Two brightly coloured wheels rumbled onto the stage. The larger of these listed a variety of types of food or drink. Labels included "burrito", "ice cream sundae", "hot dog" and "mutton dressed as lamb" etc.

The second wheel included starker choices relating to the removal of clothing including the likes of "topless", "remove one item" and the more worryingly "naked!"

Ivona looked genuinely crushed to have jointly won a game and have triggered an audience vote. Harrie was nervously laughing, her pale skin breaking into goose pimples. Danielle stared stonily, and Ali and Maia exchanged a few stifled giggles.

"Before we reveal the punishment that two girls will face let us firstly reveal in reverse order the voting!"
"In last place with only 7%, Stephanie!"
The chubby Scot may have been stripped to her knickers in the last round but she was spared further indignity and celebrated by wildly smirking at the other contestants.

"Also avoiding the wheels is Maia on 10%"
Maia seemed to mouth "disappointing.." into the camera as she traipsed off the stage in her hightop trainers and boxer shorts.

"Hanako and Ivona both on 13%"
Ivona celebrated wildly as the -amazingly- fully clothed Croatian waltzed off the stage arm in arm with Hanako.

That left three contestants. Ali, in her cut-off jeans and t-shirt moved to the middle of the three, placing an arm each around the nervous Harrie and the thunderously angry Danielle.
"The two girls who will face the wheels of punishment are..
..Harrie and Danielle!"
Harrie shook her head as she rubbed her blue painted fingernails through her hair. Danielle placed her hands on her hips, widened her eyes and acted as if she expected as much. Ali gave each of them a hug as she walked off the stage, relieved!

The First Wheel

As Harrie came second overall she had the honour of spinning the smaller wheel with the non-messy forfeits on. She had a dreadful knot in the pit of her stomach at the thought of throwing away all of that carefully guarded mystique. As she was in a one-piece swimming costume the only chance of saving her modesty was to land on a space marked "hair today, gone tomorrow". She didn't like the thought of that much either!
Slightly tipsy from the earlier alcoholic round and remembering how much debt her shopping sprees had left her in, she grasped the wheel with her slender porcelain fingers and whipped it round in a clockwise direction.

With a creak the wheel came to stop on "topless". The male voices in the audience roared their approval.
Harrie's stared crimson faced into the camera and uttered the words "I'm not doing it."
"Oh you're not are you?" murmured Gez "I'd like to remind both of you of that contract you signed. Remember that you've all brought a special person on this show as a guarantor. I would hate to see them end up in Lucinda's clutches"
Both girls acquiesced with a nod.

As the clamorous male choir rose, Danielle placed her hands behind her back in perfunctory pattern and unclasped her bikini top. It fell to the floor revealing Danielle to be more than a little on the flat-chested side more mosquito bites than breasts.

It was Harrie's turn next. Rather awkwardly she was wearing an all-in-one swimsuit. Moving down the shoulder straps of the black, backless garment and slid down below her waist. Whilst Harrie by no means had silicon-enhanced, page three knockers her cheeks blushed as she revealed her to have flawless C-cup orbs in comparison to her Welsh counterpart. To the wolf-whistles of the crowd she did the best she could trying to tie the straps of her swimsuit to her waist.

The Second Wheel and the Forfeit

Danielle removed her right hand long enough from her chest to tug at the wheel displaying various food substances. It was fairly obvious that these were the substances in which her and Harrie were about to be covered in. With a creek the wheel moved past "Strawberries & Cream" to land on "Bloody Mary".

As the camera zoomed out from the frightened faces of the two students and the show went to a commercial break. Lucinda Crow had an opportunity to engage in one of her hobbies, rope bondage using some ancient Japanese techniques. With both topless students back to back she skilfully bound them so that their hands were behind their backs, their legs tied in a kneeling position and the rope was across their waste so as to take the girls full weight.
Hoisted and hog-tied back to back, the girls faced the first element of their punishment. A gaudily painted cannon rose next to them. As the rope began to twirl, the cannon disgorged it's contentsa gritty storm of rock salt. Danielle closed her eyes and gritted her teeth whilst Harrie screeched in shock.

