Hi everyone,
It's actually me,Jessie
Hope you remember me
It's exactly a year since my long term illness took a serious turn for the worst and left me unable to not just get messy, but unable to work, look after my family or even myself.
I nearly died a year ago tonight and several times more over the next two months. It was the scariest time of my life and at times I honestly didn't know if I would make it through to the other side.
The person you know on here as MJD,my best friend Mike actually took a chance based on his instincts during a phone call (which actually was about his beautiful dog dying two days earlier) and saved my life that night.
Since then I have made tremendous steps forward in my recovery. I have come further than I ever thought possible.
Going back to that night though I was dying and had reached a stage where I couldn't move my head off the pillow.
I didn't understand then why I was ill.
Mike knew of my eating disorder and had previously tried to help me but I'd pushed him away.
However he was googling as we spoke that night and realised I was close to heart and organ failure.
Totally against my wishes I was taken to hospital and so started Mike's battle to get me well.
I can't emphasise enough the fight he had decided to take on.
Basically I was in denial about an illness I'd had since I was 7,a combination of body dysmorphia and anxiety that led to the worst type of eating disorder,Anorexia AND then Bulimia from my late teens.
My family had never really understood the illness,and I tried to hide it as much as possible plus the doctors and well everyone really had become tired of me and didn't think I could be helped.
So what Mike did,despite living 5 hours away was take on the doctors,the hospitals,my family and worst of all ME!
It was overwhelming for me and I put up massive barriers to his help.
As time went on though I realised he was effective and fearless although I resented him.
He was funny,caring and loyal but he was exposing all my dark secrets to the medical profession,my family and even to you on here.
I really gave him a hard time but he used to say 'I promised you we'll beat this illness no matter what,and this is what we need to do".
He would fearlessly stick up to family members and hospital staff etc who really didn't want to know about my problems and after getting me a bed,or getting me access to a shower or in fact anything I complained about he would sort out.
I would then still push him away.
I'm ashamed to say for a few months he had to stay in a hotel not my home.
By now I was about to lose my house and my Mum was keen for me to move to her house which would have been a nightmare for me.
Again Mike stepped in and paid for me to keep my house,my kids and pay my bills and get me financial help I was too ashamed to get for myself.
I had a massive hang up too about WHY was Mike helping me.
It made no sense that someone would be so kind to me.
As Christmas came Mike bought me and the kids a lot of lovely things.
It pushed me over the edge and I couldn't actually deal with the kindness and had a nervous breakdown leading to me being taken inpatient for a month.
Again during this time I pushed Mike away and we nearly fell out for good.
I can't believe now I was so ill to have needed inpatient care,accompanied all the time and I mean ALL the time.
Some of you here were being wonderful and maintained contact with Mike who tried to pass on your kind messages to me.
He was also trying to keep you abreast of my situation,maintain my site etc but to be honest I genuinely didn't think I would be returning to it EVER!
He encouraged me to be honest about what upset me and what I liked about the WAM work.
I became disillusioned that aspects I never wanted to do were out there and that,having been paid for such work my feelings weren't important to many people,only the money side of things.
I'll always hated the 'business' side of the work and just enjoyed getting messy for the fun of it.
It's not a sexual thing to me,just fun.
Anyway I slowly started to realise whenever progress was made it was because of Mike and I started to work with him regarding my illness and he said he'd look at the business too.
He encouraged me to continue with it again one day and also got me back into getting messy just for fun with some surprise pies and then some 'pretend' filming!
I am so glad Mike stuck by me and helped me to see how brilliant getting messy is!
He would always say he had complete belief and faith in me that I could beat the illness and return to work.
He also gave me the option of working doing something (for example becoming a chef or a writer).
I really do owe this man my life.
With his vast knowledge of seemingly everything he was able to challenge me in a way that I had never been challenged before.
One day it suddenly clicked in my head how Mike was approaching all the problems and coupled with DBT therapy I changed the way I thought.
It was never easy for either of us, in fact it was fucking horrendous at times but his persistence has really paid off!
It's not just the health side of things either. MJD has helped me to stay in my house, helped sort out many financial and personal problems that were making my illness worse and been selflessly kind to my family.
All the while having infinite patience with me.
So I'd like to say a huge thank you to the incredibly generous, kind, thoughtful, hilarious, heroic Mike!!
Without you, I wouldn't be here.
Thanks to you Mike, for sticking by me through it all and thanks to everyone here who has continued to provide support over the last year.
I want you to wake up and see this in the morning and be totally embarrassed by it.
I love you to bits.
I also have to say as Mike has dealt with all my problems,and tried to keep the WAM world informed he has taken some totally unjustified stick and had some lies spread from certain people on UMD which was totally unfair and in fact slowed down my recovery and caused me a lot of distress.
He laughed about it but I know inside he must have felt hurt at the injustice of it all.
So for the record EVERY time he posted about me on UMD I knew about it and sent copies although I have to confess I didn't always read them.
So back to my health.
Well I'm still not 100% but I have managed to stay out of hospital for the longest time in years,I'm in a the best place mentally I have ever been and I'm slowly trying to physically recover from the years of abuse my body has taken.
Incredibly to me,I am finding happiness each week and the time I spend with Mike is just amazing.
We always have fun.
My kids are having a better time with me too and they are my life.
As I write this I'm ill with flu in bed but I couldn't let this anniversary of the start of my recovery pass.
Back to UMD and Messy Jessie I will slowly be trying to answer all outstanding queries.
As Mike has said before I won't be getting nude and I HATE references to my being topless (not sure why anyone would do so when they know how it makes me feel so please respect this).
The good news is I am going to try and work a day a week on the site,either doing admin or filming or a session.
Mike is now my business partner and will keep me safe.
Sorry for the epic tale but I suppose after a year you deserve to know what's been going on.
The bad news is the site needs a fair bit of work fixing broken links etc but I have someone else helping with that now.
We will be offering new content and also some bundles soon.
We've filmed some new stuff with just me,some with MJD,some with my sister Erica and some with my best friend Cherry.
The big news is we have a new girl,Daisy with a couple more new girls on the way!
So look out for the new content there.
We are going to be doing more bondage material as I've discovered I quite like being tied up when done properly and we have a lot of new plot idea's.
We may look to have sponsors for certain plots due to the costs involved as some are quite ambitious plots.
Customs/sessions etc will happen again so get in touch and enquire.
Prices will take into account my prep time,cleaning up etc and I see I have a backlog of enquiries so I'll try and get through them.
So thanks to everybody who sent messages or sent support and esp to the producers like Hot Wam and Rev who donated some of their sales.
Talking of which the Rev and Mike had a great idea re. making a Messy Jessie archive for me to have a record of all my work and Rev has sent over all my films I did for him so I'll be contacting anyone I worked for to see if I have a download/CD of my work.
I want to be proud of what I've dome as opposed to ashamed and a 'library of work' seems a great idea.
In addition I'm recovering old films I've made for Messy Jessie that have long been deleted and I'll be relaunching 'Vintage Jessie' in bundles.
So please go easy on me as I return as I only have so much energy a day but I am back...sort of!
Here's some photo's of me now and of what me and Mike have been up to.
Thanks for all the support and I hope you all start buying vids again from me (there are over 500 on the site by the way!!)

