Round One

And now, the time had arrived. Mr. Harkins and his staff had withdrawn to join the spectators. It was just Ivanna and me, standing at that first table. The one with the pies.

"Wow." I said, as I drew a deep breath. "I can't believe this is happening, Ivanna."

"Can you?"

She looked at me, with wonder in her eyes. This most beautiful woman, the woman I had fallen in love with, the most perfect of perfect. Ivanna smiled at me; eyes alight as she slowly shook her head. "No," she mouthed the words.

Thank you, God. I don't know what I did to deserve this treasure but THANK YOU!

"What do you think, Vonni," my nickname for her, "should we count one, two, three go!"

I said this as I handed my betrothed, one of those chocolate pies while taking one for myself.

"No honey," she replied, while holding the missile of mayhem in an unthreatening way.

"You go first," Ivanna continued, this time with a slight chuckle in her voice. "I'll have my say, too."

"Don't you worry," she added, this time a mischievous look coming across her face, "I'll be having my say, too."

"Okay," I said, and then with a resounding SPLAT, I popped that first pie into Ivanna's face. She was an instant mess. Chocolate pudding and whipped cream went everywhere, but mostly on her face. You couldn't see anything of Ivanna's face. And most of that beautiful hair received a hefty dose of the pie as it slathered up her forehead and onto the top of her silky blonde hair. Even the designer dress, that Ivanna had worked so hard to afford, took a healthy load of brown muck over the shoulders and down to her cleavage. Vonni scooped as much of the pudding off her face as she could, and then just stood there, holding it, almost as if in a state of shock.

Wow!

"Oops. So sorry about the dress, Ivanna," I said in a not-so-sincere tone.

"Oh, that's alright, Bobby," Vonni said soto voice, just before she gave me a pie sandwich using two big fat custard pies that she had picked up instead of the one I gave her. "Those things happen all the time," the love of my life said, while smearing that mass of retaliation all down my body, from the shoulders to the waist and even down to the groin.

I can't believe that . . . why that little . . .

After briefly groping the man she loved, Ivanna reached around and planted a big brown handprint on each of my buttocks.

Humph . . . That little vixen grabbed my ASS.

As I used the backs of my hands to wipe away much of the yellow goo that covered my face, I was already thinking retaliatory strike,. As I looked over at Ivanna, standing with a big smirk on her face, I couldn't help but remember another night, one year earlier.

So that's how it's going to be. Okay, okay . . . I had something to say back then, and I'll have something to say about this, too.

"My Turn," I exclaimed in a haughty voice, "Let's see what I can find."

Damn . . . can you imagine that little heifer . . . looking so smug. Well, I'll wipe that look off her face.

"Hmnn, no . . . I don't think so," I said as I passed by the custard pies, "they won't do enough to your blond locks. What about this . . .," I said as I viewed a lemon meringue pie. "Nope, that won't do either."

"Ahh," I exclaimed, "Yes these will do . . . they will do very nicely." My eyes had spotted a pair of really big, gooey cherry cream pies. These were on flans, the big cake-like crusts, and so they could hold a ton of slop. The pudding must have been at least three inches deep. And unlike some of the others, there was no whipped cream to dilute the splatter effect that I was hoping to create when I smashed them into Ivanna's head.

As I turned toward my fiancé with one of those monster pies in each hand, I could see the look of trepidation as well as anticipation, perhaps, on the lovely blond-haired beauty.

"Well, well, well," I said as I slowly approached Vonni. "Look what I have?" I chuckled softly.

"Uh, Bobby," my betrothed said as she slowly backed away, "You're not really going to hit me with those enormous pies . . . are you?"

Oh wow, those are REALLY big pies. Where did he find them?

I watched Vonni's eyes, as she looked for a way out.

Going to the left!

SPLAT, followed by another Splat, louder this time.

Gotcha . . . you always go to the left, Vonni. I know you too well. Ha!

