Hey guys,

I've just gotten into a pretty bad situation with my partner and wam has been a big part of it. We've not really been able to deal with my fetish in our relationship amongst other things but it seems to have been a big issue for her as she's never been able to understand it. We've done some messy things together but for me wam is different to sex and how I feel about her and I can't find a way to explain this logically. Has anyone else had a similar issue and if so do you have any advice?

Cheers

I'll be honest, I don't know what is the problem you are facing.

What has she "never been able to understand it"?

It's a fetish/kink, everyone has one, yes, even the vanilla. Does she need some help understanding what a fetish/kink is?

If it's totally non sexual for you (so probably not a fetish/kink), then it's fun. Like any other fun activity. Some couples go the movies, some couples go hiking, some couples pie the crap out of each other.

If you're saying that she's not getting sexually aroused by this... then that's to be expected. I don't think you can rewire people for specific fetishes. They either have it or they don't, or they might be latent and discover it later in life. You can't change that.

I didn't really explain it very well, my bad. She's never really understood the kink because she thinks it's all about subjugation and humiliation and for me that's not what's attractive but it's hard to explain that. I was just wondering if anyone had any issues with the fetish being misinterpreted and how they dealt with that.

Does that make sense?

Thanks for the reply

How does it work for you? Presuming you're amongst friends here who will know exactly what you're talking about. How would you describe your sexual connection with WAM?

Richard

even the humiliation side is not a bad thing imho - it is a fantasy land, a release from responsibility and drudgery and has no reflection on how you view people in real life

The larger side of wam is mostly sensual play and/or fun and silliness though I think, and the same thing applies, you don't view people in real life as all fun and silly same as someone who likes humiliation doesn't view everyone as a dom/sub someone to be controlled/humiliated or someone to control them

maybe look together at some of the clown wam videos out there, in mine we're having a great time, there's no humiliation there at all. Or in my chocolate syrup one with Kacie and Roxy, it's just insanely sensual - or in my 'rubbish british bake off', there's both sensual and silly. And that's just my download store, one out of hundreds here and thousands of individuals who don't have stores

For me I'm very lucky to have met someone who is into wam as much as i am and he also doubles up as my photographer and video guy, so we do our shoots and by the time we have finished he cant wait to jump in the clay with me and we then have our own messy fun lol

Just noting that we also have the Relationship Advice group

MM

Based solely on what you have described, there could be some psychological issues at play here. As you have presented, this doesn't seem like an issue with WAM. This sounds more like she maybe has an issue from something in the past involving abuse or exploitation. Communication is ALWAYS key. If you have trouble articulating your thoughts at once, then take some time to think about them down ahead of time and maybe write them down in a list.

But realize that maybe there IS some association with WAM/sploshing that even she's not consciously aware of that is off putting. We all have things we just simply don't like. I think it's interesting that Candy mentioned clowns in her post. Clowns scare the shit out of me and creep me out to no end.

Everyone is different, and that's why the communication cannot be overstated.

I mostly agree with what JaMC and PotatoMan posted....there is something in HER mind that is acting as an obstacle to acceptance...which is the first step towards participation (even if only a little)...I'm sure others here would suggest a slow, minimal "introduction" that is all about HER (using chocolate sauce and whipped cream in the course of oral sex)...and similar advice that can be found on other threads (and might want to visit MessMaster's Relationship Advice group)...

Sexual fantasies are typically about power exchanging and role playing...you might recommend some books on the subject (do a search on Amazon)...or maybe just download '9 1/2 Weeks' for a mutual viewing....or 'Fifty Shades of Grey'

That said, we humans have a nearly endless capacity to deceive ourselves -- especially in relationships and matters of "love"...we can convince ourselves that this person (who is really a stranger, and always will be) is our "soul mate" (whatever that is) or "the ONE" (the prime monogamy myth delusion)...when in reality, the person is just the most recent person to say "yes" to having sex (of any kind) with us.

