Bi middle-aged cis male, widower, single at the time of writing. More in-depth profile on Fetlife.

Having a big, sticky bubble gum bubble burst over your face and into your hair is the closest you can get to having someone pie you, or gunge you, outside your control, on your own. If you'd like to have that experience and don't have someone to do the dirty deed, see whether a face full of gum gives you what you need.