Kellie's Big Day (For REAL This Time!)
Or Countdown to Clutch Part 6

Hey, everybody! Now this time I promise that I'm actually going to tell the story that I set out to tell, mainly because a certain blue-eyed Yankee wasn't exactly excited about how you guys punished me last time. Yeah, I know that the stripping part was my idea. Don't worry, he didn't really get mad. He knows I love you guys. I just had to make it up to him which meant I was on a daily diet of something white and creamy for about two weeks and it wasn't pie. (Like that is supposed to punish me.) Anyway, he's sort of gotten used to me raising a few eyebrows lately. I'll explain later.

First off, there are some big developments for Karen. I won't focus on those though because if I do, I'll end up writing the whole damned story about her again and have to take my dress off and let you hit me with pies. (Remind me what the downside of that is again!) After the Clutch story, which cross my heart, comes right after this one, I'll circle back to summer again and tell the whole story with her. The raised eyebrows thing has to do partly with her and partly with what happens during our visit with Clutch. (Blame Ashley for that one.)

Ok, Kellie's story: Well you know that her romance with Johnny Willingham heated up really fast. It wasn't just lust either. I truly think it was love at first sight, even if the first time he saw her she was standing on a curb in a wrecked business suit baiting cars to splash her with mud. In retrospect, I think that was what fanned the flames actually. But that's silly. I mean, really; who falls for a guy who keeps driving by and splattering her with muddy water? I meanuhD'oh! (See Darcie's Messy Idea and Darcie's Messy Rebound if you don't get that.)

Well, the whole gang went to Mud Fest together on Labor Day and it hit me when we got there why I knew Johnny from there. He always brought The Party Barge which was an old Army Deuce and Half (2 1/2 ton truck) that had the bed open and a bar in the back. He used it to promote his off-road truck business. By the way, since we met him, the Blazer has never run better, but I miss getting smeared with grease and oil helping Jim work on it since Johnny has taken that over.

Karen and Jami also went to Mud Fest for the very first time with us. One of Karen's big developments happens there, but I don't want to go into that now. I will in due time. I have to focus on Kellie if I don't want to be in knee pads for another two weeks. (Again, like that is supposed to be a deterrent.)

Anyway, we all knew that the Johnny/Kellie romance was very hot. More than once she said she would marry him in a second if he asked. She had confided in me that her family thought things were progressing too fast. I personally never saw that as a problem if you were sure the person was really the one you wanted. Jim got in my pants after only a week. That's worked out pretty well.

She said she'd say Yes in a second and she did. On Sunday afternoon, Johnny put her in The Party Barge with no one else and drove out to the middle of the small deep pit and parked. He was surely stuck since the muddy soup there is about three feet deep, but he wanted to be the center of attention just then. He motioned for Kellie to climb out with him and they got in the open back. He stood her up back there and got down on one knee in front of all the rednecks and proposed, presenting her with a pretty nice rock. She accepted and they kissed while everyone cheered. Then he picked her up and threw her over the tailgate. Hey, the mud is soft! And he jumped in with her like a gentleman redneck should. Hell, Kellie loves him to death and she said she'd live in a mud pit with him if he wanted her to. And it's called Louisiana Mud Fest for a reason. If you're not covered in it for three days straight, you're not doing it right.

No, that wasn't her Big Day. That's the wedding and that's coming up. But you have to plan it first. You have to find a place, get a party togetherlots of stuff. She and a sorority sister had promised each other that they would be each other's maid/matron of honor (depending on who married first), but she asked Beth, Debbie, Olivia and me to be her bridesmaids. Then they set out trying to find a place.

In the meantime, we were also planning our private party in Houston at the Rockets/Mavericks game in November. Luckily it would be after Johnny and Kellie's honeymoon. I learned about Clutch the mascot and how he throws cakes at people wearing the opponents' jersey. It's all a set up, but it got me thinking. I pow wowed with Beth, Debbie, Olivia, Kellie and Ashley, who were all going to be there with their significant others, and told them my plan. Then I started trying to work it out with Rockets' management. That's all I have to say about it for now since the Rockets game happens after the wedding, but I will recap it in the next chapter.

There was a wedding to plan. Kellie came to me with some startling news. Her parents refused to pay for the wedding. They said they thought it was happening too fast and that they were both successful business owners and should be able to afford it themselves if they wanted to rush things.

Can you afford it? I asked.

We can, but we're going to have to spend money we were planning to spend for the honeymoon, Kellie replied.

