Author's note:

As with my last story, I must inform the reader that this wholly unrealistic tale of blueberry pies, while featuring grand humilation and slight titillation, has no graphic sexual content or descriptions. It is simply a comedic pie fight. For those who can't stand to imagine lavish outfits and the pretty women wearing them completely trashed, this story may be too much for you. For lovers of blueberry pie, it is dedicated to you. Also, as a disclaimer, the girl Lizzy does not get messy in the story. I'm being completely honest....



"Smm-ck!" Addison smacked her pink-coated lips. Satisfied with the coverage, she put away the lipstick and and reached up with her white, silky, gloved hands to adjust her hat. The broad-brim was cocked at an angle--resting atop her long, dirty-blonde hair done up in an Edwardian pompador. She stood up from her stool and inspected herself in her bathroom mirror. "Not a bad Eliza Doolittle," she thought to herself.

She was wearing a costume-version of Eliza's track dress from My Fair Lady-- a fully lined gown of white lace and taffeta. Though she had given the dress-maker her exact measurements, the dress still felt a touch tight. The form-fitting dress accurately displayed her hourglass silhouette. She had a proportionally large rear and wide hips that the white fabric absolutely clung to. Just like the movie outfit, it had a mermaid-tail skirt that spread out starting just below the knee and had a slight train to it. Behind the folds of the skirt, she wore Victorian heeled boots over white stockings. The dress's nearly skin-tight long sleeves extended to her wrists where they fanned out into large, ruffled lace cuffs that nearly extended past the hand.

Just like the movie costume, the dress was accentuated with large, black and white striped bows, and it had a buttoned front that went up to a neck-height collar with a slight lace trim that softly brushed against the bottom of her chin. Though not nearly as large as the movie-hat, the derby-hat Addison was wearing was still fairly large. It was decorated with many mock-flowers, ribbons, and large plumes: all also in black and white.

"Brrrng! Brrrrng!" went her cell-phone as it vibrated on the bathroom-counter. She picked it up and saw the words, "Just got here. Ready to go?" At this, she put the phone in a small, white clutch that was also on the counter. She grabbed the clutch in one hand and a folded, white parasol with the other. Fully prepared, she made her way to her apartment door. She found walking a bit difficult to master. Though there was some stretch-material in the skirt, it was still almost pencil-thin, and each step had to be taken with care.

She opened her door and made her way to the apartment stairs. Outside, she saw a small, blue sedan waiting by the curb for her. Positioning her clutch under her arm, she took ahold of the stair-rail as she carefully came down the steps. When she got to the car, the side-window rolled down and she saw the makeup-laden face of her friend. She said,

"Oh, you look gorgeous!!"

Addison opened the door and carefully got into the passenger-seat--careful not to get her skirt caught in the frame as she closed the car-door. She took off her hat and placed it gently in her lap. To her left was her friend, Lizzy--fully bedecked in a Mary Poppins "Jolly Holiday" gown. Her long, brown hair was tied back in a small bun at the back of her head. She had expertly applied her make-up to give her face a milky-white pallor with red, rosy cheeks. And her lips were a bright, candy-red that matched the ribbons and corselet of her dress. In a phrase, she was practically perfect in every way.

She was lucky to bear such a striking resemblance to Julie Andrews. She had a long face with pretty features--including a straight, thin nose. Though Addison was dressed as Eliza, she was no Audrey Hepburn. She had a round, flat face with eyes slightly farther apart than most. Her cheek-bones were both high and pronounced. She had a cute, small, round nose, and a wide mouth that allowed for a broad, bright smile. My Fair Lady was one of her favorite movies, and when it came to choosing a dress to wear to their costume party, she was exhilarated to wear the derby-dress.

"You look so adorable in that dress, Add! If the judges don't pick you to win, it'll be a shame!" Lizzy said in her bubbly voice which sounded as if she nearly had a lisp.

"Oh," Addison responded in her clear, but slightly deep voice, "just look at you! You're the spitting-image of Mary Poppins." Lizzy responded in a mock-British accent,

"Why thank you, dearie!" They both chuckled and Addison said,

"I don't care too much about the prize...I've just always wanted wear this dress, and I can't believe I finally am!" Lizzy giggled and added,

"Same. It's like a dream come true. I can't wait to see Matt there! I'm hoping we'll at least get best couples costume."

