Hello, Wam community,

Recently I convinced my girlfriend to experiment with getting messy with me. So far all we have done is smush cupcakes and frosting in each other's faces but I would like to do full-sized cakes and possibly pies. I don't want to make sure she feels comfortable with what we do but I feel so weird talking to her about it. Do any of you with non-wam partners have any tips to make the communication less weird? Will it always make me so nervous to bring up the conversation? At the end of the day, I just want to make sure she is comfortable with all this but I don't know how to talk about it with her.

Do you talk about sex, foreplay, kinks, etc. more generally? Probably a good place to start. Do you indulge in the more obvious practice of 'I'm just going to cover your ___ in ___ and then rub it around / lick it all off sensually' ? It's a lot easier to progress from there when tasty things are already used in your intimate time!

I have been there before. The person I talked about it with was not as sexually adventurous as I am. She was into role play very very light and that was it. It was harder for me with her, I was afraid of the awkward tension and any feelings I might have. I used a different approach than with others, for her I used trying to find her kinks if others or things that she might be interested in. She asked me mine and I explained it as a food fight. Told her how I first figured out something was there and what I felt. To her it was strange, I left it alone after that. It sucked continuing on with the conversation pretending what just happened didn't. I could tell she was off too. She told me she was sorry she called it strange, I appreciated it and it did help ease the tension and stuff. We didn't hang out much longer after that because of other stuff going on. Every woman after her I have been apprehensive with and nervous about talking with them. Luckily that was the worst reaction I have had.

I can definitely identify with the awkwardness you describe. It's completely natural to feel awkward though, especially if it's something you've never spoken about with a partner before. Take confidence from the fact you have already wammed together - that's something not every partner will be prepared to do and assuming she didn't hate the experience you can and should continue to talk about it. (Even if she had hated it it'd still be worth debriefing to find out why!) Mentioning how much you enjoyed the frosting session and how amazing she looked could be a good way to begin.

It will come to feel more natural over time, and I would definitely echo what others have said in taking an interest in any fetishes/desires she may have if you haven't already done so. It may also be worth thinking about how you can articulate what it is about wam that turns you on and answer any questions she may have - I found it really tricky at first to explain to my partner what the attraction was because it had always been innate and I'd never had to explain it to anyone!

It sounds as though you've taken the most important step already - your partner knows this is a "thing" for you and has been happy to experiment with it. So subsequent conversations have a ready made opener. Bear in mind the two recommendations that always come up on UMD in this situation - make it about her, not the mess, and take it steadily. So then go in with something along the lines of "I really loved the way you looked when we did that cupcake thing the other night. How did you find it?". And assuming her response to that is reasonably positive, "I'd love us to do it again, and thought it might be fun if we tried using a pie. What do you think?"

And messyloving's suggestions above are also great ways in if they work for you - licking whipped cream or chocolate sauce off your lover is almost mainstream, and once enjoyed in a limited way by both partners is not hard to extend to greater coverage or other messes. Licking chocolate sauce off her fingers was actually my own "way in" with my wife. Twenty years later I can honestly say there's not much she's not been covered in at one time or another, so "great oaks from little acorns grow".

Well I talked to her about it and she said shell continue to experiment with it as long as she gets to eat some of it first so win for me! apparently she had a lot of fun and all I have to do is make sure not to get any in her hair. I was so afraid that she would think Its disgusting and break up with me which was a little stupid because we have been dating a year already so idk why I was afraid.

My wife and I started slow and shenev3n joked about it the other day saying remember when I said I'm in but not my face or hair....... she's warmed up to so much so most sessions she's unrecognizable. So start slow have fun and see where it goes.

oilslick said:
Exactly the same experience here. I think women are often (understandably) quite protective of their hair. After the wife and I had stayed getting messy regularly there was quite a while when she would often stipulate "not my hair". Then, as a special favour, we did mess her hair once, then a few times more. I think once she realised both what a turn on it was for me, and that it wasn't actually a major problem to wash it afterwards she became much more relaxed about it, until now it wouldn't really be a session without messed up hair.