After the cloud of salt subsided, Harrie addressed the crowd "You don't want to know where most of that went.it's so gritty and dis-GAH!!" Harrie was cut off as the rope plunged the two contestants into a vat of crushed ice. As the rope was withdrawn the girls were pulled up: shivering and spluttering. Harrie's bob was now plastered over her face.

Chest heaving Danielle tried to compose herself. Her nipples were bullet-hard and her skin shiveringly glossy. Lucinda's assistants approached each girls with an elaborately large bottle of oversized vodka.

"Well, are you going to give me a shot then??" Danielle remarked witheringly to the buxom blonde former audience member. The glass was lifted to her lips for a taste "So how does it feel to be Lucinda's little lap dog??"
Danielle's reward for her cheek was a shower of vodka liberally applied to her hair and chest.
The Latino girl attending to Harrie was a good deal more gentle but still could not stop the pale redhead wriggling in discomfort.

As the two girls spun around large canteens of horseradish sauce were sloshed over them. Danielle was spitting and spluttering as the lumpy white substance coated her face, running down her pan-flat chest and forming streams down her thighs. Harrie had worse problems: with her swimsuit no longer attached by straps around her shoulders she was fighting to keep it around her waist. She was contorting her legs with her face displaying a look of immense concentration.

"Lemon!" Lucinda Crow grabbed Danielle's foot, to her obvious wide-eyed surprise, and unceremoniously used it to juice half a lemon. She repeated the trick with the next foot and moved onto Harrie. "Oh God!" she cried as Lucinda started squeezing the lemon between her toes "That is serious-ly uncool! You're such a freak Lucinda!!" In retaliation Lucinda slid her fingers over Harrie's swimsuit waist and pulled. The audience crescendoed in admiration as Harrie's slim (bordering on bony) backside was revealed at the same time as the neatly trimmed brown hairs around her Venus mount. Lucinda continued until the whole swimsuit was in her hand leaving her victim utterly naked!

"A FAKE redhead I see-" Lucinda almost spat the words into Harrie's ears.
Finally Lucinda brought her face next to both girls' ears and whispered callously
"If you know what's best for you, you'll put these in your mouth and suck." Lucinda plucked out two quarter lemons and placed them between each girl's teeth. They were not going to disobey her and they bit down and sucked hard.

The girls were again lifted up by crane and saw alarmingly that they were floating above a liquid, dark brown concoction. After some creaking and groaning, gravity took over: the girls were plunged downwards. The piquant, fishiness of Lea & Perrins Worcester sauce filled the girls' mouths and nostrils. Three seconds later two glossy, translucent wriggling shapes were plucked out: dripping, shivering and with legs kicking violently.

Harrie found the whole situation so bizarre that she burst into hysterics. Every boy who had ever idolised her mysterious exterior and cool, collected demeanour now had seen her naked and smelling somewhat of fermented anchovies. Yet she knew what she had signed up for and just had to go with it. Danielle, on the other hand, just looked utterly pissed off.
Lucinda appeared above the pair with a quite terrifying looking machete in her hand. As the girls were eyeing this weapon a deep crimson pool appeared some distance below them tomato juice!

"Any last words before I drop you both?"
Harrie smiled up at Lucinda "I think you missed your calling as a cocktail waitress." the fake sweetness hit home somewhat with Danielle who smiled too. Lucinda swung her blade, skilfully severing the rope and plunging the two girls into the pool with a tremendous splash.
Danielle skilfully pulled her body into a ball shape, Harrie was spread-eagled and her body slapped under the surface. The cool, thick liquid enveloped them both. Danielle shook her head and exhaled as she emerged, her hair was a matted tangle. The clamminess of the tomato juice was firing sensory neurons from every inch of her.
As she began a lazy breast stroke she grabbed the arm of the still submerged Harrie and hauled her above the water. Harrie spluttered and spat the juice out unclassily and doggie paddled to the edge of the tank.

