Finally worked up the courage to tell the hubby that I want him to get me messy..then *crickets*. We have been married over 20 years and have a pretty non-vanilla sex life. I guess I'm just disappointed and venting. Thought he may be a little into it, or surprise me with some mess, or a little exploration. I'll get over it...just needed to get it off my chest, as I'm feeling a little whiny and self indulgent today.
(Long time lurker, first time poster).

It's pretty rare that we see a message where a woman is into it, and the guy isn't at least willing to oblige. You indicated that you have a fairly non-vanilla sex life, so I'm assuming that you still have a relationship with passion, etc. Has he said nothing at all when you brought this up? Is it only the first time you mentioned it? It's probably worth talking about more.

It took me a long time to bring it up to my ex wife. They hated it, but were at least willing to try it. They could deal with wetlook a bit more, and did that a few times over our almost 20 year relationship.

I'm hoping you can more out of him eventually than crickets chirping or a tumbleweed rolling by.

I'm really sorry to hear this. You say crickets, are you saying he never brought it up again, or he just went silent? How did he respond when you were telling him?

We have a fairly kinky (ish) sex life, and pretty passionate. I've hinted for years that I would like
To get messy (food fight/food play etc). I definitely threw it out there yesterday, even going so far as to say bucket list. He didn't really say anything, it was weird. I definitely let him lead the way in terms of initiating sex, so maybe expecting too much when I thought he may go
out and grab a pie or cake and surprise me, (I can't be the one to do that, I'm so not that brave, and don't want to what I envision may be turn him off/weird him out). So, just feeling a little let down that I put myself out there, a little embarrassed, and honestly kind of cranny about the whole thing.

I can't believe he wasn't into it even if it was one sided. Hey I want YOU to pie ME, if he stays clean I would really think it would be worth trying in his eyes.

I think a lot of the same advice applies here as applies when it's someone's wife or girlfriend who hesitates or resists. Namely, for one, I think it makes sense to start slowly - instead of going straight to pastries, it might be less threatening or weird or whatever to start with just some whipped cream or just some chocolate sauce. If the problem is that your husband can't find anything that resonates with him, this might help, because it's a little more mainstream and might help him feel relatively natural in what he's doing.

Likewise, if he's normally the one who initiates things but he isn't initiating in this case, that responsibility might fall to you. You might not be willing to go grab a cream pie from a bakery and bring it home (...yet), but maybe you could start by, again, just going out and buying some toppings or something. Depending on your read of the situation, you might even be able to cover yourself with something in some strategic locations and introduce things that way.

And if the two of you are already kinky, there's the possibility of integrating WAM into those other kinks. I can't say for sure how that might work because I don't know what your other kinks are yet, but I don't think that we've come up with a fetish yet that can't be combined with WAM in some way or another - and I'm sure that the forums would be more than happy to offer suggestions if you're having trouble thinking up ideas.

Ultimately, I think it helps to remember that you're not asking for anything outrageous or unreasonable. WAM isn't, like, breath play or something, where you literally risk death; it's not illegal; and it's not prohibitively expensive or time-consuming. The whole point of having a relationship is that there's a reciprocal sharing of affection and a mutual indulgence of one another's preferences, and there's really no reason (especially from what it sounds like in your case) that WAM shouldn't be included in that.

So, I'm guessing based on you saying -
1. "We have a fairly kinky (ish) sex life
and
2.(I can't be the one to do that, I'm so not that brave...)

Most of your kinks (and I'm just assuming) are probably more dom/sub related with you being the submissive one.

Personally, I like when a woman takes charge from time to time. It's nice to not have to always think what's on her mind. If I'm being pinned down on the bed, I know what's on her mind.

Maybe you should trying being a little more adamant about it. Or better yet, men love surprise sex. If you're home before him one day, put down some nuru sheeting on the bed and dress up in something hot, and drizzle yourself with chocolate or something. Whipped cream boobs with cherry nipples is HOT!!! Then call him in the bedroom when he gets home? Bonus, do it on a "Sunday" (sundae). (Might now work if you got kids at home though)

One of the primary reasons I wrote a book on sploshing was to make it an easy way to share with significant others. If you think it would help I'd like to give you a copy.

That's a crap first impression of it, but maybe come to him with a specific scene in mind, so he knows what he has to do, and knows you'll enjoy what he does. That might be easier for him to handle, knowing his role in the play

To add to other comments: does he consider it a waste of food and/or money?

You'd be surprised.

^THIS!^ This is actually a thing for a lot of people, myself included. It's exactly why I don't make a mess by myself. I'm pretty damn poor, so I can't justify the spending. But if it were an experience with someone, I'd feel better about it. Probably also why I like gunge, slime, etc more.

