Advisory: I do make fun of Donald Trump in this story. If you don't want to read that part, skip the first part of the "Scenes From a Cream Pie" section of the story.

Whose Pie is it Anyway?

(Key: HC = Harry Cruz; WB = Wade Brainy; DJ = Dave Jeffers. MC = Marlon Cookery; SL = Stivan Lyles; TL = Tory Lorentz)

HC: Adding a pie hat to the Queen, it's Wade Brainy
HC: Doubling up on a Backgammon Pie, it's Dave Jeffers
HC: Keeping a cat's eye on the Cream Pie, it's Marlon Cookery
HC: Not having a pie or a clue, it's Stivan Lyles
HC: And I'm your host, Harry Cruz, and this is "Whose Pie is it Anyway?", the game show where the points don't matter, and the pies keep flying. HC runs down the stairs.

Cut to commercial

HC: (now behind a desk) Hi. I'm Harry Cruz, and this is "Whose Pie is it Anyway?", the game show where the points don't matter, and the pies keep flying. Are first game tonight is "Weird Piecasters", This is a game for all 4 of you. Marlon, you're the anchor of a pie news show. Dave, your Marlon's co-anchor who can't sit comfortably unless sitting on a pie. Wade, you're the sports piecaster who's been abducted by aliens who stuck you with electrodes that caused you to have nightmares about pies. Stivan, you're the weather piecaster who is hit with a pie that's the color of the weather you're reporting. Take it away, Marlon

(entry music plays)

MC: Our lead story: October 17th is the 45th anniversary of John Candy hitting Maggie Trudeau with a pie. Over to you, Dave.

(Dave fidgets in his seat. He fidgets some more. He stands up. He looks at the stool. He brushes it off with his hand. He sits down. He fidgets some more, He stands up again. Marlon rolls his eyes, grabs a chocolate cream pie, and puts it on Dave's seat. Dave sits down, squishes the pie with his butt, and smiles contentedly.)

MC: This just in: Canada has just sent relief to the Southern Hemisphere. It's time for the Sports with Wade Brainy

WB: In baseball news, the Houston Astros (Wade starts to get this terrified look on his face) ,,, Astros ,,, stars (terror increasing) space ships aliens (terror increasing) ALIENS STICKING PROBES INTO MY BRAIN! I'M STANDING ON STAIRS. I'M SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE IN FUNNY COSTUMES. SOME GUY RUNS UP THE STAIRS AND PIES ME IN THE FACE! A LARGE DOOR OPENS ON A STAGE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIR. BEHIND THE DOOR ARE 100'S OF PIES (disbelief starts to join in with the terror) I'M RUNNING DOWN THE STAIRS TOWARDS THE PIES. THE STAGE CREW IS JOINING ME. I'M SMOOSHING PIES ON THEM. THEY'RE SMOOSHING PIES ON ME/ I'M GETTING CREAMED. FINNALLY THE PIES ARE RUNNING OUT (disbelief increasing) I'M STANDING NEXT TO MY PRETTY ASSISTANT. HER FACE IS CLEAN!!! HOW IS IT HER FACE IS CLEAN? (both disbelief and terror are at a fever pitch) A MEMBER OF THE STAGE CREW HAS A PIE. THE ASSISTANT DOESN'T NOTICE HIM. HE HAS HER DEAD TO RIGHTS. HE PIES HER ON TOP OF HER HEAD!!??!!?? (At this point, Wade just stares off into space, oblivious to everything)

MC: I guess it's time for the weather with Stivan Lyles. Styvan?

SL: Tomorrow in the North, there is going to be snow, lots and lots of snow. (Stivan turns to the camera and gets hit in the face with a flying vanilla cream pie. It's a direct hit that covers his face and splatters all over his shirt. Styvan glares at the camera. He shakes his head to dislodge some of the pie. He then turns back to the green screen, which has been splattered with pie.)

