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"100 things I learned from hanging out at UMD"
Love you, too
wamJ22 said: 15. Gay men will hit on your straight ass like crazy if you post messy pics of yourself.
5. Straight men will hit your female ass like crazy if you post messy pics of yourself
4: If you start working with someone at work called Jessie you have to work really really hard not to say 'Messy Jessie' from 8 years of habit
3: There is more chance of solving the Arab/Israeli conflict than getting UMDers to agree on whether foam or cream pies are better
2: That when you want to find and quote that amazing post, describing hilariously what women learn from hanging out at UMD, you can't find it.
(edit: until you do. Credit to itsagaz for this brilliance):
It's important to remember that the UMD experience for men differs significantly from the UMD experience for women (or so I'm told).
For a man:
April 3, 2014, 12:00 p.m.: Create UMD profile and upload a picture.
April 3, 2014, 1:00 p.m.: Send friend requests to the various attractive women on the UMD.
April 5, 2014, 5:06 p.m.: One of those attractive women accepts your friend request. Coincidentally, she never visits the UMD again, probably because that Chris dude never paid her the money he promised her from her first video.
May 18, 2014, 8:46 p.m.: Receive a friend request from some random dude.
June 20, 2014, 1:13 a.m.: Someone you've never met "loves" one of your posts in a forum thread.
September 8, 2014, 9:58 p.m.: Someone else accepts one of your friend requests.
November 22, 2014, 3:02 a.m.: Because your new avatar is a photo of an attractive messy woman, you receive a lengthy, sexually explicit PM from another guy who is clearly very imaginative, messy-sex-wise, but not very good at reading the details of people's profiles.
January 11, 2015, 8:52 a.m.: Someone misunderstands something you wrote in a forum thread and decides you're now their mortal enemy, at least until their rage fizzles out a day or so later.
And so on.
For a woman:
April 3, 2014, 12:00 p.m.: Create a UMD profile and upload a picture.
April 3, 2014, 12:15 p.m.: You have 312 PMs from different UMD members, all of them eager to critique your body, your taste in clothing, your photographic skill and choice of WAM materials. Four guys have offered to drive up to 2000 miles, today, to have a messy session with you in your home, as long as you can pay for the supplies. One guy sent you 38 identical messages inquiring as to how many pairs of white socks you own. A guy named Chris offered you what sounds like a lucrative modeling gig. And everyone wants to see more photos of you!
April 3, 2014, 3:00 p.m.: You're eager to please all of these new friends so you're going to shoot a new photo! You put on a garter belt and stockings, and then two pairs of white socks and a one-piece swimsuit, which you fill with beans and pudding, then climb into a boiler suit, over which you pull a pair of thigh-high leather boots. You put a ball-gag in your mouth, then submerge yourself in a kiddie pool full of mud. When you emerge, completely covered in mud, your best friend is waiting to pie you twice -- once with a real bakery pie, sans plate, and once with a shaving cream pie. As you splutter and resist the urge to clear your eyes, she shoots your single, perfect WAM photo -- the WAM photo that will please everyone.
April 3, 2014, 3:01 p.m.: Brief panic when it looks like your friend, who isn't used to Android smartphones, has accidentally texted your photo to all of your contacts. False alarm. Phew.
April 3, 2014, 3:25 p.m.: Fresh from the shower, you post your single, perfect WAM photo to your UMD profile.
April 3, 2014, 3:26 p.m.: Emboldened, you post your single, perfect WAM photo to the messy forum.
April 3, 2014, 3:28 p.m.: Your post has 41 replies. With the exception of Devo77, who thanks you politely, everyone is meh about your photo but hopes you'll do something more to their tastes next time around. The guy who asked you to do a watermelon insertion -- a request you discreetly ignored -- is pissed that he can't see the watermelon in the photo.
April 3, 2014, 3:30 p.m.: You have nine new PMs from the white socks guy. The last one contains long strings of upper-case consonants, followed by an emoticon you've never seen before that seems to be spurting blood.
