I used to post my infrequent stories on the WAM Story Archive, figured I might as well post some here now. This is one of my most recent stories.




I don't quite remember what I was expecting when I let my friend Kate set me up with a girl named Antigone, but it definitely wasn't what ended up happening.

I'm generally not one for 'blind dates', but Kate had a way of convincing me to do things I normally wouldn't. "It's not like you're getting any younger, Tom," Kate pointed out one evening at the bar. I rolled my eyes at her. While I just turned 30, Kate was a year older than me. "It's not like you get lots of play. You've been single for too long."

"I like being single. Besides, I go for dates."

"Yeah. 'Dates'. You need a girlfriend."

"Why? You're single, too."

"Exactly. You need a girl so that you two can double date with me and whatever possible weirdo I match with online. I'm not going on those dates alone." Kate whipped out her phone, scrolling through several apps and screens with the speed of a woman who is never far from her phone. Kate and I had been friends for what seemed like ages. We were a lot alike. I, and Kate, had always figured we were too alike to actually date. Even with her youthful good looks, big blue eyes and light blonde hair, I didn't desire her. We had kissed, once, years ago. Even back then, it felt like I was kissing my sister.

Oddly enough, that one misstep had brought us closer, as friends. Or, perhaps more accurately, family. Kate was the first person I called with good news; I was the one she griped to about bad dates and too spicy food. I didn't have many secrets from Kate. I trusted her more than my real siblings. In fact, Kate was the only person in the world that knew about my WAM fetish. Sometimes she might tease me a little, but we never acted on it, aside from a few waterfights on summer days.

Kate slid her phone along the table towards me, talking a little too loudly. "This is Antigone."

"It's not a blind date if I look at her before."

"I don't care - that's a stupid rule anyways. Look!"

My jaw dropped. The FaceBook page of a stunning girl looked back at me. She was posing in a large hoodie, wearing a baseball cap. She was east Asian, Japanese or Korean maybe, surprisingly, with flawless skin and big almond-shaped eyes. Black hair fell around her face and over one shoulder. Her expression looked like someone trying to be serious, but not quite managing to keep the smile from her lips.

I believe I said, "Uh..."

"That's not her," Kate said quickly, grabbing the phone back. Before I could express my disappoint, she was continuing. "I mean, it is her. That is Ani, but it's not her personality, you know? Ani's sister is a photographer or something, so Ani acts as her model a bunch. Here's a better one."

This photo showed Antigone standing on a porch in summer, dressed in a very flattering, but simple, white sundress. She was giving the camera a shy smile. It gave more hints of her figure, lean and toned. She was gorgeous. I wondered if Kate could set up the date for tonight. Instead, I said, "Uh 'Ani'?"

"Yeah, short for Antigone. It's kind of a silly name, but her dad is a Classics professor. Guess it could be worse. So you interested?"

"Yeah."

Kate put her plan into action over the next few days. She showed Ani a few photos of me and she agreed to the date. I was just an average looking guy, I thought, so I figured Kate must have really talked me up. A little worrisome. Still, Ani gave me a call to introduce herself a few days later. We set up a dinner date. And that's when the universe stepped in.

Our first date was canceled when I was called into work on short notice due to an emergency. The make up date was canceled when Ani fell sick. Then a busy week for her at work meant waiting to reschedule. I was beginning to think we should just end it before we even started, when Kate, as usual, intervened.

Tom, Monday! Tom! The text read. You're free Monday evening, right?

Yeah. But a first date on Monday? Isn't that lame?

This won't be. I'll work my magic. You guys will have it at my restaurant.

I thought you weren't open on Mondays.

Private event

And so, Monday night, I arrived at Antigone's house and met her in person for the first time. She was just as pretty in real life. She answered her door dressed casually, in a long, light grey cardigan, white and pink shirt and black leggings. Her hair was down, falling down her back and on her chest. It was well styled, but Ani kept having to tuck it back, probably fully aware of my attention.