The camera cut to Gez
"While our two topless lovelies get out of the tank and prepare to re-join the rest, it's time to introduce the next round. Now we don't just want to give money to students to just spend on alcohol, clothes and dare-I-say the odd controlled substance" Gez made a snorting gesture as he said this. "We need to make sure that the money given away can really benefit society. For our next round we allocated our private detectives to follow the students to make sure they weren't up to no good, we planted secret cameras in their houses and we even went through their rubbish! We'll see the footage after the break!"

"Now." Gez looked at the camera "We are going to explore whether these students really deserve having their full tuition fee paid by us. To do this we are looking at secret camera footage of how they really spend their time at University. Three students are going to be safely into the next round. That means that four students are going to be facing the double head to head after this round!" Cue cheers from the audience, hungry for more action after Danielle and Harrie's forfeit.

"Two-thirds of the voting for who most deserves the money will be done by you the public. But one-third is by a panel. To help Lucinda and I out we need someone who is erudite, educated and used to wielding power. Please welcome our government's Minister for Efficiency, Lord Augustus Abraham Hawthorne of Chipping Campden!"
Lord Hawthorne lumbered onto the stage. He wore a three-piece pinstripe suit with a white shirt and red tie. Boos rang out from the audience as the profoundly obese and ugly peer took his place on the panel. He was renowned as a rabid advocate for slashing student places and a snobbish defender of privilege.

First up was Stephanie. The chubby Scot padded her way into the large chair above the steaming purple and yellow gunge. She was clearly nervous and now faced the three panellists across from the gunge tank.
"Let's have a look at your best bits" The video montage showed Stephanie emerging from a clearly alcohol induced slumber at around 11.30am in an incredibly frumpy dressing gown. Opening the fridge she grasped a tub of butter clearly marked with her house-mate's name and used it to butter her toast and moved aside her plates from last night into a the already full washing bowl. Hungover and without make-up she was definitely not the best sight in the world. Sighing at her lecture timetable for confirmation of her already missed lectures she settled down in front of a trashy show that mocked poor and stupid people for their inadequacies.
The camera cut to six hours previously, in a terrible and generic nightclub. As a mortified male fresher underwent his rugby team initiation, Stephanie bent over him and extracted a tequila shot from his navel. To his obvious embarrassment her tongue rather lingered and her face had a wicked grin on it as she withdrew it. The video ended.

The old pinstriped dinosaur, Lord Hawthorne parted his lips "So it's fair to say that you take advantage of anyone and everyone you meet?"
"Erm.." Stephanie stuttered "I try not toit's just you knowsometimes you live your own life and people just get in the way and plus that video was soooo unfair. It only showed a 24 hour period"
"Well.." Lucinda cut the discussion short "I thought that body shot was priceless. Before we decide whether to drop you in the slop of not we would like to offer you the chance to show us that you can take it as well as give it out"
Stephanie's face creased with embarrassment but the lurch in her stomach at exposing her belly was nothing compared to the anticipation of being gunged. "I'll do it, okay" she stammered "I know I've not been the best friend or student and I've been lazy and erm..stuff but please, please don't chuck me in that fucking gunge. I am, deep down, a good person!" She reluctantly peeled off the straps of her top and reclined as the chair tipped back automatically.
Lucinda took control. "Right" callously disposing of her t-shirt to leave her clad only in her pink underwear. "Ten pounds for every boy who does a shot, fifty for every girl! She has a nice, deep bellybutton." Stephanie glowered at Lucinda's reference to her less than supermodel figure. Lucinda carried on her right hand a tray of brownish tequila jelly.
What followed was fairly unceremonious for the poor Scot. So many tongues lapped at her navel that she lost count. A series of both embarrassed and lairy lips sucked at the limes between her teeth. Lucinda succeeded in cajoling and coercing a series of volunteers. Stacks of notes changed hands.