April 3, 2014, 3:32 p.m.: Someone in your photo thread offers the theory that you're actually a dude, and that you might even be that Chris guy. UMDers pick sides and present evidence as the battle rages for an unprecedented 15 pages until Jayce falls on the metaphorical grenade for you by posting a set of free pictures that prove, conclusively (and somewhat unnecessarily, given the existing evidence), that she is definitely a woman.
April 3, 2014, 3:48 p.m.: After reading your latest batch of PMs, you delete your UMD profile, clear your browser history, and DBan your computer's hard drive.
April 8, 2014, 12:09 p.m.: Another WAM producer, perceiving the emergence of a new subgenre, releases a video in which a woman who looks a lot like you, wearing exactly the same outfit you wore in your single, perfect WAM photo, does something really rude with a watermelon. It is hailed as a classic of the genre and sells an unprecedented 38 copies.
May 14, 2014, 4:06 a.m.: The white socks guy finally gives up trying to find your home address and heads to YouTube for some new inspiration.
******
1: That until Great Britain learns how to obtain Cool whip, it will have to be renamed 'Mediocre Britain'.
3: There is more chance of solving the Arab/Israeli conflict than getting UMDers to agree on whether foam or cream pies are better
2: That when you want to find and quote that amazing post, describing hilariously what women learn from hanging out at UMD, you can't find it.
(edit: until you do. Credit to itsagaz for this brilliance):
It's important to remember that the UMD experience for men differs significantly from the UMD experience for women (or so I'm told).
For a man:
April 3, 2014, 12:00 p.m.: Create UMD profile and upload a picture.
April 3, 2014, 1:00 p.m.: Send friend requests to the various attractive women on the UMD.
April 5, 2014, 5:06 p.m.: One of those attractive women accepts your friend request. Coincidentally, she never visits the UMD again, probably because that Chris dude never paid her the money he promised her from her first video.
May 18, 2014, 8:46 p.m.: Receive a friend request from some random dude.
June 20, 2014, 1:13 a.m.: Someone you've never met "loves" one of your posts in a forum thread.
September 8, 2014, 9:58 p.m.: Someone else accepts one of your friend requests.
November 22, 2014, 3:02 a.m.: Because your new avatar is a photo of an attractive messy woman, you receive a lengthy, sexually explicit PM from another guy who is clearly very imaginative, messy-sex-wise, but not very good at reading the details of people's profiles.
January 11, 2015, 8:52 a.m.: Someone misunderstands something you wrote in a forum thread and decides you're now their mortal enemy, at least until their rage fizzles out a day or so later.
And so on.
For a woman:
April 3, 2014, 12:00 p.m.: Create a UMD profile and upload a picture.
April 3, 2014, 12:15 p.m.: You have 312 PMs from different UMD members, all of them eager to critique your body, your taste in clothing, your photographic skill and choice of WAM materials. Four guys have offered to drive up to 2000 miles, today, to have a messy session with you in your home, as long as you can pay for the supplies. One guy sent you 38 identical messages inquiring as to how many pairs of white socks you own. A guy named Chris offered you what sounds like a lucrative modeling gig. And everyone wants to see more photos of you!
April 3, 2014, 3:00 p.m.: You're eager to please all of these new friends so you're going to shoot a new photo! You put on a garter belt and stockings, and then two pairs of white socks and a one-piece swimsuit, which you fill with beans and pudding, then climb into a boiler suit, over which you pull a pair of thigh-high leather boots. You put a ball-gag in your mouth, then submerge yourself in a kiddie pool full of mud. When you emerge, completely covered in mud, your best friend is waiting to pie you twice -- once with a real bakery pie, sans plate, and once with a shaving cream pie. As you splutter and resist the urge to clear your eyes, she shoots your single, perfect WAM photo -- the WAM photo that will please everyone.
April 3, 2014, 3:01 p.m.: Brief panic when it looks like your friend, who isn't used to Android smartphones, has accidentally texted your photo to all of your contacts. False alarm. Phew.
