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"The Fetishists Dilemma"
Love you, too
As someone who has his own version of this niche fetish of ours I wondered if anyone has any thoughts or suggestions on the following.: Although I am completely happy, comfortable and call myself proud with who I am and what my deal I am still light years away from being able to come out to friends and family. The reason for this is that I sense a perception in society is that fetishism is still regarded as the last thing it is still okay to diminish and ridicule. My question is am I right to be that cautious or am I just being cowardly?
It's not as black and white as cautious or cowardly.
You have to pick the right people, and even then it might not be right. I am out to friends I trust or friends I want to know. Other friends don't need to know so I have not told them.
Due to my work I keep my online presence secret as it 'could' affect my work. I have no proof it would but I am erring on the side of caution.
You don't have to tell everybody, there is no set number you have to tell. Honestly, if anyone does ridicule you for your kink, they were not in your corner anyway and it maybe time to distance yourself from them. Fortunately all those I have told have taken it well, but I know others will have different stories.
The important thing is: What do you want? Do you want to tell folks? If so then you have to accept that it might not go well, or it could go better. Are you ok with not telling anyone, if so then don't, unless you really want too. But then you might feel like you mare hiding part of yourself from others. Ultimately the decision of what to do is personal, and the response is unpredictable. Good luck, I hope you pick the right folks to tell if you go that route.
You have to pick the right people, and even then it might not be right. I am out to friends I trust or friends I want to know. Other friends don't need to know so I have not told them.
Due to my work I keep my online presence secret as it 'could' affect my work. I have no proof it would but I am erring on the side of caution.
You don't have to tell everybody, there is no set number you have to tell. Honestly, if anyone does ridicule you for your kink, they were not in your corner anyway and it maybe time to distance yourself from them. Fortunately all those I have told have taken it well, but I know others will have different stories.
The important thing is: What do you want? Do you want to tell folks? If so then you have to accept that it might not go well, or it could go better. Are you ok with not telling anyone, if so then don't, unless you really want too. But then you might feel like you mare hiding part of yourself from others. Ultimately the decision of what to do is personal, and the response is unpredictable. Good luck, I hope you pick the right folks to tell if you go that route.
There was a similar thread recently you might want to check out: https://umd.net/forums/should-you-reveal-your-fetish
My question would be why do you want people to know? My sexual interests are not something I would discuss with family members. Outside of romantic partners, what I do in that regard is not other people's business. Just my 2 cents...
-JD
My question would be why do you want people to know? My sexual interests are not something I would discuss with family members. Outside of romantic partners, what I do in that regard is not other people's business. Just my 2 cents...
-JD
Thank you so much for your reply, that was really helpful and just the type of honesty I needed from someone else who understands and has the experience that I don't have . I will consider all the things you have told me before making any decisions. I guess the people
I care about most know on some level as I am not demonstratively "vanilla" and never talk about any relationship I am on but I get what you say when you say it might not go well, there are people I want to tell but am worried about a negative reaction. But your kind words have meant a lot and really boosted my spirits so thank you.
I care about most know on some level as I am not demonstratively "vanilla" and never talk about any relationship I am on but I get what you say when you say it might not go well, there are people I want to tell but am worried about a negative reaction. But your kind words have meant a lot and really boosted my spirits so thank you.
Thank you as well JD and Messy Amdi that is helpful I will certainly check out that link. Sorry if my replies are not showing as specific to the person I am responding to but I haven't quite got the hang of specifying who I am replying to lol.
Along with coming out it is on on my to do list to learn lol.
Along with coming out it is on on my to do list to learn lol.
I think there's a meaningful difference between the idea of "having a fetish" vs. "being a fetishist". Like, I personally have a WAM fetish, in that it's something I find incredibly erotic, enjoy watching, and frequently fantasize about. That said, I also love "vanilla" sex, regularly have non-WAM sexual fantasies and don't consider a woman's interest in getting messy a make or break in regards to sexual chemistry.
On the flip side, it's clear that for some people WAM really is one of/the central pillar of their sexual identity, and those sorts of people exist for all fetishes. Their ability to feel arousal is inexorably bound to mess, their romantic pairings hinge on their partner's openness to WAM, and they meaningfully organize their lives around being able to indulge in their fetish.
Which is all fine. I don't intend to paint fetishists as weird or degenerate, because all safe, consensual sexual expression is valid in my view. But, I think it's clear that being a fetishist poses a lot more challenges than simply having a fetish. I mean, I've never once thought about "coming out" to friends or family, not out of shame, but simply because it seems like a complete triviality. On the other hand, I can imagine that being a real fear/consideration for a fetishist. On that issue I have no real insights, other than to say it's going to vary wildly based on your family and friend group, which is true of pretty much all sexual identities that aren't heteronormative.
