After being on here a while and mostly lurking and reading, I have noticed a common theme/vibe about many of the posts. There are a substantial number of us on here who for one reason or another (or in many cases, a lot of them) appear to have some of those self-doubts that seem to torment most of our species in the modern era. We look in the mirror and some of us see all the flaws, both obvious and well-hidden, that define the monster we see staring back at us. All the flaws, all the wrinkles, all the fat, all the imbalances, the zits, the pores, the spare hairs, the extra set of chins or what have you that mock us in that reflected light and that we project on that face staring back at us who just KNOWS that everyone else who gazes upon it can see those inner demons just slithering upon our surface and will forever look down upon us for the Less-thans that we believe ourselves to be, especially when hope for kindness, for love, for recognition that we are indeed alive and still here despite Fate's grandest attempts to often snuff out our lives and crush our souls along the path of our lives...

(and IF you didn't feel the slightest bit of connection to any of the above, you have my sincerest congratulations on being either a creature of pedestal-worthy beauty or for being blessed to be utterly oblivious to the tap-dance in the minefield that so many of the rest of us tread upon while trying to get through another day of banality and horror that leaves so many of us doubting the reason for God's having put our souls into these bodies only to have us end up feeling alone, unlovable, abandoned of hope, and unable to achieve any sense of connection beyond the hollow social politeness that so many seem to accept as "normal" only because we have been conditioned to see ourselves through the insecurities of the culture we go through our time here in, walking as ghosts through our lives while being passed by so many of the other rats that we eventually just stop bothering with the race save for just enough to maintain an meek existence while we are bombarded with programming showing us how simply Wonderful Life Is for those few who are held up as examples of how we fail to meet those illusions (all while blissfully ignoring that the reality of most of those who are used by others are simply people the same as the rest of us, albeit typically physically prettier or with a larger bank account, but whose own fortunes depend upon the fickle whims of a "public" who most of which they will never know and who can, at ANY given point, turn on them for either expressing a bit of perceived "wrongthink" or for the natural progression of age, or just because another shiny bauble caught their eyes and they threw last year's pedestal rider into the dung heap with the rest of the unwashed masses) so most people eventually come to see SOME part of their lives and their shortcomings as a "personal failure" that no one ELSE could possibly understand.

Still with me here?

So the point of this thread is NOT to pat you on the head and try to make you believe that "Everything is fine". Because honestly, it goes against basic human nature to merely be talked out of believing that sort of drivel. It may make for classical poetry, silly love songs, and mass produced TV shows and movies where all life's sorrows are cured with a 23-minute 3-act melodramatic poorly acted morality play. But it still leaves many people searching that mirror to see only the same plain old face staring right back at them, and feeling just as alone in the world as ever and somehow at fault for all of it.

And so I ask you; each one of you reading this thread, IF you feel any connection with the above screed, to reveal just ONE thing you see of the darkness when you look in your own mirror. Not to make you feel worse about that, but to bring it out into the light of day- to pull it from that mirror, kicking and screaming, into focus and to let the rest of us see it so that it no longer has the power of fear over you, making you afraid of what others may find out about you that you think you should hide away until it mocks you in your own image because it knows it controls a part of your life and can keep you separated from others by shame, by guilt, by... Fear.

Drag it out and make that part stand there on its own, and make it answer by taking away its power over you. Take ONE thing that makes you feel disconnected and share it here, so that anyone ELSE who reads it can see that they are not alone in the same thing- and therefore, neither are YOU. Misery does love company, but common ground offers a chance to see that you are at least not alone in what ails your soul and shared strength offers a phalanx to fight your way back to the light and to some sense of connection and inner peace.

And as I started all this, I should rightly be expected to walk the walk and not just talk the talk. So here's a little glance at my own mirror today...

Happy birthday to me. No; seriously today is my birthday. I turn 55 years old today. No big deal, people do so ever day, right. Except that my father died at 55 (back when I was 19). And HIS father died at about the same age when HE was 19. So basically, I have spent every birthday since my 20th fully expecting that my expiration date will be THIS year, and that I will not see another birthday. Ever. But that's not even what haunts me.

