LADY CAROLINE IS A BRIDESMAID


Caroline's best friend, Fiona, had recently become engaged to be married. Her fiancée was Hugo, another of Caroline's 'set'. Having decided to tie the knot, neither Fiona nor Hugo wanted to have a long engagement. They decided to have a small, select wedding of immediate family and friends in the church in the Sussex village where Fiona had grown up, to be followed by a marquee reception at High Down House, her family home. Needless to say, this small-scale affair did not sit well with Fiona's mother, Penelope Anstruther! "But we simply must invite Cousin Amanda and her four children, and then there are the Montgomery's; I know we haven't seen them since they moved to Canada, but they so adored you when you were a baby." And so the argument went on.for several days!

Finally, however, Fiona's dogged resistance to any of her Mother's arguments won the day and, very reluctantly, Penelope agreed to go along with what Fiona wanted. "But you will upset half the county by not inviting them," she grumbled.

Once the detailed planning could be started, Fiona and Hugo soon drew up a guest list of some fifty family members and close friends. For all their insistence on having a small wedding, both Fiona and Huge were determined to make it a memorable one.

The Wedding Day dawned fine and fair, much to Caroline's delight, for the previous week had been nothing but one downpour of rain after another. "I'm glad Fiona can have her big day with the sun shinning," she thought as she looked at all the fresh green growth and sparkling sky from the window of the bedroom at High Down House that had been allocated to her as Chief (indeed only) Bridesmaid. Hugo was to be supported by another good friend, Franklin Gould, as his Best Man.

Caroline quickly got dressed in her bridesmaid's outfit, a gorgeous long gown of lilac silk and taffeta, before going through to Fiona's bedroom, where the bride was just emerging from her bath. "All ready for the off?" Caroline enquired; "no second thoughts?" "Absolutely not," Fiona replied. "Today is going to be the most memorable wedding anyone attending will have been to, and I intend to enjoy every moment!"

Caroline helped her friend get dressed. In proper bridal tradition, Fiona was wearing a beautiful set of pristine, white lingerie; strapless corset with delicate lace trim and four suspenders; a lace thong; and sheer, white, opera-length stockings. Once dressed in her underwear, Fiona slipped on a dressing gown and she and Caroline opened the first champagne of the day whilst they waited for their hairdresser to arrive. The hairdresser pitched up on time at 10 o'clock and set to dressing Fiona's hair into a beautiful up-do, interwoven with pearls and flowers. This took quite a while. When she had finished with Fiona, the hairdresser put Caroline's hair up into a simpler, but still very attractive style.

Then, finally, it was time for Fiona to put on her Wedding Dress. This was a gorgeous confection of white silk and lace, with long sleeves and a demure v-shaped neckline. The dress had a short train and the bride's veil was held in place with the family tiara. Fiona looked fabulous. "It almost makes one consider getting married oneself," Caroline giggled. "That will be the day," Fiona reposted, "you value your independence too much to give up even part of it!" "You are right," Caroline replied, somewhat wistfully, "but I am really glad that marriage is right for you. And in Hugo you have found a real soul-mate." "Let's hope it continues that way after today," Fiona replied, enigmatically.

The two girls remained in Fiona's bedroom sipping champagne until her father called out; "The car is here for you and Lady Anstruther, Caroline." "Good luck, dear; I'll see you at the church," said Caroline, kissing Fiona on the cheek. She went downstairs and set off for the church with Fiona's mother.

At the church, everything was in order. Hugo was standing nervously at the front with Franklin doing his best to calm him down. Lady Penelope took her place on the left side of the aisle, whilst Caroline waited in the narthex for the bride to arrive. Once Caroline had titivated and checked that Fiona looked perfect, the organ struck up and a radiant Fiona walked slowly down the aisle on her father's arm. Caroline followed a few paces behind ready to arrange the bride's train and take her bouquet.

The service went smoothly. Franklin hadn't lost the rings, and both Hugo and Fiona remembered their responses. In next to no time the happy, newly married couple were walking down the aisle to the strains of a Wedding March.

After the usual congratulations and formal photographs, everyone boarded a beribboned bus for the short drive back to the house where a marquee had been erected on the lawn. After the rain of the previous week, the ground was sodden and rather muddy but fortunately matting had been laid across the lawn to the entrance of the marquee so the guests were able to take their seats without getting sullied. Inside, the marquee had been decorated to create the impression of a clearing in woodland. Shrubs and trees in pots lined the walls and the roof was hidden under a canopy of branches bedecked with artificial blossom; the guests "oohed" and "arrhed" in admiration as they entered the tent. The table settings were quite informal, with round tables set out in the glade. Fiona and Hugo sat in the centre, whist their parents, Caroline, and Franklin 'hosted' on others.

