Hey everyone,
I've been a verrry long-time lurker but I'm finally posting in hopes that I can get this sorted. According to my profile I've been lurking for a decade but even before then, I've known I've had this kink. I intuitively understand that we, as humans, can't control what we're sexually driven by, but ever since I realized I liked wam, I've felt pretty much nothing but shame about it and I can't help but get over it. It doesn't really help that the few people that I've--after a pretty significant amount of courage--told about it (mostly ex-girlfriends, and one close friend) that they've all pretty much mocked me for it. Which, in my eyes, I can very much understand as it is very silly sounding and kinda outlandish and I can see how the outsider might see it as quirky. I've never felt that anyone I've told has disliked me for it or thought that what I was into was absolutely taboo, but I can't help but feel hurt by the fact my kink is so unique. I know this shouldn't make me feel bad because to them its just a weird little thing but to me, for whatever reason, it drastically hurts my self esteem.
I really hate that I'm still not completely comfortable with even my most personal feelings given that I'm an adult, but I was hoping that maybe someone could share maybe an anecdote or maybe even a time where felt like or have had an experience where he or she has been in my shoes, and how he or she has gotten over it--or even how they've been able to adopt it into his or her personality. Sorry if this thread is in the wrong forum, I'd imagine it'd belong here if not I apologize. Finally, because I figure someone will mention it-- I don't really feel comfortable mentioning this in person to anyone, including a therapist, so while it may make more sense for me to consult a therapist, I was hoping reaching out to a community of people that understand this fetish may be an ideal first choice. Eventually, I would like to be able to work this out with a therapist and not have to bother all the fine people of UMD but I was hoping I could find respite within this community until then. Massive thanks for everyone that decided to read through my novel of a post

Welcome! Sorry to hear you've had such negative reactions from people, I've been fortunate in that while not every partner has liked it, none have ever regarded it as anything shameful or negative. Having a fetish, as long as it's legal and consensual, isn't anything to feel shame over, I suspect in reality most people have some kink or other, but even nowadays many never get to explore them for cultural or social reasons. Hell until very recently it vwas generally thought that women didn't have fetishes, which various female members of this site have proven is nonsense.

Anyway, welcome aboard!

Jon: I'm glad that you're starting to accept who you are.

Any therapist worth his/her/their salt (and more importantly their fee!) should be accepting. If they're not accepting, walk out immediately; wam is their problem, not yours.

These days the internet makes it much easier for you to find your soulmate. And so what if they mock you, wam is kinda silly and that's part of what makes it so much fun.

Cheers

Stories like yours hurts my heart. Now this is a long ass story that's probably not going to go somewhere. But I just woke up and I haven't even had coffee. I hope there's some coherence here.

So I was married for too long. She was generally a prude, but we did enjoy sploshing now and then. She knew about my kink, and she accepted it, which was cool. Flash forward years later, we were separated for a couple of years, ending in divorce. (She found "porn" on my phone, and she was anti-porn. It was a thing. Yeah.) So I remade an account here, got on fetlife, and when the divorce was final, I made it a point to include "kink friendly" on my tinder profile. I wasn't going to move forward with my life with someone who didn't accept me for who I am.
Not just someone who's going to reluctantly cover me in pie, but someone who loves me and cares for my feelings, regardless of my kink. That was important to me, more than the pie. I knew it was a tall order, and I was well aware it may be a fruitless search, but that was a hard limit.

Fast forward a bit, I'm trying to be active on Fet, connecting with locals, that sort of thing. Then I received a message from a local Domme who invited me to be the target of a pie throwing, at a local fetish club's femdom night. My instinct was to turn it down, which I did. I was nervous about being THAT out with my kink, as I'm generally a private person. I'd never been to a fetish club, I'd never done anything public like that before, so I was nervous. But I realized I was in a period of transformation. Why shouldn't I do this? So after a couple of hours of convincing myself, I reached back out to her and accepted. I was going to be pied by a bunch of leather clad women; life was taking an interesting turn.

