I've written several What Would You Do tribute stories, envisioning a spinoff where a wilder version of the show somehow finds its way to late night TV. This is the latest installment, the full version of which you can find on my Patreon (patreon.com/hooliham) in both female and male-only variants. I hope you'll consider becoming a patron today -- it's only $3/month!

"You were a GREAT sport. We'll take good care of you."

That was the text Jamie received directly from Marc Summers. It had been a few months since Jamie became the very first contestant on the new adult-themed version of What Would You Do. In that debut episode, Jamie was an unwitting contestant brought in to test out the pure cruelty of the writing room's imaginations.

In what has since become a quaint version of the show, Jamie was called upon to play a rigged yoga challenge, where he tried (and failed) to mimic three yoga poses from Kerry, an experienced instructor. He so badly wanted to impress her, but instead, each of his failures ended in Kerry slamming a whipped cream pie right in his face. And as if that wasn't enough, his final punishment for his triple failure was a trip to the Pie Pod, where he took five more pies and got sprayed with more whipped cream. To this day, his clothes reeked of spoiled dairy.

Jamie's personal life deteriorated rapidly in the time since. He found it so humiliating to receive so many pity texts from his friends after the show aired, and even worse to see images of his messy body go viral and turn into a meme. He was 23 years old, still trying to find his place in the world, and this experience didn't help.

He thought things turned around when he started dating Chelsea. It all seemed so improbable: a beautiful girl, out of his league, someone who brought out the best in him and didn't know anything about his baggage.

But after a thriving 4-month honeymoon period, the relationship fizzled out as summer turned to fall. To Chelsea, something about him felt off, and one fateful October day, she was out at the bars with some girl friends, one thing led to another, there was a kiss, a "let's go back to my place", and by the end of the week, Chelsea and Jamie were done. Only through the grapevine did Jamie learn the reason why Chelsea ended things. He'd never felt so low.

A couple of months had passed, and Jamie's sick feelings had begun to subside, until he found himself alone on a Friday night, idly scrolling through his Instagram feed. And then he saw it. Chelsea, a new post with a simple caption: "hard launch ". She was kissing her new partner, and she was stunning. Her new girlfriend.

Jamie closed the app, sighed, and thought about how turbulent these last few months had been. He remembered the last thing she told him before they stopped speaking: she said she would do anything to make it up to him.

Just then, a thought crossed his mind. He recalled something Marc said to him as they crossed paths backstage. "If there's ever anything we can do for you," he said, "just give us a call."

That's exactly what he did. Jamie reached the show's Executive Producer, who remembered him vividly. Jamie explained his predicament and what he had in mind. True to his word, the EP said he'd pitch this directly to Marc.

"Jamie, I'll call you back by the end of the week."

Sure enough, a few days later, he received a call from the EP saying it was on. Together, they hatched a plan to set up Chelsea and her new girlfriend. It would happen on her birthday, two weeks from Saturday.

Then that text from Marc. "You were a GREAT sport. We'll take good care of you."

The next day, Jamie texted Chelsea for the first time in weeks, to see if she'd be interested in checking out "this new TV show that's taping near me. You can even bring your new partner if you like." Even typing the words made Jamie want to dry heave.

"Sounds cool, we'll be there!" she texted back.

Game on.

As Jamie nervously walked into the studio waiting area, he felt incredible trepidation. He was nervous about seeing Chelsea again, about meeting her new partner, about whether this revenge plan would work, and about being back where the worst day of his life took place. And then he saw it: a photo of him on the "Wall of Shame", seated in the Pie Pod, pie plates strewn everywhere after they emptied their contents all over his body. He had no idea he'd been immortalized in this way, and he once again started to get that sinking feeling.

"Jamie, hey!"

Jamie whipped his head around to see Chelsea and her new partner. Jamie walked over and hugged Chelsea awkwardly.

Chelsea was as stunning as she'd ever been, but also appeared to have leveled up, as if the girl next door she used to be was evolving into someone edgier, a new personality seemingly unlocked by her new partner. Now more than ever, she was a firecracker petite and barely 5 feet tall, sporting a matching white cropped tube top and too-short bike shorts. It was a questionable outfit for a birthday celebration, but not entirely out of place for this location, with the studio being just off the boardwalk in Daytona Beach, Florida.

Her dirty blonde hair was held up behind her head with a claw clip, and she flashed the one thing that Jamie loved about her most: that beautiful, innocent smile.

With the skimpy outfit barely covering her body, Jamie noticed how different Chelsea looked. Better. Chelsea was already hot, but now she was a honeypot in skintight clothes. What little flab she had had been converted into toned muscles up and down her body: sculpted arms, the slight outline of her abdominal muscles, thick thighs.

