Do women and men have completely different approach to the morals of meeting people when the intend to get messy when in a relationship ( even married)
Most women seem to not agree with men playing away with out consent but are happy to play away if their partner knows about it.
I get the feeling that blokes wouldn't mind if the woman was playing away with or without consent.
I seems daft that morality gets in the way even in sexual fetishes
ie it should be easy to meet up just to get messy without worrying about any relationship problems. Umd is a wet and messy site not a dating site.
Rant over.

I don't know that it's about morality as such, more about inclination. I'm a man who is inclined towards monogamy and I'm in a marriage which seems to be working OK for both of us. I don't judge anyone who does the poly or open relationship thing (I have a few poly friends) but I don't feel it's for me.
I'd only consider meeting someone outside of my relationship to get messy if we'd got our expectations straight beforehand (i.e. having fun getting muddy/messy but not doing overt sexual stuff), and I'd probably be more likely to do a small group get-together than one to one as that would feel less awkward. I'd also be straight-up with my wife about it and would hope she'd do the same about any of her particular kinks.

Yeah isn't it shitty that morals and consent get in the way of people getting to do whatever they want?

Straight men who claim it's not a sexual thing need to ask them self, would you do it with another guy or are you a hypocrite?

On the subject of you're wife not minding or whatever, would you mind if your wife met a man online and decided to meet for coffee? Seems such a small thing but you'd want to at least know right?

OK, my take.

1: these are different things. No one likes to be cheated on. If a partner knows about it then it's either consensual or they have been caught and it's up to them what happens in their relationship.

2. If I found out the woman I was meeting was cheating, then I would have words. While it is her decision to cheat, I would still feel shitty about it.

3. Not sure what you mean, morality getting in the way? That's a good thing, right?

4. Meeting up to get messy but no sex could still be a sexual act as this is a fetish. Thus partners might feel bad that the other is getting off with someone else, even if there is no touching.

5. It's both, there is a personals and a meet up section.

It really puts a damper on my social life.Signed,Regis

I don't even have to write my own material any more. Sweet!

Here's my two cents on this (the marriage being a hypothetical for the sake of the discussion):

1. I'm happy to admit that WAM, to me, has a large sexual component.

2. I most definitely would not be happy if i was married and my wife met up with other men for stuff like fetishes, regardless if i knew or not. I wouldn't mind, however, if she was meeting up with other women.

3. I'd only do stuff like WAM with another women if A) my wife allowed it, B) clear boundaries were set up before hand and C) arrange for my wife to meet the partner beforehand.

Point 3 is, of course, applicable if my wife didnt take part in WAM herself but would still apply for any potential three person WAM session with another women and her.


finally, yes i realize that my views on this are a bit hypocritical but *shrugs* people are like that.

That's an interesting question.

As an analogy, think about kissing someone on the cheek. I wouldn't say that's inherently sexual, i.e. straight men probably wouldn't get an erection just from kissing a woman on the cheek (or being kissed). It's also something that people do with friends, not just with partners. At the same time, I think a lot of straight men would be reluctant to do that with each other, at least in the UK or USA; it seems to be far more socially acceptable (even expected) in some European countries.

A similar principle applies to some other activities, e.g. holding hands or hugging.

I'm not sure how that relates to WAM, and it probably varies from person to person.

Where does your feeling come from? I doubt it is true of most men (who are jealous), and suspect it wouldn't apply to the people who are in open relationships (since those relationships imply mutual consent). I feel like you couldn't fit a grain of sand on the overlapping area of that Venn diagram

Yes, I can see where you're coming from with this. My marriage is maybe not the most typical example, since while in practical terms we have a monogamous relationship we are both attracted to both men and women and my wife has been in poly relationships in her youth. We're big on communication and consent also. WAM for me is somewhere around the borders of my sexuality, but I can cheerfully get messy without sexual acts or have sex without a WAM element.
I'm planning on exploring some outdoor mud spots in the summer, and my wife is OK with that but not intending to come along herself. Because of the logistics and slight trepidation about doing stuff outdoors, I'm thinking I might be more comfortable having someone else along with me, it would most likely be another man and I'd want to do something along the lines of your point three.

Haha, wtf. Unless you're in an open relationship, don't. It's not that hard.

1. Are you are saying that women play without their partner knowing but those same women hate it if men do even if they tell their partner about it? If so I can pretty much say that it is not the case. Men and women would both hate it if their partner was sneaking off to enjoy their fetish without letting them know about it. Women or men who would do something like that behind the back of their significant other are scum. Doesn't matter if your SO doesn't partake in your fetish. It doesn't give you the right to find someone on the side to help you enjoy it. If you love them, and they wont to it with you, you live without it or talk with them. If they allow you to see someone on the side your free to play. However, if they say "no" one has to respect that. If it really is that big of a deal breaker the relationship wont work. Otherwise you have to respect their boundaries on not partaking in the fetish and not finding someone to help you do so.

2. Most men mind the same amount, if not more, than women. It's still betrayal. Weather or not you find a fetish to be sexual it's still cheating. Cheating is more than just a physical act; it can be psychological and emotional as well. Fetishes are still not entirely defined as a sexual act, but they can still be persevered that way through the eyes of a significant other.

3. Morality should always mater. If it's a fetish or not morality should always play a part in the act. If your morals say it's alright but the morals of the person you are with say it isn't, respect their set of morals if you want to have a healthy relationship. If you think their morality is really getting in the way that much, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship with them. Each person has their own set of morals and you must respect that if you care about them.

4. No. I have met up with other people besides my partner and he has met up with other people besides me. We always talk to each other about it first. In the end, it isn't the same as "going out to coffee" with someone. Unless going out for coffee is your fetish. A fetish is still a special thing for you. If your significant other thinks it's a bad idea listen to them. It might just be because they don't trust who you want to meet up with or they might just take issue with you finding pleasure in someone other than them. After all, having slime dumped over your naked body is more than a casual "hello"

5. It isn't tinder, but it's also more than a wet and messy site. UMD allows you to explore your fetish and get to know others who feel the same way. It's not like pornhub where the only people who comment are complete wierdos (no offence regis). We are all here for the same reason. We all enjoy WAM in one way or another. You can simply look at the videos, pictures, and downloads, but UMD also offers people the chance to explore their fetish and find out new and exiting ways to explore it. One of those ways is by meeting with others on this site. True you will probably not end up dating, but it's not the same as meeting up with a friend either. You both meet up because you share a very specific thing in common, a thing which is sexual for a lot of users (including myself). You can treat meeting up with someone from this site as "not a big deal" but I sure don't.

End of rant

1. Not sure I get this. The first part implies no consent, the second: consent. So, apples and bananas?

2. Already said by others, but: no.

3. I'm unclear that the use of the word "morality" is used correctly here, at least as I understand it.

4. No. Even with "French rules", which is a cute name for a mutual agreement that affairs will happen but you do NOT rub it in each other's face (I.e., you keep it very secret and in no way cause humiliation to your partner), this is way off IMO. And, related; "French rules" may not cover a fetish, which is complicated in and of itself, involving misunderstanding, or non-understanding, of why it's so important to one partner or the other. Communication is key, essential, and can be very challenging if one partner regards kink or fetish as immoral or deviant. So.. in short, consent and agreement and communication is key if you want to maintain a relationship with a non-kinkster/WAMmer. (And much easier said than done).

5. Intent and function are two different things; a community forms around the site, and you can't avoid the connection of like-minded, or common-interested people. This gets into semantics, which is a waste of time here; people will find each other around a mutual kink. Sooo, I think this is a pointless distinction, IMO.