A sense of calm lapped over Stephanie after this ordeal. Surely were not going to dump her in that slop after this. She smiled meekly at the panel.
"What's your opinion M'lord?" asked Lucinda.
The peer's ancient lined face crinkled at the pudgy girl in the pink underwear. "You my dear represent the worst vacuous excesses of today's youth. Durham is an ancient and prestigious university and you have disgraced it by your actions today. You have made a complete and utter spectacle of yourself today. You are thoroughly deserving of this"
He winked at Gez, who pulled a lever.
"No, no, no!" screamed Stephanie "You arseholes!!!" Stephanie's Scottish brogue was cut off by a splatter of gunge hitting her hunched shoulders and hair. As the machine's mechanism clanked into action she was thrown like a cannonball and was submerged with a surprisingly loud splash. The purple goop chilled her to her core and covered every inch of her body. She re-emerged, a shaking mass of tangled hair, her expression one of shock and dejection. As she hurriedly attempted to leave the tank her bare feet slipped on the floor and the purple and yellow blob lay spread-eagled on the studio floor. There were roars from the audience at her embarrassment.

Ivona was next up. Her hands pushed back her shoulder-length hair away from her face. She had nearly won the last game but was unwilling to surrender her tight tartan jeans for a chance of answering the final question. She hopped up slightly boyishly to the seat.
"Well Ivona. A couple of middle of the road performances. No wins. No head to heads. No forfeits. All your clothes. You've flown slightly under the radar haven't you??"
"Well you say in English." her English was good but a Croatian accent remained, adorably so "Slow and steady wins the race."
"Well we'll see about that" remarked Lucinda callously. "Here are your best bits" She queued up the montage
The camera focused on her leaving her arguably tidy student flat for lectures at 8.25am. She stopped off for a takeaway coffee and proceeded to her lecture on Classical Philosophy. Emerging from this she proceeded to the University library with a blonde-haired fresh-faced friend. As evening fell she ventured to an open mic light where she read a poem that she had written.
To Lord Hawthorne's trained ears it did not quite scan, some of the lines a little clumsily written but it was heartfelt and showed potential. She later went to the student cinema for an art-house screening with four of her friends.
As the film cut out it was obvious that the panel were shaking with rage a little less than after the vignette of Stephanie's existence. The Lord addressed her first:
"You have a number of impressive qualities Ivona. But I am interested in the future growth of this country. What are your plans after graduation?"
"I intend to stay in this country and get a job in sustainable development. I can speak four languages and I really like it in Britain."
"Hmit seems to me that a talented Brit could do that job BUT your exam results are very impressive. As a member of Her Majesty's Government we would be happy to have you stay here. But let's look at your coursePhilosophy??? Useless right?"
"No, a common misconception." Hawthorne had stumbled upon a question that Ivona had to answer often. "I learn a lot of approaches to management, people skills, how to operate ethically in a changing modern world and statistically Philosophy graduates have more earning potential than many other degrees" Ivona knew she had to fight her corner to avoid ending up in that horrid murky gunge.
"Ok" stated Hawthorne "Walk" Ivona hopped down from the platform and jigged out of the studio. Lucinda was grabbing furiously at the arm of Lord Hawthorne's shirt.
"Cut the cameras, we will go to a break."

Lucinda turned her face towards Hawthorne and cut the electricity to her mic as she addressed him.
"How can you just let her walk away? THAT'S NOT HOW THIS GAME WORKS!"
"Why do you want to humiliate her then?"
"Well she's walking around smugly in her barely stained clothes, I felt she deserved a touch of the Lucinda Crow treatment."
"I know your type Crow!" Hawthorne spat "You're a sadist. You get kicks from humiliating people"
Gez interjected to play the role of peacemaker. "Ok you two. We're gunging those we feel are undeserving and letting those get away clean who we feel are deserving. Our votes are being combined with the public votes too. The bottom four are heading into our double head to head. Why not say that if there is an individual who the public feels is undeserving of the money but who we already let walk away clean can have the full Crow treatment before we enter the head to head."
Lucinda and the Lord eyed each other and shook on the deal.