April 3, 2014, 3:25 p.m.: Fresh from the shower, you post your single, perfect WAM photo to your UMD profile.
April 3, 2014, 3:26 p.m.: Emboldened, you post your single, perfect WAM photo to the messy forum.
April 3, 2014, 3:28 p.m.: Your post has 41 replies. With the exception of Devo77, who thanks you politely, everyone is meh about your photo but hopes you'll do something more to their tastes next time around. The guy who asked you to do a watermelon insertion -- a request you discreetly ignored -- is pissed that he can't see the watermelon in the photo.
April 3, 2014, 3:30 p.m.: You have nine new PMs from the white socks guy. The last one contains long strings of upper-case consonants, followed by an emoticon you've never seen before that seems to be spurting blood.
April 3, 2014, 3:32 p.m.: Someone in your photo thread offers the theory that you're actually a dude, and that you might even be that Chris guy. UMDers pick sides and present evidence as the battle rages for an unprecedented 15 pages until Jayce falls on the metaphorical grenade for you by posting a set of free pictures that prove, conclusively (and somewhat unnecessarily, given the existing evidence), that she is definitely a woman.
April 3, 2014, 3:48 p.m.: After reading your latest batch of PMs, you delete your UMD profile, clear your browser history, and DBan your computer's hard drive.
April 8, 2014, 12:09 p.m.: Another WAM producer, perceiving the emergence of a new subgenre, releases a video in which a woman who looks a lot like you, wearing exactly the same outfit you wore in your single, perfect WAM photo, does something really rude with a watermelon. It is hailed as a classic of the genre and sells an unprecedented 38 copies.
May 14, 2014, 4:06 a.m.: The white socks guy finally gives up trying to find your home address and heads to YouTube for some new inspiration.
******
1: That until Great Britain learns how to obtain Cool whip, it will have to be renamed 'Mediocre Britain'.
Subscribe! Stream 1700+ scenes for $17 a month.
reverendsl said: 4: If you start working with someone at work called Jessie you have to work really really hard not to say 'Messy Jessie' from 8 years of habit
3: There is more chance of solving the Arab/Israeli conflict than getting UMDers to agree on whether foam or cream pies are better
2: That when you want to find and quote that amazing post, describing hilariously what women learn from hanging out at UMD, you can't find it.
(edit: until you do. Credit to itsagaz for this brilliance):
It's important to remember that the UMD experience for men differs significantly from the UMD experience for women (or so I'm told).
For a man:
April 3, 2014, 12:00 p.m.: Create UMD profile and upload a picture.
April 3, 2014, 1:00 p.m.: Send friend requests to the various attractive women on the UMD.
April 5, 2014, 5:06 p.m.: One of those attractive women accepts your friend request. Coincidentally, she never visits the UMD again, probably because that Chris dude never paid her the money he promised her from her first video.
May 18, 2014, 8:46 p.m.: Receive a friend request from some random dude.
June 20, 2014, 1:13 a.m.: Someone you've never met "loves" one of your posts in a forum thread.
September 8, 2014, 9:58 p.m.: Someone else accepts one of your friend requests.
November 22, 2014, 3:02 a.m.: Because your new avatar is a photo of an attractive messy woman, you receive a lengthy, sexually explicit PM from another guy who is clearly very imaginative, messy-sex-wise, but not very good at reading the details of people's profiles.
January 11, 2015, 8:52 a.m.: Someone misunderstands something you wrote in a forum thread and decides you're now their mortal enemy, at least until their rage fizzles out a day or so later.
And so on.
For a woman:
April 3, 2014, 12:00 p.m.: Create a UMD profile and upload a picture.
April 3, 2014, 12:15 p.m.: You have 312 PMs from different UMD members, all of them eager to critique your body, your taste in clothing, your photographic skill and choice of WAM materials. Four guys have offered to drive up to 2000 miles, today, to have a messy session with you in your home, as long as you can pay for the supplies. One guy sent you 38 identical messages inquiring as to how many pairs of white socks you own. A guy named Chris offered you what sounds like a lucrative modeling gig. And everyone wants to see more photos of you!