I met with the Domme at a local restaurant, which was really her screening me to see if I'm a more or less stable person, I assume. Completely understandable. We had a good conversation about what I had been going through with the divorce. I found myself sitting across the table from a woman, talking about my porn hating ex, and discussing the logistics of having pies thrown at me. None of this was in my wheelhouse, but I pushed on. She told me people had done this in the past, the pie throwing. I asked how they did it, and she said it was always paper plates and cans of squirt cream. Always being the one to take things to a bit of excess, I felt pies like that were bullshit, and told her how I was going to bring in some good pies for the event. I ended up using pie tins and cool whip to make some decent ass pies. I wanted to rep sploshers, and myself, well.

A line of people stretched back for people to pie me. The Domme I met was organizing the whole thing, since I could hardly see. Someone made the pies, she handed them out, and the people threw them. Honestly, it was more fun than a turn-on. If you've been pied with enough cool whip pies, you'll know it doesn't really melt, so it can pile up. So I'm standing there, covered in pie. I bent down to move some of the tins out of the way, and I heard someone say something, I didn't quite catch. But I heard the Domme say, "don't worry about it, he likes it." And for the first time during the event I felt a bit of shame.

It was weird. Irrational. I felt shame. But I don't think that shame was WAM related. I think it was more about people knowing about what got me off. The shame didn't last too long, because it occurred to me that every other single person in this building is there because they get off on something. They all have kinks. There's a room for littles to sit in their nappies. There's a web of chains, a medical room, spanking benches, bondage crosses, a motorized suspension thing. Why the fuck should I feel shame about what gets me off? I say that not because I feel more "normal" or superior to the BDSM crowd. But because by and large, everyone gets off on something. Everyone.

Here's the thing. You have a unique kink, yes. But it's not nearly as unique as you think it is. Look, how many people play with whip cream and chocolate and think it's sexy? We just take that to a different level, right? But even if it's unique, that's nothing to be ashamed of. You have a kink that is fun and sexy. You have every reason to be confident about it; don't sell yourself short and sabotage yourself.

I know this is super long, so let me leave you with this:

1. Accept yourself. You are normal. You are normal. You are normal. There is nothing about your fetish that makes you "less than" anyone else.

2. Accept nothing less than respect when it comes to relationships. If someone is willing to mock you for your fetish, that's not the person for you. End of story. Move on and find someone more open.

3. When it comes to sharing kinks, do it earlier than later. There are so many people who are married but keep their kink hidden away from their spouse. Don't do this. This is tragic on so many levels. Your partner deserves to know who you are, and you shouldn't be burdened by keeping so much of yourself secret.

4. Ask about their kink first. Don't just make it about you. What does her kink flag look like? Make it a thing, this is a great time for you two to connect in a very special and intimate way. And if she brings her own unique kink to the table, be enthusiastic. Being in a healthy relationship includes meeting each other's needs.

Good luck. If you need to talk, feel free to reach out.

I see things like this a lot in life with people. If you fall outside the cookie cutter, any of those bits must be trimmed so you fit like everyone else. Be it sexual kink, physical appearance, hobbies, not liking a sports team etc. I can still remember a time when "nerds" who read comics were shunned and mocked for it. Now look, a comic book movie holds the record for gross sales. The hardest thing for people in society to do is become comfortable in their own skin. I can only tell you how I did it, but it might not work for everyone. It took me a few rough years to do it, but I did it and am far better for it.