Her long golden locks were drenched in pink slop. Although it wasn't an actual pie sandwich, as Vonni dodged at the last minute and I could only hit her with one pie, at first, I still nailed her with both of them, and it was a case of one on each side. Now her face and head were covered with pinkish grime over the brown chocolate goo from the first pie. And as she scraped away the pink pudding from her eyes, Ivanna looked at me with those poor pitiful puppy dog eyes, as if trying to derive some sympathy.

Nope, not gonna work this time.

As she stood there, with her entire upper half, from the tops of those magnificent boobs to the top of her head, splattered with pudding, Ivanna looked like she was made of pink glop with streaks of brown goo mixed in from the first wave. Cherry pudding still flowed down onto her chest, mixing with the left-over chocolate from the earlier assault.

"You realize, this means WAR, now," Ivanna said, when she finally managed to get enough of the muck out of her eyes so she could see me . . . "and I am going to NOOOOOOOOOO!"

While cleaning that glop from her face, Vonni hadn't realized that I snuck around her and picked up one of those large bowls of chocolate pudding.

"Too Late, Darling! Bombs away!" I said, as I turned that bowl over and out came all of that glorious brown muck onto the top of Vonni's head.

Back to square one! Darling!

"You son-of-bit . . .," Vonni bit off the word, as she knew how I felt about it. And I knew Ivanna would never deliberately say something that would hurt my feelings.

But now, as she, once again, tried desperately to clear her vision, I was able to sneak around and get on Ivanna's flank. And I still had half a table full of large, delicious pies.

"Okay, buddy boy, it's my time," Ivanna said, turning to where she thought I was, only to find out she had been outwitted again. "What the . . ., NOOOO!" my beautiful bride-to-be said, turning too late.

And she knew it.

Splat, Splat, Splat, followed by another louder Splat a few seconds later.

Ivanna stood there, completely covered in goo of various colors, and with an absolute look of bewilderment on her face.

I had hit Vonni, in rapid-fire session with three sloppy, gooey pies; a blueberry, followed by a raspberry and then a banana cream pie, before finally, belatedly hitting Ivanna with a chocolate cream flan that had at least four inches of slimy goo in it. She was an absolute mess by the time I finished.

I stood back, kind of to admire the messy state that Ivanna now portrayed, but also because I was afraid, she might suffocate if I didn't let her have a chance to clear the goo from her nose and mouth.

As I stood there, looking at the woman that I loved more than life itself, I thought back to one of the early songs that made Dolly Parton famous, "Coat of Many Colors." Vonni was covered with multi-colored glop from the top of her head almost all the way to her waste. As she stood there, trying, in vain, to clean off as much of that muck as she could, I could feel a stirring in my loins.

Now as Ivanna stood there, hands on hips, with a look that would curdle milk, or even leave a marine corps drill sergeant quivering in his boots, I gave her the biggest smirk, I could.

"I'm going to ki . . .,"

"I know," I said cutting her off, "you are going to kill me."

Again, I was grinning when I said it. "What is that the 48th or 49th time, now, that you are going to kill me."

She stopped and snorted out a half-laugh through all that gunge on her face. "You beat the cake, you know that . . . you know, you're impossible . . . you know that, don't 'cha?"

But at least Ivanna had a grin on her muck-covered face.

"Yeah, I know. But," I added, "that's why you love me so much." This last came with an impish grin.

"You know, 'I must destroy you,'" Vonni said, doing a pretty good imitation of Dolph Lundgren in Rocky 4 as she swept her arm out pointing at all of the mucky mayhem items just waiting to be used.

"Well bring it on, darling, you know the suspense is killing me," I said as I picked up another pair of those delightful chocolate pies. Vonni, in response to my aggressive approach had armed herself with a couple of pies, too, one of which was custard while the other appeared to be a strawberry cream.

Suddenly, Vonni charged. I stepped in. And all science went out the window. That strawberry cream pie crashed into the left side of my face at the same time as I plopped a big gooey chocolate one on top of her head. Ignoring the slimy brown mess that flowed over her features, Ivanna tossed that custard pie into my face. But not before I unerringly placed that other chocolate pie in hers.

Standing there, staring at each other's muck-covered bodies, we suddenly burst out laughing. Then it was on again.