Ali was next up. She confidently strolled onto the stage her blonde hair still in a ponytail. Ali had destroyed Lisa in a head to head and had narrowly missed winning the drinking competition game. She still wore her converse sneakers, Jean shorts and a now stained light yellow vest top.
"Let's see your recordings." Ali was shown fiddling distractedly with her phone in her lecture, before leaving for her TopShop job. Her workday was fairly quiet, Lincoln not being the most buzzing City. She mainly spent the time talking to her friend Kris, texting and aimlessly folding clothes.
So night time arrived. Ali was clad in a perfectly fitting black cocktail dress accessorized with silver heels, body glitter and her hair up rather than in the functional ponytail she wore in studio. Rather than the natural, fresh-faced beauty she portrayed in the studio she was sensual and ravishing. Her friend Kris was kohl-eyed cute in a more modest white dress, Unsurprisingly the girls barely bought a drink all night.
Similarly unsurprising was the fact that Ali did not go home alone that night, ending up wrapped around the arm of a Lincoln City left-back who subsequently took Ali home, the final shot was them leaving in a taxi.
Ali's face was slightly shocked, a little embarrassed and smiled ruefully. "So" remarked the Lord, his toad-like face contorting as he spoke the words "In my view the WORST excesses of contemporary feminism is the idea that it is acceptable for a woman to go out, drink as much as men and go home with whoever you choose. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"I don't feel ashamed" said Ali "But your video showed a single night. I have to get a job through Uni and my nights out are how I blow off steam"
Lucinda's objections to Hawthorne's views were only tempered by her desire to humiliate the otherwise unsuspecting Alison.
"Now Ali. Your conquest for the night had a long-standing girlfriend. Let's bring out Ashleigh!"
Ashleigh was a fake-tanned, short skirted, scouse harpy. She eyed Ali angrily from beneath her black hair extensions. Ali's hands were over her mouth, what was going to happen??
"Now Ali, this is your task to try to convince us not to drop you in the slop. You have to make Ashleigh happy that you are very, very sorry for sleeping with her boyfriend."
Ashleigh instructed Ali to kneel near her stilleto'd feet. Ali looked up at her and stammered "I am very, very sorry"
"Don't talk to me you Uni slag. Pick up this bucketand pour it over your head!"
Ali did as instructed, lifted the bucket and poured
a slow stream of thick black sauce cascaded over her blonde face to rapturous applause from the audience.
"Now bitch" Ashleigh removed her stilettos, dipped each one in a bucket of gloopy double cream "Lick it"
Ali pushed her sticky brown tresses to one side and gingerly lapped Kristal's right foot with her tongue. The noise of the crowd indicted that they were somewhat disbelieving and wondered where it would end.
"I want you to lick them completely clean and say these words. I am a dirty fucking slag!"
Ali sat bolt upright. Looked her in the eye and said "No. I'm not the one who needs to be grovelling on her knees right now, you need to talk to your boyfriend Darrell." Satisfied that anything she did would never be enough for Ashleigh she got up and walked back to her position above the gunge tank.
A video link appeared on the screen. Lucinda addressed Ali.
"We thought that this would happen Ali. So we have a back-up plan to punish you and show you the consequences of your actions"
A girl dressed tight black jeans and a black Vans t-shirt appeared on the screen bound to an x-frame. Ali's eyes widened in shock. It was her friend Kris. Her feet were bare and there appeared to be thick black tape around her elbows, waist and ankles. The look on her face was one of pure terror and she was surrounded by a mass of pipework.
"No, no, no! Don't do this to her!" Ali begged.
"Too late!" remarked Lucinda with glee "3-2-1"
Kris screamed as a mass of black chocolate sauce cascaded down on her. A high-pressure hose spat out a jet of white cream.
As Kris struggled with the restraints on her wrists and ankles something worse than the pelting was happening from above. There were pipes and hoses entering her clothes. Sticky liquid was filling her jeans and t-shirt. Her clothes bulged as the thick tape prevented the liquid exiting. As the cute little girl with the bobbed haircut shouted obscenities at the camera it cut out, leaving Ali to imagine her response afterwards.
Ali felt a knotted mass of shame at what she had dragged her friend into; as well as anger at Lucinda and her cronies.
"Just drop me in the gunge please." she spat at the panel. The chair flung her into the purple and yellow pool completely saturating Ali. The gungey mass got to it's feet and exited the tank and angrily flicked double middle fingers at the panel.