Well that stunk! Kellie told me her parents could be pretty straight-laced when they wanted to be, even though they did have a sense of humor. I told them if they didn't want to pay for it, fine, but that meant we were going to plan it exactly the way we wanted it. They had to be there and they had to participate on our terms.

What did they say to that? I asked.

They were fine with it, Kellie replied, and then added with a mischievous look on her face, but I don't think they realize just what we're planning.

You have me intrigued! I said. What's up?

I haven't figured anything out yet, but do you remember when I told you that I'd never seen anyone show such total disregard for her wedding dress as you did? Kellie asked.

You mean like that? I asked, pointing to above the mantel where a large copy of our wedding party picture, taken in the pouring rain and all of us soaking wet, with bedraggled hair and makeup running down the ladies' faces hung.

Yeah and everything that came after too! she replied. I want to break your record.

Well I started to get excited. While we had shot some really wild Trash the Dress videos for Extreme Bridal Video, all of them had been after the fact. I'd never been to another wedding except Sylvia's where we did some photos in the pool that anything even remotely similar happened. What are you going to do? I asked.

I'm not sure, Kellie replied. I know I want the whole thing to feel as 'irreverent' as yours did, but that's hard to plan. I can't exactly make it rain on our wedding and we're looking at something in October anyway which would be pretty chilly. Johnny said we should just have it out at Big Swamp Mud Park but again, it would probably be too cold. I just want to find something where everyone can cut loose and have fun and feel free to 'trash the bride' all through the reception.

Want me to call Ella? I asked. Ella was our wedding planner if you recall. Of course she planned a wonderful outdoor ceremony with a big Texas barbeque for the reception. What we got was a total drenching and a formal-dress swim party where I spent most of the reception in the pond. And don't you ever think for one second that I would change any of it! Ella's biggest talent was that once everything went off script she kept the chaos under control and everyone who braved the downpour to stay and get soaking wet with us still says it was the best wedding they've ever been to.

No, we can't afford her and guarantee that we could still afford a place to even have it, she lamented. I'm going to have to figure this out myself. I'd ask Sherry, (her maid of honor) to help, but I'm not so sure she'd understand exactly what I was trying to accomplish. I'm not even sure that I do.

Well the wheels started turning in my head. Even though we were trying to put together the party for the Houston Rockets game, I wasn't going to let my friend down. Well I've got some ideas. I'll help you. I declared.

Her face lit right up and she gave me a big southern girl hug and shouted, I love you!

Well let's get to work then, I said. No time like the present!

I jumped on the computer and Kellie got on her IPad and we began our search for some place unusual to have the wedding. We figured the best places to start were places that had anything to do with water. We found quite a few, actually, but they were all outside and this was going to be in October. It seems that wedding pool parties are becoming more popular, but they're not the free-for-all-everyone-into-the-pool parties you see on You Tube. At most of the places we saw, like country clubs and such, at least the guests arrived in swimwear knowing that things would end up in the pool. At some, the wedding party still dressed up to take the plunge, while others the whole wedding party had matching swimwear and at a few, most people including guests were in the pool with their clothes on.

Heck, even Burger's Lake over by Fort Worth offered a wet wedding package. They had the wedding party out on a barge in the lake. They must take people out on boats because everyone was dry in the pictures of the ceremony whether they were in their clothes or swim suits. The cutest thing I saw there was a You Tube of the end of a ceremony. This wedding party was in clothes. The wedding gown and the bridesmaids' and mothers' dresses were all pretty simple since this sort of thing definitely falls under the category of informal wedding. The guys were all in dress slacks, white shirts and dress shoes. The girls all wore strappy high-heel sandals. When the ceremony was over, the groom escorted his bride to the edge of the barge and swept her up and jumped in with her. The wedding party followed them, two-by-two, followed by the parents. The bride and groom crawled up on a couple of air mattresses and waited for the rest of them to wade up onto the beach. Then they jumped back in and swam for the beach and instead of bird seed got pelted with water balloons when they walked up.

That looks like a lot of fun, Kellie said. Of course they're only open in summer.

What about this place? I asked, after opening another link, Mystic Springs Water Park Resort.

They have wedding packages? Kellie asked, sounding shocked. She put down her IPad and joined my at the desktop.

