We open at center stage; DARON stands confidently as JACKIE and AMANDA appear.



AMANDA: Hey Daron, how's it going.



DARON: Great, now!



JACKIE: Now? Why now?



DARON: It's Lent!



AMANDA: Yeah, so?



JACKIE: I think I see where this is going.



DARON: So I gave up getting messy for Lent!



JACKIE: .and there it is!



AMANDA: You can't give up getting messy for Lent. Not even taking the religious implications into consideration, this is your JOB! It's the point of the WHOLE SHOW!



DARON: I went to Catholic school for 12 years. Church every Sunday. The whole schmeil. I can give up getting messy for Lent.



JACKIE: Which testament is that in?



DARON: Listen, I get it, the whole point of this silly little show is to embarrass and humiliate us every minute of every day. Well, no more! For the next 40 days, I'm officially mess free!



AMANDA: You may want to talk to the producers about this. The director. Your agent.

DARON: I don't think you get it; I'll go slow for you: I.GAVE.UP.GETTING.MESSY.FOR.LENT. I'll still be here, I can still get OTHER people messy, just not me. Kapeesh? Comprende?



JACKIE: OK, I've had enough of this, excuse me for a second.



JACKIE walks offstage and reappears a few seconds later with the famous CART FILLED WITH PIES, CAKES AND BUCKETS OF BATTER.



JACKIE: Now, I don't know who you think you are, but.



A stream of thick blue slime falls onto JACKIE'S head; she eventually looks up and takes the full brunt of the sliming in her face. After a minute the slime slows to a few drips.



DARON: See, told you.



AMANDA: Oh, c'mon, that's not some divine intervention, that happened because Jackie was stupid enough to say, "I don't know"!



A new stream of pink slime falls all over AMANDA'S head and, eventually, her face as she looks up into it. As the slime slows after a minute, JACKIE and AMANDA look at one another in annoyance.



DARON: I'm so glad I'm not a godless heathen like the two of you.



AMANDA picks up a cream pie and begins walking toward DARON menacingly.



AMANDA: I'm ending this once and for



AMANDA slips on a puddle of slime on the floor and accidentally slams the pie into JACKIE'S face.



DARON: They have eyes, Lord, but still they cannot see.



JACKIE wipes the pie and crust from her eyes and picks up a bucket of green cake batter.



DARON: Yea, though I walk through the valley of the.



JACKIE turns and slams the bucket onto AMANDA'S head with a loud GLITCH!



JACKIE: Oh, stuff it, I was never dumping this on you!



AMANDA has both hands on either side of the bucket, comically struggling to get it off her head. JACKIE moves to the other side of the cart and begins to pick up a large cream pie.



JACKIE: Now, this pie on the other hand



AMANDA finally removes the bucket, accidentally flinging it into JACKIE'S back, which makes her faceplant into a large creamy cake on the cart with an exaggerated SPLUNCH! The pie she was picking up falls onto the back of her faceplanted head. She places both arms on either side of the table, struggling to extract her face from the cake.



AMANDA has wiped the batter from her eyes and picks up a chocolate cream pie.



AMANDA: I haven't been to confession in a while, but I feel the need to bear my soul: I'm going to slam this in.



JACKIE finally removes her face from the cake, revealing a pink mask of cream. As a result, her flailing elbow hits AMANDA'S arm, forcing her into pieing herself with the pastry she was holding. JACKIE clears her eyes and looks at her handiwork.



JACKIE: God works in mysterious ways.



DARON walks around to the cart and grabs two large banana cream pies.



DARON: He does.



DARON pie sandwiches an unsuspecting JACKIE. She then grabs a lemon meringue pie and slams it atop JACKIE'S head.



AMANDA is wiping away cream and crust as DARON grabs the last bucket filled with wet mud.



DARON: And woe to those who draw iniquity with cords of falsehood, who draw sin as with cart ropes.



DARON slams the bucket onto a surprised AMANDA'S head with a wet SPLAT! AMANDA and JACKIE stand amid the destruction, humiliated.



DARON: Who knew that 12 years of Catholic school would FINALLY pay off?! See ya in 40 days losers.



DARON walks off stage chuckling. AMANDA removes the bucket from her head and wipes the mud from her eyes as JACKIE removes the pie tins from either side of her face. She too wipes the mess from her eyes.



AMANDA: Hasn't she ever heard of the Golden Rule?



JACKIE: Which one was that again?



AMANDA: "Do unto others as you would have done to you".



JACKIE: Oh. I thought that was the one about changing water to wine.



5 buckets of water are flung at the two ladies from various points offstage. JACKIE spits water out of her mouth as AMANDA surveys the epic mess all around them.



AMANDA: I think I need a glass of wine right about now.



JACKIE: More like a bottle.



AMANDA: My treat.



JACKIE: I can't, I gave up alcohol for Lent.



FADE OUT