I got a job on the other side of the country and moved away from everyone I knew, all my family etc. Due to the nature of the work I was in a remote office basically alone. I had to depend on me. That was when I started looking around and what wasn't there. I was somehow surviving without all the judgements from people that I thought mattered. Sure the judgements were still there, but that was back where I used to live and I did not have to interact with it in my new place. I started to slowly discover who I was VS who I thought I was through the mask I wore. Once I figured that out, I decided that the person I found was more important than anyone and I didn't give two fucks what people thought. I learned that I did not need the acceptance from people I thought were important and that I was a pretty decent person without their shit. It is a great feeling once you can get to the point that you do not feel shame about anything in your life. You were dealt the hand you were dealt which does not make you a pariah. Once I hit that point I started cutting ties with anyone in my life that tried to make me feel less than. It was extremely bittersweet. I went from having hundreds of people on social media I interacted with because I thought they were friends to about 20 people. Those 20 or so people do not judge me, they accept me for who I am with all my nuances and all my shit. That is one of the other things about it. You have to own your shit. I am an asshole, I know I am an asshole, I know why I am an asshole and I have learned how to control it. I do me and I am happy with it.

A few of my friends know about my kink and I think one of them would be up to give it a try. But our paths keep missing and so it may not be in the cards. I was able to find a girlfriend that was not into WAM in the beginning but has come to enjoy it as much as I do. There is someone out there for you and there are people who will be accepting of you for who you are. The problem is they are all hidden under the toxic people that are out there. I would bet that you already have in your circle someone that is into WAM but has never tried it. Or someone that would be into it if they tried it. I bet there is someone in your circle that knows who you are and is perfectly ok with that person. Find someone that is a good friend. Someone that will accept you no matter what that you can talk with. Because if you are going to go on this journey you will need a friend to talk to. Someone you can be totally honest with. It has to be a give and take friendship or else you become the bad friend. Be aware of how that friend treats you and use them as the marker and if you are not treated by people the same way this friend does, they are not worth your time. It may mean cutting off family because we all have that toxic family member. It may mean that friendships you have had for decades with people end because of how they really treat you. It is all about deciding who's shit you want to deal with. Give people a chance to accept who you are now that you are letting them see you. Let them know their past behavior is not acceptable and give them a chance to change. No one has to be in your life if you don't want them there. They are not that important, though they will fight like no tomorrow to remain in your life, they do not matter. You matter and you being able to live life comfortable with who you are is what matters.

I think we can all sympathize with you on feeling shame about sex and this kink. I think most of us have gone through this struggle and at times felt like getting therapy and going vanilla.

I think it's totally normal to feel shame over sex because western society is still fixated on Victorian era rules of social conform. For me personally it took many, many years before I even realized that I felt sexually aroused by slapstick because there was so much shame behind simply enjoying sex, let alone kink. My father was a staunch Roman Catholic AND I grew up in the deep heart of the Baptist Bible Belt, so everyone was constantly proselytizing, street preachers were everywhere telling you how everything we do is sinful and shameful. It definitely added to my already developing neuroses.

But kink is something that is psychologically connected to neurotic tendencies and the kink itself is a kind of catharsis, a kind of therapy. I think kink is a safe, healthy way to act out and confront the emotions we experience that we cannot control or find closure on. For me personally, I was abused and bullied my entire childhood, which created this fear in me of getting humiliated and shamed by others. For me this fetish became a way to take control of that fear and play out those fears in a safe and healthy way. That fear gave way to anticipation, excitement, arousal. Humiliation no longer ruled me with fear, instead, my sexuality ruled that fear with a ferocity. Kink has put the power in my hands to write my own story of who I am and how much more unique and diverse my life and experiences are. I cannot let anyone tell me what should turn me on, what should feel good, who I should be, what I should feel, or what I should do with my body. It's my body, my choice. It's your body, your choice. There will always be people who are so ashamed of themselves that they project that shame desperately onto others and their opinions are simply not realistic or logical. Sex is completely normal and totally healthy for the human body to experience. Enjoying kink and sex is entirely normal, and in no way shameful.