It sure looks like it, I replied. Mystic Springs was in Arlington, not far from Six Flags. Listen to this: 'Let our facility provide you with a unique and fun venue for your big day. Our Wet Wedding package can include a conference room for your ceremony that seats up to 200, and our state-of-the-art banquet room for your reception. After the official daily closing of our massive indoor water park, the doors separating it from the banquet room will spring open allowing you, your new spouse and your guests unlimited private access to all of our wet and wild attractions, along with our outdoor heated pool and diving boards, (weather permitting), which is open from April 1st to November 1st.'

What does it say about dress codes? Kellie asked. I want everyone to be able to go in wearing what they wore to the wedding.

I scanned down and said, Let's seeOh! 'Our massive indoor water park offers you fun photo opportunities that most reception locations can't match. Invest in a sparkling white bikini and (securely-pinned) tiara for a bridal look that shows off your pre-wedding exercise routine. Or, show the world what a carefree bride you are and wear your gown to combine your wedding reception and "trash the dress" session in one spectacular, wet and wild fun-filled occasion.'

Oh and there's a disclaimer about how they are not responsible for lost damage deposits on rented clothing due to chlorine damage.

Kellie snickered. That place sounds perfect! I just hope they're not outside our budget.

We filled out the on-line form for a quote and had an answer back immediately. Kellie and Johnny could afford it, but the only opening they had for a Saturday night in October was the weekend before Halloween.

I was hoping for something a little earlier in the month so we'd have a better chance of it being warm enough to swim outside, she said, but at least it gives us more time to get the invitations out. Let's do it!

We were so excited that Kellie's plan was coming together that we completely forgot to call Johnny and fill him in before we put a deposit down. Luckily he is as big a kid as the rest of our guys and was on board immediately. Kellie got an email stating that she would get a call soon to arrange a time to come out and tour the wedding facilities and sit down with their planner. So she was going to get to use a planner after all.

All that was left to do that day was celebrate. And how do two kind of dorky, tom-boyish ladies who love getting wet or messy celebrate? Why by walking out back wearing a white sleeveless ruffled peasant girl top and Capri's (me) and a pink French cut t-shirt and ripped jeans (Kellie), no bras, (either of us) and walking off the end of the dock into the pond much to the amusement of the first dorky, tom-boyish lady's daughters who were already swimming in their clothes they wore to school. Oh, it's a game to them. Try to get to the pond before Mom can catch us and make us change. They don't know that as long as they don't dive in the mud, I don't care. Love your kids and choose your battles. Besides, they have a long way to go before they get anywhere near my total times being improperly dressed in the pond.

Bailey didn't see anything unusual about our transparent tops, but Paula, who was in the course of blossoming and Carly, who was due to any day now, both had plenty of cause to get the giggles.

Now you know why you have to wear a bra if you jump in with your clothes on with boys around now, I teased.

Well duh, Mom! Paula replied.

Kellie stayed the rest of the afternoon. Jim came home and jumped in to join us as soon as he changed into shorts and a t-shirt. Did I have a problem with Kellie running around in a wet t-shirt in front of him, you ask? He's seen her bare-assed naked at least twice. No, I didn't care.

Kellie continued to bounce ideas off me. She'd tried her Maid of Honor, but Sherry admitted that she didn't think she had the imagination or the sense of humor for that sort of thing. She agreed to do anything within reason that we came up with, but was satisfied just setting up the shower and bachelorette party and such. I would eventually find out that she did have a good sense of humor for that sort of thing.

Speaking of parties, Kellie paid a visit to Mona, Laurie and Curly at The Slapstick Salon to make a video for Johnny's bachelor party. It pretty much followed the same format as what we did for mine with Kellie rushing in wearing a bride Halloween costume




and Beth, Debbie and me wearing mini-skirt tank dresses as our salon uniforms. Kellie ended up stripped to her strapless bra and thong. And when it was time for Kellie to turn the tables on us, we ended up in bras and thongs. All of us ended up egged, pied, caked, slimed and smothered in chocolate. Maybe I'll circle back and describe it after all of the other stories are done. (Wetgalfan's note: I hope one day I'll have time to visit another series. Darcie is keeping me monopolized.)

Any who, where was I? Oh yeah, bouncing ideas off me. She was trying to get the invitations together and called me one evening. My future hubby is a genius! she proudly declared.

Why, what did he do? I asked.

He came up with a theme for the wedding and solved one of our other problems too! she bubbled excitedly. (Yeah, she is majorly hung up on him. That's the way it should be!) You know how we weren't sure if we had enough time to get everyone measured and get dresses done on this short of a notice? Johnny solved it! We make it a 'Halloween-theme' wedding and have everyone come in costume!

