What Would You Do is back for its 30th anniversary, and not a moment too soon! A generation of adults grew up on Nickelodeon shows like this one, and they're craving nostalgic programming to transport them to a simpler time. Which is why the young people of today are turning to a show known for the ritualistic humiliation of unsuspecting audience members. It's good clean fun, baby! And Marc Summers is ready for his next victim.

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"Alright audience," Marc says with his trademark enthusiasm. It's been nearly 30 years, but he can still bring the energy. "I'm looking for an athlete! I need one person to play a game with me, a man or woman, someone who thinks they're athletic."

Hands shoot up, and Marc is determined to pick just the right contestant. He walks up the aisle and spots a preppy looking man with impeccably styled hair, sitting in an aisle seat about three rows back, looking like he's trying really hard NOT to get noticed. He's a young, fit Asian guy, and he has the look of someone who was told he might get the chance to be on TV today, but also knows that being on TV on this particular show could end really badly. He's not raising his hand, but that doesn't matter to Marc. Deep down, he knows reluctant contestants are often the best contestants, especially when they learn that winning earns them a worthless prize, but losing is far worse. He sticks his microphone in the guy's face.

"Ah yes, you, young man, what's your name?"

The guy stays seated, frozen in disbelief that he's actually been picked. I'm going to be on TV! he thinks to himself. Oh no, I'm going to be on TV."

"Uh, I'm J-Jamie," he stammers.
"Jamie, great!" Marc says. "Well why don't you join me up on stage and we'll play a little game!"

The audience applauds heartily as Marc and Jamie run up to the stage, where a table is set up with a black covering on it. A stand of some kind is next to the table, about shoulder height. It too is covered by a black cloth.

Marc starts to set up the game. "We've got a special guest to help us play our game today. Everybody give a nice What Would You Do welcome to our friend Kerry!"

The audience applauds again, as a smiling young man bounds out to the stage. A slender yet toned twenty-something with coiffed blond hair, dressed in a sleeveless tank top and running shorts that show off his muscular physique, Kerry oozes confidence. He's the kind of All-American dude that every guy wants to be, and every girl (and many guys too!) wants to be with. Jamie goes in for a handshake, but Kerry completely disregards it and gives him a big hug, as if he's known him for forever, not just the last 3 seconds.

"Now Jamie, Kerry is a fitness instructor, and he's gonna challenge you to a game to see just how good of an athlete you are." Marc removes one of the black coverings to reveal a yoga mat. "It's a yoga challenge! Kerry is going to demonstrate three yoga poses for you, one at a time. When I say 'go', you'll have 20 seconds to get into that yoga pose, and hold it for five seconds before time is up. If you can do that two out of three times, you win the game and we'll give you a token for the Wall O' Stuff, how does that sound?"

Jamie lets his guard down and shouts enthusiastically, "I like the sound of that!"

"However! If it turns out you CAN'T complete the pose successfully, you know what's going to happen then?"

Jamie just crashed back to earth. "No," he says nervously. "No idea."

"Laura, can we show Jamie what he's going to get, please?" Laura, the college intern acting as Marc's assistant of the day, comes on stage holding a cream pie, a wide smile across her face. An audible groan comes from the audience.

Marc jumps back in. "That's right Jamie. For each pose you don't complete successfully, Kerry here gets to throw a cream pie right in your face!" The audience starts to applaud as a nervous smile creeps across Jamie's face. "And, if you don't complete ANY of the poses, we've got an EXTRA special surprise for you. You still feeling confident?

Jamie's trepidation is written all over his face. He raised his hand earlier, but not for this. "Oh gosh, I'm not sure about this..."

But Marc had more. "Well if you're gonna do this, you might as well look the part, so we've got a special outfit for you!" He unfurls the second black cloth, revealing a mannequin sporting a lavender cutoff tank top and periwinkle leggings clearly a women's yoga outfit. The camera cuts to Jamie's face, which is partially obscured now that his palms are cupping his mouth, hiding his disbelief.

