The Punishment of Hercules
by Joe Kari

[Another epic from the strange and hilarious imagination of Joe Kari. Think of it as "Gladiator" with gunge and paddles.]


Hercules sat on the dunking booth, thighs spread on the merrily painted hot seat over which his mighty knees extended. It protruded from the rear wall of the contraption, so that the mighty victim was over the middle, his ankles bound and his thick arms pinned behind. The crowds of onlookers gathering around him laughed and laughed, for Hercules was naked, except for a pair of sheer pink ladies panties. He was in a predicament. A sign over his head announced "I'm a pantywaist", while below there waited a tank of humiliating custard cream!

Hercules was being punished. The big man and all his comrades were learning a bitter lesson from their Thracian captors today. Following their defeat and swift capture, a victory celebration had commenced, and the Greek battalions were quickly disarmed and bound. According to Thracian custom, the captive combatants were to be led through the streets, and shown in their disgrace to the citizens. Soon the humiliating ordeal began. The captives were marched into the city, paraded down the avenues in their boots and underpants, with hands placed on their heads. And the Thracian overseers took great care to march them very slowly too, lest they should escape the full measure of due embarrassment and chagrin!

It was a humbling experience for all, but for commanding officers or warriors of renown the captors got their hands on, it was especially acute. For these were destined for a ride on The Chair, a special punishment seat for enemies of the realm! Recipients of this treatment were generally tied on the chair naked, and carried before the public in a dunce cap. Strong men were brought to tears by this public humiliation, and the practice became so popular that the streets were always lined after battles in hopes that an unfortunate captive might be taken on a ride. Such was the fate of General Gerontius, and he did not escape his fate on the humiliation seat! Scarlet from head to toe, the venerable commander found himself in the nude. Up he went before the mob, to ride the hateful seat in his birthday suit to the public square! And when he got there he wished he could turn back, for a welcome was awaiting him there he was gonna wish he could avoid!

But before all had gone Hercules, the stalwart hero of Greece, bowed low beneath a heavy Yoke of Thrace the victors had made for him. Truly the Son of Zeus tasted the shame of the Greeks shellacking as he was bent beneath the yoke in his underpants and driven through the streets with a bullwhip! Between the lanes of gawking citizens wound the lurid walk of shame, irrevocably toward the impending welcome that awaited them in the marketplace!

All the townsmen were waiting with paddles. Before the palace stood a scaffold where a meeting of the Board was planned; the captives were going to get their fannies warmed for disobedience to the King of Thrace! Now the idea of parading a defeated captive and spanking him in public may strike us as barbaric, but in the ancient world failure brought dishonor; and it was considered right and proper for losers in fair combat to pay a forfeit. The Greek soldiers were going to be treated as any captives might be treated, and the Thracians had enjoyed preparing a humiliating punishment for their enemies.

The prisoners were herded into a roped-off area and then two men grabbed a-hold of the General. They brought him to the little stage where Sergeant Loamedon, who had led the deciding battle against the Greeks, would be allowed to punish the commander of his opponents.

Meanwhile more men had crowded around the ridiculous dunking booth to laugh at Hercules. A jolly thick-set man stepped up with a paddle. Were going to punish Hercules, he stated. And after we dunk him he'll attend a meeting of the Board! Everyone applauded, quite in favor of this method. Then the deep-voiced fellow with the paddle started to sing a dunking song. Brandishing the board he began to intone in a booming bass:

"Oh I'm-a down so low!"

"Down so low!" the others echoed uproariously.

"I'm a-down in the pit!

In the low-down pit! they rejoined with glee.

With mah bare bee-hi-i-ind...

With mah bare bee-hi-i-nd..!" They laughed joyfully. The singer theatrically swatted the paddle over his palm.

"In deep, deep shit!"

BAM!! They pulled the lever, the hot seat fell, and the hulking warrior fell a good five feet, right into the cream!

They hoisted him by his ankles, and righted him to stand before them all, covered in the thick, embarrassing custard! Then they grasped him under the armpits and grabbed his big ears, and played the death march as they marched him with relish to the scaffold for a spanking! Crowds of spectators were there to watch the main event of the exhibition enacted. Hercules is in trouble! announced the guard, as they marched him up the steps. They made him stand in the middle, and the thick-set man stepped up with the paddle. It was painted red, and drilled with many worrisome holes.

"Well, well, the man said"--taking off his shirt.

Office of the Swatmaster General, Hercules! he said. Then he turned to face the crowd.

To demonstrate the military superiority of Thrace, Hercules is going to be paddled! Hercules pulled down his pants. Placing his heels together, he bent and grabbed his ankles, his testes clenched between his thighs. Well now, Hercules, an officer said. Hope you learn your lesson! BAMM! The board of education slammed into the great mans rump like a shot. When he got swatted, Hercules jumped up and grabbed his butt, and the spectators roared with laughter. Thats right, Lieutenant! called one, lets have another like that! Oh, ho ho ho, chuckled the thick-set officer, greatly enjoying himself, Im afraid its back to the hot seat, Hercules. Touch your toes! The he-man assumed the position and grabbed his ankles, and he got another one just like before. BAMM!!