What haunts me is that I look at this with a sigh of both despair AND relief. I have failed in SO many things in my life that I expected of myself. So many aspirations, plans, etc. But the worst thing should be that I failed to find the right person and never married. No kids, either. So when I leave this earth, I leave no one behind me to carry on my bloodline. My life, as such, has had no validity or meaning beyond myself. And yet, I find myself facing this reality with so little emotion primarily because I see no greater purpose in my having been through all the sorrows and rejection and suffering, all the losses in my life that have wound up with me having a few friends and my deceased mother's little pug which is old as well. I find myself bitter toward myself for my failing to allow myself to be open enough to trust anyone after having the heartbreaks of my youth (that's another story) and so I am at the point where I feel not fear of death but more a sense of "Finally" that my likely existence in this mortal coil is reaching its end. Unloved and unworthy of being loved by anyone I ever find myself interested in, my existence leaves me hollow, sad and angry at the world I have watched change over the last 55 years as I see myself and all I believe becoming obsolete and despised. It is just a part of growing old, yes. But it stares back at me in that mirror today of all days and smiles at my suffering.

So that's my little glance of how fucked up *I* find myself. Anyone else care to share?

Hi Jay

I can relate with a few things you have said.

I look in the mirror every day and do not see the face that I expect to see staring back at me.
Ageing can be cruel. I find the process difficult due to doing what i do.
I am constantly surrounded by young girls who all have so many issues that they shouldn't have at such a young age. I find myself becoming less and less relevant.

I am reminded of my own youth, when I was completely insecure, rejected by a parent and raised by one who despised what I was, I saw no future for myself and was of course, cursed with strange sexual desires. I had no money and no future.
I was so, so alone. I self destructed and partook of all sorts of behaviours that were damaging to myself and others. I pushed people away, never wanting people to know the burdens I carried on my shoulders, never wanting anyone to get close enough to see through my thin outward veneer. What broke me for many years was sharing everything about my sexual desires with my first girlfriend, in a clumsy, timid manner, that I'm sure only caused her to look at me in a different way, thinking there was far more horror to what I had just told her, than there actually was.
When we broke up, she dumped me, completely. It broke my heart for several years, I was not just rejected, the core of who I am was rejected.
It took me several years to get over that loss, that period of time being the time that I had quite a few suicidal thoughts, were it not for the fact I had a strong built in self preservation instinct, I could possibly not be around today.
My mental health has been up and down and all over the place for years, still sometimes struggling to rid myself of the feelings about myself I carried as a youth.

Of course I am one of the lucky ones, I am married with a child.
But "lucky" had a lot to do with that, it is so, so difficult to find someone who is willing to spend their life with you, to accept your flaws and see your qualities.
Lisa was always the one for me, from the moment I met her, but my own self loathing never allowed me to feel that she could feel the same way about me and that it was only a matter of time until she saw the real me and ran a mile.

Life has it's ups and it's downs, but, you ARE still living.
What happened to your Father and to your Grandfather, is most likely an awful coincidence.
There is nothing to say you will suffer the same fate, you also have your Mother's genes in you.
What is important is that you do not give up on life, you are still alive, you still have the chance to build new relationships, NOT just romantic ones, what about making some new friends who share your interests, who enjoy doing similar things to you, people you can go and have fun days with.
I'm sure that no matter how wrinkled your face is, or how many chins you now have, you still have so many more smiles to give, so many more laughs to share.

I'm sure others will share similar stories and in doing so, help to give strength to others.

All I ever want is to make a difference, and make people feel better about themselves, so making things worse through saying the wrong thing or not being there when someone needs me is my biggest fear.

I'd like to ask people to dig deep and also label something they do actually like about themselves.

Peace xx

Thank you all so much for sharing. My turn I guess.
Before I start, pardon the language.

I have been bullied for years when I was a kid. Well actually, from my first schoolday until I was nearing my 21st birthday, bullies were hard at work tearing down my self-esteem and were helping me build a nice cozy home of self-loathing. I am 28 now. I made the bullying stop, and when it stopped it was replaced by a far greater enemy. One I am still in a constant battle with each day. Myself. I started discovering myself as a person and didn't like what I saw. I was manipulative(not on purpouse though, I simply couldn't oversee the effects of the things I said), lied a lot to get out of trouble and simply didn't like myself as a person.

So I decided to be smart. I started drinking the life out of me(with a regular of 2 bottles of wine each evening, quite literally) for years and smoked as much cannabis as possible.

The only victories I've scored lately were quitting the drink and the smoke. And I didn't even do that myself. My body simply couldn't handle it and after a few blackouts due to a single glass of wine, the doc told me my liver was damaged. Not permanently, but it was deteriating at a high pace and would have permanent -and maybe even lethal- damage if I didn't stop at that moment.