Matt was Lizzy's new boyfriend. Though he was coming dressed as Bert and quite looked the part, in some ways, Winnie the Pooh would have been a better fitting choice. Though very kind (and good-looking), he was a man of very little brains and next-to-no personality. Still, ever since they had met three months back, Lizzy and him were nearly inseparable. Convincing him to dress as Bert was the easiest of tasks. He had to take care of some business, but was to meet them at the costume-party later.

The party was to be held at the Colt Manor out in the country--a forty-five minute drive from town. Unfortunately, on their way, Lizzy's car happened to break down.

"Ohhh, something must be wrong with the engine!" Lizzy cried as she brought the car to a stop on the side of the road and listened to the clunking noises from under the hood in front of them. This was an unprecedented turn of events for who Addison liked to refer to as "lucky Lizzy." Lizzy had never once been fired from a job, never suffered a serious injury, never ran late, and never so much as got a cavity. Addison was even unsure if Lizzy had ever even had a bad day. It helped that Lizzy was a living angel. She worked as a nanny (which made her choice of costume quite fitting), and spent much of her free time volunteering with the Salvation Army. No one had ever said an unkind thing of Lizzy.

Lizzy proceeded to call Matt--who said he'd be there in thirty minutes. When Addison had opened her door and stepped out of the car, she got a good look at Lizzy's costume. It was much like her own--made of white lace and soft materials. She wore a bell-shaped skirt that came down several inches past her knees that was given a generous amount of volume and width by tulle-petticoat layers. She wore white, short-heeled Victorian boots with red toes and lining-buttons. Above her red corselet, her chest was covered by a large, flowy lace bib with a red ribbon-lined neck-collar at the top. It resembled the movie costume nearly in every way save for the petite puffed sleeves at the top of each shoulder. She looked stunning through and through. Between the two of them, neither knew enough about car engines to aid in their dilemma, nor did they want to get any oil or grease on their white outfits. Addison had some auto-mechanical knowledge, but even she had little idea of what had broken when she popped the hood to look inside.

The country road where they had stopped lay in the middle of a mostly flat, tree-less field. The grass was a bright green and the colorful flowers of spring lined the grass. To the left of the road, was a small hill. Just above the crest of the hill, in the distance, was a strange, white object. Lizzy and Addison also heard noises of a crowd coming from that direction. They decided to see what the noises were coming from and walked up the road a bit. While Lizzy was able to take long strides in her wide, flowing skirt, she slowed her pace to keep up with Addison who had to tread much more slowly and carefully.

They rounded the corner and saw a large gathering of people surrounding huge, white tents in a field. A sweet, fruity smell filled the air, and it all made sense when they saw a banner that read, "Springdale Blueberry Pie Festival"

"Oh, let's go and wait for Matt there. I love blueberry pie!" Lizzy said with a cute grin of excitement. Addison was in shock. She protested,

"Are you kidding me?! Do you really want to risk spilling blueberry pie on that dress?" Lizzy whinced slightly and hesitated, but her absolute love of blueberry pie won out. She said, "I'll be SUPER careful."

And so, with parasols opened and mounted over their shoulders, the two women strutted into the pie festival. They were quite a sight among the crowd--to be dressed so formally among the very informal. Addison got a slight feeling of discomfort from the stares, but the feeling slowly dwindled the longer they were there. They both went up to a large stand called "Mama April's Springdale Special." There, each customer was given a large pie-tin with a baked crust that was filled with a dark, purple, blueberry filling. It must have been a popular staple of the festival: the line was quite long and employees could be seen lining white card-tables behind the booth with pie after pie. They scooped the filling out of several giant, repurposed, metal horse-troughs. At the counter, each customer could ask if they wanted their pie topped with whip cream or not. To what would have been no one's surprise, Lizzy asked for the cream.

Lizzy paid for her pie and took a seat on a folding-chair at one of the tables set up under a large, white tent near the stand. Addison sat next to her and watched her eat. Though slightly hungry, Addison would not risk so much as one drop of pie getting on her costume. While Lizzy carefully dipped her spoon into the cool, unbaked-style pie, Addison looked over at another which wasn't topped with cream--save for a small dollop in the middle. The filling was a dark purple--nearly black. It was thick, gooey, saucy, and gleamed with many round, shiny berries that were suspended in it. It looked so delicious that Addison considered getting in line to get one for herself. Afterall, with her tiny bites and constantly-employed supply of napkins, Lizzy hadn't gotten a drop on her. Even her rosy-red lips remained unstained as she ate--that was miraculously powerful lipstick, whatever brand it was.