SL: In the South, it is going to be sunny and hot (Stivan turns to the camera and gets hit in the face with a flying lemon cream pie. It's a direct his that covers his face and splatters all over his shirt. Styvan snorts at the camera. It seems like steam is coming from his ears. He shakes his head to dislodge some of the pie. He then turns back to the green screen, which is now covered in pie.)

SL: In the West, there is the threat of mudslides (Stivan turns to the camera and gets hit in the face with a flying chocolate cream pie. It's a direct his that covers his face and splatters all over his shirt.)

SL: (Shouting) All right, that's it. There is NO WAY I'm going to get pied for what's going on in the East. There in NO WAY. Do you guys hear me? There is NO WAY. What is happening in the East is RAIN. Let's see you make a pie out of that! (Styvan was right; he didn't get a pie in the face. Instead, he got soaked with the contents of 4 buckets of water.)

MC: And that's the pie news. Good night (the "contestants" return to their seats as the exit music plays)

HC: Great job guys. However, -1000 points for the stage crewman who didn't know that nobody's face should be clean after a pie fight. Now we are going to move onto a game we call, "Song Styles". This game is for Wade, accompanied by Alura Salle on the piano. (Camera zooms in on Alura, who waves.) We need a volunteer from the audience. (Harry walks out into the audience and settles on a women in her mid- to late-thirties. She has short red hair as is wearing a white sleeveless blouse and a tan almost knee-length skirt. She is being goaded by her husband and finally agrees. Harry leads her to a stool in the front of the stage. The stool is ominously sitting on a tarp. The volunteer sits down and Harry returns to his desk.)

HC: What is your name?

TL: Tory Lorentz

HC: And what do you do?

TL: I'm a stunt double for Beryl Cornett.

HC: Really! Well, stunt double Tory, Wade here is going to serenade you in the style of Bing Crosby. Take it away, Wade.

WB: (singing) I'm smooshing you with this cream pie.
(Wade smooshes Tory's face with a chocolate cream pie as he sings. He also twists the pie.)
Just to see the filling drip.
(Tory's husband is whooping it up. The pie is making a mess of Tory's blouse and pooling in her skirt.)
To stain that blouse,
And puddle in that skirt,
Are things that really float my ship

I'm giving you this cream pie hat
(Wade smooshes a banana cream pie on top of Tory's head. Much of the filling lands on Tory's shoulders and back.)
And these sandwich pies as well
(Wade sandwiches Tory's head with two coconut cream pies, Tory's head and blouse are now a complete mess.)
The pies you wear are my delight
And may your head be covered all in white.
(As Wade finishes, Tory's husband whoops it up and claps loudly. Wade helps Tory stand and gives her a big hug, getting messy in the process. Harry brings Tory a towel to wipe her face and leads her back to her seat. Harry returns to the desk,)

HC: A million points for Tory for being such a good sport. Hey, Einstein, (to the camera) how do you like our "Lorentz transformation"?

The show breaks for a commercial.

HC: Welcome back. This is "Whose Pie is it Anyway?", where the points don't matter, and the pies keep flying. Our next game is "Scenes from a Cream Pie". This is for all four of you. We polled the audience for suggestions and put the best suggestions in this fake cream pie for our contestants to act out.

(Wade, Dave, Marlon, and Stivan stand up and form a line onstage. Harry reaches into the fake cream pie and pulls out a slip of paper.)

HP: "Pies inspired by Donald Trump"

(Dave steps forward.)

DJ: "Fake Tan Cream Pie"

(Dave steps back. Marlon steps forward)

MC: "No Tariff Too High Cream Pie"

(Marlon steps back. Stivan steps forward, still drenched and with streaks of cream pie)

SL: "If You Don't Idolize and Worship Me, You can Kiss My (bleep) Cream Pie"

(Stivan steps back. Marlon steps forward again.)

MC: "This Land is My Land, and this Land is My Land Cream Pie"

(Marlon steps back. There is a pause. Harry reaches into the fake cream pie.)