April 3, 2014, 3:00 p.m.: You're eager to please all of these new friends so you're going to shoot a new photo! You put on a garter belt and stockings, and then two pairs of white socks and a one-piece swimsuit, which you fill with beans and pudding, then climb into a boiler suit, over which you pull a pair of thigh-high leather boots. You put a ball-gag in your mouth, then submerge yourself in a kiddie pool full of mud. When you emerge, completely covered in mud, your best friend is waiting to pie you twice -- once with a real bakery pie, sans plate, and once with a shaving cream pie. As you splutter and resist the urge to clear your eyes, she shoots your single, perfect WAM photo -- the WAM photo that will please everyone.
April 3, 2014, 3:01 p.m.: Brief panic when it looks like your friend, who isn't used to Android smartphones, has accidentally texted your photo to all of your contacts. False alarm. Phew.
April 3, 2014, 3:25 p.m.: Fresh from the shower, you post your single, perfect WAM photo to your UMD profile.
April 3, 2014, 3:26 p.m.: Emboldened, you post your single, perfect WAM photo to the messy forum.
April 3, 2014, 3:28 p.m.: Your post has 41 replies. With the exception of Devo77, who thanks you politely, everyone is meh about your photo but hopes you'll do something more to their tastes next time around. The guy who asked you to do a watermelon insertion -- a request you discreetly ignored -- is pissed that he can't see the watermelon in the photo.
April 3, 2014, 3:30 p.m.: You have nine new PMs from the white socks guy. The last one contains long strings of upper-case consonants, followed by an emoticon you've never seen before that seems to be spurting blood.
April 3, 2014, 3:32 p.m.: Someone in your photo thread offers the theory that you're actually a dude, and that you might even be that Chris guy. UMDers pick sides and present evidence as the battle rages for an unprecedented 15 pages until Jayce falls on the metaphorical grenade for you by posting a set of free pictures that prove, conclusively (and somewhat unnecessarily, given the existing evidence), that she is definitely a woman.
April 3, 2014, 3:48 p.m.: After reading your latest batch of PMs, you delete your UMD profile, clear your browser history, and DBan your computer's hard drive.
April 8, 2014, 12:09 p.m.: Another WAM producer, perceiving the emergence of a new subgenre, releases a video in which a woman who looks a lot like you, wearing exactly the same outfit you wore in your single, perfect WAM photo, does something really rude with a watermelon. It is hailed as a classic of the genre and sells an unprecedented 38 copies.
May 14, 2014, 4:06 a.m.: The white socks guy finally gives up trying to find your home address and heads to YouTube for some new inspiration.
******
1: That until Great Britain learns how to obtain Cool whip, it will have to be renamed 'Mediocre Britain'.
3: There is more chance of solving the Arab/Israeli conflict than getting UMDers to agree on whether foam or cream pies are better
2: That when you want to find and quote that amazing post, describing hilariously what women learn from hanging out at UMD, you can't find it.
(edit: until you do. Credit to itsagaz for this brilliance):
It's important to remember that the UMD experience for men differs significantly from the UMD experience for women (or so I'm told).
For a man:
April 3, 2014, 12:00 p.m.: Create UMD profile and upload a picture.
April 3, 2014, 1:00 p.m.: Send friend requests to the various attractive women on the UMD.
April 5, 2014, 5:06 p.m.: One of those attractive women accepts your friend request. Coincidentally, she never visits the UMD again, probably because that Chris dude never paid her the money he promised her from her first video.
May 18, 2014, 8:46 p.m.: Receive a friend request from some random dude.
June 20, 2014, 1:13 a.m.: Someone you've never met "loves" one of your posts in a forum thread.
September 8, 2014, 9:58 p.m.: Someone else accepts one of your friend requests.
