Not really, but I've wanted to get this out there for a while now.

Just to introduce myself quick, I've been a fan of the community here for quite a few years under one or two names, mostly residing in the messy or male forums (particularly for the co-ed stuff, though certainly not exclusively). I've bought a couple of great videos, and taken a lot of comfort in how funny, friendly and supportive the WAM community often is.

It's just, and this is painful admission time of the kind that will end up on a .txt Twitter in the future, that sometimes I think WAM gets me down. I'm in my early twenties now, and for a few reasons I've never had a close relationship. Sometimes it feels lonely, unhealthy even, to continue on with it, but I also can't really shake it as it's something I've been "into" for a long time. It can really aggravate depression, even though it also makes me happy.

I'm not really sure of what point I'm trying to make. I suppose I'd just like to ask for any advice you might have, or any similar experience stories you'd like to share. No need to be uber serious or anything. :splat: I'll welcome and read all responses.

Hi

Im 32 at the minute but i would say that from the age of 15 to 26 ish i became a virtual hermit for fear of being discovered and that got pretty depressing but i ended up having a kind of mid life crisis and decided to do something about it. i started socialising in the general fetish community in my area and made a few freinds and met my current fiance who doesnt mind getting messy sometimes i still have confidence issues and i have a lack of social skills that i missed out on developing but on the whole my lifes pretty good now and it started to change when i decided to accept who i was and enjoy it and that doesnt necessarily mean telling everyone but finding some freinds that you can be yourself with

Uber? Are we out of English already? Scheiße!

I concede that WAM can put you into a lonely hangout with yourself. You imagine, as I did, that you are unique in this regard. No one would dare put mud on themselves just for pleasure. I mean, to enjoy sensuality in any guise - watching or participating - would have to make one absolutely stark raving mad and a danger to all.

The Internet, around 1995, changed all of this for me when I discovered the startling, nearly impossible existence of Messyfun. Now I think it's just a matter of people admitting to various degrees of polymorphous perversity. It's simply human (even mammalian) to like substances. What, then, are we doing with these large brains and nerve endings?

Luckily, we have this in common with other bright animals. Elephants love WAM, as do dogs and horses. Spiders - not so much.

Let's just be glad there some place (or many places) to get at least something to satisfy the mind and body, on-line. I do think it shows just how we've managed to separate ourselves from what we need, in real time, and real reality.

I've had two main worries about WAM. The first was several years back when I thought that enjoying it meant there was something 'wrong' with me, that I should be ashamed and try to get rid of it. It was mainly the UMD that helped me shake that one off, and I'm much happier now I've accepted that it's OK! It doesn't sound like you're in that situation exactly, but this site serves as a great reminder for those of us who need reassuring every now and then.

The second fear developed later - was I only aroused by WAM, and would it stop me from enjoying a relationship that didn't have a WAM element to it? I very rarely look at regular porn, only fetish material, and was worried that this meant I'd have no desire for anything else. I'm still working through this one, although I'm happy to report that I don't seem to need WAM for arousal, my girlfriend has other ways of achieving that But I do have some other worries and performance anxieties which, while not directly related to WAM, are holding me back on the physical side somewhat.

I think that's what we both need to work out - how much of our relationship worries are due to WAM, and how much to other factors?

If WAM worries you because part of you still thinks it's 'wrong' somehow, then as i_like_pie said the solution is to become more accepting of yourself. Hanging out on here, talking to fellow enthusiasts and - this was the big one for me - having the courage to tell close friends and partners and see that they don't react with horror are all good steps for this.

If the problem is that you would rather be doing WAM than 'plain' sex then this is more tricky. It is possible, but very difficult, to find someone with a similar WAM enthusiasm who would engage in it as often as you do, but this should never be the expectation as it's pretty rare. This is a last resort option. Successful relationships are generally built on the emotional connection and basic sexual attraction, with kink/fetish aspects added on top, not the other way round.

if you feel that WAM may be holding you back in this way, try more exposure to non-fetish porn etc. It is possible to recondition what turns you on to a certain extent, I'm still working on this but have been reassured recently that I can enjoy other types of material. Hopefully this will lead to more confidence in non-WAM situations.