Crap! That is a good idea! I exclaimed, and it went right along with her irreverent theme she wanted. You guys going as the corpse bride and groom?

We thought about it, but I want my dress to look good right up until we start to wreck it, Kellie replied. Besides, I think it'll be funny with the two of us all decked out in wedding clothes and everyone else up there in sexy costumes.

Sexy?

Yeah! Wait 'til you see what I picked out for you!

Grea-a-at! I replied. Then I asked her, Have you figured out money for the honeymoon yet?

I guess we could head down to South Padre and camp on the beach. If you're in the water every day, who needs a shower? she offered with a giggle.

I've actually been doing some thinking about that, I said. You know how they have 'stag and doe' parties and have crazy games people pay for to raise honeymoon money?

Yeah, but we're already doing a shower, bachelor and bachelorette parties. I don't think we have time.

We don't need time, I went on. You and Johnny figure out where you want to go and how much it's going to cost and leave the rest to me. You trust me, right?

Like my own sister, Kellie replied.

Great. One last thing: You said you wanted to 'break my record', but so far we've only lined up the water park. Were you really serious about wanting to totally wreck your gown?

I talked dozens of brides into jumping into swimming pools, lakes and creeks and even mud puddles before we met and before we started working together, Kellie began. I knew that when I finally got married, that there was no way I deserved to keep my gown forever. I want it so badly wrecked that it's being held together literally by its last seam and that one breaks just as Johnny carries me through the door.

Awesome, because if I don't have that level of commitment, this isn't going to work! I admitted.

So you want to know my plan, eh? Well ok, here it is. Usually at the stag and doe parties, they do humiliating stunts like bid for people to dunk the bride and groom in a dunk tank or throw pies at them, (My kind of party!), with the money going to the couple to spend on their honeymoon, new householdwhatever. I figured why not do that at the reception, but instead of just the bride and groom, why not get the whole wedding party into the act, or anyone else who wants to join in for that matter? I figure most people will join in the spirit and will be wearing dumb Halloween costumes anyway, so who cares?

However I had to get over a few hurdles first. I knew the blue-eyed Yankee would go for it. He was going to be an usher, making him a legitimate target. My fellow bridesmaids, Beth, Debbie and Olivia would be no problem. Their husbands, who were also ushers, (We have lots of ushers.), also would not require any arm twisting. On the other hand, I first had to run my idea past Sherry. She thought it sounded crazy, but she said she'd already agreed to be part of whatever Kellie and I decided. I told her that the details were a secret from Kellie and Johnny.

Then I called the best man and all of the groomsmen, who I didn't even know. Johnny had just told them that they'd be standing up in Halloween costumes that Kellie picked out and now here I was telling them that they were going to get dunked, pied and a few other surprises all to raise money for our friends' honeymoon. Good sports must attract other good sports because other than a couple of them laughing at me sort of stammering through my plan, they were all for the idea.

That left just three more calls to make. The first was to Kellie's Uncle Daryl. Kellie and Johnny wanted to be married by a minister, but with neither one having a real church and feeling self-conscious about approaching a minister they didn't know to work at such a whacky wedding, Kellie's uncle stepped in and got ordained in an internet church.

I love that sort of shit! he told me, obviously not one to mince words with a woman he didn't know talking to him on the telephone. (It doesn't bother me. Cuss all you fuckin' want!) Just watch out for my sister. She may try to give you trouble.

Daryl's sister was of course, Allison, Kellie's mother. She and her dad, Rich, were my next call.

I don't know, Allison said. Isn't this thing already turning into a circus?

Well, that's sorta what Kellie was shooting for, I replied with a little giggle.

Ally, you agreed to come and participate on Kellie's terms if she and Johnny had to pay for everything, Rich said from an extension phone. You've already heard that almost everyone including Daryl has said, 'Yes'. Don't go back on your word. I think it sounds like fun myself.

At least I knew which one Kellie got her light-heartedness from. Fine, on one condition, Allison said. If John's parents won't, then I'm not going to.

Ok, I still have to talk to them, I said. I will let you know what they say.

I let her off with her condition because I knew I had a ninety-nine-percent chance of having her over a barrel. I already knew John and Maria, Johnny's parents. I'd met them at Mud Fest! John was just as silly and fun-loving as Johnny was and Maria, who I learned was Cuban, was one of the craziest women whom I'd ever met, and that included my mother! Maria talked Mom into joining her in the Muddy MILF contest, which was more or less a wet (and then muddy) t-shirt contest for uhmore MATURE ladies. Yeah, maturethat's the word! It was a new addition this year due to complaints that only the eighteen to twenty-one crowd ever wins Mud Queen. Mom was runner up to Maria when it was all over. I sort of have a feeling that those two are on their way to BFF status. You'll hear more about them later on.

