I have been a member of UMD for 15 days, and have loved most of it. However, I do have one bone to pick. There have been a number of instances where I have attempted to chat and received no reply whatsoever. I wonder if we could develop and/or encourage a culture at UMD where members, if they do not wish to chat, send a single polite reply indicating that they do not wish to chat so the member who has attempted to initiate the chat won't be wondering as to why he or she isn't getting a reply and can have more confidence that the reason for no reply is that the recipient simply hasn't seen opening message, perhaps because the recipient happens to UMD open in one window but is busy in another. I welcome comments on this idea, and I thank you for reading it.

I get where you're coming from, nobody likes to feel ignored, but it's important to remember, nobody owes you anything. Introverted folks for example, may shudder at the thought of interactions with random strangers. Personality types abound here. Its best to just be as polite as possible and if you don't get a response, assume there's a non-nefarious reason for it and go about your day.

I think I understand where you are coming from. I have to work with older people on a daily basis. If I do not answer their call because I am working with someone else, they get offended. They think I am being rude to them. If I do not get back to them in what they feel is a reasonable time, same thing. It is something that that generation is not used to. They were taught that when you call someone, they answer the phone. Something that has been hard to teach them is that they have to think about others as well. That it is ok if someone does not call them back on their time scale.

I think something similar is happening here. You are reaching out to people to drum up a conversation. Not everyone is here to chit chat with people. Some folks just like to chat in the threads and that is it. Some people only like to talk to people that they feel comfortable talking with. Some folks are very chatty. Some people see unwanted chat solicitations as rude. It would be nice if there were a box that could be checked if you are open to chatting with people. That would make it easier for folks like you that want to chat with people and have conversations.

Thank you for your comments.they are appreciated. I do agree that replying quickly is what i was taught. For lack of a choice, getting on with my day is what I do, and I am always trying to be as polite as I can. However, my suggestion was not for me. It was for the entire UMD community. Which would you prefer: To sit wondering for several minutes whether or not you are going to get a reply and then not get one, or to have a reply that says, "I'm sorry, but I do not wish to chat" after a handful of seconds? I would definitely prefer and respect the latter, and I do believe that many members of the UMD community would also prefer it. Members can disable chat except for members they friended. If they have chosen to chat with anybody, then they should expect to be expected to reply quickly. If it is known to be common (and polite) practice that the members reply quickly, and I am sure most of them do, then it would be easier to accept the lack of a reply is just, in some fashion, bad timing. Perhaps I wait too long. There have been a number of times that my screen saver has come on because of my waiting.

I guess it does indicate user preferences on their profile and also when you hit the friend button? I can see why a user would be frustrated if chat is listed but does not then chat, but no preference will ever be 'love to chat with everyone'. If your preference is for a polite 'I don't wish to chat', maybe include that in your message? That will encourage those who prefer to reject by not responding to meet with your preferences if they are more open to that.

Thank you for your comment. It is appreciated. On my last two attempted chats, what you suggested is essentially what I did. I asked for a "I do not wish to chat" reply, and I would have been happy to respect it. However, I didn't get such a reply.

I am going to have to bring you up on this:

"However, my suggestion was not for me. It was for the entire UMD community."

No it wasn't. You don't speak for the whole community, nor know what the whole community wants. This is what you want and are trying to not look self-centred by saying 'it's for everyone'. Own your wants/needs.

That being said, I tend to agree with Messyhot, interaction is not a right and folks don't owe you anything. People on here are bombarded with chats and some folks may have many going at once, let along not wanting to reply back in fear of it not stopping (re:dog-piling of women). If someone doesn't reply, it's up to them and not the end of the world for you. Chat rooms are not like real life where you can just close down the browser and walk away.

I grew up in the days of paper letters sent through the post, and then later, email. When I send someone a message, especially someone I've not spoken to before, I don't expect an immediate response, or indeed any response, I just hope they'll get back to me when is convenient for them - and if that's days or even weeks later, all good, they don't owe me anything.

I'd very strongly object to any kind of imposed culture where instant responses to things were required. For those who want instant chat, that's what the chatroom is for, but there are good reasons not everyone uses it.

I think there is a hangout section for people who just want to chat casually on here

This could also have something to do with how a person is viewing the site. I notice chats popping up on my laptop much easier than I do on my Android phone. That being said, we are more likely to reply to someones chat when we have talked with them by DM or in a forum discussion before than just a random stranger that pops up.

-JD & Andi

The hangout is an option, although not regularly frequented.

There is the 'private chatbar' which can be set to 'disabled' if you don't want this option to activate, in your profile settings.

You can also set your chatbar status to be 'busy' or even 'invisible' if you so wish.

This then shows when you click on an individual to chat with them.

I thank everyone for their feedback. It is appreciated. I would like to address a couple of points.

First when I say, "for the entire UMD community", it was based on the idea/assumption, that, if I feel this way, then there must be others, perhaps many others, who also feel this way. Apparently, judging by the feedback, this assumption was incorrect. I will accept this judgment and adapt. I do ask that people please not try to tell me what my motivation is.

Second, what I suggested would be no more imposed than saying, "please" and "thank you". Saying "please" and "thank you" are courteous things to say, but one does not have to say them.

Lastly, if a quick reply is not to be expected, then what is the difference between a "chat" and a "message"?

Anyway, I sincerely thank everyone for their feedback. It has been helpful.

I would say 'chat' is real-time messaging, whereas 'message' is more like an e-mail which might get a reply perhaps days later...

You are still coming off as someone that wants everyone to act and do things in your time frame and the way you want it done. That is not how life is. If you are being ghosted enough that it has caused you to create a thread about it, maybe it is not them but you. Do you also send chat messages to people telling them they should have replied to you by now?

Freud came up with the Oedipus Complex by this same logic

A lot of us just dont use the chat. It turns itself on automatically and if someone messages me, I don't even acknowledge I was messaged. Isn't my thing, I just dont like turning it off every time I come back to the site.

You can turn the chat bar off in the settings under Preferences, which I think disables it.

I view UMD exclusively on mobile phone, and I've definitely noticed the following behavior:

1. Chats stacking up, but sometimes you don't even know other people were trying to chat with you while you were talking to 1-4 different people at the same time. By the time you notice them, they've gone offline.

2. Chats blanking themselves out, sometimes mid active conversation, sometimes realizing someone chatted to you but by the time you see it, its blanked out.

3. Chats sometimes refreshing, to show you there's a chat, and sometimes not.

4. Being active on the site, all's quiet, no one's chatting. Closing the browser. Coming back to a chat from a friend who sent the message after you left but before the system realized you left, so they're saying hi and wondering why you're not replying. Often, the next time you're in, they're already off line. Sometimes you'll just have the empty chat.

In a lot of those cases, asking for a reply to the chat will never even be seen: the message disappears before your recipient sees it.

I could go into the specifics and some technical reasons as to why that is, but instead of thinking of it as a telephone where you know it's ringing on the other end of the line or even a letter in the mail, think of it more as a smoke signal.

If someone is looking for it, and the wind is favorable, it might be seen. Or it might go unnoticed, to no fault of the intended recipient or of the sender.