Ultimately, if it's important to you and you're pursuing it in a manner that's safe, with people you trust, then I think people who genuinely care about you will ultimately accept your lifestyle, even if they don't "get it" or have initial reservations.
On the flip side, it's clear that for some people WAM really is one of/the central pillar of their sexual identity, and those sorts of people exist for all fetishes. Their ability to feel arousal is inexorably bound to mess, their romantic pairings hinge on their partner's openness to WAM, and they meaningfully organize their lives around being able to indulge in their fetish.
Which is all fine. I don't intend to paint fetishists as weird or degenerate, because all safe, consensual sexual expression is valid in my view. But, I think it's clear that being a fetishist poses a lot more challenges than simply having a fetish. I mean, I've never once thought about "coming out" to friends or family, not out of shame, but simply because it seems like a complete triviality. On the other hand, I can imagine that being a real fear/consideration for a fetishist. On that issue I have no real insights, other than to say it's going to vary wildly based on your family and friend group, which is true of pretty much all sexual identities that aren't heteronormative.
Ultimately, if it's important to you and you're pursuing it in a manner that's safe, with people you trust, then I think people who genuinely care about you will ultimately accept your lifestyle, even if they don't "get it" or have initial reservations.
Thanks Johny for your encouraging words. In my case I would say I am a complete fetishist rather than it being something in addition to a vanilla lifestyle. Although I have some degree of vanilla interest my template is I would say 90/10 on favour of kink. So that is who I am and going back to my original point I do feel that kink in society is still somewhat marginalised although I feel this community of umd.net is a lovely part of the positive solution.
RichN said: Sorry if my replies are not showing as specific to the person I am responding to but I haven't quite got the hang of specifying who I am replying to lol.
Along with coming out it is on on my to do list to learn lol.
Along with coming out it is on on my to do list to learn lol.
If you look at the person's reply to your post, next to the heart their is a link that says "quote." Click on that link and that person's response will automatically appear where you type you're response. You can delete parts of their text if you want, but you have to keep the html tags at the beginning and end ( [quote ] ... [/quote ] ) to work properly
JD and Messy Andi said:
If you look at the person's reply to your post, next to the heart their is a link that says "quote." Click on that link and that person's response will automatically appear where you type you're response. You can delete parts of their text if you want, but you have to keep the html tags at the beginning and end ( [quote ] ... [/quote ] ) to work properly
RichN said: Sorry if my replies are not showing as specific to the person I am responding to but I haven't quite got the hang of specifying who I am replying to lol.
Along with coming out it is on on my to do list to learn lol.
Along with coming out it is on on my to do list to learn lol.
If you look at the person's reply to your post, next to the heart their is a link that says "quote." Click on that link and that person's response will automatically appear where you type you're response. You can delete parts of their text if you want, but you have to keep the html tags at the beginning and end ( [quote ] ... [/quote ] ) to work properly
ok thanks JD and Messy Andi. Is this right?
JD and Messy Andi said:
If you look at the person's reply to your post, next to the heart their is a link that says "quote." Click on that link and that person's response will automatically appear where you type you're response. You can delete parts of their text if you want, but you have to keep the html tags at the beginning and end ( [quote ] ... [/quote ] ) to work properly
RichN said: Sorry if my replies are not showing as specific to the person I am responding to but I haven't quite got the hang of specifying who I am replying to lol.
Along with coming out it is on on my to do list to learn lol.
Along with coming out it is on on my to do list to learn lol.
If you look at the person's reply to your post, next to the heart their is a link that says "quote." Click on that link and that person's response will automatically appear where you type you're response. You can delete parts of their text if you want, but you have to keep the html tags at the beginning and end ( [quote ] ... [/quote ] ) to work properly
What they said. ^^^^
Also, always reply underneath the quoted next, not above it. That way, if someone else quotes your post with a quote in it, everything still reads in the correct order, top to bottom, which makes it easier for everyone.
As to coming out, I've always been wide open about being into fully clothed WAM, but then I mostly move in alternative scene circles where kinks, fetishes, and alternative lifestyles are common and widely accepted, and I'm lucky enough to work with open minded people. If I moved in more vanilla social circles and with more judgemental colleagues things would probably be different. So a lot of it does come down to both personal comfort levels, and who the people you're thinking of coming out to are. With open minded folks it shouldn't be an issue, WAM is pretty harmless. But take it carefully, different people react in different ways to things.