November 22, 2014, 3:02 a.m.: Because your new avatar is a photo of an attractive messy woman, you receive a lengthy, sexually explicit PM from another guy who is clearly very imaginative, messy-sex-wise, but not very good at reading the details of people's profiles.
January 11, 2015, 8:52 a.m.: Someone misunderstands something you wrote in a forum thread and decides you're now their mortal enemy, at least until their rage fizzles out a day or so later.
And so on.
For a woman:
April 3, 2014, 12:00 p.m.: Create a UMD profile and upload a picture.
April 3, 2014, 12:15 p.m.: You have 312 PMs from different UMD members, all of them eager to critique your body, your taste in clothing, your photographic skill and choice of WAM materials. Four guys have offered to drive up to 2000 miles, today, to have a messy session with you in your home, as long as you can pay for the supplies. One guy sent you 38 identical messages inquiring as to how many pairs of white socks you own. A guy named Chris offered you what sounds like a lucrative modeling gig. And everyone wants to see more photos of you!
April 3, 2014, 3:00 p.m.: You're eager to please all of these new friends so you're going to shoot a new photo! You put on a garter belt and stockings, and then two pairs of white socks and a one-piece swimsuit, which you fill with beans and pudding, then climb into a boiler suit, over which you pull a pair of thigh-high leather boots. You put a ball-gag in your mouth, then submerge yourself in a kiddie pool full of mud. When you emerge, completely covered in mud, your best friend is waiting to pie you twice -- once with a real bakery pie, sans plate, and once with a shaving cream pie. As you splutter and resist the urge to clear your eyes, she shoots your single, perfect WAM photo -- the WAM photo that will please everyone.
April 3, 2014, 3:01 p.m.: Brief panic when it looks like your friend, who isn't used to Android smartphones, has accidentally texted your photo to all of your contacts. False alarm. Phew.
April 3, 2014, 3:25 p.m.: Fresh from the shower, you post your single, perfect WAM photo to your UMD profile.
April 3, 2014, 3:26 p.m.: Emboldened, you post your single, perfect WAM photo to the messy forum.
April 3, 2014, 3:28 p.m.: Your post has 41 replies. With the exception of Devo77, who thanks you politely, everyone is meh about your photo but hopes you'll do something more to their tastes next time around. The guy who asked you to do a watermelon insertion -- a request you discreetly ignored -- is pissed that he can't see the watermelon in the photo.
April 3, 2014, 3:30 p.m.: You have nine new PMs from the white socks guy. The last one contains long strings of upper-case consonants, followed by an emoticon you've never seen before that seems to be spurting blood.
April 3, 2014, 3:32 p.m.: Someone in your photo thread offers the theory that you're actually a dude, and that you might even be that Chris guy. UMDers pick sides and present evidence as the battle rages for an unprecedented 15 pages until Jayce falls on the metaphorical grenade for you by posting a set of free pictures that prove, conclusively (and somewhat unnecessarily, given the existing evidence), that she is definitely a woman.
April 3, 2014, 3:48 p.m.: After reading your latest batch of PMs, you delete your UMD profile, clear your browser history, and DBan your computer's hard drive.
April 8, 2014, 12:09 p.m.: Another WAM producer, perceiving the emergence of a new subgenre, releases a video in which a woman who looks a lot like you, wearing exactly the same outfit you wore in your single, perfect WAM photo, does something really rude with a watermelon. It is hailed as a classic of the genre and sells an unprecedented 38 copies.
May 14, 2014, 4:06 a.m.: The white socks guy finally gives up trying to find your home address and heads to YouTube for some new inspiration.
******
1: That until Great Britain learns how to obtain Cool whip, it will have to be renamed 'Mediocre Britain'.
You make my day !
reverendsl said: 4: If you start working with someone at work called Jessie you have to work really really hard not to say 'Messy Jessie' from 8 years of habit
I can beat that!, I have someone at work who's gorgeous with long blonde hair, her name's Jenny, the amount of times I've called her Jessie is embarassing!!
I've got custard and I'm not afraid to use it!