HC: "Unexpected places to get a pie in the face"

(Wade steps forward)

WB: "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned "

(A pie hits Wade in the face. He steps back. Marlon steps forward)

MC: "Ground Control. This is Major Tom " "

(A pie hits Marlon in the face. He steps back. Sitvan steps forward, still drenched)

SL: "-1000 points for the stage crewman who didn't know that nobody's face should be clean after a pie fight "

(The stage crewman catches on to the cue and throws a pie into Harry's face. Stivan steps back. Harry waves a finger menacingly at Stivan.)

HC: 1000 points for Wade for being a sinner. We'll be right back.

(Harry flings the fake cream pie like a frisbee, which is a cue to the stage crew. The camera changes to a view of the stage crew throwing pies into the audience. The camera changes again to show a close-up of Tory and her husband. It is now Tory who is clapping and cheering wildly, as one of the pies has hit her husband in the face.)

(When the show returns from the commercial, a camera shows a tarped contraption next to the audience. The camera then changes to a close-up of Harry, who is still covered in pie.)

HC: Welcome back. This is "Whose Pie is it Anyway?", where the points don't matter, and the pies keep flying. Our next game is "Greatest Hits". This is for all for of you, assisted by Arula Salle on the piano. (Camera changes to a close-up of Arula, who smiles, then switches back to Harry). Marlon and Stivan are TV pitchmen who are trying to sell "Music of the Cream Pie". They will suggest a song and style which Wade and Dave will try to sing. Take it away, Styvan.

SL: We will return you to your feature film, "How to Keep a Clean Face during a Pie Fight" in a moment. Marlon, what do you think of when you hear the word, "rutabaga"?

MC: Why, I don't think of anything, Styvan.

SL: That's good, because I don't think of anything, either. (Marlon looks at Stivan in a snide and questioning way.) I just think it's a funny word. (Marlon nods in agreement.) Anyway, we're here to sell, "Songs of the Cream Pie", a collection of 3.14159 hits on a 1-inch CD.

MC: You know, Styvan, one of my favorite songs on this CD come from the world of Rossini, Verde, and Mozart.

SL: Do you mean what I think you mean?

MC: Yes, I mean "opera", and my favorite opera hit is, "The Cream Pies of Seville"

(Arula starts to play dramatic accompaniment. Camera shifts to Wade and Dave.)

DJ: Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah

WB: Once upon a time I had a life
but it had no meaning and so
I went from town to town just to try
to find a man who would now
I asked a gentleman please for the way
To the Cream Pies of Seville
Yes, the Cream Pies of Seville

DJ: (just after Wade sings "yes the Cream Pies of Seville), I want a pie so a pie you will give
I do not live to pie
I pie to live
O throw my pie (Wade harmonizes)
O throw my pie, O throw my pie
At me-ee-ee
(A pie hits Dave in the face)

WB: I picked up some pies (Dave harmonizing)
And I threw them around
I hope you understand
The moj' that I found
Getting stronger and stronger as I throw
I'm here and I'm there and I go, go, go
And I just can't get over the thrill
And when I run out of pies, I just say
Seville! (As Wade sings "Seville", the stage crew removes the tarp to reveal a giant catapult armed with 6-foot diameter, 1-foot deep heaping cream pie.)
The cream pie of
Both, (with Dave harmonizing): Seville!

(As Wade and Dave sing "Seville", one of the stage crew releases the catapult. The pie drips cream and filling on all it flies over, and then lands amid a group of seniors from a local university sorority, who are covered from head to toe with cream, crust, and various types of pie filling. The camera switches to a close-up of Arula Salle, who, in the spirit of the occasion, pies herself in the face. The contestants return to their seats.)

HC: A billion points to Arula for pieing herself. (Camera again shows a close-up of the self-pied Arula, then returns to Harry.) That's our show for tonight. Wade, Marlon, and Styvan will read the credits as, who else, the 3 Stooges. (Two carts of pies are brought on stage. The contestants don't even try to read the credits. They just throw pies at each other, mimicking 3 Stooges scenes. Dave and Harry join in. Meanwhile, several carts of pies are brought into the audience, and a pie fight starts there as well. As the credits roll, the camera switches between the two pie fights until, when the credits are finished, it fades to black.)