"Now, Hanako next up."
Hanako walked onto the set with conviction. She had time to shower and get her exotically cut hair back into order. Hanako was in the dangerous position of wearing just a black backless swimsuit and was determined to avoid any forfeits.
"So Hanako" her eyes seemed to bore into the Japanese-born girl's soul "You enjoyed your fish guts first round?"
"They were really gross" Hanako smiled nervously before her facial expression turned more steely "I wonder what else you've got planned."
"Well you can wonder all you wantlet's see your secret camera footage!"
Hanako was at first filmed in a Student Union cafat an anime society function. She was one of two females amongst a fair few spectacled and goose-pimpled guys and as a result was pretty much holding court. After this Hanako walked the short distance to her University labs and buzzed in with her student ID.
Despite her still being an undergraduate Hanako was assisting with plant research. Her face was a picture of studied concentration as she transferred pollen from one plant to another. Hanako exchanged some glances and banter with a male fellow researcher regarding the topic of fertilisation. Hanako's phone vibrated
"Helena, yeah, I'll be out in a sec."
She swiped out earlier than normal and bolted out of the lab to link arm in arm with a taller and more square-shouldered white girl with dreadlocks.
Lucinda interjected "Here we lost visual on Ms Mori here, but we picked her up later." Hanako and her friend Michelle were deep in inaudible conversation on the front row of Manchester Academy. the Gazette strode onto the stage, five Japanese boys with incredibly high-maintenance hair. As the slick and polished rock music pounded out through the venue Hanako and Helena moshed away before being filmed on their way back to the car.
The panel had somewhat less scraps to feed on than for Stephanie and Ali. Lord Hawthorne addressed the Japanese born Yorkshire lass:
"So, you're interested in plants right. How does plant research benefit us humans?"
"Well" the naturally quiet girl sought a response to the peer's questioning "Any plant research is going to benefit the poorest people on Earth." Hanako grew into the answer as she spoke "The poorest people on the planet depend most on subsistent agriculture. The research that I do impacts most on them by improving crop yields and, in a way that is friendly for the planet, gives them control of their own lives."
"Well." says Gez "while some of us may have issues about your taste in music our literature. We don't doubt the effort that you put into your degree. Suffice to say we are not dumping you in the gunk; but the audience can make up their own opinion."

Hanako's bare feet padded out of the studio, pleased to be walking away free. With her arms folded across her chest, Danielle waited at the door.
If the audience thought that Danielle had another side to her other than her competitive type-A personality they were mistaken. Her video was almost all one long training montage: pounding the streets of Oxford, almost destroying a rowing machine and retiring to the library for a protracted revision session.
The only spanner in the works was the sheer amount of alcohol that the Welsh valley girl made good could pack away in an evening. Six pints of lager were polished off during a late session at a fairly quiet union bar. At this hockey club social, Danielle was clearly the centre of attention and flirted light-heartedly with some male rowers from a different college, twisting her auburn hair and engaging them with her wide and gemstone-like eyes.
Unlike Ali though, Danielle swapped numbers and left early, walking home with a female friend.
Lord Hawthorne eyes fixated approvingly on the young, bright, Welsh flesh. "I am so glad to have met someone so full of life, driven and capable of such academic rigour. If you ever want a job in politics, please just ask."
Danielle nodded a thanks and exited, her arms were never unclasped from around her fairly flat chest.

