Discussion -

As someone who has been a member of this community for a few years, one of the criticisms I have of our platform is the near complete lack of possibility to find a partner with this shared fetish, I appreciate this is not the aim of UMD, hence my thoughts on a new type of community. I'll briefly outline the reasons below.

- The lack of female engagement due to the number of creepy men!
- The increasing number of younger single users such as myself as the community continues to grow.

A WAM dating site would be really appreciated by the community, with a few considerations.

- A social focus with the ability to accept/decline messages or report - a different platform for socialising and meeting possible partners would only invite people with that specific intention, creeps wouldn't have the chance to message those who don't want it!

- Growing engagement of some groups in the community - how to ensure females especially are more comfortable in this type of environment, I believe we should be aiming to make a system as attractive as possible to all genders! If we want to improve discourse.

- A profile could include sub-interests - discovering someone with the same niches as yourself

The lack of female interaction compared to male is apparent, I'd love to hear the community's thoughts on how to create an environment that improves this. It's not about forcing more representation, it's about genuinely creating somewhere where a healthier more equal dynamic could flourish.

These are my initial thoughts, I invite discussion

OK, this was done in a Heteronormative slant, so I will continue it that way. I am not ignoring the LGBT+ community on purpose.

Lovely sentiment but a dating site/sex, on the internet, especially niche/kink related you will ALWAYS find creeps and women will ALWAYS be inundated with emails from the vastly more men on the site.

Some ways around it:
Verification by ID. This can be faked.
Charge the men. Sounds wrong but a. you will need server room, b. men are the creeps so need to reduce the trolls/incels/creeps etc.
Invite only by members after a certain time. Get very limited access until you are rated enough by other members to gain more features. Be a creep and get demoted. Not sure how to do that.
Women are the only ones that can email, and blocking/reporting takes 1 click if the conversation goes south. I think Bumble does this?

Many problems with dating sites though; moderation, liability of abuse or catfishing etc.

Basically ask women "What can a website do to make you feel safe?" and thanks to what we already know, I dread to imagine or even if it's possible.

Finally, numbers. I have no idea how many women would engage in this compared to men, but I would hazard that there would be a LOT more men than women on a dating site.

Sorry, I am very cynical today for obvious reasons. Feel free to DM me ladies! #Catch #DadBod

The issue you are going to have is all the little boys that come to the site and don't know how to respectfully interact with women. Just like here. Eventually the women will get tired of the bullshit and leave. If you have a way to deal with that situation, I think you will end up doing pretty well.

Maybe if it was run like the dating site where women are the only ones who can start the chats, all pics need to be varified, it would be really good to have a dating site for us messy lovers

I would say you're better off finding a healthy relationship, and introducing WAM later on. You're unlikely to find a woman here to build an intimate relationship with based on a shared kink.
A successful relationship needs mutual trust, similar values and beliefs and shared interests outside of just sex.

Best of luck finding that person.

Have you been on any dating sites in the last 5 years? It's impossible to find a partner, regardless of any shared fetishes.

As others have said, it's always better to build a connection first and then introduce WAM. The tricky part is finding the right time. Some time after the first date, but before your 10th anniversary. Don't spring it on them too early, but don't keep it a secret so long that they feel betrayed either.

Unfortunately sploshing isn't a common fetish throughout the world and out of the few that even know about it, i would estimate that 95% of them are males. It is a very male orientated fetish so finding a female partner from this website is near to impossible. You are better finding a girl who is open sexually to trying new things (yes that means you should try things they like too). I met my now wife on fetlife and she had never even heard of sploshing before we met

I feel like anyone is much better off forming a meaningful connection with a person and then letting them know your fetish when the time feels right. You just have to communicate properly. The best advice I could possibly give, is when you do tell a partner about WAM...make it all about THEM.

It wouldn't work because the vast majority of men with this fetish do not know how to conduct themselves around women.

If you see a woman covered in mess on here, there's probably a 1 in 100 chance she has a genuine curiosity for WAM, but the rest are here for other reasons, mainly making money.

I'm willing to bet 95% of the active women on here were introduced to WAM by their current or past partners. Find someone you feel you can create a solid foundation built on trust and openness then go from there. The results can lead to fulfilling life long happiness.

