The show starts and I explain that is the keep fit special episode which is why I am wearing my favourite dance training outfit of lilac leotard, white leggings and ballet shoes. My hair is in a pony tail style to emphasis the exercise theme. I get a round of applause from the audience for my appearance.

Our first interview is with a fitness trainer to the stars who explains the latest fads in celebrity fitness; the clothes, the diets, the exercise, the gym food fights and more besides.

The second spot is with a nutritionist who has bought along a selection of the latest fad diet foods. There is a huge range of stuff from flavored shakes, ultra-healthy porridge, low calorie desserts and much more. We sample some of these commenting on which are the tastiest and not too diet tasting! There are one or two unruly suggestions from the crowd that I 'try' a whole dessert at once but I just ignore them with a haughty look.

The third guest is a famous dance trainer who I am very excited to meet and we go through a few moves together and it's clear that I have over estimated my ability and the crowd have a good time laughing at my attempts to keep up with her, including me stumbling about and at one point actually falling over on my bottom! I try to regain some dignity as I thank her at the end of the slot.

Once the trainer has gone I say how excited I am about my final guest who is not really famous but an old friend of mine who now works on the island of Cyprus as a fitness instructor for serious athletes and normal keep fit fans! I ask everyone to welcome Alyona Kats! Alyona comes on and if the crowd are disappointed that she is not very famous her stunning appearance in her red and white gym outfit with spotless white trainers generates considerable enthusiasm!

Alyona and I kiss each other warmly and get sat down to chat. Alyona talks confidently about her life on Cyprus as a personal trainer and how she enjoys it. I joke that she always loves telling people what to do! Alyona laughs to and says how she could get me in better shape to keep up with the dance trainer! I laugh with her on this but slightly tensely.

So I say that Alyona must be very fit. Alyona agrees at some length and stands up at one point so everyone can see what great shape she is in. If Alyona is wearing any underwear one cannot detect beneath the super smooth appearance of her red leggings and white gym top.

I ask Alyona if she has any difficult clients who she struggles with. Alyona seems a little reluctant to admit any difficulties but she does admit that some clients can be a bit tricky. I sense Alyona's discomfort so push a little for details. Alyona admits one of her most important clients has insisted on a particular incentive for any personal best he achieves. I ask what the incentive is as Alyona seems so reluctant to say. Alyona confesses that whenever he gets a personal best he gets to mess her up in some way or another.

I am delighted by this discovery and the audience also love this idea. I ask the slightly embarrassed Alyona what sort of thing he does to her. Alyona tries to make light of it saying it's usually just a pie in the face or some sticky mess put into her gym outfit. This causes loud cheers from the audience who like where this is going.

But Alyona returns to my lack of fitness and what I should be doing about it. I ask her if she has any suggestions. Alyona asks if I can do sit ups. I say maybe a few, Alyona asks to see, as she is not sure she believes I can. I sit down on the floor and with some effort start some sit ups. Alyona stands over me being critical of my technique.

I manage five sit ups and get up, Alyona says it's not very good, I agree but say it is a personal best! A lot of the crowd get where this is going and cheer me. I pick up a large bowl with about five litres of 'low fat, sugar free' semolina pudding. Only now does Alyona work out what is happening and stares at me in disbelief as I pull open the front of her red gym leggings nice and wide and pour the semolina down them! The audience love it! The uniform super saturated red of Alyona's leggings is ruined by the mess soaking through from the inside.

Alyona looks at her messy trousers and then surprisingly asks me if I can do push ups. I say I can and look at the audience and say I can feel a personal best in them coming on! The audience laugh. I lie down side onto the audience and Alyona asks me what my personal best is. I say 4! Alyona asks me to begin, my push ups are very slow, I manage the first one and push back up. As I start to come down Alyona puts a cream cake under my face and I come down right into it! The audience cheer! Alyona pushes my face into the cake a little deeper. I push up and out of the cake but the front half of my head is plastered in cream and sponge!

I cannot see so do not know Alyona has replaced the cake with a bowl of lime pudding so on my third push up my face goes down into this! The crowd are loving it! For my fourth push up my face goes into a deep cherry flan! On my fifth I find a chocolate cake for my face to go into! Alyona rubs my head deep into this. I manage to complete my fifth push up!

I stand up, most of my head is covered in a combination of all the mess, the audience laugh at me as mess drips down my front and I slowly wipe my eyes. Finally, when I can talk I say how messy those push ups were but it's still a personal best! Alyona just stares defiantly as I find a large jug of low fat chocolate custard sauce. I step up to Alyona and to loud applause, pull open her white top and empty the brown gloop over her boobs! The effect on Alyona's top is devastating, it becomes a wet slimy brown.

Alyona tells me toe touches are next, can I do any. I say I can! I turn sideways onto the audience and bend over keeping my legs straight. As I am coming back up from the first toe touch Alyona slaps a strawberry pudding pie on my bottom! The crowd howl with laughter. I get four more of these pies from Alyona as I do the five toe touches, mess covers me from lower back to almost my knees by the time it's over!

I turn back to Alyona and, of course, declare another personal best. This seems to surprise no-one and the crowd cheer me on as I put a huge bowl of super low-fat custard over Alyona's head to devastate her hair and leave custard streams all down her body. This is also very popular with the crowd.

Alyona patiently lifts the bowl off her head without comment and tells me how important it is too keep cool during exercise. Alyona then picks up a large three litre jug of chilled avocado and muesli smoothie, pulls open the front of my leotard and slowly, carefully pours all the smoothie down into it! This takes almost a minute and the crowd cheer the whole time! My leotard is a slimy green down its entire front.

I manage to say what fun it's been but we are out of time once more and must say goodbye. Alyona says goodbye to the crowd and I give her a push so she sits down on the coffee table and right in a low sugar, large chocolate cake! If Alyona's red gym leggings were not already ruined, they certainly are now! I turn to the audience to wish them farewell and hope that they will join next time. Meanwhile behind me Alyona gets up (and what a mess her bottom is!) and gets a pair of cream pies and sandwiches my head with them just as I finish. The crowd applaud loudly as the lights go down.