"Don't go anywhere, because we're gonna have Jamie change into this and see how he does with our Yoga Challenge right after this!"

During the break, Jamie is quickly led to a small dressing room off-stage. To his surprise, despite not being made for his gender, the outfit fits reasonably well. His broad shoulders, built from years of upper body work, make the cutoff top a tight fit, but it'll do. It stops just before his belly button, leaving quite a bit of midriff showing above the yoga pants, which look flattering on his toned butt, but are definitely a tight squeeze on his crotch. He spies himself in the mirror and immediately feels very self-conscious, knowing that his bulge is about to be on national TV.

Finally, Jamie returns to the stage and takes his place next to Marc, who eyes him as though he knows what's about to happen to this poor guy. He can't help himself. Before the stage director counts him down, he mumbles to Jamie in the cheeriest Marc Summers way possible, "You are so fucked, Jamie. We picked some impossible poses, you'd better get ready to get really messy."

Marc gets counted down, and we're back!



FIRST POSE
"We're back here on What Would You Do, and our athlete Jamie here has bravely accepted a yoga challenge which will have some messy consequences if he's unable to complete it. It looks like Kerry's ready for our first pose. Are you ready, Jamie?"

After what Marc just told him, Jamie tries (and fails) to suppress his deer-in-headlights look. He lies through his teeth. "Ready as I'll ever be."

Kerry drops to the floor and is all of a sudden on his head, as Marc gestures in his direction. "Our first pose is a simple inversion! As Kerry is demonstrating, you'll balance on your forearms and kick yourself up, and you'll end up balancing on your hands and your head. Look at Kerry, making it look so easy!" The audience ohhhs nervously, simultaneously admiring Kerry's gracefulness (or maybe his body) while recognizing how difficult this will probably be for Jamie.

"Okay Jamie, your 20 seconds starts now!"

Jamie drops to the ground, but once he's there, he clearly has no idea what he's doing. He struggles to put himself in a position to kick his legs up. He can't get stable enough to stand up, and looks afraid of flipping over. The audience starts cheering as they see him struggle. They start counting down.

"5! 4! 3! 2! 1!"

A buzzer echoes throughout the studio, and Marc does what he's done a million times: offers fake sympathy. "Oh no! I'm so sorry Jamie, you ran out of time! You know what that means! Laura, let's give Kerry that pie!"

The audience stirs in anticipation as Laura delicately hands Kerry a pie topped high with cream and in an aluminum tin. Kerry holds it menacingly as he eyes his target, a mischievous smile creeping across his face.

"Kerry, Jamie is a complete stranger to you! Have you ever pied anyone in the face before?"

"No, but I'm really excited to do this to him!"

Jamie can do nothing but stand there, his eyes pleading with Marc to call it off as one big joke, then shifting sadly toward Kerry, communicating to please be gentle. The look Kerry returns to him says that he will receive no such mercy.

Marc ratchets up the tension. "Well Jamie, you couldn't do the pose, now it's time to suffer the consequences. On the count of three Kerry, I want you to deck Jamie with that pie! Here we go!"

"1! 2! 3!"

Kerry rears back and clobbers Jamie with the pie, as the audience responds with wild cheers. Whipped cream flies everywhere, blasting Jamie's face and his hair, and even splattering some unfortunately situated audience members in the front row. Jamie's head jerks back violently from the impact as Kerry smears the pie from side to side, before sending it up through his perfectly styled hair. The pie pan falls off Jamie's head to reveal his cream- and crust-covered face. Chocolate pudding and pie crust slide slowly down his body, leaving a trail of slop on the once pristine tank top before splattering audibly on the ground. Are What Would You Do pies this devastating now? If so, no audience member is safe anymore. Least of all Jamie, who just found this out the hard way, and may be getting a couple more facials before this is over.

Marc cracks up laughing and high-fives Kerry. "Wow, there was some power behind that one! How are you feeling now, Jamie?" He sticks his microphone back in Jamie's face.