As Addison conceded to her desires and arose to get in line, she had no idea that they were being watched. Across from them at a seat under another nearby tent was Jacqueline. Though Jacqueline had not been invited to the costume party, she was more than well aware of it that day. She had heard about the blueberry pie festival and decided to go there with her friend, Trish, who was sitting next to her. Jacqueline was a tall, athletic girl with chiseled features and long, black hair she wore that day in a ponytail. Trish was a short, petite Korean-American girl with bangs. Both that day were wearing jean-shorts and white t-shirts.

Now, as author, I must correct a mistake I made earlier when I said that no one had an unkind thing to say about Lizzy. Jacqueline had been Matt's girlfriend at the local college they attended. When Matt broke up with Jacqueline--saying that he needed space and that he didn't want to be dating for a while--he then proceeded to get together with Lizzy two weeks later...it made Jacqueline just slightly vexed over both him and Lizzy. Jacqueline pointed to Lizzy and said to Trish,

"Look, it's Lizzy! Matt's new girlfriend." Trish swallowed her mouthful of pie she was chewing and said,

"Umm...why does she look like Mary Poppins?" Jacqueline frowned in frustration and explained,

"Don't you remember what I just told you, like, five minutes ago? Matt's going to Chelsea's costume party tonight--the one they didn't invite me to."

"Don't see why you're so upset," Trish said as she scooped up more of her pie, "it would have been awkward anyway...with them both there and all." Then, while still staring at Lizzy, she said talking to herself more than responding to Trish,

"This must mean Matt's going as Bert."

"Well, if his Bert costume is half as good as her MP get-up, they're sure to win best-dressed couple. Say, didn't you and Matt almost win that at the same party last year?" At that, Jacqueline's face grew red with rage. Yet, as she watched Lizzy, she noticed her get up from her seat and pace a bit while answering a phone-call. A large, devilish grin spread across Jacqueline's face. She got up from her table and said to Trish,

"I've got an idea. Watch Lizzy, alright? Record her with your phone for me." As she dashed off, Trish attempted to stop her, saying,

"Hey! Wait a minute! Where are you--?" But Jacqueline had vanished into the crowd. Trish reluctantly got out her phone and said to herself, "She has GOT to get over Matt."

Lizzy was on the phone with Matt. He had just gotten to their car and was doing his best to fix the engine. After hanging up, she walked back over to her table, and was just about to take her seat when a little girl came up to her. She wanted to get a picture with "Mary Poppins." Lizzy smiled and agreed as the little girl led her over to her parents who awaited with a camera.

While Lizzy was busy with the impromptu photo-op, Addison returned from the line with a blueberry pie in-hand. She tread super-carefully: trying to weave between the crowd and not trip while holding the pie. When she finally reached their table, she took a good look at the pie in her hands. She was so eager to eat the gooey treat, that she sat down without checking whose chair she was sitting in. Her bottom came down slowly.

"Squrrrrr-shhhhhh!!!" Addison's face turned red. She gasped and her jaw dropped. She gave a dreadful moan as she felt the cold, slimy substance her bottom now rested in. Her shocked look gave way to a pathetic frown as she slowly stood up, turned around, and looked down at her chair. Around a large, empty circle was a halo of blueberry pie goop that was overflowing and Dripping from the edges of the seat. The empty, middle circle was from a pie-tin which was now stuck to her rear. What started with pointing grew to whispers and the whispers grew to talking and the talking grew to chuckles and the chuckles slowly grew into laughs as everyone around Addison stared at the enormous blueberry filling splatter across her rear with the flattened pie-tin firmly stuck in the middle.

"Oh my GOD!!!" Addison exclaimed in a hushed, horrified scream.

"Ohh! Add!" Lizzy gasped as she held her gloved hand before her agape mouth. She immediately grabbed a whole stack of napkins from the table and tried to help her. If it had been anyone else, Addison would have blamed them of having purposefully slipped the pie onto her chair. But Lizzy, by sheer virtue of her being Lizzy, was wholly above even the slightest thought of suspicion.

