Audio Version found here:
https://open.spotify.com/show/7ADGwyCD32qPWHzq2kKOoa
https://www.breaker.audio/wamdudes-story-time

Hello everyone. I know this is the type of thing that would normally go on Reddit, but if I'm being honest, it is much better suited here. I know it won't sound like the normal fare that get's posted, but I need to get this out there. It's best to start from the beginning.

My grandfather died about a month ago, sad yes, but he was over a hundred so this was not a surprise. By all accounts, grandpa led a great life and was loved by family and friends alike. He lived in the house he and my grandmother built (literally), right up to the end. I'm going to miss him. Anyway, Our family was parsing through his belongings, as one does. While going through the attic I found a book I'd never seen before. It was hardbound and about as thick as a volume from one of those old encyclopedia things.

That's not the point. There were a lot of books in Grandpas attic, but what attracted me to this one, was it's obnoxiously lime green binding. Once I opened the book, it was clear this was more akin to a journal. The print was fairly easy to read and amidst the writing were illustrations. And even some Polaroids. Surprisingly enough, this was not my first hint that the book I held in my hands was no ordinary volume. When I first picked up this book, I could feel a tingle of mystic power. It wasn't an uneasy feeling, kind of like seeing a shadow at the edge of your vision, but in your body?

So I get to read this thing and it's just... Some really weird stuff. Each chapter starts with what looks like a grocery list followed by very detailed instructions. I'm just going to transpose the first page here and let you see for yourself why I will not be putting this on Reddit.

Ritual 1: Acclimation

Please understand that this ritual is necessary if you wish to complete any of the others in this book. This exercise will help you bridge the divide between our world and a dimension with unlimited potential.

Participants: 1

Propagators:
2 Containers whipped cream.
7 pie tins (preferably with gram crusts)
2 cans cherry filling
2 cans blueberry filling
6 Quarts of Custard. (Jello pudding is acceptable, flavor not important.)

*Note: Pies can be purchased pre-made, however, the strength of this ritual will be diminished.

Optional:
Protective coverings.
1 observer
Cloths

Procedure:
1. Once all items are obtained, fill the pie tins with their respective fillings, making the pies to be used in the ritual.
2. Top all pies with the whipped cream. (Save the rest for later)
3. When the pies are complete, they must be put in very specific places.
a) 1 Blubbery pie at the preparation area.
b) 1 cherry pie no more than 3 meters (preferably east) of the preparation area.
c) 1 cherry and 1 blueberry pie in front of a south-facing window closest to the bathroom.
d) 3 custard pies in the bathroom.

*Note: This will be the order in which you will apply the pies to your body. Locations will be given below.

4. Now that the pies are in position, it is time to put them on your body as dictated bellow. Please understand, the amount of filling which contacts your skin will determine your effectiveness in completing all further 'games' and rituals. Be sure to let no mess go to waste.

a) The blueberry pie at the preparation area must be placed on your face, as centered as possible. The pie can be stationary or dynamic during application. Feel free to clear your eyes after the tin is removed. (If you choose to have an observer, please have them guide you to the next station in lieu of clearing your eyes. Their presence will not affect the ritual.

b) The cherry pie absolutely must be applied to your bare stomach, so if you have a shirt, it must be pulled up. This is an area high with sensual energy. The application of the cream and blueberries will unlock this area. Take some time to feel the wet and sticky sensations that are coming from your stomach. If you are wearing pants or underwear, it is critical to pull them away from your body so the remnants of the pie can collect in your crotch. After one minute, you must move to the next station.

c) Face the window, the shades must be open. At this point, if you are wearing a shirt, it will be beneficial to remove it. Once your chest is exposed, pick up the blueberry pie with your right hand and the cherry pie in the other. These are to be applied to your chest. If your observer is present, have them pull the front of your pants and/or underwear away from your body to let the excess filling fall inside. You must be mentally present and feel the shifting fillings caressing your chest. The cherries and blueberries should pop with the force of your hands. Those juices flowing down your bare skin are the key to unlocking your inner potential and ability to access sights and feelings unimaginable at this time in your journey. Stay in this spot for 90 seconds, then move to the bathtub

d) If you have not already done so, place the final three pies in a row on the bottom of the tub. If you have an observer, they must stay as far away from the tub as possible. Remove any clothing covering your crotch. Straddle the center pie and lower yourself onto it. The cream will snake its way up the split of your bottom and your crotch. It will appear to defy any laws of physics and flow up, even though there seems to be a lack of force causing this movement. This will be the first signs that you are accessing the alternate dimension, we shall call it Second from now on. Feel free to take a look, the custard/pudding you are sitting in will appear to multiply and come from the crust you are currently sitting in. Just another example of the strange things that happen when you start interacting with the Second. Begin to pleasure yourself. Erotic energy is critical for accessing the other dimension. The tingling sensation of your masturbation should be joining the tickling custard around your crotch. Self-pleasure just before orgasm and stop. Immediately pick up both pies and smash them on either side of your head. You will be blinded. It will feel like more custard exploded from these pies than what is possible. This will be the final indicator that you have just gotten access to the Second World. If you keep the pies in place, the custard will continue to flow from your creations. Feel the custard seep past the tins and coat your entire body. Once your entire body is coated in a thick layer of custard, you can drop the pie tins and finish yourself off to orgasm. I can promise the resulting orgasm will be like nothing you've seen before.

The only downside to this ritual is the absolute mess that will be in your bathtub. The walls and stub will be covered in an inordinate amount of slippery, sweet substance. Congratulations, you have completed The Opening. Supernaturally messy adventures await you in the pages of this book.

And that was it. The first page in this very strange book. Do you see why I thought it would be better here than on Reddit? I'll look into it a little more and share some of the weirder rituals I find. If any of you have heard of The Messronomicon please let me know in the comments. I just did a quick Google search and couldn't find anything. Feel free to ask any questions and I'll do my best to answer them. Stay tuned for more.