"They're all crazy!" That's what I was greeted with as I came through the front door. Two dour looking women on my couch sipping wine in front of the fireplace on a freezing January night in 1998. Before I could even say a word as I walked in and looked around, they both hit me with it. Two steps in and closing the front door, I wondered where the rest of them were. "Out back" was all I heard as one of them pointed through my kitchen entry.
Dragging my ass home at 9 p.m. I was hoping that if anyone was left, they were getting ready to leave, but the cars parked in front of my house told me otherwise. As I hung up my coat I could hear voices and laughing and a quick glance showed the outline of a female body in front of the grill on my deck. "Are they still cooking?" I asked over my shoulder into the living room. "No they're baked" was the sarcastic response I got as I headed toward the fogged-up sliding glass doors.
As I pulled the slider open, I first noticed about a dozen lighted candles spread out at different points n the deck and in the snow and I was greeted by Jocelyn, one of Suzy's friends. "Your handsome man's here Suzy Q" she reported as she flipped over something on the grill. "Yaaaa!" I heard several voices chime in together. As I turned toward them, my mind absorbed the scene and I quickly found out what the other two had meant.
My wife had several business interests, including amongst them, a home party sales business specializing in accent furnishings and decorations. During the course of a couple years, she had made friends with a good handful of other women that had similar interests, and they formed a loose confederation with the intention of supporting each other through referrals and other marketing schemes. It had worked out well for them all - adult toys, lingerie, Avon, candles, baking and cooking products, etc. Each of these women represented one or more lines, and they would promote their friends as well, and they all profited while having a good time. And every couple of months, they would meet at someones' house, or a restaurant, and go over business and make future plans. Since we had just redone most of the house and bought new furniture, Suzy decided it was about time to play hostess.
Now, all of these women liked to drink, some more than others, and it was no secret. And with it being a cold winter Friday night, and in a private home, it seems that "more" was the order of business. Apparently every single one of them showed up with a magnum of wine and their food contribution for the evening.
As per usual, they sipped wine, ate their plate of food, and conducted business, but by the end they had sipped a lot of wine - and decided it was time to stop conducting business because some of them were slurring their words. About then, one of the women said "Let's smoke some weed!' and a couple of them pulled out their stash and packed a couple bowls. Firing them up and passing them around repeatedly, things went from bad to worse, depending on how you look at it. Reportedly the first victim was the rest of the food, followed closely by the seemingly brilliant idea of cooking some more on the grille. Following the natural order of things, in the group search for food to cook, they discovered that we had several cases of wine stashed away, and a dozen bottles of White Zinfadel found their way to the deck to chill in the snow. And as I found out later, it was Jocelyn who got the next brilliant idea.
"I forgot you had a hot tub" she squealed to Suzy and the others as she wiped snow from the cover with her arm. "Yup" replied Suzy, "we haven't used it in a couple days." That was all that Jocelyn needed "Let's use it now, help me with the cover." As she tried to flip it, Suzy gave her a hand. "Be right back" said Jocelyn as she checked the grill to make sure it was lit and then slipped through the sliding door. Suzy told me that at that point she assumed that Jocelyn was coming back with the food. In a minute though, Jocelyn was back alright, with an arm load of towels and two other women. " Let's go in" she said. Suzy looked at her and said "I'm not getting naked in this cold, or with you others, no way!" As Jocelyn kicked off her ankle boots she smiled and said " Nobody asked you to" as she swung a jeans clad leg over the side and stepped into the tub. "Really? said Suzy. "Fuck it!" said Jocelyn as she sank down into the water. Suzy, by now no stranger to hot tubbing in her clothes kicked off her shoes and said "Well we need wine" as she grabbed a bottle and joined Jocelyn. The other two girls were apparently shocked, and they opened the door and called to the others "Hey, come see this shit!" and were quickly joined by the rest. As they came out they all burst out laughing and commented on what a little weed and booze would do to otherwise normal people. Then Marie shouted out "Party in the tub!" kicked off her shoes and climbed in. With the exception of the two that I met in the living room, the rest of them did the same until there were 8 of them stuffed in the tub made for 6.
And that's the story that was told to me after it was over - and it was just a few minutes later that I showed up from work.
Jocelyn had what I used to refer to as "Breeder hips" a big wide ass with a cute body, and she always wore jeans to accentuate her butt. Until I saw the rest of them in the tub, I had assumed that she had an oversize sweater on covering her ass, but as I got out on the deck, I realized that she was wet and it was just sagging down, and then I realized that everyone of them, including my wife in her almost "signature" black ribbed turtleneck, were in my hot tub fully dressed.