Conversation was awkward at first, until about halfway to the restaurant, when Ani mentioned how glad she was that we were still going on the date. "Kate thinks you're awesome."

"Kate's been wrong before."

"I don't think this is one of those times," Ani gave me a smile. I almost crashed us into a telephone pole.

"Uh... Have you been to Kate's restaurant before?"

"Yes, a few times. I enjoy it, but I very interested in what she's making specially for us."

"Knowing Kate's sense of humour, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches."

Ani laughed. We spent the rest of the ride coming up with funny supper ideas. Some which were, for Kate, quite possible.

Kate's restaurant was in an old house, in a hip area of town. She was a partner in it and head cook. It wasn't very large, with a dining area spread out into the many small rooms of the house. Kate greeted us at the door, dressed in her chef's clothes, quickly locking the front door behind us. The restaurant was otherwise deserted. Kate confiscated our phones, saying we weren't allowed them on a first date, and wouldn't need them with her there. After a little small talk, she led us into one of the smaller rooms. It was weird. I thought I had to most of the rooms in the restaurant - I ate there a lot - but I didn't know this one. It was sparsely decorated, with no windows. A there were a few old prints on the walls, focusing on clowns of all things. An old chest of drawers stood in one corner; in the other corner was a larger, newer shelving unit. There was only one table in the room.

"Your table," Kate said, with a completely unnecessary flourish. "Supper is still cooking. You want some drinks?"

She disappeared, returning a few moments later with some water. This time when she left, Kate closed the door behind her. A few soft clicking noises followed. I didn't even notice, as I was already back talking with Antigone and getting lost in her big brown eyes. Ten minutes passed before I first realized Kate hadn't come back. 15 before I noticed Ani glance at the door, but another five before she said anything.

"Kate's been gone for awhile. Has that door always been closed?"

"I hope everything's alright." I stood, going to the door. I tried to pull it open, but it wouldn't budge. "That's weird." I pulled a little harder. The door felt locked, not stuck. "Kate! Kate! You there?"

"The door won't open!" Ani called.

I could hear some movement on the other side of the door and what sounded like poorly stifled giggles. Then a paper was slid under the door. I picked it up. Kate's printing. You both like escape rooms, right? I read aloud. Here's an escape room date night! Only one way to get out and get to know each other. Look for clues.

Ani clapped her hands together. "I love escape rooms! This is awesome."

There didn't seem to be much in this room to clue from, but her enthusiasm was infectious. "Alright. Let's find some clues."

The large shelving unit just had one big door. It was locked with key lock. Ani rifled through the chest of drawers while I studied the prints on the walls. Just clowns. Nothing odd there, except why anyone would bother to put them up anywhere. Nothing hid under the chairs or table, either.

"A lockbox!" Ani proclaimed, pulling it out from the bottom drawer.

"No key, though."

"It's a three digit code. Three numbers."

"Try 159."

Ani looked back me, her cute face puzzled. "The restaurant name? You really think it would be that easy?"

"We might as well try it. This is Kate we're talking about." Something banged the door in response to that. Ani laughed and entered the numbers. With a click, the lockbox opened. She pulled out a key. She hurried over to the large unit. The key fit and Ani swung the door open. She gasped.

"Oh. Fuck."

She bent over, giving me a great look at her ass through her cardigan, and slowly pulled a rolling cart from the unit. Sitting neatly on the cart, arrayed on two levels, were 12 large, white cream pies. Sitting in the middle of the top tray was a card with two large words on it.

THROW ME.

I can't really explain how I felt, so many things happened at once. My mouth went dry, my heart started pounding. I could feel my crotch start to throb. I wanted so badly to grab one of those pies and smash it right into this gorgeous, awesome girl's face, but I couldn't. As much as I wanted to do that, I also wanted to see her again. Preferably, again and again and again. Shit, calm down, Tom.

Antigone looked as confused and stunned as myself. Her eyes were wide, her mouth moving but no sound created. She had taken a step back. Closing her cardigan sharply, as though to ward off bad thoughts, Ani nodded at the pies. "What are those?" She made a face and was she breathing harder?

