My good friend Angus McNitt told me this story after we'd known each other a while. I had met him on UMD, and he was just my type--big (6'2",300 pounds), bearded and with a beautiful pot belly (I've always been very partial to guys with big guts.) Making him even more hot were his red hair and beard, his lovely, musical Scottish voice, and his unfailing sense of good humor. He had been a pie guy since he was "a wee lad" back in Scotland, but like me he never found any outlet for his fetish until the Internet came along in the late 90's. By then he had found his calling: star salesman for Fleer's Fluffy Pies and Creamy Cakes. He had originally started gunging with the company's products by himself, but he worked as a waiter in a restaurant in Edinburgh that had Fleer's pastries on the menu. He got to know the deliveryman for Fleer's, who allowed him to take home 3-day old pies that the restaurant couldn't sell. So that's how he became an expert on Fleer's pies, by being one of their best consumers, though his experience with the pies came from smashing them in his face, not eating them. He would sing the praises of Fleer's products to all his customers at the restaurant, which resulted in such high sales that the company soon came calling to find out why their wares were selling so well. From there his career took off, as he won sales contest after sales contest, the company moving him first to London, then to Chicago. So he won the company's world-wide contest for Top Salesman in 2003, and the prize was a one-week stay at a cabin the company maintained for its big shots in the remote Wisconsin woods. He was looking forward to it greatly as he drove up, the car filled with 2 dozen pies, although he was a little worried about something Junior Fleer had let slip out, that "it's so remote up there, there might still be bears in the woods up there." But he forgot all about that as soon as he saw the interior of the cabin--it was a perfect set-up for self-gunging--a large fully-modern bathroom, despite the rusticity of the surrounding forest. So he started lugging in all the pies from the car into the bathroom, noticing that the cabin was fully modernized, it was still so remote there wasn't even a TV, just a radio, which he switched on. As he was outside getting the last couple of pies, an announcer came on saying, "Attention all listeners! A dancing bear named Marco has escaped from a local circus and is roaming the countryside. It is a black bear and was last seen wearing a little birthday hat on top of its head. This animal is very sensitive to music. If it hears music it will become very docile and even start to dance. But if there is no music, call 911 immediately!" Well, Angus unfortunately did not hear this important warning, so you can imagine how he felt after bringing in the last of the pies, when suddenly he had a strange feeling he wasn't alone....and there, in the kitchen, was a big black bear! The bear was sniffing something in the air--it must have been the sweet pies. It started to amble on over to Angus in the bathroom, but it was too late for him to run, so he did the next best thing, what he did best: he picked up a pie and started describing it, as if he was selling it, his spiel. "Aye lad, just look at this lovely number--heavy sweet English custard topped with our whipped cream from Madagascar, encased in a flaky crust that melts in your mouth. You must try a bite!" And with that he held out the pie to the bear, who at first looked quizzically at it, then took it in its hands, smelling it and licking it, polishing the whole thing off in ten seconds. So Angus immediately repeated his spiel with another pie, but this time the bear, now no longer hungry, took it, weighed it in its hands, smelled it, came over and smelled Angus (whoa!!)....then pushed the pie into his face. The whipped cream and custard fell slowly down onto his chest and magnificent belly, and the bear put its paws on his belly, with surprising gentleness, and slathered it around. Angus got an idea--"Do it again!" he cried, holding out another pie for the bear, which obliged him by smooshing the pie all over his head. Angus was still really surprised that the bear wasn't hurting him, and why did it have that silly-looking hat on top of its head? But he thought the only way he'd ever get out of this alive was to keep the pies coming. All of a sudden, music started to come out of the radio, and the bear suddenly put the pie down and began to.....dance? Well, it sort of looked like that. Angus was totally astonished, even more so when the bear picked up the pie again but shoved it into its own face! Even crazier, the bear made this strange sound that was like....laughter? So, as a good will gesture, Angus picked up the next pie and pushed it into his own face, rotating it deeply around and around, letting the custard and cream fall sloppily over his big Scottish body. The bear kept on making the laughter-like sounds, hitting Angus in the face with another pie, smearing it all over his capacious belly. So now Angus was starting to lose his fear of this beast, a little, so he cautiously held up a pie in front of the bear, who was still "laughing" and starting to do little jig-like steps...and he gently pushed the pie in the bear's face, who took it like a man--er, bear. So now Angus thought he'd share with his new friend. He took two empty pie tins off the floor, placing one in front of each of them. Then he scooped up some gunge off the floor and filled one of tins, motioning for the bear to do the same. The bear didn't get it at first--it scooped up a huge double-handful of custard and cream and plopped it all over Angus' head. Angus laughed that laugh that could charm birds from the trees, and repeated showing how to fill the tin. This time the bear did it right, so Angus then picked up his pie while putting the other pie in the bear's hands, staring at him, encouraging the bear to hit each other with their pies. The bear figured it out instantly, and there was a huge explosion of goop as the two bears--one male, the other animal--slammed their pies in each others' faces. So now both of them were laughing, definitely laughing, when suddenly the announcer came on the radio: "This is station WOOD, tops in music in the woods, signing off for tonight. And folks, if you see that dancing bear on the loose, don't forget to call 911!" Angus was thinking, "Dancing bear? Hey, what happened to the music?" And suddenly he noticed that the bear was growling, getting surly. It picked up a pie in each hand and Angus felt the stuff hit him in his face and belly, rather hard. He couldn't get all the pie out of eyes in time, before another one hit him--splat!--then another--splat!. Then more--Splat! SPLAT!! And then it suddenly stopped, and the bear was gone--along with all the remaining pastry. Angus looked outside and could see that crazy animal feasting on the pies under a tree, occasionally hitting himself with one in his face. "No one will ever believe this one," thought Angus.