"Ohhh!" Moaned Addison, "my costume is ruined! I can't go to the party now!" Lizzy tried to calm her while cleaning and responded,

"Don't worry, it's not THAT bad. I'm sure there's something we can do to fix this." But, in truth, even an eternal optimist such as Lizzy had few ideas on what could be done.

While Lizzy was hopelessly trying to absorb the wet, mushy goo that was sliding ever-so-slowly down toward's Addison's skirt, she hadn't noticed that someone was now standing behind her. Lizzy stood up and turned around to look for paper towels when she saw an oncoming blueberry pie right about to make a smashing impact with her face.

"KER-SPLORTTT!!!"

Lizzy had just narrowly ducked and avoided the pie. Unfortunately, Addison had turned around at that very moment and found her pretty, little face on the receiving end of an expertly-aimed projectile. The hit was truly miraculous: it had just narrowly gone beneath the brim of Addison's hat and hit her dead-center in the face. The splatter the hit created spread drops of filling all over her outfit. The majority of the goop landed on her shoulders. The tin was sealed on the front of her face like a mask with the cold filling having coated the entire front of her face--nearly to her ears. Sticking out from the sides of the tin were pieces of shattered crust. From the bottom of the mask oozed a dark, berry-filled goo that sloppily dripped down and piled up on her chest.

Though Addison's ears hadn't been covered by the hit, she wished that they were. She could hear a few horrified gasps right after the impact, but it quickly gave way to everyone in the crowd laughing at her. From behind the tin, she said in a muffled voice,

"UH MUH GUD!!!"

She reached up and pried the tin off. When it fell away, it revealed a face completely covered in blueberry pie filling and cracked bits and fragments of pie-crust. She lifted a silk-gloved finger to each eye and wiped away huge globs of purple goo. When she could see again, she looked down at her costume and then at the laughing crowd and screamed.

While Lizzy was distracted by Addison, Jacqueline had wasted no time in picking up another pie to hit Lizzy with. She quickly came up behind Lizzy, ready to finally hit the right target. But just as she was about to shout and make Lizzy turn to face her, Lizzy stepped to the side and Jacqueline came face-to-face with an oncoming, cream-topped blueberry pie.

"Smack!!!" Jacqueline froze in pure shock to find herself on the receiving end of her own mischief. It hadn't taken long for Addison to regain her bearings AND identify the pie-thrower. She had picked up her own pie and had lost no time in taking revenge. Jacqueline now found herself in a similar position to her victim.

When she pried the tin off of her face, she found her head immediately sandwiched between two more cream-topped blueberry pies. She quickly wiped the goop away and grabbed a pie to throw at Addison. In her haste, the toss missed Addison and hit a woman in the crowd. When her husband started to laugh at her, she picked up a pie and hit him. Suddenly, everyone around had decided to pick up pies and started throwing them at each other. Flying purple pie goop soon filled the air and tins littered the ground as the whole crowd erupted into a blueberry pie fight.

Addison fought to stay standing as she felt pies hitting her from all sides. All the while, she continued to scrounge for pies to throw at her assailants. Her white dress was quickly becoming a dark, purple one. During the chaos, someone managed to slam one of the pies directly into her face.

"Korshhh!" While she was trying to pry off the tin, she felt her hat being removed from her head. When she had taken off the tin, she wiped the thick glop out of her eyes and saw Jacqueline nearby holding her hat. With indignant rage, Addison smashed another pie into Jacqueline's face and made sure to smear it in well. After Jacqueline blindly stumbled off with pie in her face, Addison picked her hat back up and triumphantly placed it back down on her head.

"Splop!"

While Addison had been blinded, Jacqueline had dumped the contents of one of the pies into her hat. The filling now oozed down from her hair and forehead and covered her face.

Meanwhile, Lizzy was miraculously untouched by so much as one pie! There wasn't even a splatter or drop on her. She carefully stumbled through the fight--narrowly avoiding dozens of pies with more luck than winning the lottery. She was looking for Addison, whom she had become separated from in the confusion. It seemed that "Lucky Lizzy's" luck was holding up unbelievably well.

Suddenly popping into the tent, Matt was in pure shock for a half-second before being bombarded with over a dozen pies. Suffice it to say, his Bert Costume was ruined.