Think I turned against him back in the day when they kept on playing "Steppin' Out" over, and over, and over again. Oh Lord, Kumbay-no, lol.reverendsl said: 4: If you start working with someone at work called Jessie you have to work really really hard not to say 'Messy Jessie' from 8 years of habit
3: There is more chance of solving the Arab/Israeli conflict than getting UMDers to agree on whether foam or cream pies are better
2: That when you want to find and quote that amazing post, describing hilariously what women learn from hanging out at UMD, you can't find it.
(edit: until you do. Credit to itsagaz for this brilliance):
It's important to remember that the UMD experience for men differs significantly from the UMD experience for women (or so I'm told).
For a man:
April 3, 2014, 12:00 p.m.: Create UMD profile and upload a picture.
April 3, 2014, 1:00 p.m.: Send friend requests to the various attractive women on the UMD.
April 5, 2014, 5:06 p.m.: One of those attractive women accepts your friend request. Coincidentally, she never visits the UMD again, probably because that Chris dude never paid her the money he promised her from her first video.
May 18, 2014, 8:46 p.m.: Receive a friend request from some random dude.
June 20, 2014, 1:13 a.m.: Someone you've never met "loves" one of your posts in a forum thread.
September 8, 2014, 9:58 p.m.: Someone else accepts one of your friend requests.
November 22, 2014, 3:02 a.m.: Because your new avatar is a photo of an attractive messy woman, you receive a lengthy, sexually explicit PM from another guy who is clearly very imaginative, messy-sex-wise, but not very good at reading the details of people's profiles.
January 11, 2015, 8:52 a.m.: Someone misunderstands something you wrote in a forum thread and decides you're now their mortal enemy, at least until their rage fizzles out a day or so later.
And so on.
For a woman:
April 3, 2014, 12:00 p.m.: Create a UMD profile and upload a picture.
April 3, 2014, 12:15 p.m.: You have 312 PMs from different UMD members, all of them eager to critique your body, your taste in clothing, your photographic skill and choice of WAM materials. Four guys have offered to drive up to 2000 miles, today, to have a messy session with you in your home, as long as you can pay for the supplies. One guy sent you 38 identical messages inquiring as to how many pairs of white socks you own. A guy named Chris offered you what sounds like a lucrative modeling gig. And everyone wants to see more photos of you!
April 3, 2014, 3:00 p.m.: You're eager to please all of these new friends so you're going to shoot a new photo! You put on a garter belt and stockings, and then two pairs of white socks and a one-piece swimsuit, which you fill with beans and pudding, then climb into a boiler suit, over which you pull a pair of thigh-high leather boots. You put a ball-gag in your mouth, then submerge yourself in a kiddie pool full of mud. When you emerge, completely covered in mud, your best friend is waiting to pie you twice -- once with a real bakery pie, sans plate, and once with a shaving cream pie. As you splutter and resist the urge to clear your eyes, she shoots your single, perfect WAM photo -- the WAM photo that will please everyone.
April 3, 2014, 3:01 p.m.: Brief panic when it looks like your friend, who isn't used to Android smartphones, has accidentally texted your photo to all of your contacts. False alarm. Phew.
April 3, 2014, 3:25 p.m.: Fresh from the shower, you post your single, perfect WAM photo to your UMD profile.
April 3, 2014, 3:26 p.m.: Emboldened, you post your single, perfect WAM photo to the messy forum.
April 3, 2014, 3:28 p.m.: Your post has 41 replies. With the exception of Devo77, who thanks you politely, everyone is meh about your photo but hopes you'll do something more to their tastes next time around. The guy who asked you to do a watermelon insertion -- a request you discreetly ignored -- is pissed that he can't see the watermelon in the photo.
April 3, 2014, 3:30 p.m.: You have nine new PMs from the white socks guy. The last one contains long strings of upper-case consonants, followed by an emoticon you've never seen before that seems to be spurting blood.