All Jamie can utter is "ugh." Jamie wipes his eyes with his hands, trying futilely to clear gobs of pie off of his face.

"Well, we're gonna give Jamie a chance to collect himself, but after this break, we'll see if Jamie can rally to win this game, or if he's got more pies heading his way."

The show cuts to commercial with a slow motion shot of Kerry clobbering Jamie with the pie.

This time, Marc whispers in Jamie's ear, "Told you." Otherwise, he ignores Jamie in favor of organizing the notecards in his hand. After what feels like forever, the show finally comes back.



SECOND POSE
"Welcome back to the season premiere of What Would You Do! We're here with Jamie, who failed to do the first pose in our Yoga Challenge, and as you can see, he got rewarded with a cream pie in his face. Alright Kerry, let's get into position for our second pose!"

Kerry drops to his hands and knees, before gracefully popping his feet up onto his elbows.

"This one is crow pose. You'll be on your hands, balancing your knees on your triceps. Kerry as always, looking so graceful as he does this. Okay Jamie, get in position! Your 20 seconds starts now!"

After wiping the last pie off, Jamie's hands are so greasy that he can't get his feet off the ground without his hands starting to slip. He starts getting frustrated, kicking his feet up only for one of his hands to give underneath him, causing him to fall. He tries again, then falls again. The audience senses he won't make it and starts mocking him with chants of pie! Pie! Pie! They start counting down.

"5! 4! 3! 2! 1!"

Once again, the buzzer sounds. Marc lays on the indifference even heavier. "Oh no! I'm gonna need another pie Laura, bring me another pie!!" Laura emerges to hand Kerry a second pie. This one seems to have even more cream on it, and Kerry's eyes open wide when he feels how heavy this one is. Meanwhile, even with his cream-covered face, Jamie's frustration is clearly evident.

"Alright Kerry, you know what to do! On three, let him have it! Ready, audience?"

"1! 2! 3!"

Kerry grabs the back of his target's head and rocks Jamie with the pie. The audience erupts for a second time, as the whipped cream bomb explodes all over him, even sending his already cream-covered hair flying from the impact. Jamie's body convulses as he reacts to the hit, completely overwhelmed by the sensation and the force behind it. His hands fly up in an utterly useless and extremely late attempt to block the pie. Kerry takes his free hand and shoves Jamie's arms down, clearing the way for him to grind the pie up and down, sending cream and butterscotch pudding up his nose, then finally pushing the pie over the top of his head. The pie pan clatters to the floor, revealing Jamie in a state of utter shock. A ring of pudding and cream encircles his neck like a messy collarbone, as pie mess slides down his body, further destroying his outfit. Jamie coughs as he tries to catch his breath.

Marc clearly loves Kerry's brutality. "WOW, Kerry does not hold back folks! Jamie, what's going on? I thought you were an athlete!"

Jamie stumbles over his words, his dignity barely intact: "I thought so too."



THIRD POSE
"Well, one more pose for you and you're gonna need to do this one successfully to avoid the secret surprise. Kerry, get in position please. This one is called Warrior 3. You'll balance on your right leg, fully extended, and your left leg should be parallel to the ground, and your arms also parallel to the ground as well, shooting in the other direction. Okay, Jamie this is it! Your 20 seconds starts now!"

Jamie is dripping pie cream all over the mat, which makes getting a grip with his right foot impossible. Every time he lifts his left foot off the ground, he has to return it to the mat to regain his balance. Running out of time, he starts trying to force it, but his right foot keeps sliding. The audience knows he's in trouble and the chants of pie! Pie! Pie! start again. They start counting down.

"5! 4! 3! 2! 1!"

The buzzer sounds once more. "That's it Jamie, time's up! Laura, let's bring out another pie!"