Saturation Hall - Forth! The Gungemaidens!
JD and Messy Andi said: There was a similar thread recently you might want to check out: https://umd.net/forums/should-you-reveal-your-fetish
My question would be why do you want people to know? My sexual interests are not something I would discuss with family members. Outside of romantic partners, what I do in that regard is not other people's business. Just my 2 cents...
-JD
My question would be why do you want people to know? My sexual interests are not something I would discuss with family members. Outside of romantic partners, what I do in that regard is not other people's business. Just my 2 cents...
-JD
I suppose you have hit the nail on the head of my original question. People feel ok to casually discuss their vanilla experiences in detail whether straight, gay or whatever and society is generally cool and excepting of that. But imagine casually saying to someone -"I like getting or giving a pie in the face"
No one would defend that as your legitimate sexuality. It would most likely be ridiculed. Why is that still acceptable?
DungeonMasterOne said:
What they said. ^^^^
Also, always reply underneath the quoted next, not above it. That way, if someone else quotes your post with a quote in it, everything still reads in the correct order, top to bottom, which makes it easier for everyone.
As to coming out, I've always been wide open about being into fully clothed WAM, but then I mostly move in alternative scene circles where kinks, fetishes, and alternative lifestyles are common and widely accepted, and I'm lucky enough to work with open minded people. If I moved in more vanilla social circles and with more judgemental colleagues things would probably be different. So a lot of it does come down to both personal comfort levels, and who the people you're thinking of coming out to are. With open minded folks it shouldn't be an issue, WAM is pretty harmless. But take it carefully, differenty people react in different ways to things.
JD and Messy Andi said:
If you look at the person's reply to your post, next to the heart their is a link that says "quote." Click on that link and that person's response will automatically appear where you type you're response. You can delete parts of their text if you want, but you have to keep the html tags at the beginning and end ( [quote ] ... [/quote ] ) to work properly
RichN said: Sorry if my replies are not showing as specific to the person I am responding to but I haven't quite got the hang of specifying who I am replying to lol.
Along with coming out it is on on my to do list to learn lol.
Along with coming out it is on on my to do list to learn lol.
If you look at the person's reply to your post, next to the heart their is a link that says "quote." Click on that link and that person's response will automatically appear where you type you're response. You can delete parts of their text if you want, but you have to keep the html tags at the beginning and end ( [quote ] ... [/quote ] ) to work properly
What they said. ^^^^
Also, always reply underneath the quoted next, not above it. That way, if someone else quotes your post with a quote in it, everything still reads in the correct order, top to bottom, which makes it easier for everyone.
As to coming out, I've always been wide open about being into fully clothed WAM, but then I mostly move in alternative scene circles where kinks, fetishes, and alternative lifestyles are common and widely accepted, and I'm lucky enough to work with open minded people. If I moved in more vanilla social circles and with more judgemental colleagues things would probably be different. So a lot of it does come down to both personal comfort levels, and who the people you're thinking of coming out to are. With open minded folks it shouldn't be an issue, WAM is pretty harmless. But take it carefully, differenty people react in different ways to things.
Thank you for your reply. All of you are so nice and kind. :
You should absolutely 100% be cautious. With the way things are today you aren't just silently judged for any kinks that are out of the vanilla, it can impact your job, situations with the legal system if you have a child with someone and all kinds of other shit. As open and not caring as Gen Z is, there are too many judgmental assholes still out there. Anything in your life that can be used against you will be. I think we still have about 5 or 6 years to go before the don't give a fuck will take over. I have read reports about some companies demanding access to your social media and think they can control your off hours activities in the name of the reputation of the company. Or making sure your actions do not paint a bad light on the company.
On the flip side of that, there is also the don't give a fuck attitude that you can have. Where the opinions of others should not matter. It takes a long time to get there, but it is possible. It all depends on the level of fucks to give you are comfortable with. Some people don't give a fuck who knows what about them and advertise everything. Others don't give a fuck but it is not something they discuss, more of a if it comes up. Then you have the group that are afraid to be themselves with anyone and have adult conversations. All the groups have their pros and cons. The best thing to do is to live how you are comfortable and be ready to go no contact with anyone that makes you feel less than. No one has the right to make you feel negatively about something you enjoy that is part of who you are. It almost feels like we need a new sexual revolution like what happened during the summer of love only longer and about more than just making sex more mainstream.