April 3, 2014, 3:32 p.m.: Someone in your photo thread offers the theory that you're actually a dude, and that you might even be that Chris guy. UMDers pick sides and present evidence as the battle rages for an unprecedented 15 pages until Jayce falls on the metaphorical grenade for you by posting a set of free pictures that prove, conclusively (and somewhat unnecessarily, given the existing evidence), that she is definitely a woman.
April 3, 2014, 3:48 p.m.: After reading your latest batch of PMs, you delete your UMD profile, clear your browser history, and DBan your computer's hard drive.
April 8, 2014, 12:09 p.m.: Another WAM producer, perceiving the emergence of a new subgenre, releases a video in which a woman who looks a lot like you, wearing exactly the same outfit you wore in your single, perfect WAM photo, does something really rude with a watermelon. It is hailed as a classic of the genre and sells an unprecedented 38 copies.
May 14, 2014, 4:06 a.m.: The white socks guy finally gives up trying to find your home address and heads to YouTube for some new inspiration.
******
1: That until Great Britain learns how to obtain Cool whip, it will have to be renamed 'Mediocre Britain'.
3: There is more chance of solving the Arab/Israeli conflict than getting UMDers to agree on whether foam or cream pies are better
2: That when you want to find and quote that amazing post, describing hilariously what women learn from hanging out at UMD, you can't find it.
(edit: until you do. Credit to itsagaz for this brilliance):
It's important to remember that the UMD experience for men differs significantly from the UMD experience for women (or so I'm told).
For a man:
April 3, 2014, 12:00 p.m.: Create UMD profile and upload a picture.
April 3, 2014, 1:00 p.m.: Send friend requests to the various attractive women on the UMD.
April 5, 2014, 5:06 p.m.: One of those attractive women accepts your friend request. Coincidentally, she never visits the UMD again, probably because that Chris dude never paid her the money he promised her from her first video.
May 18, 2014, 8:46 p.m.: Receive a friend request from some random dude.
June 20, 2014, 1:13 a.m.: Someone you've never met "loves" one of your posts in a forum thread.
September 8, 2014, 9:58 p.m.: Someone else accepts one of your friend requests.
November 22, 2014, 3:02 a.m.: Because your new avatar is a photo of an attractive messy woman, you receive a lengthy, sexually explicit PM from another guy who is clearly very imaginative, messy-sex-wise, but not very good at reading the details of people's profiles.
January 11, 2015, 8:52 a.m.: Someone misunderstands something you wrote in a forum thread and decides you're now their mortal enemy, at least until their rage fizzles out a day or so later.
And so on.
For a woman:
April 3, 2014, 12:00 p.m.: Create a UMD profile and upload a picture.
April 3, 2014, 12:15 p.m.: You have 312 PMs from different UMD members, all of them eager to critique your body, your taste in clothing, your photographic skill and choice of WAM materials. Four guys have offered to drive up to 2000 miles, today, to have a messy session with you in your home, as long as you can pay for the supplies. One guy sent you 38 identical messages inquiring as to how many pairs of white socks you own. A guy named Chris offered you what sounds like a lucrative modeling gig. And everyone wants to see more photos of you!
April 3, 2014, 3:00 p.m.: You're eager to please all of these new friends so you're going to shoot a new photo! You put on a garter belt and stockings, and then two pairs of white socks and a one-piece swimsuit, which you fill with beans and pudding, then climb into a boiler suit, over which you pull a pair of thigh-high leather boots. You put a ball-gag in your mouth, then submerge yourself in a kiddie pool full of mud. When you emerge, completely covered in mud, your best friend is waiting to pie you twice -- once with a real bakery pie, sans plate, and once with a shaving cream pie. As you splutter and resist the urge to clear your eyes, she shoots your single, perfect WAM photo -- the WAM photo that will please everyone.
April 3, 2014, 3:01 p.m.: Brief panic when it looks like your friend, who isn't used to Android smartphones, has accidentally texted your photo to all of your contacts. False alarm. Phew.
April 3, 2014, 3:25 p.m.: Fresh from the shower, you post your single, perfect WAM photo to your UMD profile.