Unashamed by who she had become or what anyone thought about it, Chelsea came right out and introduced her partner to Jamie. "This is my girlfriend, Patricia!"

They shook hands awkwardly.

Whatever little self-confidence Jamie had left in this moment was wiped away upon meeting Patricia. He immediately knew she was responsible for Chelsea's physical and psychological transformation.

She, too, had sculpted muscles, from her biceps to her abs, all the way down to her calves. She was incredibly well put-together. She was someone whose beauty was central to her identity, and who ensured that she took that gift and refined it for maximum effect. Her chest-length brown hair fell delicately on her shoulders, and her olive skin a nod to her half-Argentinian background was tanned to a glistening shade of brown.

Her glossy fuchsia tank top was bold in color and in look: it accentuated her perky C-cup breasts and had a plunge so deep that it nearly touched her belly button. She topped off her look with a pair of slate gray leggings that seemed extra tight, the way they wrapped around her impossibly thick glutes (half-Argentinian!), high white socks with a high-end athleisure brand logo stamped on them, and a pair of pristine white Nike sneakers.

Jamie lingered a second to admire the deep cut of her skintight tank top and how it contoured to Patricia's hourglass figure. She was intimidating.

"So what's next, shall we check in?" Chelsea asked, if only to break the tension between them all.

Before they knew it, they were filing into the studio to take their seats, each of them making desperate attempts at small talk to not make this whole situation feel so weird.

"So Jamie, have you seen this show before?" Patricia asked.

Right at that moment, the audience began to applaud and the studio lights went up. The famous What Would You Do theme played over the speakers, and before long, Marc came bounding out to greet the audience.

"Hi everyone, I'm Marc Summers, and you're watching What Would You Do! How's everybody feeling today?"

Whoops and hollers from the audience greet him.

"This is the show where we play all kinds of games, give audience members the chance to win fabulous prizes, all to ask them that sacred question, 'What Would You Do?'

"And boy do we have a special treat for you today! I want to take you back to our very first episode, all those months ago. Who here has been watching us from the very beginning?"

A hearty applause rises, though it's urged on by an applause sign from above the set. The reality is, nobody was watching this show until contestants started taking their clothes off as punishment for losing games.

Jamie's heart is racing.

"Way back then, our very first game was a yoga challenge, and unfortunately, our contestant that day failed our challenge. But I'm told he's back in our audience today, and wants a second chance at our games! So Jamie, would you please stand up?"

The audience applauds again, and both Chelsea and Patricia's heads whip to their right and look at Jamie, who stands oh-so-tentatively. Their look screams, what the fuck is going on here?

Marc hustles up to Jamie to greet him.

"So Jamie, if I remember correctly, when you were here last time, you lost and got hit with a lot of pies, isn't that right?"

"Yes it wasn't the best day of my life, I'll admit that."

Chelsea is aghast. She was never told about this.

"So what brings you back here today?"

"I'm here with a friend of mine" he gestures to his left at Chelsea, seated next to him "and I want to challenge her to a game!"

Marc gestures for Chelsea to stand.

"What's your name, please?"

"I'm Chelsea."

"And so how do you know Jamie?"

She freezes. She wasn't proud of the way things ended, and she hoped Marc wouldn't probe too deeply into this. "We actually dated."

"Dated, as in you're not dating anymore?"

"Yeah, we broke up a little while ago, unfortunately."

"Oh man, and you're here together today, interesting. Can I ask why you guys split up?"

She freezes again. She sneaks a quick glance at Jamie, who has a deer-in-headlights look on his face too.

"Um, well I met someone new."

Marc sees a third person seated next to the standing Chelsea. He knows the answer, but asks anyway. "And who's this next to you?"

"...that's my new girlfriend."

"Oh my goodness, a guy, his ex-girlfriend, and her new girlfriend are all here? Wow, this is something else, please, all three of you, come join me on stage, we have a game to play!"

The audience cheers wildly. Jamie has an incredulous look on his face and can only shrug at Chelsea and Patricia, who now realize this entire thing was a setup. Both women stare daggers into him while they walk down the studio steps to the stage.


PART 2: BUTT OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP
"I still can't believe this," Marc says. "This really is the most awkward setup I've ever"

Jamie is heard shouting something off-mic.

"...what's that, Jamie?"

"I said it's Chelsea's birthday, too!"

"Oh wow, happy birthday, Chelsea! Can we get a round of applause for her on her special day?"

Marc leads the audience in a protracted round of applause as the camera zooms in to her confused face. Chelsea thinks to herself, What is happening right now?!

"So let's go around and quickly introduce yourselves. What's your name? What do you do?"

"I'm Jamie, and I work in pharmaceutical sales."

"I'm Chelsea, I work in scientific research."

"I'm Patricia, and I'm a fitness influencer."