They just laughed when I told them and said they couldn't wait. I couldn't wait to call Allison back and tell her the good news.

Then the invitations went out. The invitations themselves were pretty normal, but there was a note in each one:


Friends,
Johnny and I have both decided that since we don't take life too seriously, we want the start of our lives together to reflect that. Note that our ceremony is six days before Halloween. You are invited and encouraged to come in costume to share our special day. Please also note the venue. The water park will be open for us and we want every single person to let their hair down and join us. Your costume or any other type of clothing or swimwear is welcome. We hope you embrace the irreverence of our day in the fun spirit that it is intended. Hope to celebrate with every one of you!
Kellie


That just leaves what happened, doesn't it. Well hang on because this is going to be another long one, unless of course I break it up and make you sit through another chapter before we get to Clutch. What's that? Oh, yeah, the topless pie thing. Well maybe I'll get it all in after all. Here we go. Get ready for lots of pictures! Oh and remember back when I said that this story arc sort of gets a Parallel Universe feel to it? This is where it starts!

Kellie was aiming for a ceremony that was fun and irreverent and I think she nailed it. We peaked out into the conference room, er, chapel, and saw that most of the seated crowd was in the spirit of things. There was a handful of people, mostly older relatives I presumed, who still came in suits and nice dresses probably because to them, no matter what the invitation said, an evening wedding with a dinner is still a formal affair. There were also a few people simply dressed casually. However most came in costume. There were some that were scary, some that were cute and others that were sexy, but that didn't matter to us. What mattered is that they came in the spirit that Kellie and Johnny wanted for this day.

Then we got started. Robert escorted Maria in with John following. Kellie's little joke was to ask both mothers to dress as witches. I think Maria totally rocked her costume.




John was dressed as a wizard, not nearly as hot but as he likes to say, in the looks department he definitely married up. Oh, and while that's not really Maria in the picture, that is the size costume she wore. Like my mom, she has taken good care of herself. Robert's costume matched Beth's. Even though they clashed with our groomsmen escorts, we wanted our guys to match us. So what if we had a few duplicates? I won't tell you about his just like I won't tell you about Jim's coming up because I don't want to give away ours.

Jim escorted Allison. Even though her figure is a little bit more matronly she still looked good in the costume she picked and I was so glad she arrived looking totally in the spirit of the evening.



While we're talking about mothers, Mom was fairly acquainted with Kellie, but her friendship that had blossomed with Maria ensured her invitation. She and dad came in matching costumes as nerds.





Ok, her costume was one size bigger than the model's, but come on! She's still got it! Yes, she really did wear a tied top braless, which eventually got a lot more attention, but that's for later.

And while I'm off track, I may as well show you Pete and Ashley's costumes.




I wonder how many times Batman went in and out of that Batcave that night! Jeez! Did I really say that? SPLAT! I deserved that.

Then the actual stand up wedding party came in. I was the last bridesmaid, only because we drew straws, and came in wearing the hot little pirate costume Kellie wanted for me. Brice escorted me, and I will also show you the cooler pirate costume I picked out for my hubby. Brice is in the middle.





You can't see them on the model, but my costume also had these black boots that came up almost to my knees.

Beth was next, escorted by Marty. Steven had an identical cop costume.




Olivia came next as the hot nurse. Doesn't every Halloween party need one? Her groomsman's name was Willy and yes, Jared had a doctor's outfit too.




A fellow named Lenny was Debbie's escort and now you get to see Robert's costume as well.




I assume you noticed that all of our costumes were sexy two-pieces that showed our belly buttons. That was Kellie's idea just a little more irreverence. What was the harm? None of us showed as much as a bathing suit would have had we gone that route with the wet wedding theme.

The only one who balked was Sherry. Kellie had found a Queen of Hearts costume cut like the rest of ours, but she wanted a bit more coverage. Johnny's Best Man, Carl walked her in as The Mad Hatter.




The minister, Kellie's Uncle Daryl, took his place. He dressed as a Navy captain. That was my idea in keeping with the wet wedding theme. Johnny stepped out with him. Since this was informal, he was in a white shirt with the sleeves rolled halfway up to his elbow, blue tie, khaki slacks and brown wing tip shoes. Oh, I almost forgot that the captain had a mate with him. Daryl had been divorced for a number of years. He was the baby of the family, and just a few years older than Kellie, but currently involved with a woman just out of college named Connie. Of course I know that I don't have any room to talk about getting together with a man a few years older. I just wanted to know what you thought of her First Mate costume.



