100% me. But it's not JUST WAM for me. Sex, love, marriage, kids, family. All those things become fantasies. And it gets to the point where it's not just painful for me to be HERE, but anywhere there are happy couples and people living my dream.

I tell myself maybe I wouldn't feel so resentful if I hadn't wasted 20 years of my life in a marriage with someone who pretended to love me romantically, but didn't even know who they were. Someone who at the end told me they dreaded sex and hated it every time we ever had it. Not because they hated me, but because they ended up being asexual, trans, and sex was painful. Suddenly every intimate memory, every anniversary suddenly became a guilt ridden nightmare.

Then to make things worse, I fell in love with someone here that I've been friends with for about 5 years now. And she knows it, and worse off, she kind of likes me too. But we discussed it and it would never work out.

So now these feelings are compounded whenever I see her post or comment on anything. She did nothing wrong, she was honest and forward with me, and we're still friends, but it still hurts.

I don't want to feel resentful anymore, I don't want to feel envy, hell, I don't even want to have any desire anymore. It's too painful. There's just no joy left in my life.

And so of course that snowballs and people see it, even strangers pick up that something is wrong. And so they keep away. I'm not attractive, I'm not a solid provider, I can't have kids, and my personality is fucked by this funk. No one wants to be around that. It's a vicious cycle of sorrow and pain.

The depression has been hitting hard again. Valentine's Day marked my 10th anniversary of no sex. The beginning of the year was my 5th anniversary of the divorce.

I try to meet people, physically and online but at most in only develops into the type of friendship where we ask each other for help, not even really spend time together. I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that I'm just not worth people's time, let alone a romantic partner. Even the people I were once close with in my life just don't have time for me anymore. Even getting a text response feels like pulling teeth.

What is so inherently wrong with me that other guys I know can meet and date a new person ever week, and I can't find one person in the past 5 years that will even give me a chance?

Reading through this thread and like the rest of you, I'm in a similar position in life. Alone, bitter, and angry- A LOT- at times, and then just resigned to the belief that I am simply never going to find anyone that I am attracted to who is attracted to me as well ever again before I die (which is one of the few things that getting older brings; that surely can't be TOO far off considering I have already outlived my father and his father?) so I try to just focus on other things in my life. My hobby (gun collecting/shooting) offers me some peace of mind and enjoyment in it. Ironically, the one thing I find that quells some of my anger are the tools that others presume to be "violent". The irony is not lost on me, but taking away that one thing would quite possibly also be the last straw that takes away my refuge in the process. And there are PLENTY of ways to express violence that can be FAR more destructive that just a gun or two.

But I also pay attention to the world around us, and I keep noticing that I am *FAR* from the only one who appears to feel this hollowness in their life. Nothing has joy; nothing has meaning anymore beyond the moment, and there seems to be a growing malaise in people in general. The further that civilization "progresses", the deeper the hole in which one finds oneself becomes, and much like Pink Floyd's album, the higher the walls go up to keep people out. Perhaps some of the appeal of the whole "Trash the Dress" trend in the mainstream is a reflection of BOTH sexes admitting that the formality of weddings and marriage has lost its appeal to the point that even those who DO find a spouse are ready to "trash" the symbolism of the event by destruction of the wedding dress? The mud is more pure than the lies and false expectations, maybe?

The only comfort in that becomes the recognition that for so many people, men and women alike, that there seems to be a distinct lack of satisfaction with the entire idea of marriage, family, etc. as it has become today. Divorce rates are WAY up there for those who do find a spouse in the first place, and I am seeing that in SO many cases it is not just a case of "He was bad/she was bad" but just that each one finds themselves dissatisfied in what they expected that "marriage" was going to bring to THEM (and in the process, to their spouse as well) so they often find themselves wanting "more", wanting to figure out WHY they do what society tells them is "the right thing" and they put their time, their energy, their wealth, and so much of their soul into doing what they are told is "good for them" to want and be and do. Then in some cases after YEARS of trying, they finally figure out that they have been LIED to by whatever they trusted as "the experts", "the Authorities", "the Church", "the Media", etc, etc, and now they are used up and still miserable. They find themselves resentful, angry, cynical, distrustful, and some snap, while others just plod through the mess their life has become and grow exceedingly depressed because they feel there is no way out, no better alternative "out there" regardless of whatever degree of changes they make. As the old saying goes, "No matter where you go; there you are."

So what's the answer? If I ever figure it out completely, I'll raise a banner and yell "FOLLOW ME!!!" and start a revolution against... everything. Anything, Whatever it takes to CHANGE, not for the sake of the change itself, but for a REASON and a PLAN.

But until then, I'm right down here with the rest of you. Just another miserable, hollow shell of a human being that sees NO hope of improvement in his life under the current civilization's constraints, and yet without any real direction to rebel against to fix it all. I would rise up and gladly trade the balance of my life for a cause to spend it on, IF I had any belief that doing so would actually FIX things. But I haven't found it yet. So I just plod along; lonely, bored, bitter and mournful about the waste of not only my life, but of so many others in the same predicament who are trying to find a reason to want to go on in a world that seems to view us ALL as cogs in the machine, as cattle for the slaughter, as needing to be culled save for the ones running the world needing someone else around to keep the food on their tables, the lights still coming on, and to have the rush of the power over.

Fuck'em ALL. Some days, you just have to find the only joy left in life being still having the ability to hate the sons 'a bitches who have put us ALL in this mess, and to be able to be a thorn in their sides, a monkey in their proverbial wrench. SOME days, that's all you have left.

I am not sure what to say. I guess I am here due to not having enough connection in other parts of miy life. Yes it distracts but does not solve. I have a health condition and I never expect another relationship. I expect to be single for the rest of my life.

I like many others here am a good man. I still believe I have much to offer. We owe to ourselves to maintain our selfrespect. Life , the world may grind us down but we need to remember our own value. We deserve to have the best life we can.

This is why I've given up on "happiness" and search for "meaning" instead. Happiness is ephemeral and wonderful in the moment, but can feel hollow. I just want to reach the end of my life and feel like I had some positive impact on someone, something, somehow while I was here. A measure of satisfaction that I mattered, that there was dignity to my life.

Potatoman thank you you mattered today