The key here is to work out what role WAM plays in all this. You say that 'for a few reasons' you've never had a close relationship. If those reasons aren't anything to do with WAM, then WAM is not your problem so you shouldn't have to feel guilty or depressed about going back to it. Instead if you can address those problems and feel comfortable in your WAM identity, then you stand a much better chance of having a fulfilling relationship which you feel comfortable bringing WAM into as and when it suits. However if WAM is one of the things holding you back then this will need to be addressed before you can move forward.

I hope this helps, I'm guessing a bit about your situation but it feels like there could be similarities to mine.

Hmmm, from 17 to when I got married, I told all my many girlfriends about it, and not a single one of them refused to participate! It isn't that weird. Try to find out what their kinks are. They are often much weirder, and if you're game for that, there's no reason they'll judge you. As for friends, there's no reason it really needs to come up, right?

@OP: I hear you. I'm 32. I haven't had any sexual contact with a woman since I was in my late 20's.

On a day to day level, I'm fine with that. I like having women as friends, and I don't like drama. But on a meta- level, I'm worried about what that lack of sexual contact says about me.

Depression has played a major role in my life, and being on anti-depressants complicates my sex drive. I've had several relationships with women, but they never last more than three months.

I can only speculate why. Some reasons are not obviously fetish-related: e.g., none of these relationships were initiated by me, which might be one reason why I lose interest. Some are fetish-related: e.g., I despise shared drama and hence look for comedy in the bedroom (probably to offset the fact that my inner life mostly involves brooding).

HOORAY FOR PSYCHOLOGY

Could be time for a little help, a little gentle therapy.

I'll bet that the endorphin addiction is a way of crutch for something you will need to confront sooner or later.

Seeing a therapist is nothing to be ashamed of for any reason. Been there, done that. You need to be happy. Only got one life.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I've read them all in full and appreciated each one.




That's okay, I think you're bang on the money with a lot of this. I don't really think it's bad to be into WAM or anything, just that it worries me to get so involved to the point that it consumes my entire sex life, and I think that's linked to problems like depression and other mental disorders. I know by experience that there's no easy solution for any of this, though it's comforting - if you'll pardon the slightly questionable wording - to see others voicing similar suspicions.

As an aside, I can't really talk about experience in relationships as I've never really had one. The closest I've had is with someone online thousands of miles away, which for me was nice until I wanted more. For anything else, to be brutally honest, I just don't like leaving the house. I love the work I do at home, and this has been a big thing to get back into since some of my lowest points, but I feel like I've stalled a bit on the next stage of meeting people... I was worried that the fetish stuff was overtaking that (it's not just WAM, but WAM is probably my "favourite" for reasons mentioned in my OP... no need to worry, none of the others are socially wrong or legal taboos).







Thanks for sharing these thoughts, both of you. I wonder what effect medications like anti-depressants have had on my sex life, now that you've mentioned it. I've been in and out of therapy quite a few times now, was actually quite relieved that I made a good deal of progress since the last time, but perhaps it is time to see about getting back in touch to root out some of those reasons irrefutable clocks mentioned.

I fear that another worry then is to work something out and talk to my parents about it, which just isn't easy for me. I know I'm digging deeper into everyone's personal wells now, but I'd appreciate any related advice to this... or anything else really, thank you for the posts so far, I'll read anything anyone has to say.

Your post caused me to think a lot about this last night. I experienced quite a lot of panic attacks during my last relationship, which is what resulted in it coming to an end. But I also know that I'm on a high dose of an SSRI. I occurred to me that there's an outside chance that I was experiencing a mild sort of serotonin syndrome, as the idea of having a needy sexual partner somehow affected my system at a physiological level.

That might be nonsense, of course. But if it were true it would put quite a lot in perspective. And none of it would be directly attributable to WAM as a fetish (though it might very well be attributable to the possession of a fetish per se, or attributable to some other third variable).




First and foremost, consult your doctor. Raise your worries then see what they say.

You mention you have other fetishes as well but wam is the favourite, this is true for me as well including bdsm and crossdressing (that one really freaked me out) but again not sure where you live but if you want to find open minded people to make friends with I'm sure there'll be a fetish community around you somewhere like a munch or something and people like that are generally more open minded even if your not exactly the same and you can just be yourself around them and not have to worry about them finding out your secret or anything it worked for me anyhow there's no reason you cant have friends and fun in a fetish environment it doesn't always have to be sexual