"Oh how fun! Well since we have a birthday, we've got an extra special challenge for all of you. Robin?"

Robin enters from stage left pushing two bakery carts, each containing more than a dozen pies made of pudding and whipped cream on foam plates. A stagehand joins her, carrying two low-topped wooden stools, which he places a few feet apart next to the carts. The audience groans. For those familiar with the show, they realize: they're not screwing around. That's a lot of fuckin' pies.

"Guys, we have a problem. Robin here has been working really hard lately, and just doesn't have the energy to get all of these pies to the other side of the stage. So we're going to need your help moving them. Except for this challenge, you can't use your hands for this challenge. In fact, for this game, you have to move these pies using only your butts."

More heavy applause. Many in the audience spent the last 30 seconds staring at Patricia and Chelsea's huge rear ends, and now they'll get to see them in use!

Jamie knows basically every game requires contestants to get messy, but of course, Chelsea and Patricia don't. He is stoic, but they are crestfallen and register their protests off-mic. Patricia is especially demonstrative. As an influencer that cares deeply about her appearance, this game jeopardizes her carefully curated look. She stomps her feet and shouts loudly at Marc, who raises his hand as if to say he's not interested in hearing it.

"We're gonna break you up into two teams. Naturally, it's gonna be one ex against the other. So Jamie, you're gonna be on a team with Robin, and you're gonna face off against Chelsea and Patricia.

"Robin and Patricia, you're going to take pies one at a time from your carts and place them on the wooden stools. Jamie and Chelsea, your job is to sit on them, and transport them to your team's bucket over there." Marc gestures to large buckets about 15 feet across the stage.

"If the plate falls on the ground, you'll have to come back and get another one. You'll have 45 seconds, and whoever can successfully transfer the most pies using only their butts in that time will be our winner."

"Now Chelsea, I'm looking at you, and you have an unfair advantage! You know why?"

"No," Chelsea says skeptically.

"It's those!" He gestures at her white skintight lycra shorts. "Jamie is wearing baggy shorts, and the pies won't stick as well to them. So, Jamie, do you know what we're gonna do?"

"Uhh, no," Jamie says. This wasn't part of his plan

"Robin, please show him!"

The crowd groans as Robin walks back on stage holding a skimpy jockstrap between her thumb and forefinger. Jamie goes bug-eyed. Robin hands it to him; he stretches it out, revealing its rainbow-colored waistband and a shiny silver crotch with the What Would You Do logo front and center. The girls giggle at him with pity.

"Jamie, we're gonna need you to change out of your pants and into this for our game, okay?"

If Jamie thought the embarrassment might be limited to his female opponents, he didn't know this show. Now, not only do I have to undress, he thinks. What happens if I lose the game?

Marc prepares to go to break. "We'll give Jamie a minute to change, and we'll come back with our Pie Sitting game in just a moment on What Would You Do, stay with us!"

The theme music plays as the video feed cuts to an overhead pan of the audience. Commercial.

"Jamie, you asshole, you set us up!" Chelsea shouts angrily.

"You said you'd make it up to me!" Jamie retorted.

Jamie follows Marci, a stagehand, to the back where he mutters to himself about how Marc did him dirty. He angrily removes his clothes one by one. He knows about the show's edgier bent nowadays, and silently prays that this is the only time his dick will be exposed today. He fumbles with the What Would You Do-branded jockstrap until it's on his body securely, the shiny silver crotch looking even more embarrassing now that it's the only thing covering him up.


Marci holds him offstage while Marc counts the show back in. He's greeted by a bed of applause.

"Welcome back to What Would You Do! We're about to play our Pie Sitting game, and we've got everyone here but wait, we're missing Jamie. Jamie, could you please join us?"

The audience ohhhhs as they see Jamie wearing nothing but the shiny jockstrap. Chelsea and Patricia cover their mouths in amusement as they take in the sight. They snicker underneath their hands. Because Jamie re-entered from behind the cameras, his ass crack is in plain view as he strides. The cameras don't miss the opportunity to zoom right in on it. Jamie is visibly irritated now that he is the one somehow wearing the fewest clothes.

"Well Jamie, I've seen you covered in pies, and I can say for sure that right now you've never looked better."

Jamie rolls his eyes.

"Okay, let's get you all into position! Robin and Patricia, you're setting the pies, Jamie and Chelsea, you're sitting on 'em and moving them to the buckets across the stage. Most pies in 45 seconds wins!"

Two cameramen get in place behind the contestants to get an unobstructed view of Jamie and Chelsea's asses squashing the pies. They zoom in extra tight to get the shot. Their butts look so clean, so plump, Chelsea's inside her white skintight shorts, Jamie's totally exposed.

"On your mark! Get set! GO!!"

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