On the flip side of that, there is also the don't give a fuck attitude that you can have. Where the opinions of others should not matter. It takes a long time to get there, but it is possible. It all depends on the level of fucks to give you are comfortable with. Some people don't give a fuck who knows what about them and advertise everything. Others don't give a fuck but it is not something they discuss, more of a if it comes up. Then you have the group that are afraid to be themselves with anyone and have adult conversations. All the groups have their pros and cons. The best thing to do is to live how you are comfortable and be ready to go no contact with anyone that makes you feel less than. No one has the right to make you feel negatively about something you enjoy that is part of who you are. It almost feels like we need a new sexual revolution like what happened during the summer of love only longer and about more than just making sex more mainstream.
Coming from a somewhat religious background (I'm personally no longer religious, but in certain ways it still shows that I was raised as such), kinks/fetishes, etc. are widely considered strange or unacceptable. So, even though no one directly projected this onto me over the course of my teen years and throughout much of my 20s, I carried this deeply internalized sense of shame for what I was into. I no longer feel shame, but there's still the knowledge that many would judge publicly (even if they're into kinky stuff privately). My thing is...my sexuality and fetishes aren't really anyone's business so long as they aren't harming anyone. There's zero reason why I would want any family to know, just as there's zero reason for any of them to want me to know those details about them. The same way none of us want to watch our family members having sex or vice versa. The only way I'd want friends to know (and only extremely intimate, close friends) is if they indicate a genuine openness to that. Really, the only person other than myself who I feel would need to know is my significant other.
dalamar666 said: You should absolutely 100% be cautious. With the way things are today you aren't just silently judged for any kinks that are out of the vanilla, it can impact your job, situations with the legal system if you have a child with someone and all kinds of other shit. As open and not caring as Gen Z is, there are too many judgmental assholes still out there. Anything in your life that can be used against you will be. I think we still have about 5 or 6 years to go before the don't give a fuck will take over. I have read reports about some companies demanding access to your social media and think they can control your off hours activities in the name of the reputation of the company. Or making sure your actions do not paint a bad light on the company.
On the flip side of that, there is also the don't give a fuck attitude that you can have. Where the opinions of others should not matter. It takes a long time to get there, but it is possible. It all depends on the level of fucks to give you are comfortable with. Some people don't give a fuck who knows what about them and advertise everything. Others don't give a fuck but it is not something they discuss, more of a if it comes up. Then you have the group that are afraid to be themselves with anyone and have adult conversations. All the groups have their pros and cons. The best thing to do is to live how you are comfortable and be ready to go no contact with anyone that makes you feel less than. No one has the right to make you feel negatively about something you enjoy that is part of who you are. It almost feels like we need a new sexual revolution like what happened during the summer of love only longer and about more than just making sex more mainstream.
On the flip side of that, there is also the don't give a fuck attitude that you can have. Where the opinions of others should not matter. It takes a long time to get there, but it is possible. It all depends on the level of fucks to give you are comfortable with. Some people don't give a fuck who knows what about them and advertise everything. Others don't give a fuck but it is not something they discuss, more of a if it comes up. Then you have the group that are afraid to be themselves with anyone and have adult conversations. All the groups have their pros and cons. The best thing to do is to live how you are comfortable and be ready to go no contact with anyone that makes you feel less than. No one has the right to make you feel negatively about something you enjoy that is part of who you are. It almost feels like we need a new sexual revolution like what happened during the summer of love only longer and about more than just making sex more mainstream.
Thank you so much that is really helpful.
RichN said:
Thank you so much that is really helpful.
dalamar666 said: You should absolutely 100% be cautious. With the way things are today you aren't just silently judged for any kinks that are out of the vanilla, it can impact your job, situations with the legal system if you have a child with someone and all kinds of other shit. As open and not caring as Gen Z is, there are too many judgmental assholes still out there. Anything in your life that can be used against you will be. I think we still have about 5 or 6 years to go before the don't give a fuck will take over. I have read reports about some companies demanding access to your social media and think they can control your off hours activities in the name of the reputation of the company. Or making sure your actions do not paint a bad light on the company.
On the flip side of that, there is also the don't give a fuck attitude that you can have. Where the opinions of others should not matter. It takes a long time to get there, but it is possible. It all depends on the level of fucks to give you are comfortable with. Some people don't give a fuck who knows what about them and advertise everything. Others don't give a fuck but it is not something they discuss, more of a if it comes up. Then you have the group that are afraid to be themselves with anyone and have adult conversations. All the groups have their pros and cons. The best thing to do is to live how you are comfortable and be ready to go no contact with anyone that makes you feel less than. No one has the right to make you feel negatively about something you enjoy that is part of who you are. It almost feels like we need a new sexual revolution like what happened during the summer of love only longer and about more than just making sex more mainstream.