"Pies. Big, cream pies."

"Cream pies."

"Yup. Crust and all, from the... ahem look of them." I shifted my weight, trying to discreetly rearrange and hide my slowly growing boner. "So, uh, back to escaping the room."

"Well, the pies are clearly a part of it."

"No, I've never seen anything like that in an escape room."

"The card is our only real clue! 'Throw Me!' Besides, we're surrounded by pictures of clowns. And clowns throw pies." She took a step towards the cart.

"Throw them where? At the door?" I asked, desperately trying to play the role of clueless. She could not discover my secret not on the first date!

Antigone slipped her hand underneath one pie, slowly picking it up. They looked like simple affairs; tin and crust holding a generous helping of whipping cream. Enough for just one pie to make a decent sized mess. God, I wanted to push it into her face. Ani held the pie in her palm, looking up at me. She slowly stepped around the cart, putting herself between me and the pies.

"Nobody throws cream pies at doors. Clowns throw cream pies at each other."

"I see you've picked one up," I said, trying to keep my voice steady.

"Yes, and I do plan to follow the instructions."

"The way I see it, you have a choice on who to use that pie on. Me, you or the door."

Ani smirked. It was a wonderful sight. "Oh, that's not much of a choice. I've already eliminated the door, remember."

"We just met. The honourable thing to do would be to get yourself."

"Maybe, but I spent a lot of time getting ready for this date, Tom. I don't want to ruin all that."

"So did I!"

"Really?"

"Ok, maybe not as much time as you did - you look great, by the way, if I haven't mentioned that I think I should - but I still think you should reconsider."

Ani laughed. "Oh, I like this. This is fun." She tasted a bit of the cream. "Tastes good, too. Have you ever gotten a pie in the face, Tom?"

I thought back to the few sessions I had had in my apartment, alone. "No one has ever given me a pie in the face," I said, which was, technically, the truth.

"Me neither, but I always wanted to give someone one. And as much fun as I'm having with you, I don't want to be stuck in this room forever."

"I'm sure Kate would let us out eventually."

"But waiting is much less fun than this." The image of Ani, black hair falling around her shoulders, holding a pie with a bewitching, irresistible smile on her lips was almost too much.

"I... I'm starting to run out of arguments."

"I have not." She took a step forward. "And thanks for this."

"You're-"

I didn't get a chance to finish as Antigone took another step forward and smushed the pie into my face. It felt great.

She was gentle, giving it a little push and twist. It was surprisingly cool. Cream pushed out the sides, falling onto my shoulders. Ani dropped the tin, letting it drop to the ground, taking much of the crust with it. I could still feel much of the cream on my face. I spit some out, so I could breath. It tasted good; at least Kate knew how to make cream.

I reached up and wiped cream from eyes with both hands. Ani was laughing and watching me, a glint in her eyes. She clapped her hands. "That was great!"

"Thanks," I said dryly. I noticed Ani's smile vanish in concern, so I quickly laughed to reassure her. Her beautiful smile and laugh lit up the room again. "Well, this was a surprise."

The door clicked. Once only.

Ani skipped over to the door and gave it a light push. It didn't budge. Well, that was one lock.

I flicked cream from my hands and eyed the remaining pies on the cart. "Well, I have an idea for the others."

Ani moved a little faster than me, scooping up another pie. "Me, too. It means you need another. Many locks, many pies."

"I don't really think that's the answer."

"We'll never know until we try," Ani giggled.

"I held up one hand. Now, just hold on-"

She didn't. Ani smashed a second pie into my face, this time with a little more force. I could hear her laughing wickedly through the pie and crust. It was an intoxicating mix.

I cleaned my face again, throwing crust and cream to the ground. Ani was bent over in laughter. No unlocking that time, and I think I know why.

Ani's laugh stopped in a gasp and cough as she noticed I had a pie in my hand now. She was completely serious, backing away from me with her hands up. "Wait, wait, wait. It was my wish to give people a pie in the face, not get a pie in the face."