Now showered Harrie contorted her body and hands into embarrassed knots as she covered up her naked body.
Lucinda's eyes sparked into life as the marble-pale redhead walked onto the stage. She was the kind of girl who always managed to get a date on Lucinda's flagship show The Gooseberry, so the chance to humiliate her earlier on was pretty damn welcome.
"So Harrie, I hear you've been getting busy with the waxing strips backstage?"
Harrie's cheeks turned a bright scarlet in recognition that her incongruous brown strip of pubic hair had been safely removed. She skipped over to the chair above the multi-coloured slime and sat down, clasping her knees tightly to her chest.
"So let's see what Ms Harrie Richards gets up to when she's not exhibiting herself on TV shows?"
The secret camera cut to Harrie emerging in a nightgown into her small but smart Dalston flat. After a bowl of muesli she left he living room and re-emerged in an eclectic ensemble of desert boots, functional but fitted jeans and a floral chiffon top.
Harrie's postgraduate degree involved more practical tutorials rather than the undergraduate lecture-style of tuition. She sat in a group of twenty students as they discussed various funding models for art, TV and film. Harrie's interjections were profound and smart, showing that she was pretty passionate about her course.
In the afternoon Harrie sat in an organic coffee shop and hooked up to the Wi-Fi. In-between her essay, making flyers for her many varied events and also some internet shopping. The key-stroke logger saw her struggling between a perfectly serviceable £40 River Island pair of shoes and a more fashionable £110 pair.
Harrie's evening plans saw another change of outfit to a rather oriental ensemble with a shimmering red silk dress. The event that she had organised was a sedate and bespoke affair in a converted warehouse. Acoustic music chimed as well-heeled guests browsed the art on display. Due to her organisational skills it seemed the event was rather successful.
Lord Hawthorne eyes scoured Harrie as he begun his interrogation "You seem a bright and very capable young lady. But this show is meant to cater for those who were in need of paying? You squandered over £100 on those shoes. Explain yourself!"
"I work hard, I don't drink all that much, clothes are my vice, my weakness." Harrie gave a nervous giggle whilst saying this.
"Well, we are offering you a deal tonight. We are going to dunk you for your financial profligacy." remarked Gez seriously. Harrie gulped as the audience cheered.
"But my dear little Harrie" Lucinda took over in her trademark mocking tone "We are also offering you the chance to show us how important clothes are in your life."
Lucinda's two volunteer assistants walked onto stage with three bulging black bin bags and wheeling ten shoe boxes on a trolley. Lucinda brandished a fresh Primark shopping bag.
"Now Harrie no-one can fail to notice that you are completely fucking naked. Half of your wardrobe is also on stage. We are offering you one choice. Surrender your clothes to the whims of the audience and you can get a nice fresh functional bikini, t-shirt and shorts. But you lose those clothes in the bags and boxes FOREVER. The alternative is that you get your wardrobe back but stay naked for the entire rest of the show, even those rounds where we are giving clothes to other contestants."
Harrie was severely conflicted, her arms contorted around her chest. At heart, she was a shy girl who felt very exposed sitting naked on the cold metallic seat. On the other hand she had been spending beyond her means and could not afford to lose the clothes in the bag. She knew that Lucinda Crow had found her weakness and was exploiting it. The male voices in the audience were clamouring for her to stay naked. A lightbulb clicked within her head, if there was an audience vote in this staying naked may be a blessing.
"Lucinda" said Harrie "You really are a cold-hearted bitch. Clothes are my weakness and I'd like to keep them." Harrie looked up and tried her best sultry wink "I'm staying naked"
"Ok" said Lucinda "One more thing." Lucinda walked down from her platform holding a pair of handcuffs in his left-hand. Lucinda's eyes met with Harrie's. "Hands behind your back."
Harrie shook her head and kept her arms clasped across her torso.
"Behind your back or we start chucking your clothes in the crowd."
Harrie relented and the handcuffs snapped shut, displaying her oval breasts to the crowd.
"Dunk her!" Lucinda smiled sadistically as Harrie was expelled, hollering nonsensically, and slapped down onto the surface of the gunge with an inelegant plop. Harrie had nothing protecting her delicate areas from the frigid cold of the gunge. She emerged, spluttering. She was undulating her body to swim to the side of the tank, being unable to use her hands, and skipped rapidly out of the studio. Harrie was dripping slime as she went and the audience welcomed another view of her breasts.