Laura comes out and hands Kerry a third pie. This one has chocolate syrup drizzled on top, and Kerry breaks into a wide smile knowing the destruction he's about to cause. He eyes Jamie like prey, picturing all of the guys who have hit on him but that he's had no interest in whatsoever. He regularly received so much attention that he rarely appreciated such boldness. "Finally," he thought, "I can get some payback." Though Jamie has personally done nothing to deserve this other than lying about his athletic prowess, all these mediocre-looking guys are the same to him. They all deserve the same fate.

"Alright Kerry, one more time! On three, I want you to nail him and don't hold back! Smile for the camera, Jamie!"

"1! 2! 3!"

Kerry absolutely demolishes Jamie with the third cream pie. The audience is in hysterics now, as they've seen this once proud man get humiliated not just with pies, but with his inability to be the athlete he claims he is. Red goo explodes all over Jamie's face: cherry pie filling. Cream and cherries wedge themselves up Jamie's nose and in his hair. Jamie's body shudders again, overwhelmed by the sudden trauma. He staggers back a couple of steps, but Kerry is relentless, stepping forward to match him and grinding the pie in a circular motion all over his face, before letting the pie pan fall to the floor. He walks away under the cheers of the crowd and raises his arms in victory. He has conquered him! Take that, mediocre men! Meanwhile, Jamie has a mouth full of cream, which starts oozing out and down his chest, leaving behind a mouth wide open in shock. The cherry pie filling is destroying everything it touches. His outfit is ruined.


THE FINAL COUNTDOWN
Marc absolutely loves Kerry and what he's doing to Jamie. "Kerry, you're a natural! And Jamie, you lost all three rounds, so we have our extra special surprise for you... you're going to the Pie Pod, come with me, my friend!"

The audience is beside itself cheering wildly as they know that Jamie's ordeal is nowhere near over. They don't even know why they're so excited to see this random audience member get completely demolished with mess, but hey, it's funny to watch, so why question it?

Jamie, leaving a trail of pie mess as he walks, climbs into the seat at the Pie Pod. Even beneath the three layers of cream, pie filling and crust, he still can't hide his embarrassment. He finally eyes the instruments set to deliver his final destruction. Five pies, each situated on a cocked arm aimed directly at him; above his head, the ornate bucket with the trap door, a crown emblazoned atop; and four nozzles angled above him in front, behind, and to each of his sides, all of them pointing directly at his head. He sees the audience, all eyes on him. The next minute is about to be a torture ritual, carried about by a jovial-seeming man with a mean streak. Marc wasn't kidding when he mocked him during the commercial break. Jamie can't help but picture himself in a Roman colosseum, about to be sacrificed to the gods of pie for the entertainment of strangers in this studio and on national TV.

Marc eggs the audience on. "Now ladies and gentlemen, we've got our Pie Wash nozzles set up here, as well as the Crowning Glory above Jamie's head. What do you think, should we give those to him too?" The audience cheers wildly in agreement. Were they really going to say no?

Marc points Kerry over to a cord just to the left of the Pie Pod. It's connected to the trap door over Jamie's head. "Okay then! Kerry, I want you take that cord, and when everything stops, just yank on it and we'll see what happens!" He then turns his attention to Jamie. "So Jamie, we challenged you to do three yoga poses, and you couldn't do any! You're about to get five more pies and a nice little shower! Did you ever think you'd get hit with eight pies when you walked in here today?" He puts the microphone in Jamie's frightened face.

"Oh god, no!" Jamie starts fidgeting in his seat, clearly uncomfortable and afraid of what these savages are about to do to him.

Marc can't help but dunk on him one final time. "Well Jamie, this is what happens on What Would You Do when you say you're an athlete but you're not athletic. Let's count it down and see what happens to Jamie. One! Two! Three!"

The Pie Pod starts firing from Jamie's left to his right. The first pie smacks him in the left side of his head, sending more cream into his hair and blasting the side of his face before falling to the floor. The second falls short, hitting Jamie right in the chest of his already destroyed tank top. The third slams right in his face a direct hit! Jamie's head flings back from the surprisingly forceful impact. The plate sticks to his face, temporarily blinding him to the fourth pie, which slams right into the third, blowing Jamie's head back again and showering his body with more cream, before falling off and taking the third pie with it. The fifth hits Jamie between his right ear and his neck, leaving a pile of cream on his shoulder. Even as they see him covered in cream, the audience is still braying for more.