Never mind WAM dating...I have trouble enough dating normally but to be fair, I've just given up all hopes of finding anyone, and I've grown to appreciate being alone. I'm gonna side with the others who have said you're better off just trying to connect with someone and then bringing the WAM up once you get situated and comfortable in the relationship.

Another vote for the idea that your don't need a WAM partner, you just need a partner - it's really not that hard to introduce the idea of WAMming into sex play once you're actually in a relationship. I seem to be one of many on here who met their partner conventionally then introduced WAM into the relationship. My wife is clear that although she doesn't get the same sexual thrill from the mess itself that I do, she loves the way the textures feel between us when we're having messy sex, and she loves how excited it makes me. As a result we have messy sex frequently, have been for much of the last twenty years, and I can say with confidence that we both enjoy it, even though it is nominally just me with the kink.

So, how do you know that the vast majority of men on here "do not know how to conduct themselves around women"?

As this has moved off the dating app topic I would like to say...

Kink bias: From the various Munches I have been too I would say that 80% of women I talk to have heard about WAM, quite a few have tried it and probably 50% would be happy to try with a partner if compatible.

Non-Bias: Of my female friends who know about my kink, all are accepting and about 20% would definitely try (or even have tried) or do WAM with a partner. The ones that won't have said they "will keep an eye out" because they all talk

Small number and personal biases there, but while you may not find a splosher to date, the chances of having a messy partner are ok, but the chances of finding someone who will indulge occasionally is probably quite high.

Personally; all but 1 of my partners were happy to play occasionally, 3 really enjoyed it. Because I asked in a good way and made the experience as good as I could for them.

Once upon a time a long long time ago in the uk there was a magical site called informed consent. You could do a postcode search for events and/or other users. There were forums and chat rooms. The internet was young and the kinky innocents frolicked in unpolished sites posting pictures and meeting up with abandon. A little bit of HTML knowledge and a bootleg copy of envision power board and you could even set up your very own web site for fellow perverts.
It was great for finding events but none of my play mates in those times bdsm or wam wise came from an online meet. I must have met up with at least 20 single males of a similar age to me, all claiming that friendship was their primary aim and all completely uninterested in continuing communication once they'd ruled out a sexual relationship (I say they ruled it out because I'm hardly ever attracted to someone when I first meet them where as the lads definitely assessed me and my looks then either did a mental no thanks and ghosted me (not that we called it that then) or did a mental yes please and proceeded to make such a pain of themselves that I blocked them.
Yes I did meet up with, date, play with and at one point even have a committed cohabitation with people who used sites such as Umd. However I met each of them in the flesh at either an event or they were part of an online group working on a project together.
In BDSM there are several sites geared up for dating. I've used the major once such as alt and collar space. I didn't have one successful date. Not one playmate/kiss or repeat meet. Munchs, splunches kink events and being part of groups that have run them and or related websites is how I've met all but one of my play mates, play partners and my current (hopefully for life) partner. In short it's not just that there are lesshetero and bi women on here than there are bi and hetro men it's also that dating via sites and apps just doesn't work as well for women. I get that online dating has become the usual way to meet a partner with everyone swiping (including the women) but to hell with that. If you're kinky you have the option to go to munchs. Everyone at a munch is there specifically to meet other kinky folk. Yes some of us are already in monogamous relationships but we may become a friend or the person who introduces you to your next play mate.

Lastly in terms of making Umd specifically more female friendly what makes you think it's unfriendly for us? I very rarely get messages out the blue and when I do it's hardly ever from a guy looking for a partner. At the end of the day those creepy guys are mostly interested in young single pretty women. The solution is to recruit more catfish then the creeps can go chase them. Just kidding. The solution (as the women on here already know) is to take control of your profile. When I had wet t shirt pics on here I didn't put them up to be ignored. When I decided to commit to my partner I stoped putting up new pics and then gradually reduced the number of pics I had. I also changed my profile making it clear I wasn't looking. I don't post or check in here that often anymore. That's not because the nasty men frightened the poor defenceless woman away. It's because the grumpy old woman just isn't as young or as horny as she was. Oh and lastly although women may enjoy a few pics they're not as much of a turn on for us as they are for men. A picture might be a starting point of a fantasy but most women masturbate with their eyes closed and their imagination open.

