The show starts and I walk onto the stage wearing my simple black dress with the high gloss wide belt and some black knee-high stiletto heel boots and acknowledge the audiences' warm welcome. I tell the crowd that today's episode has a beauty pageant theme. This seems a popular idea with everyone.

I welcome our first guest Oleg, who is a veteran manager of pageants in Russia. Oleg explains how while these competitions have become less popular in some countries they are still very popular in Russia and girls are keen to enter. I ask how the business has changed. Oleg explains that it is not all swimsuits these days there are hobby rounds, debates and the most popular are the cooking rounds. Oleg explains these sometimes 'get out of hand' and this is always a lot of fun! The audience are clear what this means and cheer. I shake my head in disapproval. Oleg says how I should enter, I am clearly flattered but say unconvincingly that I don't think I am really pretty enough. Oleg assures me I would be good and particularly in the cooking rounds! The crowd roar with laughter! I thank Oleg for his time and promise to consider entering his next pageant.

The next guest is Yulia who is an ex model and now an event manager for beauty pageants and she has come along to explain what goes in the shows, the clothes, the makeup, the laundry and the catering. Yulia comes on looking classy in simple white jeans and a sky-blue turtleneck.

Yulia sits herself down on the sofa and talks us through all the preparation and how she keeps the shows on the road. I ask her what is the most serious crisis she is likely to face at a pageant and what she can do to fix it. Yulia says that the new cooking rounds are a real problem! I ask why this is. Yulia says the amount of laundry, hair products and makeup needed after these rounds is a real problem as well as the time needed to clear up all the mess. The audience seem to think this is a price worth paying! Yulia does admit that it is quite funny seeing the beauty queens get the mess despite all the work it causes!

I ask Yulia if she was ever in a pageant. Yulia says she was but they were much simpler swimsuit driven events then, the whole thing is more complex now, and more messy!

I ask Yulia about catering for the pageants and she explains that it all needs to be low calorie stuff because the girls are so conscious of their figures. I say this must make it boring food but Yulia says she comes up with inventive dishes and of course for the after party there is plenty of normal celebration food.

Yulia says she has bought along some examples and the audience are very happy to hear this! A trolley is bought on with inventive low-calorie food and it's true there is lots of inventive food, smoothies, light moose and other things. We get up from our seats to look at the trolleys. I ask if some things are more popular than others. Yulia says of course and some things are always left, Yulia points to a punch bowl of what looks like pulped vegetables, a thick, lumpy green mixture. Yulia explains that is both incredibly healthy so always requested and not so very tasty so always left. I have to agree it does not look all that appealing, and so much of it, there must be 20 liters of the liquid!

The second trolley is the afterparty food which includes all manner of tasty deserts. I express surprise that even after the competition that this all gets eaten by beauty queens! Yulia points out that not all of it gets eaten, the winner usually ends up wearing a most of it! The crowd cheer this. I scowl at them in rebuke. I thank Yulia and say how impressed I am with her efforts to keep the show on the road. Yulia says it was a pleasure and says, with a laugh, she will leave the food behind for me to enjoy later! The crowd laugh at her implication that I will get splattered with the food later! This irritates me a bit; the assumption that I will always get humiliated with mess on the show.

I look at Yulia for a moment and then at the after-party trolley; there is a selection of four deep, large chocolate pudding pies with pink cream decoration. I then ask Yulia if she has ever been hit with one of her own pies? Yulia laughs and says of course not! This only happens between the contestants! Well I say it's always nice to try new things! Yulia laughs again not taking this at all seriously and says that this is an experience she does not need!

I pick up one of the chocolate pies. Yulia is still laughing and says I cannot be serious. I smile then slap the pie in Yulia's face! The crowd cheers! It is a lovely deep pie, some pudding splatters out onto Yulia's shoulders, a fair bit is pushed back into her blonde hair. I smear the pie down the front of Yulia's sweater before dropping the card base.

Yulia is not laughing now, she wipes her eyes but what she sees is me with the second of the pies! I push this pie in Yulia's face as well before smearing the pie up into her hair and patting it down on top of her head! The crowd laugh and applaud. I tell Yulia that these are great pies! She must be very proud of them.

Yulia has only a splutter in reply as I pick up the third pie! I rub this pie into Yulia's crotch, spreading chocolate pudding over the front of her hips and some way down the front of her thighs. Yulia still unsighted, turns away from this further indignity but this means she is turned away from the audience and bending forward a bit. I smile at the audience and point at Yulia's fine bottom in her tight white jeans, while holding the final pie. The audience scream their encouragement, urging me to let Yulia have it! I do not disappoint them, I slap the pie home on Yulia's bottom and rub it around coating and soaking her once white jeans in the sticky chocolate pudding!

While the crowd show their appreciation, I lead the messy and seemingly stunned Yulia off the stage. I am of course very happy to have pied Yulia and got away completely clean! I beam at the audience and wait for the applause to die down.