I think we had one or two sessions with a sort of "natural beauty treatment" theme, which might have been a way in, if I remember correctly. Along the lines of eggs in her hair for "shine", chocolate / cocoa hair "mousse", banana and honey shampoo etc etc - there are some wacky beauty tips out there on the internet even if they don't usually involve quite the quantities of ingredients that we tend to use!

Great news, really pleased for you and hope this is the start of many years happily wamming together for you both.

As others have said, it's really great that you got the absolute hardest part over with and she's aware of it and willing to experiment. I was lucky with my first wamming partner that it just happened organically. Trying to get over the nervousness of explaining this kink to later partners was definitely limiting.

It was also very smart to start off small. It's hard to fight the temptation to bust out the five gallon buckets when you find someone receptive so that you don't scare them off. I started off relatively small as well. Funny seeing others mention that their partners had either a no face or hair clause to begin with. I had experienced that too. She was fine with getting her face messy as long as nothing got in her eyes or hair. We used small swimmer's goggles at first which helped her feel more comfortable and didn't detract anything for me since they were pretty much the equivalent of wearing glasses. Eventually she told me not to bother with the goggles and realized that getting stuff in her hair was no big deal. We mostly used yogurt and if anything it was probably good for the hair lol.

Sounds like you're on the right track by being open with your communication and respectful of her wants. It'll feel less weird as time goes on and you two start finding what works. How did you first broach the subject?

I'm going to give you the best advice you will ever get on the subject:

Make sure she understands it's her that you find sexy covered in whatever. As in, do not give her the impression she could be replaced by anyone as long as there is mess involved. She needs to understand it's her that you find sexy, not cupcakes and frosting, or whatever.

Beyond that, don't push it hard. You can ask her to do whatever, but if she has a negative reaction, don't make it a big deal.

Be patient. Even if you get knocked back, be chill - she'll remember that you didn't pressure her, and that it would bring you joy and fun and sexy time with her to do that.

The really good news is that she went into it with you. You say you had to convince her, so she must like you. Now she knows it's not bad and whether she had fun or not.

Patience and understanding is key. Although, being direct may work - "Hey, I had a lot of fun doing XYZ with you, and you were so sexy. Would you be up to play again sometime?" Let her give a direct answer, then weirdness likely goes away.

(Don't use those exact words, it's been a long time since I've been near the beginning of a new relationship.)

Lots of good advice above. Probably a doctoral thesis could be written on this an not cover 5% of the 'key' info. About the only two things I can add that have been my "go to's" in the past:

Definitely overall, communication is the key. If you spring some scenario on her or throw her into something without a discussion, the outcome is likely to be strongly negative.

With that said, I've found that throwing out comments or relating messy/muddy experiences can be a good gauge of how the other person would take it. One time I remarked something to the effect of, "Wow crazy experience on the jet ski today...was in what I thought was deep water, but actually bottomed out and had to push the ski through 100 feet of mud to get back into deep water." When the response was, "All that mud sounds like so much fun!" ...I knew I had the green flag to pursue further!

Conversely, one time on a bike ride during a relatively rainy, muddy day, I splashed through a mud puddle flinging mud everywhere and saying something to the effect of, "Well, you can only get so muddy...". The response was, "Ewwww, ick!!" I knew that wasn't going to go anywhere!

Lastly, I've found massage oil to be a good 'opening act' so to speak. I mean, who doesn't love massage oil... and a little more... and a little more... and still more! The response to that is usually, "Wow, feels so good!" - which again, opens a door. ...unless you consider an ex girlfriend of mine and the "Yuck...hate being so slippery!" reply... though I did say EX, right?

So my problem with a lot of the advice here is that it seems to come from the mindset that your kinks are a liability to you that you have to convince someone to do for you to do because the only enjoyment they could possibly get from it is that they're doing something that pleases you.

I believe the correct mindset is to consider your kinks as assets. They are experience and knowledge you have to potentially show another person a good time. I have found as a general rule that the average woman is kinkier than the average man this is in part because women score higher in openness on the Big 5 personality test and because when men find a kink they tend to keep wanking off to the same thing until Pavlov's dog they've conditioned themselves into a full-blown fetish.

However whilst most women are kinkier with their fantasies because of the judgement that society places on sexually adventurous women they usually prefer to hope an open minded man will lead them to explore their sexuality.