I heard some people had luck with fetlife

Not many women have a WAM fetish, but a lot of women are very open to exploring things, including WAM, especially with men who are open to exploring things too.

So I don't think a specialist WAM dating site is the best way forward.

Two issues:

1. Numbers
2. Self-control

1. So for the numbers, let's face it, we are few and far apart. The chances of hooking up on a wam dating site and finding someone actually nearby is very slim. If you connect with someone across the planet, go you want to pay for airfare just to see if anything clicks in real life. All that energy, the vibes, the 'knew right away' stuff only happens in person.

2. Self-control is often missing in guys who are into wam. A lot of guys get carried away and want to push things too far right away. I've seen it in posts on here that make me want to shake my head. A few of us have learned to hold back and feel things out as they progress.

An example might be a guy meets a woman on a dating site and blurts out something like, 'You're so hot, I'd love to smash pie after pie into your face'. A better approach might be to start off with non-wam interactions, then if things proceed to the bedroom, introduce a SMALL amount of whipped cream, perhaps licking it off of her nipples. Get her smiling. Slowly introduce more and playfully put some on her nose, just to keep it fun for her. (and to involve her face with the whipped cream) Eventually you can tell her how getting her messy makes you feel, then if she's still up for it, use more, and eventually she might enjoy a pie in the face knowing how it makes you feel. Go easy at first. Always see how she's doing, if she's enjoying it, and if not, be willing to stop. Make it also about her. Would she be more willing if you let her pie you in return? Ask her. Listen.

The impatient guy is also where the 'creepy' comes in, because those are guys who don't care about how the woman feels, they just want to push their demands on her. Learn to care. Learn to be patient. Learn to listen. It will get you laid. Being a pushy creep won't.

This is the correct answer.

I've had a Hell of a time trying to find a used pickup truck on this site, too.

I can get you a Honda Accord with low milage. Just don't ask about the blood stains in the back, or the smell in the trunk.

Maybe try feeld. Success story: https://umd.net/forums/first-wam-date-ever

I was popping in to say this!

Feeld can be really wonderful sometimes. It *is* a dating site, and dating sites can be the absolute worst. But at least it's a kink-positive environment.

Statistically speaking, *most* people are kinky. I read recently that a pretty comprehensive sex survey found 78% of people have either participated in or fantasized about a bdsm scene. That means, if you meet 10 people, only 2 of them aren't at least *a little* kinky.

As I've gotten more open about being a wam fetishist, a lot of my kinky friends have said "oh, I didn't know that was a thing, but wow, that's pretty hot!"

I think kinks should come up really early in a relationship, just because they tend to be so powerful. That doesn't mean you have to take the bdsmtest together or fill out one of those ridiculously long fetish checklists. Start simple, with something innocuous or vague. The sooner "weird" stuff comes up in a relationship, the easier it will be to keep talking about it. Waiting just makes it harder to introduce later.

And it goes without saying that, as powerful as fetishes are, they're a flimsy pretext for a serious relationship. I love when a guy can engage my fetishes (and vice-versa), but there are about 100 more important things we need to be doing for each other for a connection to really work.

I second everyone who has said it is better to find someone first, and then when the time is right to talk to them about WAM.

If they really like you then they will be very open minded not just about WAM but maybe other things as well. There's a chance your future partner would possibly have their own kinks which they would like to share with you too.

I'm talking from experience, I told my current partner about WAM. It's not her particular fetish and we don't engage with it too often, but when we do it's the best thing ever

I know men here don't know how to act around women. They don't know how to act around men!

- wammer who was twice my age when I was a young naive twink with no experience, and at his place for a non-sexual reason, led me to his bathroom and then stripped in front of me without ever telling me he would (creep), and later laughed about how I looked mad about it

- WAMmer who showed up at my door in the suburbs in full bdsm gear in broad daylight, and then followed me around in my neighborhood grocery store like that.

- wammer who nearly let me suffocate, tied up and buried under shaving cream, while penetrating my mouth

- about 20 gay twink types who expected me to plan sessions of how they demand to be exactly messed up, without a single question or interest in what I want.