And before I forget, someone else you know made it, Karen. Kellie really didn't know her very well, but since Karen was with all of us when she got engaged, Kellie said she wanted to include her. She was escorted too! Her date was dressed as Hugh Hefner and she was his cute little French maid.





That is all I am going to say about Karen for now. It will spoil the story when I circle back and pick up where we left off with her after Carly's party.

What? You want me to stop foreshadowing stuff and then leaving you hanging? What are you going to do if I don't?

SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! Nice coordination: One from the left, one from the right and one straight in my face that snapped my head back. Nice coverage. I'm impressed!

Back to the wedding: The last two people to enter before Kellie were Bailey as the flower girl and a little boy named Tony as the ring bearer. Bailey was wearing her adorable Cinderella outfit and for you to know why she had it is why I dragged you along on vacation with us. Oh, don't complain! You enjoyed seeing me get totally destroyed in that game with her and you know it. We did her hair up in the Cinderella bun and she wore her tiara she got and the glass (plastic) slippers. We made her feel grown up with some light eye shadow, mascara, blush and lipstick, nothing as whorish as Toddlers in Tiaras, just enough to be cute. Kellie wanted her in that costume as soon as they decided on the Halloween theme. They searched and found an authentic looking Prince Charming outfit for Tony. I think Bailey had her first crush that night! Paula wore her Belle costume, Carly was Snow White and Karen brought Jami as Rapunzel to round out our Disney princesses.

I actually had to think about it before letting Bailey wear her expensive costume as well as Paula in her Belle costume and Carly in her Snow White costume. We were all going to the water park eventually and the girls wanted to use those costumes for Halloween. I told Paula to be ready to whisk the other two upstairs to change into shorts and t-shirts as soon as the reception was over in order to spare their costumes. The best laid plans You see; even they had no idea what was going to happen at the reception, only Beth, Debbie, Olivia, Ashley, Pete, Jim, Steven, Robert and Jared did. They were my co-conspirators and somehow we were able to keep it secret from the girls. I had no idea, though I should have guessed, that all three girls would want to be such a big part of it. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The entry music was muted and the real organ Mystic Springs provided began to play the Wedding March. Allison stood and turned and the rest of the guests followed suit. Our beautiful bride in her informal tea-length wedding dress was accompanied by Rich dressed as a vampire. Rich was definitely into the spirit and gave Kellie a case of the giggles when he threatened to bite her neck instead of kiss her before giving her away.




By the way, Kellie did have a cute little veil on, unlike the model in the picture.

Daryl actually performed a decent ceremony in his first and only act as an ordained minister. I only teared up a little. Of course all of our faces were going to be a lot wetter shortly, but only a few of us knew just how shortly and why.

Ok, I lied. All three of the stoogettes and our honorary member Olivia, (only because she lives so far out of town) were crying when Daryl pronounced them husband and wife. That's because the four of us know better than probably anyone else just how crazy those two were for each other and how giddy Kellie's been about the idea of being Johnny's wife since probably that third date at the mud park. She would be the first to tell you that she had not been that lucky with guys and when she found one who was sweet and acted like he adored her the way she's seen our guys do, she wasn't about to let go of him. So what if he liked to play in the mud?

We all filed out at the end of the ceremony and formed the receiving line. Then came pictures. Oh, I forgot to highlight one more costume for you. Kellie's new intern Michelle was very cute as Major Trouble. She was handling all of the photography duties. Our guys were tag-teaming video.



We headed into the banquet hall after pictures. That is when the irreverence would make the shift into high gear. We had rented the whole hall, but right now half of it was blocked off by motorized folding doors. That was where we were hiding our little surprise. On the other side of the room was another set of those doors that opened into an entry way to the water park. They would open up later when the park was officially closed. Those doors and another set on the other side of the entry way must have been well sound-proofed because we couldn't hear anything.

Since this was an informal wedding, we didn't have a wedding party table with assigned seating. I never liked those anyway because the wedding party always sat together in a line like they'd stood up in the ceremony, and if you were married, the rest of your family got stuck out in the regular tables. Instead we had several round tables reserved for the wedding party and family or dates so everyone who came together could sit together.