It's great to have you back, Jesse. You look more adorable than ever in these new pics!

Welcome back! I am happy to see the progress you've made. MJD really did a great job of keeping us up to date with your progress, with your good days and some of the bad. I am glad that you are going to be doing videos again. I am interested to see how the bondage will turn out. Your body is yours and you need to make the choices with it that feel right for you. If people don't like it, they can sod off. Most importantly is that you are doing better.

Glad you are back and doing so much better. I hope you feel better from you current illness soon. Kudos to the help, kindness, and humanity that Mike brought to you.

Your road to recovery is incredible! You are so lucky to have a wonderful friend like Mike that would not give up. I am so happy to hear how well you are recovering and are continuing to recover. I know we all missed you and if there is anything you need never be afraid to ask us here, you have been one of the biggest and greatest members of this community.

I look forward to seeing you enjoy getting messy again! Your joy in the videos is what helped me realize how much fun WAM is so I personally thank you.

Let me know if there is anything I can do to help and like I said welcome back!! Good luck with continuing to recover, you are strong and can fight through anything!

It is wonderful to have you back Jessie, and most of all great to hear that you are recovering and continuing to get better and stronger. Very best wishes to you.

So glad to hear that you are doing better! I think it"s great that you have such an amazing friend looking after you. Love the new pics, you're looking gorgeous as always!

It's great to hear you're doing well. Hope you get over the flu.

Wonderful pics Jessica!