Somehow I did, though doing the groceries is still a struggle if I end up at the wrong aisle. Nowadays I'm trying to become a good guy, someone whom I like. It's kind of working, but still left me with a lot of shit. Talking to the shrinks has helped me, but alsof openend my eyes to new issues. I have to accept I have a light form of autism, don't feel I've been born with my actual gender and still am overall depressed. I started up a small WAM production business beside my fulltime job, wich made me feel better. But I am haunted by a storm of insecurity because I don't know what I'd do if I lose this. Right now it is one of two pillars on which I build my life. Pillars that help me to escape the shitstorm that is reality. The other pillar -stupid as it is- is Star Wars. It helped me through the entire shitstorm from bullying to subtance abuse to quitting it. And soon, that story will end, and the pillar will crumble.

It all comes doen to 2020 will start off with a troubled mind and a business where I feel like I don't know in which direction to steer it most of the time. And that scares the shit out of me.

Edit: something I truly like about myself: I can comfort and help friends when they are having issues, by giving them a truly objective look on their situation and a honest opinion.

Leon and Wamtastic; thank you both for sharing in this.

Lisa, you have been a good friend over the years here and that is appreciated. So since you asked, very well.

One positive thing about me.

I try to make it a point to be an honorable man, even in an age where that seems to be often reviled. I'm not perfect at it, but I consider that to be one of the few things that no one can take away from me no matter how far things in my life may sink. If I give you my word on something, I hold myself to it.

This post is hitting home for me in a lot of ways as I can relate to it a lot

That's the crux of it- despite differences in age, gender, nationality, politics, background, etc. there seems to be a common thread people sometimes lose sight of with all the day-to-day bullshit that defines life these days. Many of us carry a weight on our shoulders that at times seems to be so heavy that we each feel isolated in our sorrows, but the Truth is that there is a common theme in our individual suffering that we may forget at times that the pain that binds us also bonds us all.

And there is strength in numbers.

I was raised that "selfishness" is the greatest sin, and that my life is not my own. It doesn't help that I tend to really only feel true joy when I'm able to do something for someone else, even if it's really small. So naturally I have placed all my worth in what I can offer and/or do for others (which is a terrible way to live life).

But it wasn't so bad when I still had things to give, and things I could do. But then the sickness came. First the Crohn's at 18 which debilitated my ability to stay in college and made me lose my job. A couple brushes with death too as sometimes your body just can't hold onto food when your guts look like a warzone. Then the rheumatoid arthritis (ankylosing spondylitis) at 20 which was so severe that some days I couldn't walk. The docs said that eventually my spine will fuse and that will be it.

As the years went by I realized it became so hard to simply provide for my needs that doing even small things for others became almost impossible. So, I lost a lot of joy in my life. But I still had a supportive wife, and I gave her my everything. I kept on going thinking that somehow things will get better,

They didn't. Cancer was next at 33, thankfully testicular. No big deal the doctors said, we're just going to rip your left nut out through your abdomen (still no idea why they don't just go through the sack but...).

Then my marriage deteriorated as my wife came to the conclusion they were more a guy than a gal, and wanted to move 3000 miles. My health wasn't there yet, I couldn't do it. So we filed for divorce.

One week after they left, cancer again at 35. The left kidney this time. My ex was gone and couldn't come back, I had next to no family, and my inlaws immediately blocked all my calls after we told them about the divorce. I pretty much had no one. The doctors said the good news was the the cancer was curable. The bad news was that the chemo needed was hell on a healthy person, and in my case they thought I had a 50/50 chance at best surviving it.

I stopped caring. I told them to do whatever. I started putting my affairs in order. I wrote a will (not that I have anything). I went through the motions asked of me by the doctors, they were disgustingly chipper even though they were surrounded by dying people who just wished they'd shut the hell up. I'd sleep a lot, each time hoping I'd never wake up. But I always did. A number of times I would sit in the bathtub with a knife to my throat or belly. But I never did it because I thought it would be selfish. Not only would my baby brother have to deal with my estate, but the horror of the method of my violent death.

I should have died then, but in August, I finished treatment, was told the cancer was gone, and rang the stupid bell. I didn't want to ring the bell, I didn't want to acknowledge I had won. Cancer failed me, and I was cheated from death again.

That was 2017.

The past two years have been extremely lonely. I'm a lot like a dog actually, an abandoned dog with no person. But my body is healing...surprisingly fast honestly. And now I have to find another purpose since death has insisted it won't have me yet.

So, I'm fucked up because I chose death over life. When the going got tough, I curled up in a ball and waited for the end. I'm fucked up because I'm still here when I didn't care, and others who have fought tooth and nail to survive didn't.

PotatoJ,

I am a great believer in things always happen for a reason.
I believe you have a purpose, a role, you might not know it yet, hell you might never know it ! and achieve it by helping others and never really know the good you did.
But you are here! And we are grateful for that x

I'm gonna say my piece on this status - just trying to get my words out properly to explain myself the best i can.