I would go so far to say that the number 1 thing women are looking for in their relationships today is novelty. Unlike men who tend to seek novelty in that they want to do the exact same thing but with different women (hell most of the content on this website consists of producers producing the exact same scene but with a different model), women want different emotional novelty with the same partner (for instance romantic emotionally intimate lovemaking in which you worship every inch of her body one day then the next day getting fucked and degraded, used for your pleasure). Being boring is the quickest way to kill your sex life with a woman.

Even women who are into sploshing don't just want sploshing all the time, most of them want to be able to explore other kinks with as well with a non-judgemental partner not just strike a balance between vanilla sex and some sploshing sessions.

The problem with most male fetishists is that they're seeking a kink dispenser. They have never taken the time to explore any other kinks to even consider gaining experience in kinks that a future partner could enjoy and therefore make themselves more attractive to future partners. There is also a tendency for male fetishists to remain incredibly judgemental. Whilst they say they a kink-friendly what they really mean is 'please don't judge me for my kink,' but then they go around trying to convince others to try their kink by saying it isn't as 'weird' as other kinks demonstrating that it isn't a case of them being open minded and non-judgemental but that they've had enough time on their hands to mentally convince themselves of some sort of exception for their kink in comparison to the others they are judgemental of.

The mindset I take to introducing sploshing (or for that matter any of the kinks I introduce women to as a Dominant-leaning switch) is that I'm introducing it to them as I think it is something fun that they would enjoy and that I try to find the best introduction based on what their other kinks are. For instance if they're into Primal play then mud wrestling would a good idea, if they're a Brat then slapstick food fights, if they like feeling helpless in bondage then either I chain them up in a gunge tank or lock them in my pillory for a pie-ing. You shouldn't be approaching it because you are manipulating them into providing that specific scene that you're into as that is based on very specific childhood triggers they aren't going to understand (sure they may in future wish to indulge in it for you but you find much more willing and happy partners when you're attitude is that you put wanting to show them awesome experiences you think they will enjoy before trying to get your number 1 thing). Also take note that this also means that you should also be getting into the mindset of finding out about her kinks and fantasies before considering your own.

Now granted I do spend more time around women that are already open with being a little bit kinky such that my example of using other kinks to guide you in how to introduce sploshing may not be as helpful for complete novices in kink but it is still possible to introduce as a bit of fun with them. An example messy introduction for the novice I have would be making a single custard pie and then saying that we're going out for a date but that when we come back to the flat for dessert we will flip a coin and the winner gets to shove the custard pie in the loser's face before getting orally pleasured. Think of it as you're first lesson on value of delayed gratification on the road to being a Pleasure Dom. The teasing, anticipation and tension you can create throughout the date should be enough to create a fun experience in its own right.

Will it work with every woman? No, if she's not interested she has plenty of opportunity all night to say so (and you only waste a single pie). However most women will respect you more if you can be open about your kinks. You are better off finding someone that you have some compatibility playing with than being one of those guys that has got married before bring it up (BTW, women have every right to be annoyed at you if you kept parts of you secret before getting married it reveals a lack of trust that you wouldn't let her know everything about you and led her to believe you weren't who you showed her to be when you got her to marry you).

Most women will tell you to "go get fucked," if you tried to convince them to go do the housework BUT you'd be surprised how many women will get wet if you put her in a French Maid's outfit, fit her with a remote controlled vibrating butt plug, strap a toilet brush gag to her mouth and then followed her around with a paddle spanking whenever she takes to long at a task but giving an appreciative kiss on the head once every task is complete. Now granted I can get away with more shit than most given I'm a switch that'll let them have the opportunity to turn the tables and get revenge (provided they can beat me at a game) BUT as a general rule women will grant you much greater liberties if you look to create fun emotional experiences for them than they will if you try talking them into it by convincing them it isn't that weird. Weird isn't necessarily a bad thing. Whilst sure most women would like to appear normal amongst their friends and the rest of society but normal is also boring. Provided you can keep a secret you can have fun doing as much weird shit as you're both happy to do.

Anyway good luck and regardless of your results do consider exploring other kinks. It demonstrates to future kinky partners you are open to exploring there kinks and wanted to gain the experience to do a good job.