I echo all the comments so far and wish you a full recovery. As for doing it for fun, I think that is the most important part. Everything I do is primarily for me but I put it on my website in case others like to watch. In your case it is obviously going to be a primary income but it must still remain something you want to do. Personally I love clothed bondage WAM so you hit all the right notes for me.
Good luck in the future and keep a tight hold on Mike, your saviour.

Wonderful to see you back Jessie. We've missed you - the photos are great and I'm looking forward to seeing the new material. Respect too to MJD for helping you out, you make a great team. Take care.

I know hearing it from other people doesn't really put a dent in a real eating disorder, but you are a really lovely lady, and shouldn't starve yourself. I'm sure you will look phenomenal after getting back to more normalized, healthy eating.

This is wonderful news

How fantastic it is to have you back Jessie.

Good to hear from you! You have been missed!

This has made my day.
Mike.You are the MAN! A complete legend,if anyone deserves an award it's you.
Total respect and a big well played sir.
Jessie so pleased to see your getting better,it's not quite been the same since you've been gone.
Stay strong and get messy.xxx

Really good to hear from you Jessie! You've been missed by everyone! I am glad to hear things are looking brighter!

Excellent news.

Jess... this news pleases me that you are still about. Your status as a legend of this community remains unchallenged...and one of the nicest, funny and hilarious models I have ever worked with.

If its anything that my own personal tribulations with the black dog and anxiety have told me, that if you are going through hell, keep on going and don't stop at the gift shop

In MJD you have a good loyal friend. A crutch. A shoulder to cry on. You sir have gone over and above the call of duty. MM can we give him a special status... like a UMD knighthood or something???

Keep going on the road to recovery... don't over do it...baby steps rather than elephant ones.

It's good to have you back...

Welcome back!

^____^

I'm glad you're feeling better.

Blimey Snug!
That's a long post for you but thanks for putting it out there how you are doing....saves me a job!
Although it's totally true I have been heroic and utterly awesome (ha!ha!ha!) and I'm happy to milk your lovely words your post doesn't actually say just how brilliantly YOU have done.
You have grown immensely as a person,a friend,a business partner and a mother and the way you have taken to positive thinking and applying your DBT therapy is astonishing.
You deserve public credit for trusting in me despite your huge doubts and the complete bullshit spread by some people from UMD.
However I am glad you haven't grown in height and are still a tiny little custard loving squirrel and I'm glad you like your new shampoo as this photo shows.
Love you Snug!

Wow, thank you for sharing all that with us, not many people are willing to be so open, well done you. And it sounds like we all owe MJD a huge debt of gratitude for helping you through things. So well done him too! Really glad to hear you're on the mend now. Glad to hear you'll only be doing what you're happy with too, it's all too easily to get pushed past boundaries, either by someone else or even by yourself in the pursuit of sales, so it's important to stay where you're happiest and just have fun.

Good luck and welcome back! *offers gentle hug*

Welcome back jessie
This is great news i am so pleased for you.
Mike (mjd) sounds like a great friend to have.
Love the new pics
Welcome back again and best wishes to you both.

Great to see you back Jessie looking as beautiful as ever. & A massive thanks to Mike for everything he has done to get you back where you are today. Look forward to the future & your new Messy Jessie site Big Hugs xx

Hurrah!

It's so good to see you back here, and sounding so positive too. There's nobody else quite like you in the WAM world and, well, it's great to see you again.

Fantastic news Jessie, great to see you back and well.

Wonderful news Jessie!

Welcome back beautiful.i hope to see some messy jeans.

Thank you for posting such a comprehensive summary of everything you have been through. People like Mike are few and far between in today's world, so thank you Mike too for caring for Jessie.

A messy session with you is still on my bucket (of gunge down the pants) list so I look forward to hearing when you are going to be doing them again so I can take the trip up to Worcester.

Take care for now and hope to hear more from you soon, x

Fab to see you back Jessie! x

That's tremendous news, whilst never having gone through anything like what you have - I do know something re mental issues causing illness so it's great to hear your positivity and you have a great friend helping you along. This whole WAM world has many different elements and just because 1 or 2 may look for the 'topless angle's there will be those who prefer the fun side (Tbh I m probably one!) But nobody should be critical either way.
Wishing nothing but good luck going forward

Jessie!

Not only is it good to hear from you, it's absolutely wonderful to hear news as good as this. It felt a little guilty not to be able to do much, but it sounds like Mike was a total superstar. I'm so happy that you've recovered to the extent that you have.