So because I'm a naive fool, I was flaked/bailed on last minute for a potential wam/kink session. But more importantly, as I'm wondering if this guy was intentionally stringing me on, I'd like to tell my side of this story.

Before you chastise me for being impatient, insensitive to him, inconsiderate, or otherwise proceeding with bad will, I would like to point out I had been chatting, bantering, skyping myself for him, and bending over backwards for him FOR YEARS. Our first conversation was nearly 5 years ago and our shared interests and fantasies had resulted in constant communication, rp's, what have you. Meeting up had been part of the conversation from nearly the very beginning and he had expressed the difficulty associated with hosting, stress from work, and other perfectly normal life-obstacles-to-wam (WHICH I PERFECTLY UNDERSTOOD AND NEVER PUSHED HIM ON).

Jumping forward to more recent times, he had both moved into his own place (eliminating the hosting issue) and moved to another job (one which in HIS words gave him slightly more freedom to think of planning wam sessions).

Thus, I expressed my interest once more this past December about meeting up, making sure to plan very well ahead of time to ensure every detail was ironed out. We agreed completely on the date, and I made sure to follow up periodically. Then, last minute, he canceled on me, citing work and the such. I would like to point out that I would've had to drive over 4 hours to get to him and brought with me literally two boxes full of costumes (which we both very much enjoyed). Obviously, this was highly depressing and I was extremely torn up over it, but I figured he was really tired out and I shouldn't give him a hard time.


However, I had already begun to be highly doubtful of this man's intentions, so I stopped talking with him regularly and even when I did, it was short, terse, and non-kink related at all.

Then, jump forward a week ago, he contacted me and expressed a desire to meet up (WHICH HE HAD N E V E R DONE BEFORE). I jumped at the chance like an idiot, and we corresponded on the topic for the entire week. Then, jump forward to this past Friday, he cancels unceremoniously on me.

Now I am still very considerate to the times and understand that coronavirus has completely exacerbated the logistical challenges of wamming. However, I even offered to drive directly to his place, allowing him to just stay put. And yet, WITHOUT FAIL, he still flaked on me.


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I apologize for this very long rant, but I am beyond fed up with being thrown around and felt so *used* just for my kinks and interests. But, more importantly than that, I would like to ask the umd community as to your opinion on the matter, as I am aware of my own failings and want nothing more than improve myself.

Is this an example of someone flaking and displaying self-centered behavior? (I know this is very convoluted, but I am more than willing to answer any other questions people might have.)

EDIT: As an addendum, I would also like to mention that at no point did this man ever enunciate the sentence, "I am not looking to meet up in the near future," or anything remotely close to that. In fact, had he said that or something similar, I would obviously have bid my farewell and cease all communications. Ultimately, what constantly spewed forth from his mouth was mention of how much he wanted to meet up and fool around.

A big proportion of the wam kinksters are purely theoretical/online kind. The constant claims of "let's meet up" or "let's plan our perfect session" tend to be empty words to make the online interaction a bit more exciting.

I am myself way beyond the part of my life I had real sessions with people I meet online, but I had quite a few of this kind of disappointments (the dreaded last minute cancellation). My piece of advice, first meeting with the other person for a coffee or a drink, and a perfectly innocent talk in a public space: perfect filter for potential flakes, and you get to know the people behind the screen. Believe or not, that will make the session A LOT easier, if it finally happens.

For many the fantasy is all they really want, Its exciting and thrilling. Planning out a messy meet takes a lot of time and effort and of course it sucks ass when you realize that its all been wasted. I posted in the messy minds group about frenzy and consent negotiations Its worth a look. Many times I have weeded out the fantasy seekers by asking the hard questions about a potential meet. Where , When, How, Consent, expectations, Clean up, Ect. I feel like you did your homework but the other person did not. They did not take the time to really think about the meet from an objective point of view. To them is was just a fantasy. Here is a link to the messy minds group and to both posts about consent and negotiations and frenzy. Sorry that you had to go through that.

https://umd.net/groups/session-frenzy
https://umd.net/groups/negotiations-consent

I don't know whether this person was intentionally misleading you, but at this point it seems unlikely that they'll ever turn up, so I wouldn't bother arranging any more meetings with them.

I remember Lisa Moomin saying that some people bought tickets for the "UMD 20th anniversary" party in 2018, but then didn't turn up on the day. So, they'd paid out money, but then presumably they got too nervous and couldn't go through with it. It might be the same here, where the person genuinely intended to meet you, but changed their mind at the last minute.

Nah, because if he were a decent, tactful, person he could have at any point after followed up saying any of the following

- I'm sorry, I have anxiety/social issues and I flaked. I really want to do this, but my body/mind won't let me.

- Yeah, this seemed cool when we were talking about it, but I thought it over and it's too risky for me to actually come out.

- Quack quack quack (I was actually a duck the entire time)

But they didn't. They led the OP on, and then cut off communications. I'm sure they have their reasons, but that doesn't necessarily make them very good reasons.

I'm sorry this happened to you, as it does a SHIT TON of people here, including people who offer sessions professionally.

That's understandable, as that meet required "going public" with a fetish. On the other hand that's not so good as those tickets were sought after, and so some went to waste as the holders never turned up, when they could have been taken by people who would have done. Tricky one.

Thank you all for the thoughts and comments.

One last thing, I've been considering just exposing this person, in the hopes that they never again are able to utterly ruin someone's time on this community. Of course, I'm unsure if this sort of ostracization even works, especially since I imagine it's very simple to just make a new account, but I believe *some* action must be taken at least.

Does anyone have thoughts on the matter?

It's your call, obviously. But as you point out, he can erase his profile and start over (total anonymity, one of the great "perks" online). And perhaps you would feel a bit better, but probably not a lot.

My advice, let it go and get ready for the next time waster

I get more messages than I'd like that have "would you like to wam me"

Since I run a business, and one of the products I offer are private sessions, I cut that short with "I don't discuss hypotheticals. If you would like to get wammed, I offer private sessions."

They don't contact me again.

All very true and valid points but all in all we get nervous when shit is about to go down... like losing our virginity, you're either prepared, scared shitless, nervous wreck, etc.

Me personally I would not engage anymore, they send you a message I would just engage in NORMAL conversation and that only!

Feel for you buddy

Can relate this to time on recon trying organise meetup with lads only let me down last minute than attempt to continue conversation try making plans to meetup again.

I decided no longer to buy gunge or prep until i physcially meetup but this still does not make crap feeling we get from let downs.

Like me I need to remember that not everyone is like that but also maybe say no to people who you feel is stringing you along.

I get that feeling sometimes when hot supermarket checkout guy says at close of transaction "see you later..". How I wish

What's the old joke?

If don't know the mark in a poker game, it's you