On the flip side of that, there is also the don't give a fuck attitude that you can have. Where the opinions of others should not matter. It takes a long time to get there, but it is possible. It all depends on the level of fucks to give you are comfortable with. Some people don't give a fuck who knows what about them and advertise everything. Others don't give a fuck but it is not something they discuss, more of a if it comes up. Then you have the group that are afraid to be themselves with anyone and have adult conversations. All the groups have their pros and cons. The best thing to do is to live how you are comfortable and be ready to go no contact with anyone that makes you feel less than. No one has the right to make you feel negatively about something you enjoy that is part of who you are. It almost feels like we need a new sexual revolution like what happened during the summer of love only longer and about more than just making sex more mainstream.
Thank you so much that is really helpful.
Thank you for your kind help and support
johnydanger said: I think there's a meaningful difference between the idea of "having a fetish" vs. "being a fetishist". Like, I personally have a WAM fetish, in that it's something I find incredibly erotic, enjoy watching, and frequently fantasize about. That said, I also love "vanilla" sex, regularly have non-WAM sexual fantasies and don't consider a woman's interest in getting messy a make or break in regards to sexual chemistry.
On the flip side, it's clear that for some people WAM really is one of/the central pillar of their sexual identity, and those sorts of people exist for all fetishes. Their ability to feel arousal is inexorably bound to mess, their romantic pairings hinge on their partner's openness to WAM, and they meaningfully organize their lives around being able to indulge in their fetish.
Which is all fine. I don't intend to paint fetishists as weird or degenerate, because all safe, consensual sexual expression is valid in my view. But, I think it's clear that being a fetishist poses a lot more challenges than simply having a fetish. I mean, I've never once thought about "coming out" to friends or family, not out of shame, but simply because it seems like a complete triviality. On the other hand, I can imagine that being a real fear/consideration for a fetishist. On that issue I have no real insights, other than to say it's going to vary wildly based on your family and friend group, which is true of pretty much all sexual identities that aren't heteronormative.
Ultimately, if it's important to you and you're pursuing it in a manner that's safe, with people you trust, then I think people who genuinely care about you will ultimately accept your lifestyle, even if they don't "get it" or have initial reservations.
On the flip side, it's clear that for some people WAM really is one of/the central pillar of their sexual identity, and those sorts of people exist for all fetishes. Their ability to feel arousal is inexorably bound to mess, their romantic pairings hinge on their partner's openness to WAM, and they meaningfully organize their lives around being able to indulge in their fetish.
Which is all fine. I don't intend to paint fetishists as weird or degenerate, because all safe, consensual sexual expression is valid in my view. But, I think it's clear that being a fetishist poses a lot more challenges than simply having a fetish. I mean, I've never once thought about "coming out" to friends or family, not out of shame, but simply because it seems like a complete triviality. On the other hand, I can imagine that being a real fear/consideration for a fetishist. On that issue I have no real insights, other than to say it's going to vary wildly based on your family and friend group, which is true of pretty much all sexual identities that aren't heteronormative.
Ultimately, if it's important to you and you're pursuing it in a manner that's safe, with people you trust, then I think people who genuinely care about you will ultimately accept your lifestyle, even if they don't "get it" or have initial reservations.
i totally agree with this. i can very much relate to the first paragraph as i have a small few fetishes but i'm far from being a 'fetishist' in the strict definition of the word. i can see the topic of being open and "out" for a fetishist would be a question of great concern.
to reply to a bit of OP directly: i dont think fetishism in general is something that is as openly and blatantly diminished and ridiculed but i do believe some fetishes are still prone to more ridicule and demeaning than others (WAM being one of those in my mind) compared to something like BDSM which as a gaggle of fetishes seems to have a bit more acceptance these days (or at least a 'whatever floats your boat' attitude). that's just my opinion though and i would personally ascribe at least some to the point that WAM doesnt have as much visibility compared to more "known" fetishes and that consent and willingness and shared understanding of boundaries and good moral understandings are just as important to WAM as they are to stuff like BDSM.
Of course, there are still segments of society where anything but vanilla is looked down upon (and even some segments where anything even remotely linked to sex and eroticism is frowned on)
/end ramble
Whatever it's worth, I was recently interviewed by a fashion writer for a piece on slime fetishism. Prada recently did a show with slime pouring down from the ceiling and pooling on the runway and she saw it as being inherently erotic, so she wanted to investigate the fetish scene. It wasn't even the first mainstream piece on slime fetishism to come about because of this.