By now they had drained a couple bottles of wine, and were passing yet another between them. Whatever glasses they had started with were lined on the deck railing, and a couple dead bottles were stuffed neck down in the snow.
"How about cooking?" Suzy asked me, as Jocelyn tried to hand me the tongs. "In a few, I need a drink" was my response. "Be right back..." as I opened the door. Shaking my head, I walked into the kitchen and poured a big glass of bourbon with a couple ice cubes and added some coke to it. Realizing I was in my somewhat dirty work clothes, and not dressed to be standing by the grille, I took a gulp and went to change. That mouthful, which probably amounted to 2-3 shots acted fast. In the bedroom, by the time I had stripped down, it had taken over and I decided that I was joining the party in every sense of the word. I pulled on a pair of running tights, and then a pair of tight jeans. Then I dug around and found a white cotton turtleneck and a striped crewneck sweater. I put on a pair of slip-on winter boots and headed out to the deck, intending to do the cooking and then take a dip with the ladies. "Okay, I'm here" I announced - although it was obvious. "Good, I'm frozen" said Jocelyn as she pivoted and within 2 steps was back in the water as the other women laughed. "I need to tell you something" she said to me, "Come here". So I turned to the tub as she stood up. 2 wet hands suddenly were on my pecs as she said to Suzy "I just love this handsome man - you're so lucky!" And Suzy replied, "So do I so keep your hands where I can see them!" as she laughed, knowing that it was in fun. Then Suzy said "Come here, bend down, I need to share something with you." As I did, she whispered in my ear "Don't get any ideas with her" as I nodded a negative response she also said "You're out of uniform" which caused me to look at her funny - having no idea what she meant. She looked at me and then at the rest of the women and reached up and tugged at the neck of her sweater with a smile. "Okay" and I nodded, as I realized that everyone else there was wearing a turtleneck sweater too. At that, she cupped her hands and splashed me square in the chest with the warm water. "Bring the food in" she instructed, and then come back out, as she took a slug from the bottle of wine.
Now I "got it" and after bringing a platter of food into the kitchen, and sucking down the rest of my drink, I headed back to the bedroom.
Suzy and I bought a lot of stuff together through catalogues, and sweaters were one of the things we shared. Usually Lands End or one of the other stores would have either Christmas specials or end of season clearances so we'd buy a few each, because in all honesty - we actually wore them for skiing and other outdoor activities, they weren't just fetish wear. Taking an educated guess at what she meant by "uniform" I found a thick ribbed black turtleneck just like she had on. As I was about to slip out of the crew neck and into it, I realized that the crew neck was already pretty wet from her splashing me, so I just threw it on over what I was wearing - kind of like when we went skiing. On the way back to the deck, I stopped by the bathroom to relieve myself, and there's where the trouble began. There on the sink, in plain sight was a bottle of kids bubble bath, and I was feeling the effects of the bourbon pretty well. I knew that she'd flip if I just walked out and poured it in, because of the last fiascos we had with bubbles, so I decided to be sneaky. I opened it up and poured some into my hand, and rubbed it into my jeans where it was already wet. Then I rubbed some more. After that, I got the brilliant idea that since I had a wet sweater on under my turtleneck, I would add yet some more bubble bath. Even though about a cap full would fill a bathtub with bubbles, and a bit more would overflow the hot tub, whatever logic I was using at the time made me think this was a good idea.
My last stop was at the fridge for a couple 16 oz beers, and it was out to the deck.
"Finally made up your mind?" said Jocelyn as I slipped off my boots. "Yup" was my only reply and I stepped into the tub and slid down into the water next to Suzy. I popped a beer and took a sip as the girls passed a bottle of wine around. Then I reached over and hit the button for the circulator. "Why?" asked Suzy as the jets started. " It's getting cool, just warming it up" I answered as I shifted slightly to the front of one of the jets.