One thing that's hard to remember is that everyone's opinions on these things are not facts. Opinions are not facts, they are not universal truths. Most of the shame around kink that I've experienced is religious, and nothing to do with physical or psychological harm. A scientist will have a completely different opinion about sex and kink than your fundamentally religious friends and family. Hope this helps in some way

I've not much to add, I was the same as you when younger and was mocked for my kink so I told no one after a while. AS I grew and realised that this life is what WE make it I got more confident, I surrounded myself with more accepting people from the kink community, BDSM and ropers and not sploshers but open, some even said they would look out for other sploshers for me!

I understand the fear of ridicule, but realise it is only a thought and not real, the only weight it has is what we give it and the 2 combined are how we are affected. If you work on your feelings around being ridiculed and taboo subjects then anything that comes your way (because we can't control what others say and do), then you will be affected less. Surround yourself with non-judgmental people and you will become more open.

As for the therapy aspect: Other are right, you have to find a non-judgmental one but we are taught not to be so run from any opening judgmental therapist (though they shouldn't work with you anyway #ethics). If they don't say anything then you don't know if they are judgmental, and that sounds like you are projecting on them, another thing to look at as it is the assumption that can cause fear here.
FYI, I am a therapist, a splosher and I specialise in sex and relationships so if you want to message me with any questions please do so, I won't charge my usual exorbitant fee

As for acceptance:
1. Accept yourself.
2. Accept that others either will or won't.
3. Accept that this is ok and not a judgment on you in any way.

Oh my god Jon, you are so not alone here! We have an entire group devoted to stuff like this called "Messy Minds" under the "Groups" section.

I have personally been through what you are dealing with now, and to echo what Dal said...it's GLORIOUS not giving a fuck. Things that really kicked it off for me on my journey was very closely facing death, and divorce. Once those were out of the way, I realized I have nothing to lose!

In all seriousness, our lives go by on a cosmic scale in less than the blink of an eye, and memory of us fades shortly after. If there is something that brings you joy in this fucked up existence that doesn't harm anyone else, then why not pursue it? Is feeling pleasure from the touch of various substances on your skin so "sinful"? Were we not all made with desire and wanting in our hearts? While we do need to control ourselves so we don't exert ourselves on the unwanting, such as rape ultimately. Having such a small desire as pleasure in getting mess is so....innocent, childish and freeing.

Remember that you are human. I'm human, the models and producers you like are human (MM is a god though) This is not necessarily something you'll just be able to flip like a switch and come to grips with. But know that you are not the only person to have struggled with this, and you're not alone.

And if you still think otherwise, take a look around here
https://umd.net/groups/group/messy-minds

potato

I just kinda wanna thank everyone for their responses. Originally I made this thread and immediately regretted posting and I kinda went out of me way for the past few days to ignore it for reasons that I don't even think make sense. I just was kinda afraid I guess--as this is this is pretty much the first time to an open forum I've ever been so open. Anyways, when I checked today I genuinely can't describe how glad I felt to actually hear that I wasn't alone in my mindset even though I've been lurking for so long and have maybe heard glimpses of a similar outcries over the years. I really can't thank everyone that replied enough as just reading the responses here have greatly helped my self-esteem and, to a degree, has maybe helped me rethink "how bad" having this fetish was-- from what was a pretty big insecurity that kinda made me cautious towards everyone I got close to; to something now I think I'm at least starting to accept as a part my personality. Honestly, I don't know why having watched this community for years, but I didn't really expect the degree of support I received from this post. I genuinely wished I asked this maybe 10 years ago so I begun work on myself then, but I suppose better late than never applies here. I look forward to being more active within this community

Ditto my friend. I lurked here for a LONG time before I broke out of my shell!

Yep , long time lurker as well, now I am happy to smash pies in my face and other places and dump copious amounts of slime over my head. No shame here just silly, messy, sensual fun.

I missed this thread originally while taking a little hiatus, but there is SO much good stuff here!

The only thing I'd like to add is; in addition to this kink being nothing anyone should ever feel ashamed about, I think it's also helpful to recognize that in most cases, it isn't actually the kink you're feeling ashamed about, it's you.