The writer told me she thought slime, in particular, is edging toward mainstream popularity in the same way that foot fetishism and BDSM did a decade ago. This is, of course, the opinion of one fashion writer, but it's not nothing.
Also, whatever it's worth, I've had a lot of luck in recent years with pitching slime to women who are either submissive or switches. BDSM isn't vanilla, but it's pretty commonplace these days and I know a lot of people who talk about it openly. Probably 75% of girls I have pitched slime to have been game. Some enjoyed it enough that it's just something they do now. Others enjoyed it from a not quite sexual standpoint, but understood the appeal and were happy to incorporate it.
This is the first article about prada and slime fetishism: https://032c.com/magazine/notes-from-underground-slime-fetish
I'll post the other when it's published.
The writer told me she thought slime, in particular, is edging toward mainstream popularity in the same way that foot fetishism and BDSM did a decade ago. This is, of course, the opinion of one fashion writer, but it's not nothing.
Also, whatever it's worth, I've had a lot of luck in recent years with pitching slime to women who are either submissive or switches. BDSM isn't vanilla, but it's pretty commonplace these days and I know a lot of people who talk about it openly. Probably 75% of girls I have pitched slime to have been game. Some enjoyed it enough that it's just something they do now. Others enjoyed it from a not quite sexual standpoint, but understood the appeal and were happy to incorporate it.
This is the first article about prada and slime fetishism: https://032c.com/magazine/notes-from-underground-slime-fetish
I'll post the other when it's published.
It *depends* on the situation! For me, it's both a sensual fascination and, I suppose, a true fetish. Whether it's fun or sexy is situationally-dependent and of course consent is key.
Family, and general people like work or something - obviously I'd NEVER tell, no way would they want to know about any aspect of my sex life or vice versa. None of their business. That'd be weird. If they found out? I'd admonish them for even asking because it's obviously personal and it's 2023 and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it.
I have a number of acquaintances who I'm not that close to who don't know and I wouldn't just bring it up out of nowhere. I've had a few acquaintances who've (entirely unprompted) brought it up and even expressed interest but I haven't quite had the courage to really come out to many (I think one did, and said she was curious and tried it and didn't end up liking it which is fair enough)! And a few who've guessed and teased me gently and relentlessly about it (including one from that time I was gunged in public, which was sensual and nice and cool on a hot day - obviously not sexy right there in the moment but hilarious and definitely a ton of fun 100/10 would do again!).
My friends, many of whom are also in the kink scene to some capacity, Know all about me, and vice-versa. It's not one of the most common kinks, and finding venues that are suitable for it is difficult but we've had some success (even done some shoots!). Few are interested in participating themselves, several going "I'd never do that!" or "I can't believe you enjoy it, I'd hate it" - but all in a good-natured way, no kink-shaming here! My best friend messed me for my birthday once - she Knew and I made sure she knew and she was more than happy (gleeful, even!) to dish it out, even though she's totally not into it herself - everybody had a good time, no problems there!
Obviously my partner knows and loves it and relishes and teases me about it and I love that! It's been a while for us but when I'm able to, I expect we will indulge again...
Family, and general people like work or something - obviously I'd NEVER tell, no way would they want to know about any aspect of my sex life or vice versa. None of their business. That'd be weird. If they found out? I'd admonish them for even asking because it's obviously personal and it's 2023 and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it.
I have a number of acquaintances who I'm not that close to who don't know and I wouldn't just bring it up out of nowhere. I've had a few acquaintances who've (entirely unprompted) brought it up and even expressed interest but I haven't quite had the courage to really come out to many (I think one did, and said she was curious and tried it and didn't end up liking it which is fair enough)! And a few who've guessed and teased me gently and relentlessly about it (including one from that time I was gunged in public, which was sensual and nice and cool on a hot day - obviously not sexy right there in the moment but hilarious and definitely a ton of fun 100/10 would do again!).
My friends, many of whom are also in the kink scene to some capacity, Know all about me, and vice-versa. It's not one of the most common kinks, and finding venues that are suitable for it is difficult but we've had some success (even done some shoots!). Few are interested in participating themselves, several going "I'd never do that!" or "I can't believe you enjoy it, I'd hate it" - but all in a good-natured way, no kink-shaming here! My best friend messed me for my birthday once - she Knew and I made sure she knew and she was more than happy (gleeful, even!) to dish it out, even though she's totally not into it herself - everybody had a good time, no problems there!
Obviously my partner knows and loves it and relishes and teases me about it and I love that! It's been a while for us but when I'm able to, I expect we will indulge again...