In less than a minute the tub started to fill with bubbles and she gave me a funny look. "Must be leftover soap in peoples clothes" I said with a straight face, and she resumed talking with one of the other women. A minute later and over a foot of bubbles topped the tub she looked at me and said "That's bubblebath! How did you sneak that in here? You're making a mess again!" Without a word, I turned so my chest was directly in the jets and as the water hit me the bubbles grew. By now, the women were howling and laughing, with bubbles over their heads. They were standing, grabbing arm fulls, and sitting back down, sitting up on the sides and covering themselves from head to foot and covering each other too. At first they complained about ruining their hair, but as they played in the bubbles, that concern went away. We talked about getting out, but every time someone tried, they were handed some wine and told to sit down. Finally Karen, a tall brunette declared that she had to pee and wasn't going in her pants. Out of the tub she went, wrapped in a towel, and into the bathroom, not without comments back and forth from the women still inside the house. We saw the bathroom light come on, heard the flush, and there were more than a few comments bout the problems of getting in and out of soaking wet jeans. In a couple minutes, the light went out, and we assumed that she had fixed the problem and was on her way back. Well, the "jeans problem" had apparently been solved, but obviously Karen had been exploring the bathroom. In her search for a dry bath towel, she had stumbled across my stash of barbasol shaving cream that I had bought at a sale. Out she came with 4 of the six cans I had on the shelf. Shaking one briskly in her hand as she put her towel on the table, she reminded everyone of the "Soaky" bath lather we had as kids. Then she proceeded to make a big pair of foam "boobs" on the chest of her sweater and rub it into her chest and sleeves as everyone laughed and told her how drunk she was. Annoyed by the comment, she grabbed the nearest girl Dierdre and unleashed a pile of foam onto her head while she shrieked. We were laughing our asses off watching the show and she tossed the can to Suzy who filled her hand and then stuck the giant blob to her chin as if she had a beard as she was laughing so hard she was almost in tears. I was perched on the edge of the tub with only my legs in the water and Suzy's next handful was in my crotch, with a squeeze and a rub. Not satisfied with that, to the amusement of all present, she grabbed the waistband of my jeans and did her best to fill the front of them with foam. Karen had grabbed two more cans and shaking them both, tossed one to me, which resulted in my giving my wife a large foam hairdo while she laughed hysterically as we watched Karen pull up her sweater and empty a huge pile onto the chest of the turtleneck underneath, and pull her sweater over it declaring "No I'm Dolly Parton!". As we erupted in laughter, Jocelyn grabbed a can and looked over at Lisa and said "I'm sick of your little pixie hairdo" and emptied a big pile onto her head finishing with "There, now you have big hair!" Lisa was laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes and said "Nothing like your big ass!" which prompted Jocelyn to stand up and push it out towards Lisa. Lisa obliged with foam of her own, putting a big pile onto Jocelyns' ass while Lisa had grabbed Jocelyn by the neck of her sweater and Deidre gave her "big hair to match". After Lisa had rubbed an ample amount into her behind, Jocelyn turned and sank back into the water, head back, only to receive some more shaving foam on her head. Finally the last can came around and all of us, myself included, shot big piles of it onto our heads and some, onto their chests. I graciously emptied the remnants of a can onto my wife and rubbed some in as well, while her below-water hand was shoved inside my jeans stroking me as hard as she could until I let go in her hand - which did not go completely unnoticed by the others. Done with our fun, we all sat back for a few minutes to enjoy relaxing in the tub until one by one we dipped below the surface to rinse the best we could. One at a time, we made our way to the bathroom and the shower, where we showered in our clothes to remove as much soap as possible, leaving them in a heap to drain in the back of the tub. Suzy was the second one in, and as quickly as she could finished and scrounged up as many sets of sweats and pajamas as she could so everyone would have something to wear. I was last, and my final act outside was to close up the tub -hoping that we hadn't destroyed the water and the filter with the soap and suds. I climbed into the shower to rinse off, only to hear the door open and see Suzy and the others, with a camera, applauding me and her taking pictures of me fully clothed in the shower. As soon as they left, I stripped of my soaking layers, changed into dry clothes, and hauled what I estimate to be at least a hundred pounds of sopping clothes to the basement. After a quick spin cycle, and a fast wash with water only, everything went into the dryer and in slightly more than an hour, as everyone had eaten and pretty much sobered off, we all changed and they were on their way home. The only casualty of the night was a woolen turtleneck sweater that Lisa was wearing, which shrank down a couple sizes until it looked like a crop top. She just laughed and told everyone that she'd wear it in the shower at home to stretch it back out. These women had a ton of pictures of their night in my hot tub and they floated around for months afterwards and we had a million laughs over the whole thing. For many months afterwards, they confined their meetings to a rented room in an area business hotel, and it was all business - with no alcohol allowed. Once or twice I met my wife there and we kidded about the sudden change in attitudes, that they were no more fun, and I was met with some pretty stern looks by most of them, with little commentary.
Almost a year, that changed when they had their holiday party at the same hotel.....