Almost immediately, the chair begins to spin and Jamie gets taken for a ride. The four nozzles begin to spray, taking Jamie and the audience by surprise. Jamie can only hear the squeals of delight coming from the crowd as he gets soaked with heavy, wet cream from all angles, absolutely pummeling him from the chest up. With every revolution, more of his face and hair disappears under a shroud of white, piling onto the cherry, butterscotch and chocolate already coating him. Isn't this overkill? After four turns, the chair stops spinning and the pressure finally starts to fade, the pipes now only emitting intermittent pops of cold, wet cream onto him. By now, all that's left of Jamie is his mouth, which seems to be permanently hanging open from shock.

But even this view is temporary, as Kerry yanks the rip cord, releasing a deluge of thick pink slime all over Jamie. It hits him square on the crown of his head and pools out, temporarily shielding his face from the audience before it slows to a steady flow. Pie cream gets forced off his face, replaced with what feels and tastes like strawberry yogurt. After what seems like forever, the sliming finally slows to a trickle, and Jamie comes to his senses. Despite the pie in his ears, he can hear the audience louder than it's ever been. If he could see, he'd notice that they'd risen to their feet to give him a standing ovation.

For having the audacity to take pride in his athleticism, Jamie has just been destroyed by eight cream pies, sprayed with gallons of wet, clumpy cream, and had a giant bucket of pink slime dumped all over him. The yoga outfit he was given for this segment is barely recognizable: the top is completely ruined, and only the ankles of the blue tights are unscathed, the rest smeared with a viscous, soupy mess of colors. Jamie is in such shock about what he's just been put through that he can only sit there. If anyone could see his eyes, they'd see a blank, million mile stare.

Marc and Kerry are laughing hysterically. The cameras cut to wide shots of the audience, many pointing in Jamie's direction, some shaking their heads, others with their hands over their mouths, all in disbelief about the public execution they just performed on him. Marc finally collects himself and cuts in. "OH YES!! We got him good, ladies and gentlemen! So Jamie, do you think you'll try a little harder next time you're asked to do something athletic?" One last time, he shoves his microphone into Jamie's face.

Jamie says reluctantly, "Yes."

"How about a HUGE round of applause for our contestant Jamie, and our special guest Kerry! We'll be right back!"

The audience showers Jamie with one final rapturous round of applause. As the show cuts to commercial, a slow-motion replay of the five Pie Pod pies slamming into Jamie's face plays, then cuts back to a live shot of something vaguely resembling a once-proud athlete sitting a chair, completely covered in mess. The humiliations of wearing women's clothing on national TV, failing a physical challenge, and being turned into a human dessert are finally starting to set in, much like the spoiled dairy scent that won't come out of his skin for days, a persistent reminder of Jamie's physical shortcomings, soon to be immortalized on TV, and getting a second life on the internet with clips of his five minutes of messy fame. "I'm about to become a meme," Jamie feared, glued to the chair figuratively, if not literally. It was way more than he bargained for when he was unwittingly approached by a stagehand outside the studio and asked if he wanted to be on TV. "I would love to," Jamie recalled saying at the time, not giving it a second thought.

With the show finally on commercial, his ordeal mercifully over, and Kerry long gone without offering even an apology for the brutality he showed him, Jamie is spent. As he looked at his reflection in a nearby monitor, he couldn't recognize himself. Even smothered in layers of slop, so covered that his clothes could hardly even be seen at this point, even then, Jamie never felt more exposed.

As for everyone else, the world is officially on notice. The new season of What Would You Do will be more entertaining, more fun than ever before. But you'd better not lose. Or else, as Marc confided in Jamie, "You are so fucked."