We couldn't exactly make it rain indoors without setting off the fire sprinklers. And believe me; you do not want to do that. Jim's company is in life safety and even though he is on the electronics side of things, he'll tell you that that water is nasty! It's not like how it works in the movies at all! Don't believe me? Take a look at this bridesmaid from a wedding where the sprinklers accidentally activated.



However even without water, (for the time being), things started to get silly. However it was Kellie and Johnny who started up the planned antics along with Sherry. However, dinner was first. Being informal, it was comfort food from a big buffet with meatloaf, ham, fried chicken and stuff like that. That was a big hit with the kids who were there anyway over the fancy food you usually get served. Then it was the toasts. Despite the well-wishers being in costumes instead of suits and dresses, they were pretty much the usual fare.

The D.J. was a friend of Johnny's who was doing this just as a favor. He called for dancing before dessert. That was unusual, but it became obvious why once the dancing was over and it was time to serve cake. This was when I first realized that even though Kellie had entrusted us to ensure things stayed irreverent that she and Johnny had planned a few things of their own. We didn't have anything to do with the food or the cake, Kellie and Sherry handled all of that. When I saw the cake set up though, things looked vaguely familiar. They had a good size tiered cake with several smaller round cakes. Gee, I wonder where they got that idea! All of the cakes were covered in white whipped cream icing and had flowers in two shades of blue which were the wedding colors. The round cakes were both white and chocolate to suit everyone's taste. Here's where the fun started.

Kellie cut a small piece off the bottom tier of the main cake.

Close your eyes, honey! she said, ever so sweetly.

Johnny did and faced her. He folded his hands behind his back and bent slightly forward with his mouth open. Kellie winked at the guests and shoved the cake into his face. Johnny looked out at everyone. Most of the guests thought it was funny. Hey, it was billed as an irreverent wedding. What did anyone expect? However a few of those who didn't even wear costumes grumbled a little. They ain't seen nothin' yet!

Johnny wiped the cake down his face with one hand and let out a sigh, shaking his head. Kellie was hamming it up to the guests, curtseying, waving and blowing kisses, and not paying attention to the fact that Johnny stepped over to the table and picked up one of the round cakes. He grinned to the guests who started to laugh even harder as he sort of flipped the plate up and down. Meanwhile Kellie was still basking in the glory of caking her new husband. Johnny stepped up next to her.

Now there's always one at every wedding. It's usually the old aunt with the heavy southern draw yelling, Don't throw her in! when everyone else had already jumped in the pool and the wedding party has come for the bride to join them. From behind our table I heard one of Kellie's cousins yell, Watch out, Kellie! I didn't even have to look. We'd met at an open house for Extreme Bridal Video and she told me in no uncertain terms that women were above the childish antics we put them through in our videos. I suppose it never occurred to her that if those women didn't want to be in our videos performing childish antics, then they wouldn't pay us and we wouldn't have a business to have an open house with.

Anyway, Kellie's improvisational skills took over. She looked at her cousin, put her arms up in a Huh? or I don't know gesture and then pointed to her ear miming, I can't hear you, with her mouth. Her cousin never got another chance to warn her again before Johnny swung the cake around her roundhouse-style and plastered her but good! I couldn't hear if anyone grumbled over the uproarious laughter from the majority of people in the room who thought it was funny.

But it wasn't over yet. Johnny was taking his bows for what was indeed a win in the trash the bride department. I'd seen cake play at receptions, but not since mine has someone dared use a whole cake. Kellie dug the icing and cake from her eyes and tossed it to the floor. She let out a huff and it was her turn to go to the table unnoticed by her hubby. That was when Sherry got into the act. She shook her head disgustedly and stood up. Kellie picked up a cake and came back to Johnny and cocked it back to plaster him with. Sherry walked up next to Johnny, facing his side and said loudly, Now cut this out! Kellie tapped Johnny on the shoulder and he turned to face her and ducked. Kellie jammed her cake hard into the unsuspecting (yeah, right) Sherry's face.

Now I could tell by her reaction that she'd probably never had anything done to her like that before, but she took it in stride and didn't break character. Kellie started making Oh crap! gestures and Sherry picked up a cake. Johnny made an I'm getting' outta here! cartoonish exit from the table area while Kellie made apologetic gestures.

Sorry, Sherry! she said.

I'll show you sorry, Sherry replied, cocking back her cake. Kellie put both hands in front of her face. Sherry tapped on her hands and Kellie took them down. Then Sherry plastered her.