The ball of energy known as Maia Kingsley pounded down the ramp, her Reebok high-tops mounting the stairs. Maia was still wearing an I Heart New York t-shirt but rather incongruously teamed them up with boyish boxer shorts. She was a shapely girl and her colourful gypsy lady and darkly inked anchor tattoo designs were clearly on display. Maia sat down rather more enthusiastically than the other contestants.
"Well Maia" Lucinda glowered. "You've been particularly slow and steady in avoiding head to heads. I hope you've not imagined that I've forgotten about your little assault with the desserts."
"Aww you looked so cute Lucinda" Maia cackled "And you've brought along the nasty piece of work behind the government's arts cuts."
Lord Hawthorne eyed the bolshy, curly-haired bottle-blonde. "I resent being lectured by people who have never had to make a hard decision in their lives."
"Well Maia your best bits."
Maia walked into an art gallery in an ex-factory unit in Leeds. The first piece was a room full of cotton reels with a red fire extinguisher in the middle of it. Maia engaged her friend in a conversation about the "significance" of the red fire extinguisher and how it created a "prominence" and in itself generated a real sense of "value" to the piece.
Outside the camera cut to a conversation between the suited gallery owner and the grey-haired caretaker. the "I delivered the new fire extinguishers and when I went back to the main room after my lunch I found shit loads of cotton reels everywhere, I just left them there in the middle of the room. Serves the arty fucking mincers right."
Suddenly there was a rumble in the studio.Lord Hawthorne had leapt from his seat and pulled the lever.Maia was already airborne before she realised what was happening. She flailed her arms and legs before her complete submersion in the gunk. She popped out, shaking her hair, now flattened against her scalp.
Everyone looked shocked at what Hawthorne had done. He approached the mic:
"I just hate modern art. It takes the craft out of art. The skill. The years of dedicated practice is distilled down to a few knee-jerk gestures. This girl contributes no skill to the British economy"
"But" Lucinda angrily addressed the ageing politician "YOU COULD HAVE WAITED UNTIL AFTER THE VIDEO!"
Maia interjected from inside the tank "You made no effort to understand my art, you didn't even see me in my sculpture studio"
"SHUT UP MAIA!" the judging trio shouted.
"Get her out and wash her down" Maia found herself hauled out of the gunge, smiling rather sweetly. Lucinda's two volunteer minions obliged with directing the gungey blob that was Maia to a space on the mat with wrist and ankle shackles. Maia oddly offered very little resistance as she was fastened down. She was deluged with cold water, a savage and ferocious torrent left her spluttering and somewhat stopped her smiling.
Lucinda rose from her seat and loomed over her, with her wickedly glinting machete back in her right hand. Lucinda waited before the torrent finished before attaching a piece of gaffer tape over her mouth before she could say anything at all
"Now Maia we are going to turn you into a proper artwork here, I don't want you shouting your mouth off. Believe me I have been waiting to get revenge since you first dumped cake in my hair. Right this t-shirt is coming off"
Lucinda crudely hacked around the edge of the t-shirt and with a flourish tore it off. Baiting the prone, spread-eagled art student, Lucinda slid the blade of the machete inside each bra strap. She cut right and left before reaching around the back and undoing it. Maia's large breasts and bronzed curvy stomach were now on show, she could do nothing but glower at Ms Crow.
Lucinda beckoned in a number of arty looking people with blue, yellow and black pots.
"This ladies and gents is liquid latex. These artists are going to use Maia here as their canvas. When it dries it will cling to Ms Kingsley's curves like a particularly revealing item of clothing."
With rough brushes the artists applied the rubbery material onto Maia's bare-chest. By Maia's muffled laughs it was excruciatingly ticklish. As the artists finished it could be seen that an exceptionally detailed version of Van Gogh's starry, starry night was depicted on her chest: the artists were rather less meticulous with the back, pouring the mixture down her back and neck.
"Now that's what I call art" remarked Lucinda sadistically. "Before we leave Maia to dry" Lucinda hurled a bucket of artists clay into Maia's unprotected face, it seemed a little bit OTT. Whilst the judges retired to vote, the spread-eagled art student was left prone on the stage: almost as a warning that Lucinda was not to be messed with.