"You shouldn't knock it until you try it."

"Thanks, but I think I'll take a pass." Ani held out her hand. "I want you to give me that pie."

Did she really just say that? It seemed too perfect. Ani's eyes were challenging, but the corner of her mouth twitched up just enough to make me wonder if I had seen it at all. If there was any doubt at all, Ani motioned with her hand and stepped right into my range.

"Tom. Give me that pie."

"Give you this pie, Ani?"

Ani swallowed hard. Her face screwed up. Her voice was a whisper. "Yes. Give it to me."

I did. I gave it a little force, sending cream into her black hair. It splattered down her shirt and cardigan. Ani gasped, holding still, but shaking with silent laughter. Her mouth hung open, the only shape in a mask of cream and crust. Slowly, she raised her hands, stretching them out so her cardigan's sleeves fell away. She wiped away pie with her fingers, flicking it down like I had. Her big eyes peeked out and Ani laughed again.

Her breathing slowed and she looked up at me, messy hair strewn around her face like a black halo streaked with white. Ani looked down at her hands. "I never thought this would be happening to me."

"Not so bad, huh?"

"No. It feels good. Hmmm tastes good, too."

I motioned to the door. "I think I might have heard a lock click. Should we try?"

"In a moment. I have something to do first."

"What?"

I turned back to her and Ani smashed another pie in my face. Her wicked laughter returned as she twisted it in. This time, it really got everywhere.

I nodded, rueful, as I wiped mess from my face. In my head, I did the math. 4 pies gone and not nearly enough of them on Antigone. "Oh, this means war."

"Ha ha. I hope so."

This time, I picked up a pie in each hand. Ani giggled, adorably. "Oh no. Just.. uh wait one second." She quickly shrugged out of her cardigan, throwing it aside. She tossed her hair back and stepped forward. She stood, back straight, hands folded demurely in front of her. A little giggle, waiting for her fate.

"So, no brave words this time?"

A smile spread across her face. A deep breath. "You wouldn't."

I gave Ani a great pie sandwich, smearing both pies around her head and hair and down into her face. Cream and crust pieces went everywhere. She giggled, deep in her throat. She barely touched the mess on her face, just wiping enough off so she could see. She was breathing heavy again.

"Is that the best you got?" She almost panted.

I grinned, then dumped another pie on her head and pushed another into her face. Antigone was covered now. White cream and crust pieces covered her face, her shirt and black hair was just a mess. But the pie couldn't hide her wide smile.

"Here," I said, handing her one of the remaining four pies. "This is only fair at this point."

"Thanks." She took the pie and promptly smashed it into her own chest. "Oops." Cream and pie slid down her shirt. Ani laughed. "Clumsy me."

My jaw dropped as I took full advantage to ogle her tight figure as the mess outlined it. I just watched as Ani grabbed another pie and smashed it into my chest. She dropped the tin and used her hands to smear crust and cream over my shirt. Ani smiled, raising a cream covered eyebrow at the bulge in my pants. The smile turned to hunger.

She turned away with a dip of her hips and picked up both final pies. For a second, I thought I was about to get nailed, but Ani surprised me again, handing one of the pies to me. "On three?"

"On three."

"One, two-"

I let her have it. Ani screeched and tried to return fire, catching me on the side of the face. We stood there, laughing and watching each other. Ani tried, hopelessly, to clean some of the mess off her head. She stopped, catching my eyes. The moment seemed to stretch forever, lost in her big brown eyes. Ani reached out to me.

Then the door swung open. Kate stood there, relaxed and clean. I can't even imagine the dirty looks she got from both of us for interrupting.

"Wow. You were supposed to just throw them at the door," Kate said. "Not bad for a first date, though, right?"

"It would be if you went back out that door," Ani said.

Kate gave us a knowing look, before slowly backing out of the room.

I looked back at Ani. She smiled and leaned in close.

"Hell of a first date."