The officer paddled him good! Up he shot with a howl that shook the platform, tears flying; his whopping penis, swelling and elongated from the licks, swung up and out, bouncing as he hopped in pain! The crowd jeered. Hercules cant take a swat! The battalion roared with laughter. Take your punishment, Hercules! they scolded merrily. Swallowing his tears, the warrior gritted his teeth and gripped his ankles in hot shame! The agony of defeat was bitter when it came as a public paddling! Whack!! Whack!! Whack!! Whack!! How say you, Hercules, do I punish thee well!? cried the executioner. Whack!! Whack!! Whack!! Marvelous well, O Commander, gasped the son of Zeus, for thy paddle disciplineth with an authority unknown! Unknown perhaps, but my Board of Education will instruct thee! he

promised, and swatted Hercules with the full force of his body. Whack!! Whack!! Whack!! Whack!! Whack!! Whack!! Whack!! Whack!!

After twenty licks, the executioner declared him in need of a refresher course! He grabbed Hercules by the ear, and the spectators roared to see the large, naked man with his purple butt escorted by two guards to a deep manure pit! The Humility Trough had a trap door rigged for its victims; they made him stand upon it holding his testicles before they pulled the lever! Now I am punished! cried Hercules; and he

fell down the long shaft into the pit, grasping his thick rod in one hand and his balls with the other!

Meanwhile, the public spanking of General Gerontius had had the desired effect. The spectacle gave the Greeks an opportunity to anticipate what was coming, and had many a man thoughtfully rubbing the seat of his pants! Soon they were released from their corral and taken to various locations around the square, where a variety of expert methods were being instituted to teach them a lesson!

Beneath a banner proclaiming Prisoner Appreciation Day the marketplace was suddenly alive with spectacle. Why, here was a burly prisoner held fast. Three jolly townsmen downed his pants, while a fourth humiliated the big man by spreading axle grease on his penis! Next to that, a session of hot pushups was being executed. A Thracian soldier sat a-straddling the back of a young red haired corporal, holding on by both ears; the victim had a pan of goop shoved under his face, while a man behind him waited with a hearty paddle! The subject now performed an lesson in humility; up and down he went; and each time he went down he got dunked, and every time he raised up he got a swift swat with the Board! What a great method of hazing! I bet he thought pretty hard about his proper place during that little exercise!

It was open season on the Greek soldiers now! Young and old, short and tall, every man was going to get it. It was simple for a Thracian to have a little fun; all he had to do was walk around and find a fellow hed like to see get his ass blistered! Then he just grabbed him by the ear, and took him, for example, to a small booth with a platform set up by the town cobbler. Papas Paddling Station for Boys! he called it. With just a stool on the platform, he had a couple of benches set up in front for observers--anyone who wanted to enjoy watching an enemy soldier get a good paddling! And in the army, they spank hard! Preparing for his first customer, the cobbler took off his shirt and sat on the stool, as a soldier was brought up yelling. He was a tough, stocky fellow with black hair. They soon gave him something to yell about; he found himself over the cobblers knee with his pants down as the cobbler got the board! Whack! went the paddle on the mans bare butt, Whack! Whack! Whack!! The benches were soon filled to see the yelling soldier spanked. Another Bad Boy was hauled up, but had to wait his turn. This was a much taller, older man, and a Colonel. Pull your pants down and stand in the corner! The cobbler told him, raising the board high and WHACK!! WHACK!! WHACK!! --- paddling the private across his bare behind as hard as he could!

Anyone could set up a paddling station like that for the Greeks, and many men did. A commander of one Thracian battalion had the idea of devising a little Schoolhouse for captives. He got a nice long wooden paddle, and set up a blackboard with some desks. Detention Hall! was written across the board in large letters. He soon had his first pupils; five big men soon had their butts in the seats of those desks; with dunce caps on their heads! While an audience gathered for their tutorial, the Professor gave a stern

lecture; and soon ordered the first pair of pupils front and center. The two prisoners, one a Captain, the other a Major, had to stand side by side and face the blackboard; then they took their underpants down,

bending over! With relish, the Commander paddled their bottoms with the board, while in a booming voice continuing the lecture! That was a detention they wouldnt forget for a while!

Here a doughty Master Sergeant of the Greek Army was being lashed up to a post; a group of Thracian soldiers was going to tar and feather him! There a platoon of Greeks had to stand at attention as they got pantsed, and an MP enjoyed himself by slowly pouring buckets of syrup over their heads. He made them stand like this for a while as a jolly crowd gathered; then out came the paddle, and the men touched their toes!

All the marketplace now rang with guffaws and jeers, bellows, bawling, swats and cries. The Thracians taught the Greeks to appreciate their superiors as seats were warmed and butts were blistered! It was military hazing at its finest. Theres nothing like a good swat with the Paddle! declared the Professor, blistering the bottom of a Brigadier General. Punishment Day was declared a success. The Board of Education lived up to its name! Hercules and all the Greeks learned a lesson that day they would never forget. The brave heroes were given much to think about as they were forced to see their brothers-in-arms humiliated! Served by an old fashioned licking, the Greeks went home with a changed attitude; and indeed, it was long enough before they could so much as sit down, much less pick a quarrel with the King of Thrace!