People were shrieking. Sides were hurting. Even some of the grumblers were starting to laugh. It was obvious at this point to anyone that this was all staged and that Kellie was having fun getting caked.

It was time for their grand finale. Johnny walked back over between them and started to laugh and point at both of them and making tisk, tisk, sounds with his tongue. Kellie and Sherry looked around him and nodded at each other. I saw this one a mile away. They each grabbed a cake and cocked it back. I had to hand it to them for their timing. Johnny saw them at the last second and ducked to let Kellie and Sherry deck each other with the cakes. I was sort of sorry she didn't ask me to help her with that one, but Sherry did a good job even for a beginning Stoogette. Johnny still ended up with some cake and icing in his hair, but he was not nearly as destroyed as his new wife and her Maid of Honor.

After that performance the cake was actually served for eating. Someone gave Kellie, Sherry and Johnny towels to wipe off with. Then Kellie tossed her bouquet. It was a close call between Sherry, Karen and the wet blanket cousin, but Sherry came out with it. I have no word as to whether or not she has anyone on deck in that department, but we're always looking for new business.

Next it was the garter tossand more silliness. Now Kellie had no stockings under that tea-length dress, but she wore a garter anyway. What wedding would be complete without one? She sat in a chair in the middle of the dance floor and extended her leg. Johnny grabbed the hem of her skirt and yanked it all the way up to show off part of her bright red boy shorts panties. Just like the cake fight, this caused most of the room to erupt in raucous laughter, especially when Kellie's over-acted movements to yank her skirt back down let everyone know that this too was something they'd planned. Johnny yanked the skirt back up and she yanked it back down. Over and over like a silent movie they mimed the same gag unspeaking until they channeled Bugs and Daffy in the classic Rabbit Season/Duck Season style. Johnny yanked her skirt up and then right back down and then Kellie grabbed it and yanked it up. The repeated that a few times. We are all cracking up by now. Through the tears I noticed a few wet blankets going ahead and leaving. Oh well. We lost a few at my wedding too once we made it known that if you were sticking around, you were getting wet.

Johnny yanked the dress back down another time. Kellie furrowed her brow and put her hands on her hips. She stood up and grabbed the hem of her skirt and yanked the entire thing up around her head, exposing all of her from the waist down, garter, panties and all. Sides were hurting again. She held the skirt up there concealing her head and I could see the tell-tale shaking of someone fighting to hold her laughter in. Johnny just looked at all of us, shrugged and pulled the garter down. Kellie dropped her skirt back down and sharply nodded at him. Don't worry. I have it on good authority that this will not be the last time we see her underwear.

I had no idea that the two of them were such natural clowns. They had joined in the fun at our house on the Fourth of July and Kellie had even come up with the mermaid bit. However they did this all on their own and held character with people cracking up and dying all around them. Kellie is definitely going to be in front of the camera during our next TTD video.

When she yanked up the skirt, I half expected her to just take it off, which would have been funny as hell but would have ruined everything we had planned for later. Sure, there were kids there, but they wouldn't have seen anymore than if they went down the hall into the water park. Believe me; we checked in early and took the girls that afternoon for a while. Some of those bikinis showed a lot more than Kellie's bra and panties.

Well this is where the real fun begins. What? We're at thirteen pages already? Good god, I do talk too much. I don't suppose you'd mind if this went to Countdown to Clutch Part 7 would you?

(Darcie appears to nervously fidget as the sounds of flexing aluminum pie plates is heard in the theater.)

Hey, guys! It's not as if I got off topic this time! This is just taking longer than I thought it would. I know there hasn't been much wet and messy yet other than our wet t-shirts early on and playing around with the cakes, but what do you say? You gonna give me a break?

(A pie flies from out of the scene and just misses Darcie's head by inches.)

I suppose not.

(Darcie looks down and sighs, resigned to her fate. She stands up from her story telling chair and faces her audience in her gold and black halter dress.)




(She rolls her eyes and grins at the audience before reaching behind her neck and untying the halter to let it fall and once again expose her lovely tits.)

Go for it, guys!

SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT!


(Credit to pievids.com for picture)

I hope you guys are happy. Thanks to you it's gonna be a cream diet for the next three weeks! Oh, who the hell am I kidding? I don't care! But I'd better go find my knee pads.

(She pauses and slides two fingers up between her tits scooping pie into them and sampling it. She quietly moans with an euphoric expression on her face.)

But first I'm gonna find my Mr. Chubby Extra! See you for the wild, wet and messy conclusion of Kellie' Big Day! I promise it gets messy from here!