You need to learn to love and accept yourself, not just because you have a fun exciting silly innocent uncommon fetish, but also for everything else that makes up the unique composition of what is YOU.

A lot of times, we feel nervous about revealing our kinks because we're afraid ppl will judge us for them. They'll say we're weird or broken or fucked up or abnormal because of what we're into. That only matters to us if deep down we actually think that we are weird or broken or fucked up or abnormal...

If we didn't have those deep seeded feelings or doubt or self-hate, than it wouldn't matter to us what someone else knows or says about us, because we would know who we really are, and someone else's feelings about us wouldn't cut so deep.

It's like if someone came on here and started claiming I was an Alien because of how much I love green slime. I wouldn't give a shit because I know I'm not an Alien, and I'm confident that anyone who knows me (at least that matters to me) also knows that I'm not an Alien. Sure, there will be some ppl who will start pointing out other supernatural tendencies or add fuel to the fire, but unless deep down I actually think that I *might* be an Alien (and thus, that being revealed to the world is a big deal), there's nothing for me to feel worried or ashamed or even care about. It's just white noise.

Which is all to say that, not just should you feel comfortable with your kink, you should also feel comfortable with yourself in general, and that takes time and work, but it is soooo worth doing, because I guarantee you're a fine human being that's deserving of happiness and love, and you shouldn't let anything get in the way of that. Especially not yourself.

I'm no therapist, but I leave you with a scene from the 1993 sports comedy film Cool Runnings that my boyfriend played for me a while back when I was going through a bout of self-doubt and self-loathing over some career stuff. It ultimately made me realize that the real thing I was stressing about was ultimately how other people see me, because I wasn't happy with how I saw myself. Perhaps the scene will click with you (or anyone else here) the same way it did for me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYRtTqx-IK8

I'm FAR from an expert on this, but just wanted to add something, in your 1st post it kind of comes off like, the way people around you that you told about this acted towards you after you told them, had a significant part in making you feel the way you do, not sure if I'm correct on that, not even asking you to confirm or dispute it

Just wanted to say that if that is/was the case, that the people in your life that you felt closest to, and most comfortable with to share something very private to you, then mocked you or made you feel anything other than accepted or made you feel weird about it...fuck em! You don't need people like that in your life! Seriously! If they were REALLY your friends it wouldn't make a difference, and if they in turn felt weird or different about it, then they should be a friend and sit down with you and ask you to explain it to them so that they can better understand it as well as make you feel comfortable too, friends don't make you feel bad about yourself, and I'm genuinely sorry you had those experiences

Hi
I'm really glad you decided to reach out here. I did the same thing recently and found nothing but support.
I was a lurker for over ten years, had various profiles that I always deleted within a day of creating them. I was so self conscious and ashamed of what I know now is something that i have no control over. I hid my "kink" from everyone for a lot of years, when I did finally gain the courage to tell an ex, she left me because to her it was just to unusual. That happened to me twice which gave me huge self esteem issues that I still struggle with now.

What I would say is - seriously hang in there. The problem isn't yours, it's theirs. You're not harming anyone. This fetish is silly at worst and fun when you find the right person to enjoy it with.
I was lucky enough to find someone who is open minded and receptive to new things and she found all this to be fun and daft and sensual.
Just keep going and don't ever be ashamed of who you are.
I'm sure I speak for everyone reading this when I say well done for posting and we're proud to have you as part of our community

As some one who constantly has to fight back the self loathing demons when he walks past a mirror, I get where you're coming from. I think the main take away is, your fetish isn't as bad or as silly as you think it is. If you find an understanding partner who accepts you for you then that is great. I'd always recommend easing the person into it as well.

Self hatred is one demon we all fight, and luckily I have had some really good partners who accepted me for me and didn't want me to change at all. Some even were happy to do little things for me based on my kinks. I'm always happy to talk about this if you need to, even if you want to email me that's fine. The point is, you're safe here and among friends. Pretty crazy friends but friends none the less.