April 3, 2014, 3:26 p.m.: Emboldened, you post your single, perfect WAM photo to the messy forum.
April 3, 2014, 3:28 p.m.: Your post has 41 replies. With the exception of Devo77, who thanks you politely, everyone is meh about your photo but hopes you'll do something more to their tastes next time around. The guy who asked you to do a watermelon insertion -- a request you discreetly ignored -- is pissed that he can't see the watermelon in the photo.
April 3, 2014, 3:30 p.m.: You have nine new PMs from the white socks guy. The last one contains long strings of upper-case consonants, followed by an emoticon you've never seen before that seems to be spurting blood.
April 3, 2014, 3:32 p.m.: Someone in your photo thread offers the theory that you're actually a dude, and that you might even be that Chris guy. UMDers pick sides and present evidence as the battle rages for an unprecedented 15 pages until Jayce falls on the metaphorical grenade for you by posting a set of free pictures that prove, conclusively (and somewhat unnecessarily, given the existing evidence), that she is definitely a woman.
April 3, 2014, 3:48 p.m.: After reading your latest batch of PMs, you delete your UMD profile, clear your browser history, and DBan your computer's hard drive.
April 8, 2014, 12:09 p.m.: Another WAM producer, perceiving the emergence of a new subgenre, releases a video in which a woman who looks a lot like you, wearing exactly the same outfit you wore in your single, perfect WAM photo, does something really rude with a watermelon. It is hailed as a classic of the genre and sells an unprecedented 38 copies.
May 14, 2014, 4:06 a.m.: The white socks guy finally gives up trying to find your home address and heads to YouTube for some new inspiration.
******
1: That until Great Britain learns how to obtain Cool whip, it will have to be renamed 'Mediocre Britain'.
Hahaha, white socks guy.
Always wondered if he's related to "BRALESSSS!!!!!!!!" Guy in wetlook?
Steve'n'Tara said: Damn.... I missed the top 100 
We should get someone to read these out in an Alan Freeman - top 40 style with the top 40 music theme. 'Alright mate, not arf'
I will add mine anyway....
0. .... Steve (my husband), doesn't understand the concept of small quantities.
-1. .... You can buy 20 tins of spaghetti at the self checkout, but you buy 20 other item you didn't really need as well to make it look less suspicious.
-2. .... It is totally amazing what will go down a plug hole.
-3. .... No amount of tarp will catch that one great pie splat
-4. .... You might plan to keep that paddling pool. But it always goes in the bin.
-5. .... The nastier the goo, the faster my heartrate
-6. .... Mess makes me giggle
-7. .... 3 hours after a session. You find a baked bean in your ear
-8. .... Hoping your house visitors won't go in the garage and look under the sheet
-9. .... Driving to the recycling bins with 80 badly cleaned jam jars
-10. .... Hosing down a polythene sheet on the lawn at 2am
Love ya all
Tara xxx
We should get someone to read these out in an Alan Freeman - top 40 style with the top 40 music theme. 'Alright mate, not arf'
I will add mine anyway....
0. .... Steve (my husband), doesn't understand the concept of small quantities.
-1. .... You can buy 20 tins of spaghetti at the self checkout, but you buy 20 other item you didn't really need as well to make it look less suspicious.
-2. .... It is totally amazing what will go down a plug hole.
-3. .... No amount of tarp will catch that one great pie splat
-4. .... You might plan to keep that paddling pool. But it always goes in the bin.
-5. .... The nastier the goo, the faster my heartrate
-6. .... Mess makes me giggle
-7. .... 3 hours after a session. You find a baked bean in your ear
-8. .... Hoping your house visitors won't go in the garage and look under the sheet
-9. .... Driving to the recycling bins with 80 badly cleaned jam jars
-10. .... Hosing down a polythene sheet on the lawn at 2am
Love ya all
Tara xxx
Hi, Tara! I'm glad to see that you've made a couple of posts lately! Any chance we might see a "comeback"? :lovestruck:
Norman
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