Round Three:

A chair came sliding across the floor before I could respond to my fiancé's snide comment. It must have slid at least thirty feet before coming to a stop not more than six inches from my left leg. How it managed to stay upright is beside me. I don't know who pushed it my way, but I got the hint.

What . . . what the . . ., I quickly scanned the crowd but did not see who had launched that chair.

Hmm. I wonder . . . what, . . . oh I see, yes . . . I do indeed, see.

A wicked little grin came quickly to my mouth. And Ivanna caught that out of the corner of her eye.

What the hell is he up to . . .,

"Darling," I said turning to Ivanna, "you look tired, why don't you have a seat?" I pointed to that chair, a plain non-descript, red and white, vinal-coated seat on a chrome frame, which I had managed to plant in between the second and third tables. The third table is the one that was loaded with all the cakes.

Knowing how much I loved chocolate, it seemed as if Mr. Harkins had arranged for every other cake to be chocolate. And some of them were quite large.

Again, it seemed as if he was reading my mind, for the cake nearest the end of the table, was also, the biggest. It was a square three-layered monstrosity of almost two full feet to the side. Talk about chocolate. They must have piled on a full two inches of chocolate-flavored buttercream frosting on that sucker. And judging by the thickness, Mr. Harkin's bakers must have really loaded it with a lot of ganache. It just reeked of decadence.

Looking over at the table, Ivanna must have sensed what was coming next.

Oh shit. Nope. Not gonna do that. Uh uh. Oh fuck!.

"I think I'll stand, Bobby. I'm not really tired," Vonni said, with an almost sick look on her face.

"No dear. You look really tired," I said with a sense of urgency in my voice, "I think you need to sit down."

I picked up that large cake, and held it where she could see it, I carefully laid all of that gooey chocolate on the chair.

"Come dear. Have a seat."

"I'm really not tired, honey," Ivanna said, while seeming to be mesmerized by the size of that chocolate cake sitting on the chair, beckoning for her nice rear end.

"Oh, but I insist sweetheart. I wouldn't want you to fall and injure yourself due to fatigue. Please have a seat."

"I INSIST, Vonni."

Ivanna, knowing that command tone of voice, did not brook interference.

"Yes, Bobby," she finally said after a long sigh.

Slowly, as if finally making up her mind to do something really distasteful, Ivanna turned toward that chair, put her back to it, and then . . . sat down, hard, on that cake.

A loud squelching sound came, almost like someone passing gas, as chocolate squirted out in all directions, some even splattering my trousers, as I was too close to her. When she stood up, Vonni looked back at the huge brown mess on the back of her dress. Lifting the mucky dress up just far enough, she looked at the messy brown stain on the back of her brand-new lace panties and then gave me a really, really, dirty look.

"THERE, are you happy now!" Ivanna exclaimed sharply.

Oh shit. She's pissed.

"Honey, I'm sorry," I said contritely, I didn't . . ."

Sploooochhhhh. I didn't see that Vonni had secretly picked up a cake of her own. I felt it now, as all of that chocolate cake, mousse and frosting smashed into my face.

And she wasn't content to leave it at that. That little she-devil drove it in hard, filling my nostrils with chocolate goo, before driving it up over my face and to the top of my head.

As the cake disintegrated into a messy glob of brown gunk, my future wife, the woman that I loved more than life itself, my best friend, took a double handful of that muck and shoved it down into my pants, already so full of pudding. And she really ground it in.

"Oh my . . .," I started, but then stopped, to look down at the mess in my pants. I was panting now, as my nostrils were so clogged with brown gunk that I had to breathe through my mouth. I started coughing, trying to clear my throat of ingested glop.

As I bent over to one knee, Vonni rushed up, concern on her face, "Bobby, are you okay."

I pinched my nose, trying to blow snot out so I could breathe again.

Tears streaked down my muck-covered cheeks as I tried to blow out all of that muck in my nose.

"Oh shit . . . what have I done?" Vonni looked devastated.

"Bobby, I am so sorry . . .what can I do?"

It took about a minute before I could really breath again, and even then, still not normally. I was feeling a little light-headed but started to regain my equilibrium.

"Oh honey, I am so sorry."

Yeah, but not as sorry as you are going to be. Ha!

"It's okay baby," I whispered, just before pouring that bowl of strawberry pudding over Vonni's head.

She hadn't been paying attention to my antics as I moved toward the table with the puddings on it.

"Shit, what the, shit . . . you fucking bas . . ."

Vonni, now wearing several gallons of pinkish pudding over her head and the tops of her shoulders stopped in mid-sentence. She knew how I felt about certain words and phrases.

"NEXT," I shouted in a loud voice.

"WHAT," Ivanna looked up just in time to take that bowl of lemon pudding right in her face. And since she was in the middle of a sentence, my sweetheart ingested a fair amount of the yellow delicacy.

As Vonni stood there, hacking up some of the pudding, while trying to clear her vision with the palms of her hands, I was busy working on number three.

"AGAIN!"

"Whaaaat," Vonni didn't even try to look up this time, just meekly taking the contents of the bowl of 'blue' berry pudding. By now, three colors of liquid muck were running down Ivonna's body, in all directions. She was a total mess.

Ivanna was a complete wreck, and the crowd, whose roaring approval had been steadily climbing, were cheering loudly and with enthusiastic abandon. It seemed as if every single person in that room had a cellphone, and they all were snapping photograph after photograph.

I looked down at a Vonni, who was still in a state of shock. And I knew payback was going to be a bitch.

Oh boy. Well, I would say, payback is going to be a real bitch. Whenever she can regain her senses, that is.