I was a little put off by my own kinks, but I was blessed to have a really great childhood female friend who did encourage me to go swimming, to get messy etc and didn't even judge me about it. She is the only none partner who knows about my kink and she will still some times get messy with me. If some one has an issue with your interest etc, then screw them.

This^^^ And I'm still not there yet, and probably never will be. I feel I am "weird, broken, fucked up and abnormal" for a lot of reasons. And while I don't particularly LIKE feeling that, way, I've at least gotten to the point where I can it.

No, I can't love myself, but I can accept the unique composition of what is me. Even if I can't change it, I can at least deal with it.

Baby steps and all that.

Dude that is honestly great! Like bringing it back full circle to the title of this thread, self-acceptance is honestly a bigger hurdle than self love in my opinion.

Self-love is a choice. It's an attitude change. A paradigm shift at most. But really, it's a simple choice. And we all can make that choice (once we're ready to).

But self-acceptance is much more complicated, and so much more encompassing. It involves dealing with so many different elements of who we are and why we are that way and what we can change and what we can't and why, and all of those things have layers upon layers of emotional baggage and intuitive feelings attached to them, and it's just a fucking journey!

One thing that gets talked about a lot at AA (and SA) meetings is "control", and how so many of our issues are related to our desire for control. And much of that is due to the fact that control is ultimately an illusion (a fucking airplane engine could drop out of the sky right now and smash down on me while writing this and there is nothing I can do to control that from not happening).

And self-acceptance, to me at least, is so hard to do because it means to some extent admitting to ourselves that there are things we can't control. And then there's all the ego-death stuff plus whatever past trauma's we have and all that bullshit too. But I just wanna point out that it's a big deal that you've been able to come to accept yourself. It is, in my opinion, the biggest of baby steps

P.S. While we're on the subject of control, I find it interesting that it also plays a huge part in my specific tastes re; slime!

Cast members on YCDTOTV could *control* whether or not they said the magic words (in the world of the onscreen show that is), but could not control what happened to them if they ended up saying them (spoiler alert; they got SLIMED ).

And that loss of control plays a huge role in what turns me on about it! (both when watching other people get slimed , as well as when it happens to me :wahhh

The conflict of not wanting to get slimed, and being able to control that (just don't say IDK! Simple enough, right?), sets up the tension, and then the conflict between not wanting to have horrible slime dumped all over you, but knowing that it *could* still happen if you screw up, is what makes it such a satisfying punishment when it ultimately does happen. It's "earned". And the person has to submit to it because they agreed to "the rules" when they agreed to play "the game".

Relinquished their control over whether or not they get the green slime glopped all over them is precisely what makes it so exciting.

You have a willing participant, taking on a risk, and being punished appropriately when they break the rules (the rules being, don't say IDK, or you will have thick sloppy lumpy horrible green slime dumped all over you). This allows for there to be trickery involved, and comeuppance, and sparring, character relationships, etc allllll the things that raise the stakes and elevate a messy humiliation. But it all comes back to there being a conflict over control.

First I am so happy that you've found someone who you're happy with, and also I wanna just scream YES to all of your advice here! This is a great great post!

Second, I wanna unpack one thing really quick re your past experience(s) with sharing your kink and the person leaving you as a result. First off, FUCK THAT! That makes me so incredibly sad and angry and just like, UGHHHH! Seriously, fuck that shit! I am so sorry that that happened to you, and SO happy that you were able to move past it and still find happiness. That could not have been easy to deal with.

That aside, in the hope that it may potentially help someone else who has to go through that (or help alleviate the fears of others who are worried about having to go through that), I wanna point out that a lot of times with relationships, it isn't just one thing that sends the other person packing. Even when it seems like it is very obviously just one thing.