Jacqueline found Lizzy again in the crowd and grabbed another large pie. This time, nothing would stop her from getting her revenge. She weaved her way through the crowd to get right up behind Lizzy. Meanwhile, Addison was in a state of rage and grabbing pies to randomly throw at anyone who came near her. When she heard her name called, she turned and instinctively threw a pie before she had time to think. Lizzy had just narrowly dodged the thrown pie.

"Add, I think it's about time we left" Lizzy nervously implored. Addison, in a mad frenzy, merely continued to grab pies and chuck them at people in the crowd. As she grabbed one, a pie landed square in her face, and she began turning round and round with the pie in her hand. Lizzy saw her pie about to hit her in the face and ducked out of the way at the last second. The pie missed Lizzy and hit the person right behind her that was about to smash a pie in Lizzy's face: Jacqueline.

Jacqueline cleared the pie off of her face--ready to finish the job--when she saw Matt in front of her. Before she could say anything, he smashed another pie in her face. He said,

"Jackie! What are you doing here?" 'Jackie' proceeded to wipe off the pie and grab her own. She smashed hers in Matt's face and said,

"Enjoying the pie festival. Gotta do something now that I'm not invited to your dumb costume party!" Matt wiped away the goop, grabbed another pie, and smashed it in Jacqueline's face. He said,

"THAT was for trying to hit my Lizzy with a pie!" Jacqueline wiped even more goop off and grabbed another pie. The two went on arguing and smashing pies in each other's faces between sentences for a good minute.

Eventually, completely covered from head to toe in blueberry pie filling, Jacqueline beat a retreat to the periphery of the fight. There, she met Trish who said,

"I did what you said, Jaq. I got it all on film. Dang, look at you! You are COVERED in pie! I tried to tell you this was a bad idea, but did you listen? NOOooo." Without saying a word, Jacqueline smashed a pie in Trish's until-then clean face. Trish let the tin slowly slide off then said, while licking her lips,

"Mmmm! Not bad."

Meanwhile, Addison was now covered in so much goop that she could hardly see. She stumbled about blindly and tripped straight into the side of one of the horse-trough tubs.

"Sker-plash!!!"

She slowly arose from the tub dripping in blueberry filling. There was now not one piece of her costume left dry and unstained. She was soaked to the skin in blueberry pie filling. Matt came by and lent her a hand in getting out of the trough. As he did so, Addison finally cracked and just began laughing at the absurdity of it all. Matt lightly laughed along with her. She then grabbed her hat out of the filling, placed it back on her head with a squelch of pie filling, then they made their way out of the tent.

Once out of the tent, they found Lizzy--who had somehow managed to dodge every pie and stay perfectly clean. Seeing her so clean, Addison wondered if maybe she actually WAS Mary Poppins. Matt had a pie hidden behind his back and came close towards Lizzy. Just as he was about to have some fun and smash the pie in her face, Lizzy said,

"Matt! Just what do you plan on doing with that pie you have behind your back?"

Matt revealed the pie to Lizzy and looked down at it. He then looked up at Lizzy's pleading face, and couldn't resist. He looked down at the pie again, then looked up and shoved it in his own face. Lizzy gave a light giggle and a pleased smile as he stood there with the tin in his face. After a good laugh, Addison said,

"I think maybe we should go home now. I'm not exactly in the mood for a costume party anymore." Lizzy and Matt agreed. But when Lizzy turned to leave, she turned straight towards the largest, deepest trough of pie-filling that had been wheeled up behind her as festival workers tried to move it by the small wheels on the bottom. Lizzy's knee hit the side and she tripped. The next thing she knew, her face was resting at the bottom of the deep trough--with her feet and the hem of her skirt sticking upwards out from the surface of the pie-filling. She brought these down into the tub and was fully submerged in the goo for a moment before leaning up while resting in the tub. Her hat had fallen to behind her back and she was completely covered. She wiped the goop from her eyes, but more from her head just came dripping down.

She stood up in the tub, completely soaked in filling and dripping with blueberries. Speechless, Addison and Matt watched to see how she'd react. She seemed in a silent state of absolute shock. But then, she got out of the tub, licked her lips, and simply said with a smile,

"Delicious."




The End.


(*none of the images are mine. All found on Google images*)