Your gf seems unable (or unwilling) to understand the fetish mentality (happned to me early on in my sexual history with my childhood sweetheart, who commented -- after I gifted her with some very pretty lingerie -- that I 'seemed more turned-on by the clothes than her' ; thus being a sign that she did not understand kinks or fetishism and a portend for our eventual parting on other issues)....I would ask: how long have you been with this girl? Are you considering marrying her? Is she considering marrying you (or hinting at it)? If so, then you guys need to have some serious communication (before moving forward with the relationship).

It's simple really: you might be able to suppress your fetishistic urges to please her or make her think that you're "normal', for awhile...but it's going to emerge and intrude on your relationship sooner or later...

I would also ask: how many girlfriends (and how many sexual partners) you have had in your life...? If you are relatively inexperienced (like maybe 2 - 3 or fewer)...then in my opinion you are too inexperienced to be putting so much importance on this one....If you guys can't work it our (for example: does she have fantasies that she would like to explore? If not, she's probably too repressed or lacking in sexual imagination)...and NOT the right person for you.

You have to ask yourself: how much time, effort and anxiety are you going to invest in this person only to be frustrated, unsatisfied, or let down? It is difficult, i know, especially when feelings are involved...but at some point, you will need to decide if it is time to move on.

After my divorce, I reflected back on what went wrong. Best way to sum it up, lack of understanding. Not that is that simple, but it sums it up. There has been a lot of good incite posted here to consider, so no need to repeat it. But a lot of what has been said I employed into my next relationship.

My best friend & wife have talked and shared about everything that makes us tic, and support each others desires, fears, asperations, and now starting on our "bucket list". (And fuck it list.) Life is short, but a relationship is an investment of love, and time. But, also that other person has to share those same ideals. There are a lot more messy times in life other than WAM, and being able to live together through those times have made our relationship stronger. And when we choose to explore our secret desires together, all that strength that holds us together in the other areas in life (like slime glue ). A persons past experiences play a lot into insecurities and security (comfort zone).

Understanding, compassion, Love Love Love, has and is keeping us moving forward.
We wish you the best in finding your way

hehe...you wrote "incite"

Damn, that's fucking harsh man. I know what you're going for, and agree to an extent. But strangers...nah, I feel differently there. I don't have much room to talk since my ONLY real relationship ended in divorce over transsexuality, but we are still best friends. We know what the other is think based on the most subtle of expressions, and sometimes just strange feelings even though we are 3000 miles apart now. I agree we start out as strangers, but the idea is you become family, that it will be the closest you understand another person to yourself.



^ALL OF THIS^
My ex and I communicated extremely well, but there were obviously still things that weren't right after almost 20 years. It took them that long to realize they weren't feminine, or even female; they were pretending to be. They also didn't have a lot of women friends to talk about stuff like that because of a hyper conservative upbringing.

My only addition to all of this is the issue of WHY you need to communicate clearly. And the answer to that is "trust". If you don't have it, everything else in your relationship is meaningless. And that trust needs to come from a place of honesty, compassion and courage.

First be honest with yourself, then you can be honest with others.
Always approach them with sympathy and empathy
Be courageous enough to be completely open with them.

Best wishes!

The most important thing for any fetishist to keep in mind is that your fetish is going to be a problem with many potential partners and that it is important to be up front about it and then see if your partner can be ok about it too and whether they can participate in fetish activities with you without it bothering them. The most important thing is to understand that there is no magic technique that will guarantee how this will work out with a given partner, you role the dice and take your chances.

You need to accept that it is your fetish that is the problem and that the problem will not go away. Viewing your fetish in this manner is better in the long run as it prevents you and your potential partner from wasting each other's time on a relationship that, at best, will always be strained.

The good news is that there are usually folks out there that have no problem with your fetish and many of those may actually come to enjoy doing your fetish activities with you. Don't get distracted interpreting a fetish in bdsm terms as it just gets in the way of the one thing that is important, is your current potential partner compatible with you and your fetish?

Focus on meeting new potential partners and make sure the fetish gets discussed early on. And don't cling to false hope, if it seems like it is not quite right, it is most definitely not right at all. Move on to the next person.

I came to this understanding through hard experience but things have gone much better for me in my relationships since I adopted the philosophy I've discussed here.