" get in the way of "a lot of fun". Really, how uncomfortable can it make someone to pour a bucket of gunge over their partner? Even if it's not their thing, it's not as though it's going to do them any harm, is it?

I hope that doesn't come across as unsympathetic to those who've had trouble introducing their partners to their interests, but if my wife wanted me to do something a bit weird but harmless that she obviously enjoyed, well, why wouldn't I? I'd worry that a relationship in which that was a problem needed more give and take in it - perhaps about all sorts of things, not just in the bedroom.

relate to all of the above. although i have told my wife of my wetlook kink, never engaged in it( and she dosnt know the extent of ), with me, talked about but not carried through, ( even getting her wet with a burst waterpipe accident) it merely my kink, its not a complaint as some said it about making them feel comfortable and with my wife's disability that's all that counts have always been on my own with my kink of wetlook and never expect any other,if she does get involved that would be a bonus,our love is more than the kink, that is my internal thought, but i do think that intimacy with both is sharing each others even if its just one go at some wam, except they dont like and you carry on , your not lonely with it on this site.

My partner is kinky too but their kink is being helpless. They're happy to indulge my WAM fetish but it's not their thing and as I'm a top, they're a bottom and my fetish is for the feel of mess on my skin it was fun but not as much fun as other things we do together. I've found as my sex drive has reduced to what others would consider normal the drive to do WAM stuff has also reduced. If tomorrow someone told me I'd never get messy with someone else again I'd be absolutely fine with that. When I first got together with my partner however I would not have committed to monogamy with someone who wouldn't participate in my fetish. In short sex drives and fetishes change as you age. What seems impossible to live with in you're 20s may be a non-issue once you're middle aged.

Once upon a time in BDSM circles there was a theory that you shouldn't do something as a top you hadn't experienced as a bottom. So don't tie people up unless you've experienced being tied up. On the surface it makes sense in practice it's bat shit. I genuinely had scene friends tutting me because I gave things that I would never consent to receiving. It got to the point I had a very personal explanation on most of my fetish profiles explaining why I always top. It's madness, it's trying to apply the ethics of non sexual interactions/relationships to sexual ones. You simply can't do it. If you think you can then just think about the kind of people you find attractive. Does it cover all genders, races and ages? If no does that make you a bigot? Are all the gay and hetero folk on here sexists?
If someone hates feet they shouldn't push themselves to suck toes or give a foot massage.
If someone has a sensitive gag reflex and hates having non food objects in their mouth they shouldn't push themselves to perform oral sex on a male even if they're a gay man who loves getting their own cock sucked.
Thinking back to the original posts and the conversations had in PM and chat rooms several of the WAMers had things they felt their partners wanted but they felt unable to provide. They felt they were being hypocritical asking their partners to do something for them when they felt unable to return the favour. It's something that used to worry me too. It worried me right up until the point I was polly, dating multiple people and had friends bitching at me because I wouldn't date/play with/kiss/fuck them. To hell with that.