The meal and wines were excellent and conversation sparkled. What no one noticed was that, after the main course had been cleared away, the waiting staff disappeared, to be replaced by two new waitresses and a waiter. These just happened to be friends of Caroline and Fiona, and their names were Susie, Candy and William.

Caroline stood and walked to a podium that was set up under a particularly lush area of foliage. She tapped her champagne glass to call for quiet. "Before we move on to the next part of the meal I have an announcement to make. Our waiter has just noticed that a number of pigeons seem to have got into the tent and are perching above you. I mention this in case there are any accidents. As you know pigeons are notorious for their droppings." As if on cue, cooing was heard and a large white splat landed on Caroline's shoulder, trickling down the front of her beautiful dress. "Well they do say being poo'd on by a bird is considered a sign of good luck," she laughed ruefully, wiping the mess away but in the process smearing it more widely over her bosom. "Just in case this particular bird has any more ammunition up there, I think I should propose the first toast." Caroline looked up to check the position of the 'pigeon' as she raised her glass, only for an even larger dropping to splat on her face. Nervous tittering started among the guests as they all started searching for bird life above their own heads. Fortunately all the birds seemed to be concentrated above Caroline.

"A toast to Mr and Mrs Hugo Styles," Caroline proposed. The guests rose, repeated the toast and started applauding. Just then about a litre of white muck fell on Caroline, engulfing her head and spilling all over the top half of her dress. "I don't think that can have been a pigeon," Caroline announced, "Much more likely it was an Emu." Another quantity of white slime descended from above. "Yup, definitely emu!" Caroline giggled.

What no one among the guests realised was that William was carefully orchestrating the birdcalls and poo dropping via hidden loudspeakers and nozzles. However, several of the guests had experienced previous messy adventures with Caroline and, slowly, the penny started to drop. This wasn't
going to be any ordinary reception!

Caroline returned to her table and sat down, wiping her face clear of mess with her napkin. The woman sitting next to her moved her chair slightly so as to avoid getting anything on her own, pristine outfit. (If only she had known what was to follow!)

As Susie wheeled a trolley, on which stood the wedding cake, across to the Bridal table, there came a shriek from Fiona, who jumped to her feet; "Hugo can't you wait until after the meal before trying to put your hand up my skirt?" Hugo rose in protest; "My love, I can't help myself, you are so beautiful," he reposted. "Well if you can't control yourself, I had better help you," announced Fiona as she took up an ice bucket, pulled out the front of Hugo's trousers and poured the freezing water down inside. Now it was Hugo's turn to shriek; "How dare you; just for that" and taking hold of the back of Fiona's head he pushed it firmly into the top tier of the wedding cake. Cake spurted everywhere as Fiona rose, her face and hair smothered in cream!

Fiona smiled; this was going perfectly to plan. The two girls, with the connivance of Hugo and Franklin, and with the eager participation of William, Susie, and Candy, had decided to make this wedding their biggest messy event ever!

Whilst the guests were gazing goggle-eyed at what was happening to the bride and groom, the three waiters were wheeling trolleys of custard pies and other messy foodstuffs to each table.

Penelope, Fiona's mother, grabbed her husbands arm; "George, what is going on? I think I am going to faint!" Sir George Anstruther was quicker on the uptake than his wife responded; "Stop moaning Penny," he replied, "It is perfectly obvious this is a set up between Fiona and Caroline, you know how they love practical jokes. Well, if you can't beat them, join them!" And so saying he picked up a large chocolate pie and pushed it into his wife's face. "Oh well done Sir George," cried Franklin, who rising, threw an accurately aimed pie at Fiona's father.

This was the cue for general mayhem to break out. Whist some guests cowered back in their seats, others, who quickly read the situation, armed themselves with pies and let fly.