RichN said: As someone who has his own version of this niche fetish of ours I wondered if anyone has any thoughts or suggestions on the following.: Although I am completely happy, comfortable and call myself proud with who I am and what my deal I am still light years away from being able to come out to friends and family. The reason for this is that I sense a perception in society is that fetishism is still regarded as the last thing it is still okay to diminish and ridicule. My question is am I right to be that cautious or am I just being cowardly?
I had the same problem as you, as it was already written, you have to be very careful who you tell about it because it may have negative consequences. You have to take into account that you will be laughed at and people will tease you. I finally told my best friend about my fetish, whom I trust completely.
egon said:
I had the same problem as you, as it was already written, you have to be very careful who you tell about it because it may have negative consequences. You have to take into account that you will be laughed at and people will tease you. I finally told my best friend about my fetish, whom I trust completely.
RichN said: As someone who has his own version of this niche fetish of ours I wondered if anyone has any thoughts or suggestions on the following.: Although I am completely happy, comfortable and call myself proud with who I am and what my deal I am still light years away from being able to come out to friends and family. The reason for this is that I sense a perception in society is that fetishism is still regarded as the last thing it is still okay to diminish and ridicule. My question is am I right to be that cautious or am I just being cowardly?
I had the same problem as you, as it was already written, you have to be very careful who you tell about it because it may have negative consequences. You have to take into account that you will be laughed at and people will tease you. I finally told my best friend about my fetish, whom I trust completely.
Thank you for sharing your advice, I am glad your friend is supportive for you.
AnaraMess said: It *depends* on the situation! For me, it's both a sensual fascination and, I suppose, a true fetish. Whether it's fun or sexy is situationally-dependent and of course consent is key.
Family, and general people like work or something - obviously I'd NEVER tell, no way would they want to know about any aspect of my sex life or vice versa. None of their business. That'd be weird. If they found out? I'd admonish them for even asking because it's obviously personal and it's 2023 and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it.
I have a number of acquaintances who I'm not that close to who don't know and I wouldn't just bring it up out of nowhere. I've had a few acquaintances who've (entirely unprompted) brought it up and even expressed interest but I haven't quite had the courage to really come out to many (I think one did, and said she was curious and tried it and didn't end up liking it which is fair enough)! And a few who've guessed and teased me gently and relentlessly about it (including one from that time I was gunged in public, which was sensual and nice and cool on a hot day - obviously not sexy right there in the moment but hilarious and definitely a ton of fun 100/10 would do again!).
My friends, many of whom are also in the kink scene to some capacity, Know all about me, and vice-versa. It's not one of the most common kinks, and finding venues that are suitable for it is difficult but we've had some success (even done some shoots!). Few are interested in participating themselves, several going "I'd never do that!" or "I can't believe you enjoy it, I'd hate it" - but all in a good-natured way, no kink-shaming here! My best friend messed me for my birthday once - she Knew and I made sure she knew and she was more than happy (gleeful, even!) to dish it out, even though she's totally not into it herself - everybody had a good time, no problems there!
Obviously my partner knows and loves it and relishes and teases me about it and I love that! It's been a while for us but when I'm able to, I expect we will indulge again...
Family, and general people like work or something - obviously I'd NEVER tell, no way would they want to know about any aspect of my sex life or vice versa. None of their business. That'd be weird. If they found out? I'd admonish them for even asking because it's obviously personal and it's 2023 and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it.
I have a number of acquaintances who I'm not that close to who don't know and I wouldn't just bring it up out of nowhere. I've had a few acquaintances who've (entirely unprompted) brought it up and even expressed interest but I haven't quite had the courage to really come out to many (I think one did, and said she was curious and tried it and didn't end up liking it which is fair enough)! And a few who've guessed and teased me gently and relentlessly about it (including one from that time I was gunged in public, which was sensual and nice and cool on a hot day - obviously not sexy right there in the moment but hilarious and definitely a ton of fun 100/10 would do again!).
My friends, many of whom are also in the kink scene to some capacity, Know all about me, and vice-versa. It's not one of the most common kinks, and finding venues that are suitable for it is difficult but we've had some success (even done some shoots!). Few are interested in participating themselves, several going "I'd never do that!" or "I can't believe you enjoy it, I'd hate it" - but all in a good-natured way, no kink-shaming here! My best friend messed me for my birthday once - she Knew and I made sure she knew and she was more than happy (gleeful, even!) to dish it out, even though she's totally not into it herself - everybody had a good time, no problems there!
Obviously my partner knows and loves it and relishes and teases me about it and I love that! It's been a while for us but when I'm able to, I expect we will indulge again...
