Drop your puns/jokes here. I'll start.

I just realised I have a superpower. I can cut wood by just looking at it. I saw it with my own two eyes.

When your phone's autocorrect changes "fuck" to "duck" that's OK, because it's still fowl language.

2 crisp taking a stroll down the road car pulls up next to them and says would u like a lift the crisp turn round to the driver and aay we are ok wear Walkers

I have plenty more lol

Whats bob marleys favouruite donuts

Ones with Jam in

Guys runs into a pet shop puts a bomb on the counter and yells got 20 seconds to get out before it explodes.

You hear a turtle in the back room yell u c**t

Police officer arrests 2 guys 1 for eating batteries the other for eating fireworks

He charged 1 and let the other one off

my sheep's favourite singer is Britney Shears.

Pencils could be made with erasers at each end, but what would be the point?

what's a shark's fav bible story ? Noah's shark.

You can lead a horse to water - but a pencil must be lead!

My mate got a job in the music industry as an audio tech guy. They've got this new system where they only hire Eastern European applicants.

He's aScandinavian, but there's a Czech one too!

On my walk by the canal the other day I saw a lot of Irises in flower on the bank. I thought "Should I pick a few to make an Iris stew?".
When I told this to a policeman friend he said "For a pun like that, Irish stew in the name of the law".

If you think a snail would go faster if it didn't have to carry its shell around, you'd be wrong.

It'd just become more sluggish.

Gut pulls up to a party the host goes u do realise this is a fancy dress party right guy says yes ive comes as a turtle host says how the hell is that a turtle its just u in speedos with a naked woman on your back guy turns round a goes thats not a naked woman thats Michelle.

I like funny malapropisms and Hylda Baker was the Queen of British comedy using her malapropisms, such as:

"I can say that without fear of contraception.
"You haven't had the pleasure of me yet have you?."
"I'll inhale that remark"
"You'll become a couple of alcohofrolics"
"This is a fine hysterical building, kept up by the National Truss"
"I've had lessons in electricution, you know"
"What are you incinerating?"

Benny Hill often used malapropisms too, referring to youths as "jubilant delinquents" and referring to his favorite tv show as "Randall and Hopkirk - Diseased".

Also I like unintentionally funny lines by people who mangle their sentences, and Polish American bandleader Lawrence Welk would often mangle his words and he was known for his "Welkisms", such as these things he said on his live tv shows ...

To the accordionist:
"You go over there and play the accordion. I'll stay here and beat off the band."

"There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them."

Introducing a guest performer:
"His act may start slow, but it tapers off."

When an audience was not responding with generous applause:
"I see we have a few sour pussies in the group tonight."

To the band, just before going on the air:
"Boys, look like you're having fun, but don't have any."

"I just had an idea that went right over my head."

To a performer who apologized for being late and said he had no excuse:
"That's no excuse."

"I'm keeping perfect time. I'll get my barometer (metronome) and prove it."

"That's what really broke the camel's straw."

After a jet plane flew over the disrupted rehearsal:
"You know, those jet planes make masonic booms."

Inviting the Wisconsin Cheese Queen to come up on stage and dance:
"Come up here and let us see you cut the cheese."

and my personal favorite Welkism said on live TV

Asking the guitarist to accompany a guest vocalist:
"Get behind her over here, and give her a nice feel."


...anna one ...anna two

Q: What's yellow and dangerous?

A: Shark-infested custard.


Q: What's green, has eight legs, and is liable to kill you if it falls out of a tree and lands on you?

A: A snooker table.

Why did the former network admin get fired from his job as a McDonald's cashier?

When a customer ordered a Big Mac, he handed him a receipt with FF:FF:FF:FF:FF:FF written on it.

Definitions: -

Love: a fellow feeling.
Jealousy: another fellow feeling
Prostitute: a pubic convenience
Sex outside marriage: unbridaled lust.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

There's a distressing movie about farm equipment. It was harrowing.

Among a small group of 2 or 3 going into an elevator, two more enter the elevator with us and one of them mention they have a situation and rushing back to their room.

I said something along the lines of like "sounds like a messy situation"

They say yeah something like that

I'm trying not to laugh at this point then they reach their floor and exit.

This did happen for real but for the life of me swear I cannot which ones of you were with me there, it could have been The MessMaster and MissMesses or a group among Darla or others but I'm drawing a blank on who else was present for that, can probably thank the booze for that

True story and happened back during our Vegas week.

The bathing beauty was stunned when she developed alopecia; she bawled.

I went to the tailor to get a suit made. He took a long time - I guess he ain't no Tailor Swift.

Water and Mud once took each other to court. They settled.

Why did the bicycle fall over in the mud? Because it was two-tired!

Mud is the ultimate minimalist accessory. It sticks to you wherever you go!

Nessie

I saw this picture this morning on Instagram and it made me laugh. Does this count???

There were three male sheep in a kitchen, identified as A, B, and C.

A newly started apprentice chef puts a pumpkin on the first sheep. Nothing happens.

She takes it off and puts it on the second sheep. Still nothing happens.

Now she places the pumpkin on the third sheep, and there's an absolute explosion of ranting and swearing and barking of orders.

Because that's what happens when you put a gourd on ram-C in a kitchen.

Q: Which member of an orchestra is most at risk during a thunderstorm?

A: The conductor.

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He's a Singer/songwriter... or sew it seams.