- guys even refusing to deviate. Refusing to do a session where they mess up the other (me) at all (why, is it that hard to hold a bucket?).

- on YT messy videos posted by people without our fetish. Making blatantly obvious creeeeepy comments about people doing these things without their clothes. on teens/college people's 'innocent' pranks and game videos. Not surprised some great videos were removed, after being spammed with more than one creeps' comments.

- brings me to another guy who basically yelled at me online for the criticism of the past difficulties I had with dozens of vanillas I got messy with, and the rapey and asshole creeps I just mentioned here, saying that I was being judgmental of his own relationship! Can we say looks like depression + narcissism?

Vanillas don't have the instincts for how to make wam sessions "great" cause they don't "get" how it works. It's a specific and unusual fetish. I've gotten dozens of boyfriends and friends to get messy with me, and they almost always love it, once. They can be muddy or slimey with you, but that's about it. And they don't usually want it regularly.

Anyone who thinks having their sexual needs satisfied once or twice a year is bliss, should talk to some vanilla people: there's a reason we're stunted as a group.

The problem is that many wammers are self-absorbed to the point of a personality disorder--fucking creeps.

I can't speak to dating as I haven't done in that in quite some time lol

But I can give a woman's wammer perspective: Like anything else, just start slowly, you don't have to have the same interests-sexually or otherwise to have a healthy relationship. What is more important is to have a person support you fully! Looking back, I would've been more transparent sooner, but there's something so vulnerable about letting that part of you out! The impending judgement! Buuuttt, if you have found someone genuine, they will accept it!
If you are looking to just wam hookup...that would be something different entirely and lord JAAAYYYSSSSUUUUSSSS I would be coated in cum and mess within minutes of offering that lol
Also, on top of a lot of creeps, the lack of trust is huge, I don't trust most people's motives anymore

(Lastly, the money making is hilarious to me, people assume I make so much money-transparency, this is my hobby, not my job, I make enough to pay for supplies and maybe a few coffees out every month-I have always found it helpful to not count other people's pennies. For those it is their job, great work!)

Just curious what you mean by making the fetish about them?

That special woman in your life needs to know and feel that SHE holds the key to all your sexual desires - especially the 'deviant' or kinky ones. Otherwise she might, quite rightly, feel - incidental.

Maybe limit the number of men admitted as members if the male to female ratio is getting heavily skewed onto the men side, I imagine a lot of dating sites are predominantly men. Such a cap would benefit both men and women and maybe "retire" female (and male) profiles for being dormant to make room for new and active people. After all nobody would want to go through profile after profile and see the last login date as being from 2-3 years ago if not even older.

The personals section here can be good, but it seems to mainly benefit if you are a female or a man willing to play with other men. I actually had a producer here contact me from one of my personals posts but unfortunately, we couldn't come to an agreement because I wanted my face obscured and it's not easy to do that unless you sit down with the camera angled at a specific way. I probably should have suggested being willing to wear a small mask like how some models do to partially obscure their identity. Still though I had a great time conversing said producer.

The rest of the responses I got were from men despite specifically stating I prefer to have a female partner/WAM playmate. I'm humbled and flattered by male compliments on my content but actually playing with other men just isn't my thing.

So I started writing a response to this thread to try give some of the accumulated knowledge and insights I've gained getting to the point at which women now seek me out for kinky adventures and to explore various kinks as I thought it would be of help to people interested in this topic as I agree with those that say the a dating site won't work here and that people are better off finding a partner to introduce to their kinks HOWEVER I wound up bollocking on for so long and on wildly off topic tangents that it if posted here it would completely derail the topic so I've posted it all in this blog post instead: https://umd.net/blogs/i/insights-gained-becoming-someone-that-wo/return/%2Fprofile%2Fi%2Fthestickytrickster%2Fsection%2Fblogs%2F

Could it perhaps have been edited down a bit? Probably but in true ADHD fashion I should really be finishing off some comedy writing for Wednesday that is in more need of editing so it is either the rough draft I posted there or nothing and I hope that what was posted is more helpful than the nothing for at least one person with the patience to read it.

Anyway tootle pip.