Thank you for your helpful reply. Just to be clear I completely agree with you when you say that it would be weird to tell people about your sexual experiences. That would be very inappropriate. I guess what I was getting at by talking about coming out was just to be able to comfortably
identify myself in broad terms as non vanilla when it is automatically assumed (as many people tend to do) that everyone is vanilla if that all makes sense.
It's complicated.
It can hardly be cowardice not to live out your private feelings in public. Especially tangentially sexual ones - however consensual and harmless to others.
But it might well be viewed as dishonest not to disclose something so important to an intimate partner.
Crucially, while this obsession might well be a defining characteristic of ourselves - it's not always "all about us".
I might well have nothing to lose in terms of my own reputation, but others, by intimate or otherwise association with me, might be put in a more compromising position in their circumstances - and likely through no choice of theirs.
The crux of the 'dilemma' is really having due consideration for those around us as well as our own sense of hedonistic entitlement.
It can hardly be cowardice not to live out your private feelings in public. Especially tangentially sexual ones - however consensual and harmless to others.
But it might well be viewed as dishonest not to disclose something so important to an intimate partner.
Crucially, while this obsession might well be a defining characteristic of ourselves - it's not always "all about us".
I might well have nothing to lose in terms of my own reputation, but others, by intimate or otherwise association with me, might be put in a more compromising position in their circumstances - and likely through no choice of theirs.
The crux of the 'dilemma' is really having due consideration for those around us as well as our own sense of hedonistic entitlement.
Bringing pleasure to literally tens of people!
Trouso said: It's complicated.
It can hardly be cowardice not to live out your private feelings in public. Especially tangentially sexual ones - however consensual and harmless to others.
But it might well be viewed as dishonest not to disclose something so important to an intimate partner.
Crucially, while this obsession might well be a defining characteristic of ourselves - it's not always "all about us".
I might well have nothing to lose in terms of my own reputation, but others, by intimate or otherwise association with me, might be put in a more compromising position in their circumstances - and likely through no choice of theirs.
The crux of the 'dilemma' is really having due consideration for those around us as well as our own sense of hedonistic entitlement.
It can hardly be cowardice not to live out your private feelings in public. Especially tangentially sexual ones - however consensual and harmless to others.
But it might well be viewed as dishonest not to disclose something so important to an intimate partner.
Crucially, while this obsession might well be a defining characteristic of ourselves - it's not always "all about us".
I might well have nothing to lose in terms of my own reputation, but others, by intimate or otherwise association with me, might be put in a more compromising position in their circumstances - and likely through no choice of theirs.
The crux of the 'dilemma' is really having due consideration for those around us as well as our own sense of hedonistic entitlement.
The crux of the 'dilemma' is really having due consideration for those around us as well as our own sense of hedonistic entitlement.
Thank you Trouso,, I totally agree with what you say. There another people to consider as well as ourselves and we must always give thought and care of how our actions impact them. What I was envisioning when I posted the question and as someone who is not in a relationship, was a scenario where say amongst a group of people, when it is appropriate to the conversation, there might be a term to gently describe myself as being different to having the common vanilla template such as "hetro non vanilla". I realise that may be a clumsy definition but that's a basic description of what I consider myself to be. I hope that makes sense.
I've never told anyone I know that I'm into wet and messy hair...I don't see what I would have to gain by it, and I'm not really losing anything by keeping it to myself. If I was in a relationship I could see the benefit of possibly gaining a new partner in the act, but other than that I see no reason to come out, it's not like announcing I'm into WAM to people around me will suddenly bring about a spark of "Holy shit! You're into gunged up hair?! Me too! You have to come see my back log of material that I've secretly been shooting for years!" more than likely I'd get a "...well...that's...different..." 
#DontLookUp
I can't really see any need for anyone other than potential sexual partners to know about a person's particular sexual preferences / interests. It's just not something that comes up in general conversation, so the fact that no-one knows it's my interest isn't a matter of hiding it, it's just not part of the conversation. So who you tell really comes down to a combination of how actively you're seeking sexual partners, and how important WAM is to you. As a fairly mature person in a long term relationship I don't see any need for anyone other than my partner to know - i don't discuss other people's sexual preferences / experiences, and they don't discuss mine. On the other hand, if I was in a situation where I was actively seeking frequent short term partners for specifically WAM sex, it might be quite important for people, at least in the pool of potential partners, to know, just to help me avoid "wasted" encounters with people who aren't into it.
I guess this really comes down to the same comment that's been made above - the importance of thinking about why you want people to know.
I guess this really comes down to the same comment that's been made above - the importance of thinking about why you want people to know.