If he considers it a waste of food, point out that dessert is "wasted" anyway, in that it's eaten for pleasure, not sustenance.

At least you've now told him...so well done for that That's a big step! You never know...he may surprise you yet

Likewise, if he's normally the one who initiates things but he isn't initiating in this case, that responsibility might fall to you. You might not be willing to go grab a cream pie from a bakery and bring it home (...yet), but maybe you could start by, again, just going out and buying some toppings or something. Depending on your read of the situation, you might even be able to cover yourself with something in some strategic locations and introduce things that way.

^ yes, It's funny on my birthday, he texted me and said he wanted to smash cake all over me...I went out and immediately bought some Bday cupcakes and sent him a sexy snapchat..he put some on my breasts..not quite what I had in mind, but close-ish.

So, I'm guessing based on you saying -
1. "We have a fairly kinky (ish) sex life
and
2.(I can't be the one to do that, I'm so not that brave...)

Most of your kinks (and I'm just assuming) are probably more dom/sub related with you being the submissive one.

Personally, I like when a woman takes charge from time to time. It's nice to not have to always think what's on her mind. If I'm being pinned down on the bed, I know what's on her mind.

^ definitely more submissive in the bedroom, which is a huge change for both of us. I think I will try and take charge at least in this aspect



To add to other comments: does he consider it a waste of food and/or money?

You'd be surprised.

^ not at all. I think it's more a respect thing for him maybe? Or maybe that he can't wrap his head around what I'm wanting him to do??

Sounds like you need to be clear about what you like. If you've self-wammed (or wammed with a previous partner, or gotten messy in a nonsexual situation and realized something about your kinks) tell him what you did and how turned on you were. If you haven't and you're merely wanting to experiment, you shouldn't be going into this with any preconceptions. Tell him you haven't done it before but you think it would be fun to try and want to go all out. Maybe spin it as a submissive thing where he dominates you with mess.

Sounds like you need to be clear about what you like. If you've self-wammed (or wammed with a previous partner, or gotten messy in a nonsexual situation and realized something about your kinks) tell him what you did and how turned on you were. If you haven't and you're merely wanting to experiment, you shouldn't be going into this with any preconceptions. Tell him you haven't done it before but you think it would be fun to try and want to go all out. Maybe spin it as a submissive thing where he dominates you with mess.

^Totally agree, I need to be more clear.
I have self warmed with pie, and love the feeling, would love it even more if it came from husband. I may try and build up the courage to grab a bakery pie, and tell him that I would like to wear it. I just don't know if I can be so exact to tell him to push it into my face without being afraid of rejection?

Tell him exactly that. He needs to know that this isn't some whim that will end in disaster. Ask him if he wants to surprise you one night or if you should provide the pie (either way, make sure it's not cooked meringue, unless that's seriously your thing). If you have a vacation planned in the near future, maybe you can wait until then and make a special night in the hotel room after stopping at a grocery store.

Especially as a woman, I've found if you want something, particularly sexually, you need to be really clear about asking for it. Guys are dense (sorry guys, but you are) and they often don't understand subtle hints or suggestions. He probably has zero idea right now that you're feeling disappointed and sensitive.

Ask very clearly and explicitly for what you want and don't be ashamed about it, which women so often are. There is no shame in expressing your desires and asking for them to be fulfilled, and you absolutely deserve to have your partner hear and listen to you.

Also, if you're waiting around expecting a surprise where he comes home with a pie and fulfills your WAM fantasy exactly how you've imagined it based on this one conversation you've had, sorry but that's a bit farfetched. He doesn't have a WAM fetish and thus has no imagination in that way, and he most likely still cannot fathom that having a surprise cake in your face is something you'd want and appreciate, as evidenced by your birthday story. It will probably be disappointing for you to expect him to get a "surprise" right on the first try and he will probably be too hesitant. So take the reigns the first time and show him. I'm sure once he sees your excitement, a future surprise is not only more likely, but more likely to be along the lines of what you want.

xx,
Resident Lady WAMmer Who is Used to Men Not Understanding Her Weird Fetish

I don't buy into this narrative either. They are props/art materials we are choosing to consume in a different way (that trifle lives forever in my film). I would even argue we're saving the human race from an industrial food genocide - one pie at a time

Back to the OP. it's unfortunate for us but generally so in my experience that food play does absolutely nothing sexually for most people. I've stopped being surprised by this. For your husband it's possibly even worse than that - it's a turn off. It might take some work and discussion to get things moving along the lines of previous suggestions - if that's what you want.