More than likely, you and that person weren't right for each other for a variety of reasons; not least of which being that you are an interesting, open minded, and sexually advanced person with a fun kink, and she is an inexperienced, insecure, close-minded person with a lot of sexual exploration to do if she ever wants to truly cum harder than tsunami. But your kink being "too unusual" was at best the straw that broke the camel's back, and at worst, just an easy excuse for her to use instead of dealing with her actual feelings about you (and herself) at that time.

I mention this mostly because, I know from my own experiences having been on both sides of that coin, that a lot of times we can't see the forest through the trees with that stuff, and will in turn punish ourselves over specific things that we choose to dwell on.

Sometimes those things are stuff that we actually need to make changes about (and we know that deep down, and our inner self is trying to send us that message). But a lot of times, it's stuff that we have worries and anxieties about, and it's easier for us to feed those fears and play the blame game, than it is to face whatever things we actually need to change about ourselves in order to find a better partner next time.

And I'm not saying that that's what happened in your scenario. I obviously don't kn- any of the details of your experience, so I'm merely just bringing this up as a generality I've discovered in my own experiences, because I think it can be helpful to anyone who may go through a similar situation.

And just to give like, a real life example of how it isn't "just that one thing" even when it seems very clear that it was "just that one thing", I submit to you this story;

A few years ago, I dated this girl Katie (not her real name, obsv :halo.

Katie was super fun, super cute, and super exactly my taste when I date women (Purple hair and tattoos?...uhyesssplease! :loveeyes.

But she also was kind of a hot mess. Minus the "kind of" part.

She was flaky, flighty, irresponsible, immature, and impossible to pin down. She was the type of person who would cancel plans on you 5 minutes after she was supposed to be there, and then hit you with a "u up" 4 hours later.

...And then also blame you the next day for standing her up if you didn't come over for the booty call.

Which is all to say that, physically and spiritually, it was a perfect match. But personality-wise, there were a lot of red flags.

Flash forward to a few weeks in, and we're about to have sex. She had gone down on me on our previous dates (and was fuuuuuccckking good at it), but declined each time I went to return the favor; I'm too tired, I'm on my period, I masturbated too hard last night and am too tender rn, etc.

So we're finally about to cross that threshold, and she stops me yet again, and says I have to tell you something... I am not ashamed to say that I am a fun person, and I have been with a lot of ppl, certainly enough to know exactly what conversation we were about to have...

She of course discloses to me that she has an STD (genital herpes), and that she's had it for several years, takes medication daily to prevent breakouts, and has never passed it on to a partner.

I tell her it's not a big deal, that I appreciate her being honest with me, that I've dated HSV positive ppl in the past (both men and women), and that while it's far from a deal breaker for me, I do take my sexual health very seriously, and I'd like to take some time to think about things before moving forward sexually. She says that's totally understandable and thanks me for being "cool about it" and we kiss and cuddle and watch dumb and dumber and go to bed.

I then spent the next few days mulling things over, and ultimately decided to break things off with her. NOT because she had herpes, but because she struck me as the type of person who I wouldn't feel comfortable trusting with my health.

Her irresponsibility and immaturity, both of which are a large reason why she's such a fun and hot person, are also exactly why I didn't want to take any risks sexually with her, and thus, the actual reasons for me ending things.

But like, there is absolutely no fucking way she left that breakup conversation thinking anything other than that I was bailing because of her STD. And no matter what I said or how many times I said it (I did a lot of follow-up because I felt so bad), there was no way she wasn't going to feel like her disclosure had ruined a potential relationship. When in reality, it was all of the other things leading up to that disclosure that made me decide to move on.

And you can substitute the STD component of this story with a kink (like wam), or a mental health issue (like BPD), or a body issue (like a lazy eye or being overweight etc), or a variety of other specific things that one might think is ruining their ability to find happiness.

However, in actuality, it's usually a combination of things that all add up to it just not being right, and we shouldn't beat ourselves up over specific things about who we are, especially ones that we can't change

Take this from someone who definitely has it worse:

The very fact that you have exgirlfriends and exfriends is a sign that you CAN find people that do.

