We open on the cast sitting backstage talking amongst themselves. JACKIE walks in, looking worried.

JACKIE: Hey guys, I'm glad you're all here, I...I have some news....

NICOLE: Oh no, the Beatles broke up, didn't they! I knew it was too good to last!

The whole cast looks at NICOLE with disbelief.

JACKIE: What...no! I just got out of a meeting with the big wigs and....

NORM: Lemme guess, more cost cutting?

JACKIE: No, it.....

LAUREN: Not layoffs! I can't go back to Arby's! Jeff's the new guy, he's the first to go!

JEFF: Hey!

JACKIE: Guys, guys! It's not layoffs, it's not more budget cuts and the Beatles didn't break up....again.

NICOLE: Whew!

JACKIE: Now listen, it's, well, it's the ratings.

AMANDA: That's it? The ratings? We're a basic cable show on a channel most people have never heard of, what's there to worry about? If 4 people watch us we're sitting pretty!

JACKIE: Not anymore, the suits upstairs all of a sudden expect results. Which means no more slacking, which means we actually have to justify what the pay us.

JEFF: Wait, we get paid for this?

LAUREN: Hold up, what about the writers, how come they're not feeling the heat?

JACKIE : C'mon now, nobody's even sure which bar those lushes are shacked up in everyday. Good luck finding one, and a coherent one at that!

NORM: She's got a point....

JACKIE: We're on our own on this one, we gotta get the ratings up or...

AMANDA: Cancellation....

JACKIE: Worse....format change.....The, gulp, Tomi Lahren Wonder Hour....

JEFF: Brrrrrrr.....

JACKIE: To say the least!

NICOLE: So what can we do? I bet the Beatles would know what to do....

JACKIE: Oooooookay......well, we do have one chance.

AMANDA: Way to bury the lede fearless leader!

JACKIE: The bean counters gave me a list of things they think will move the meter, so to speak. All we need to do is see if any of these help the ratings go up.

NORM: Great, so what do they have in....

Before he can finish, JACKIE slams a bucket of green cake batter onto NORM'S head with a loud GLITCH! We hear a small round of applause and laughter as NORM flails around blindly.

JACKIE: (hearing the laughter and applause) I was wondering how they were going to measure these....anyway, first up, bucket of goo....seems that went over pretty well, but I think we can do better, thanks Norm!

NORM struggles to remove the bucket from his head as JACKIE moves on.

JACKIE: Let's see now, Lauren.....

LAUREN: Nope, forget it, I'm not playing a pawn in this game for some faceless corporate hacks! I don't know who they think they are....

A stream of thick blue slime begins to fall onto LAUREN'S head. She emits a surprised gasp and then looks up, taking the full stream in the face. After 15 seconds she looks directly into the camera and sighs. We hear hearty laughter and applause as the slime slows to a few drips. Lauren removes her glasses and begins to wipe the slime from her face.

JACKIE: Hmmmm, surprise sliming seems to do well, I'll make a note, great Lauren, way to be a team player!

LAUREN stalks off as JACKIE moves on.

JACKIE: Jeff!

JEFF raises a finger to speak but before he can JACKIE hits him full in the face with a powder puff. As JEFF staggers from the surprise blow, JACKIE rips away his outfit, revealing a diaper adorned with hearts. We hear steady laughter and applause.

JACKIE: Huh, dunno if it's the powder or the diaper, but it's not bad. Thanks Jeff, now put some clothes on, wouldja, and get some sun!

JEFF slinks off as JACKIE moves on.

JACKIE: We're doing ok, but we need to find something that people really want to see...(she snaps her fingers) ah! Hold on....

JACKIE walks off and returns with 2 pies.

JACKIE: Amanda, Nicole, help me out....

JACKIE hands both pies to AMANDA.

AMANDA: A pie sandwich? I don't think that's going to.....

Before she can finish JACKIE shoves both of AMANDA'S hands into her face, causing her to sandwich herself. The laughter and applause is loud.

JACKIE: Now we're cooking, surprise pie sandwich, duly noted, alright. Oh, Amanda......

AMANDA is stalking offstage when JACKIE stops her.

JACKIE: Could you grab that for me (AMANDA hands her a bucket) Thanks!

JACKIE turns around and throws the content of the bucket, wet mud, onto NICOLE'S upper body and face. Laughter and applause is heard.

JACKIE: Mud fling, did ok, I guess.....let's see, (JACKIE looks at the second page of paperwork, her eyes widen) well, I think that was very informative, we can take the data we've accumulated, formulate it and....

The rest of the cast appears on stage around JACKIE.

AMANDA: Y'know, I think there's a couple more things we can try to goose those ratings, whattaya say guys?

The rest of the cast nod and a few "umm hmmmms" can be heard.

JACKIE: Ya know, I think we're good, you guys were really team players....

JEFF and NORM appear and pie sandwich JACKIE mid sentence. She is staggered from the blow. Loud laughing and applause are heard.

AMANDA: A true pie sandwich, always a winner!

LAUREN appears holding a cream cake. She removes the 2 pie tins covering JACKIE'S face and immediately slams the cake into her face. Wild laughter and applause is heard as NICOLE appears and slams a pink sheet cake over JACKIE'S head, covering her hair and shoulders. The laughter and applause are deafening.

AMANDA: I think we finally know what the people want! Hold on, I just remembered.....

All of the cast exit, leaving JACKIE center stage covered in cream and crust. They appear 10 seconds later carrying an oversized cream pie which they proceed to smash into JACKIE. Her entire body is engulfed in cream pie and crust. The laughter and applause has reached a fever pitch. The cast exits as AMANDA walks up to JACKIE and dabs a finger into the cream.

AMANDA: Whelp, I think that should satisfy the pencil pushers(she licks the cream off of her finger) Thanks for saving the day!

AMANDA exits as the laughter and applause die down; we are left with JACKIE, humiliated, destroyed, center stage. From the mound of cream that once was a voluptuous young lady, we hear...

JACKIE: There was one gag we forgot to do, always gets a big laugh.................water.

A stream of water pours onto JACKIE from above as the laughter and applause rise and we......

FADE OUT