Terry and Rusty were two young twinks who lived together in LA and loved to gunge. They had a terrific time on the show Treasure Chest, where they played stooges in one episode along with my old pal Angus McNit, whom they befriended. The two thought of themselves as brilliant actors and screenwriters, like many other people in LA, having met at a screenwriting class at UCLA. Although they spent a lot more time working on their future Oscar-winning acceptance speeches than their current writing project, their meeting with Angus proved fruitful--they worked out a great scenario for a gunge session starring Mr. McNitt, where he only had one line, at the beginning, then he had to keep looking sorry and say over and over again, "Yes Dear" and "but Dear" to the two of them. When they called Angus to see if he was interested, not only did he accept, he was so enthusiastic that he promised to supply them with at least a dozen of his company's pies.

So on the appointed day they met at the two guys' apartment, the walls sheeted in plastic and the floor covered in tarps, with cheap plastic shelving for all the pies. And Angus brought a lot of pies, 14 to be exact, along with a large whipped cream cake that had HAPPY BIRTHDAY written on top. The guys had already explained the story to Angus, very simple really. He was to play a timid, henpecked husband who was married to a total bitch wife (played by Terry). He had unfortunately forgotten her birthday, so she demands that he stay at home while she attends a big party her girl friends are going to give her at a to-be-determined restaurant. But he sees an ad in the paper for the grand opening of a new restaurant called The Pie Place and says fuck it, I'm going.

His waiter at The Pie Place is played by Rusty, and first the waiter shows him a free perk the restaurant is experimenting with--every customer who orders a slice of pie for dessert also gets a canister of whipped cream if they want to add more to their slice of pie. So Angus is just finishing up his dinner, thoroughly satisfied and full, when he suddenly hears a familiar laugh, or screech, across the room that could only come from one woman--and there she is, his bitch wife with her girlfriends. At this point Angus had to deliver his only line in the sketch, as he leans over to the waiter: "Whoa, that's my wife over there--I've got to get out of here without her seeing me!"

Rusty, as the waiter, has a great suggestion: "Hey man, the restaurant is giving away a free pie to every customer tonight to take home. Take your pie and smash it in your face, that way she won't recognize you, and I'll help you get out the front door." So Angus nervously takes the pie, a lush and luscious banana cream, and carefully pushes it into his face, but as he thinks about how awful it's going to be if she catches him there, he pushes it in harder and harder until the custard and whipped cream completely engulf his physiognomy, hoping it might make him disappear completely. The waiter helps him stand up and they start to leave.

Just then they hear his wife saying, "Girls, I have to tinkle, but I'm going to take my free pie out to the car first so I don't forget it." And as she comes close to them, she accidentally trips and smashes the pie right in Angus's face! "Oh, I'm so sorry!" she says, "clumsy me. Let me get a waiter and help you clean up." She doesn't recognize Angus, but the waiter, completely on Angus's side, wants to help out and keep Angus's face well-hidden, so he grabs another banana cream pie, pretends to trip and smashes it right in Angus's face, grinding it in, rotating it around and around and leaving the pie tin stuck to his face. "Why you clumsy oaf!" says the wife, "you did that on purpose! How would you like it if someone did that to you?" She picks up another pie and hurls it at the waiter, but he ducks, and, just as the tin from the last pie slides off Angus's face, the new pie goes sailing through the air and lands SPLAT! in Angus's face, leaving a ring or "halo" of cream on the wall behind him. "Why you mother-f***er!" the wife screams out, picking up yet another pie and hurling it at the waiter again. But unfortunately the waiter ducks again and Angus doesn't move out of the way fast enough, and SPLAT! he gets another gooey faceful, which he massages into his shirt, hoping she won't recognize it all covered in pie.

"Oh, I'm so sorry sir," says the wife, still so angry at the waiter that she hasn't taken time to get a good look at this big strapping fellow getting all the pies. Then she sees a canister of some kind on a table and gets an idea. "Oh look, this must be a bottle of seltzer water--you just stand there sir, and I'll spray you with it and clean you off." "Don't do that!" the waiter shouts, "don't do that! It's not seltzer water, it's--" But he's too late, as she pulls on the nozzle and starts to spray Angus with---whipped cream! But she's not looking at him--she's arguing obstreperously with the waiter, who's trying to take the canister away from her, while the whipped cream is splattering all over Angus's face and chest. All of a sudden she looks over at him and realizes she's only made him worse, while the waiter meanwhile, still trying to help the poor hapless husband, grabs another pie and super-smears it in his face, displacing all the whipped cream so it falls on his shoulders and down onto his massive belly.

"Why you stupid fool!" exclaims the wife, "look what a big mess you've made! This poor man--he's got a big belly, just like my no-good husband, and he's...he's....WAIT A MINUTE!" She walks around him and has a shock of recognition--"I'd know those buns anywhere!" placing her hands on them to be sure. "What are you doing here you creep? I told you to stay home tonight, but instead I find you here, OUT CAROUSING! OK waiter, here's a one-hundred dollar bill--bring me your gooiest, stickiest, thickest, creamiest PIES! I'm gonna let him HAVE IT!"

"But dear--," Angus says, knowing that remonstrance is futile, as she picks up several busted pies on the floor and makes them into one big one, slamming it into his face mercilessly, saying "I'll show you..." And then the waiter re-appears with a cart that's just groaning with pies, easily a hundred dollars worth. "But dear--" is all Angus can get out before she hits him with the first pie off the cart, a French Silk masterpiece, that envelops his face in chocolate custard and whipped cream, falling onto his shoulders. "You bastard, I'm going to let you have it,"--as she slathers and slaps his belly with the goop. She follows that with two pies pushed onto opposite sides of his belly, which she holds onto and gradually slides up onto the opposite sides of his head, a classic pie sandwich. That leaves a relatively clean area in the middle of his belly, which she immediately fills with a coconut cream pie, again slowly sliding it up right into his face, then holding it there till he can hardly breathe. "That oughta teach you, you louse!" she says, "and here's another one just for fun"--she takes the next pie and smashes it into his crotch, and after she's completely coated him in front she shoves it behind into his ass, slathering away. Then, with only three pies left on the cart, she starts a final barrage--"Oh no dear, not THAT!" he yells--as she hits him with the pies harder and harder--splat, Splat! SPLAT!!--and then she starts picking up the creamy detritus off the floor and letting him have it with that.

But suddenly, over in another part of the room, people start singing Happy Birthday To You, and Angus, the wife, and the waiter all see the huge cake with HAPPY BIRTHDAY written on top, on a wheeled gurney rolling up to them. The other waiters are singing and so are all the wife's girl friends--hey, it IS her birthday after all. As soon as the gurney stops in front of them, the wife says, as bitchily as possible, "What? You call that little bitty thing a birthday cake? I want a lot more whipped cream on top of it!" And with that she picks up the canister of whipped cream and starts to enlarge the cake, saying to the waiter, and all the other customers standing around, "Well what are you just standing there for? Help me, let's make this a REALLY big cake!" "But dear--" says Angus, knowing he's really going to get it, as everybody who can find a canister of the complimentary whipped cream starts squirting it all over the cake--the wife meanwhile squirts it directly into Angus's face and belly, where it mounds up and falls PLOP! onto the floor. She immediately picks up the globs on the floor and adds them to the cake, which takes on truly monstrous proportions. "Help me you fool," the wife says to the waiter, and together they pick up the cake and moosh it into Angus's face, chest, and belly, turning it around and around and then up and down, between his face and his crotch, totally covering him as Terry and Rusty's cameras move in for a final shot of that hot Scotsman's creamy gooey bearded face.