The title was clever, though - and doubtless very seductive. I'm sure your inbox was brimming with propositions whether you wanted them or not

Rich

Although I agree that we men as a species can be dense ( or distracted in deep thought at times) and miss many cues and hints from women....i respectfully disagree that we are all the same in situations like this. Personally, over half of my kinks and fetishes I enjoy were not all naturally inherrent in me. Many of the ones I have are from experimenting in play and kinks of women i were dating or having ssexual relations with. Within limits, i was always willing to try and research futher certain links and fetishes that women wanted to try......and because she wanted to od it, and found it intnese, it in turn made me enjoy them as well. To me, it's still about the individual you are playing with more than the kink itself. Just my 2 cents....

This ^^. We are DENSE, and miss all sorts of cues. For years, I missed that "I'm tired, I'm going to bed" was code for "Come up and ravish me.". Or "Help me with my dress." was code for "Rip my clothes off and do me in the dining room". Granted these are really vague hints, but even so -- when we discussed this stuff, she told me that she had understood that "That's just how men are! Give them any hint, and they're all over you!". She was taught that only "naughty" girls ask for what they want; and also that it didn't really matter because all men wanted was to get laid and go to sleep. In other words, she thought that eventually I'd work out exactly what she wanted. Oh boy, far from it. I had no imagination for what she wanted, and she was not comfortable telling me what she wanted.

(I'll skip the commentary about our messed-up culture and how we define & communicate gender roles and sexuality)

I agree that clarity, and showing him what you like is a good step. And showing him how much you like it is key, too.

As others have said, there's a difference between hesitation/caution/confusion and rejection. He definitely doesn't have the scenarios in mind that you have (although he might if you showed him some pictures or videos that match your fantasies!), so it'll take some time for him to get it right. (I'm guessing that happened with the rest of the kinks that the two of you enjoy, right? It wasn't just smooth sailing right away?) The cupcake thing, for instance, actually sounds like a good start to me - it indicates that he's at least theoretically willing and that he's not too resistant to try it in practice. It's obviously a world away from getting messy for real, but it strikes me as a failure of understanding/comprehension rather than a failure of will or interest.

But here's the other thing: if you're in a good relationship, there'll always be the chance to talk it out and get to the root of what's going on. And that's where being submissive or passive or nervous can be really hard, because, as kittenish and others have said, that conversation will only work if you have the courage to be direct - graphic, even, if necessary. Again, it might help to show him some pics or videos, but ultimately what's happening is that you're trying to get him to see this in (approximately) the same way that you do - that is, to transfer something from your brain to his. Until the Matrix happens and we can just stick a wire directly into our brains, the best and only way to complete such a transfer is with language. It can be scary or intimidating, for sure, especially if you aren't accustomed to opening up in that way. But unless he has explicitly shot down the idea and given some immovable reason for doing so (has he...?), I think you have every reason to believe that you can get him to the point where he's willing to wreck you with desserts every now and then.

So, I guess in short:
1. Has he denied interest out loud? Or even verbally expressed ambivalence? If so, did he offer reasons?
2. Do you have any go-to media that can serve as a model to help him understand what you're looking for?
3. If you have to be embarrassingly open and direct about what you want (possibly repeatedly over the course of a few weeks, and possibly even while it's happening) in order to get him to understand, would that be worth it?

Respectfully disagree here. I knew most of my life that women use the subtle hints/suggestions thing. The problem was that I ALWAYS misinterpreted them wrong. Sadly, we're not able to read your minds, and if we could I think our heads would explode sometimes. So, yes we're dense but not necessarily that we miss the cues, we more often misread them.

As mentioned here.


I've followed those cues in the past, and I've been wrong nine times out of ten. "Help me with my dress." was NEVER code for "Rip my clothes off and do me in the dining room". Rather, it was code for "I'm tired, I'm going to bed". Granted, my relationship hardly ended up being normal. Very rarely was "I'm tired, I'm going to bed" code for "Come eat me out for the next hour".


THIS^ I wish more women would be upfront with what they wanted. It can even be sexy. Just once in my life I'd like to hear something direct like "Now you're going to rip my clothes off and fuck me on the dining room table". I would be acutely aware of what was expected of me, and I'd be as hard and erect as the Washington Monument.

Wait, are you saying your wife divorced you over your kink?

Yes absolutely. Said I was a disturbed person and not normal.

Out of curiosity, what did you tell her your kink was, how did you put it?

I told her I liked food play and lingerie. Then began a period of sustained emotional cruelty where I was told I had made her feel worthless and devalued by doing and thinking such things. 'Only weirdos do that'

Here's the deal. She hurt you a lot. But you aren't defined by what someone else thinks about you. If she's some nutjob puritan who doesn't understand what kinks are, that's her problem. You are in no way at fault for your marriage ending. That is 100% her and her hangups. So, man, welcome back to the community. Take your time before getting back on the dating horse, because I know that's difficult. But be who you are, unashamedly so. And never feel guilty about your kink.

Thank you for your kind words. I will try.