Totally random, but I had to come up with some awe-inspiring quote. Or... quote of a quote.

In National Treasurer, Ben talks about Tomas Edison's response to reporters about his thousands of "failures" at making the lightbulb. His response?

"I didn't fail; I discovered a thousand ways to not make a lightbulb." But he only needed to find one that did.

You have found friends and even girlfriends before. I haven't. Many of us haven't.
You are way ahead of the game man! You're so lucky.

People talking here about ditching "friends" because they disrespected you. How crazy that is to me? You're all just finding people and making friends so easily that you can do that!?
(I wouldn't be too quick to ditch people or reveal your fantasies though; sometimes its' good just to have basic friends to keep you company. ...so I hear.)

I keep hearing the line about you'll find someone someday, ehich I am sick of because its' been 31 years! But here's the "variable": The more people you can find, the more likely you will be to finding someone. It's not just luck with you; you have a HUGE say in how fast you find people.
YOU JUST HAVE TO GO DO IT!
You have nothing to be afraid of with rejection because you can just move onto the next one!

...please... be strong...
do it for those of us who aren't so lucky.
The ones with one or no circles that work to link with others.
The ones like me.

Personally I have very few friends, but when it comes to that it's quality over quantity, nor do I make friends often or easily, because imo, I won't let just anyone into my life, not even speaking on a deep or private level, even to the point of talking semi regularly to regularly

I'd honestly rather have zero friends at all rather than have any number of friends that don't treat me well or make me feel shitty about myself, or in any other way for that matter, its never ok to keep people who don't make you feel better or that are there for you in your life, its toxic and just bad for you mentally, if you have friends like this, and I sincerely hope you don't, but if you do I'd strongly urge you to cut them out of your life, they're not an actual friend if they're doing or making you feel anything negative, I mean joking around or busting your friends' balls is one thing, but if it goes beyond that its just asshole behavior and you'll be better off in the long run without them

Most people aren't really your friend or have your best interests in mind, a lot of people will only look out for themselves and keep people as friends for convenience or because of some sort of gain they can get out of you, even though it doesn't seem like it and you think they're really your friend, to them you're someone they keep around because you offer something to them, other than just friendship, that they can't get from other ppl, and those types of people are no good for you, it's better to get rid of them as soon as you can instead of carrying on a "friendship" and finding this out years later in a really shitty way and feeling super hurt, because you've been "friends" for so long

I sincerely hope you don't have anyone like this in your life because nobody deserves to be treated that way, but at the same time I'm sure we've all been there and had it happen to us before, so please don't feel bad or feel like I'm "attacking" you for lack of a better term, if you are in fact going through this, its happened to me a few times, more than I'm proud of, but also glad that it's happened enough that I can recognize that behavior pretty early and cut it off as soon as I realise it

For example- had a "good friend" who i would hang out with regularly, talk to like we were boys, been to parties and other social things with each other, all that shit, what I failed to see was, he didn't have a car and I did, he wasn't egregious about asking for rides or overly reliable on me for rides, but it did happen on a semi regular basis that he'd ask, and I'd give him rides, eventually after about a little over 2 years of "friendship" he got a car, guess who was barely talking to me or asking/inviting me to hang out almost to a zero extent or was too busy when I would ask once they got a car? So if you do have people in your life who don't treat you well, please don't keep them around, its not good for you

I get what you're saying. (Un)fortunately, I don't have any friends like that.
Mine are all mostly just chat online. I'm not saying to let people walk all over you for "friendship." I'm just saying toy shouldn't be too quick to isolate yourself.

True the car guy was friends because of the car, but at least you had that "friendship" for awhile. In ways, its' no different from people getting jobs, families or orher friends. They stop being friends with you because they found other things more important.

Damn it I had forgotten about this scene!! John Candy left us with some great dialog about liking who we are and accepting ourselves.