Caroline was hit with three pies in quick succession; one smashed into her face, the second clipped her ear, whilst the third landed squarely on her chest and slowly slid down into her cleavage. "Oh goody," she giggled, "nothing like a good pie fight!" Getting down on her knees, she crawled under the tables to where Hugo's Mum, Geraldine, was trying to keep out of the way. Caroline had earlier noticed, and admired, Geraldine's lovely Louboutin shoes. They were nude-coloured courts with a five-inch heel. Caroline lifted one of Geraldine's feet and, whilst Geraldine was looking down puzzled at what was happening, filled the shoe from a tomato sauce bottle she had taken from one of Susie's trolleys. Geraldine squealed in horror as her stocking foot was slid back into the filled shoe. "You bitch," she shrieked at Caroline, "I bought these shoes especially for the wedding and they cost a fortune. "You will pay for this!" And getting onto her knees, Geraldine grabbed Caroline by the hair (thereby wrecking any semblance of style remaining after all the 'bird poo' had fallen on it). The two women fought under the table, rolling around in pie mess until Geraldine's teal-coloured, silk suit was a besmirched as Caroline's bridesmaid dress.

Finally, exhausted, the two women ceased fighting and crawled from under the table. The sight that met their eyes was memorable. By now no one had succeeded in avoiding a good pieing and in the interests of getting their own back, had joined in the mayhem. William had been busy with his spray nozzles, and streams of slime were descending from the roof across the tent. Hugo had discovered some spray cans of paint and Fiona's once beautiful wedding dress was now stripped with every colour you could imagine. Hugo himself hadn't escaped scot-free, having been debagged by Franklin and his morning coat ripped up the back-seam.

Penelope was in floods of tears as she beat Sir George around the head with her handbag, which someone appeared to have filled with treacle, as this was spraying over anyone nearby. All the guests were smothered in various foodstuffs, and the same went for the three waiters, Susie, Candy and William, as they had joined in the fight as enthusiastically as anyone else.

Ammunition was running low and the fighting was starting to wane. Susie saw Caroline getting to her feet and embraced her in a gooey hug. "This has to be one of your best, Darling," she said, kissing Caroline enthusiastically (Caroline returned the favour with equal passion.) "Mmm, shall we find somewhere quieter?" Susie murmured, caressing Caroline's pie soaked bottom. "Good idea," Caroline responded, "but I had better wait to see Fiona is OK. After all I am supposed to be her bridesmaid!" The two girls collapsed in a fit of giggles.

She need not have worried; Hugh was walking out of the tent with his bride in his arms, clearly intent on consummating the marriage! Fiona's brother, Gavin, could be overheard talking with a battered and besmirched Geraldine; "I have always had a thing about older women," Caroline heard him say, "and you are one hell of a MILF!" "Less of the 'older', and what the fuck is a MILF?" Geraldine snarled as she seized Gavin by the arm and, dragging him out of the tent, pushed him down on the muddy lawn and unzipped his fly. Gavin took hold of her skirt and with one tug ripped it up the front seam. "I don't think we need to worry about them," Susie murmured.

Fiona's father walked over to Penelope Anstruther, who was sitting forlornly in a pool of cake filling, her once beautiful hat bent and covered with goo and her dress totally trashed. "As my wife seems to have deserted me for another, I wondered whether we might get better acquainted?" he asked her as he helped her to her feet. "Well my husband isn't going to get any sex from me after the way he has behaved," Penelope said, "so, yes, I think you will do nicely." And another couple vanished into the bushes.

Next Caroline saw Franklin approach Sir George, who appeared to be sitting on the remains of his top hat and smiling broadly. "Haven't had so much fun for years," she heard him mutter. "Hello Sir George," Franklin said, "you seem to be on your own. As Best Man I suppose I am expected to fuck the Chief Bridesmaid, but women aren't exactly my 'thing', and anyway Caroline and I are too old friends to muck it up with sex. I have to say I was impressed by the way you handled yourself in the fight and you look pretty 'fit'. Might you be interested in a bit of a grapple?" Sir George rose to his feet and kissed Franklin full on the lips. "Haven't had a bum-boy since I left the regiment," he chuckled. "OK that would be fun," and he ripped open Franklin's shirt, scattering buttons in all directions.

Susie grinned up at Caroline; "Well pet, it would seem that everyone for whom you have a responsibility is paired up for the rest of the day. Isn't it about time you and I found somewhere secluded for a bit of girl-on-girl fun?" Caroline kissed her; "Of course it is, darling. And as you are nowhere near as messy as me, that is something I intend to rectify!" Taking Susie by the hand, Caroline led her out into the garden and over towards the pond where, earlier, she had noticed a lovely patch of sticky mud, the result of all the rain. Embracing Susie in a long snog, Caroline slowly toppled over, falling with a loud splat on top of Susie, who squealed with delight as she sank into the soft mud.

As the two girls started to tug at each other's dress, Caroline giggled; "I don't think anyone is going to forget this wedding, do you?"