The Wedding Clown

Jodi groaned in frustration as she read the text message. "I'm so sorry, we had to cancel the party, her kids have the flu." These risks come with the territory as a party clown, but she could really have used the money, and definitely could use the distraction. She absentmindedly adjusted the bonnet and bunny ears on her trademark polka dotted plush bunny clown costume she'd designed and sewn herself. She typically used for parties in Spring and found that people who didn't typically enjoy clowns were more receptive to it. She glanced in the rearview mirror, her bright blue eyes highlighted by delicate, romantic blush and bunny-inspired clown makeup with a pink triangle nose, whiskers and a bunny muzzle painted on into a soft smile.

Not that she felt like smiling today. Scott, her longtime high school sweetheart was getting married at the farm-turned-wedding venue just outside town. She'd driven past the signs on the way out to the client's party, in fact.

She wound around the meandering rural farm road past another sign with silver balloons, "Scott and McKenzie's Wedding" with an arrow. She'd mysteriously gotten an invitation, but her breakup with Scott had been too painful, plush McKenzie was a real piece of work. She'd known her since high school, a sneaky, disloyal gold-digger from her self-absorbed social media posts. Even the invitation had a backstabbing tone.

"Please RSVP with your dinner selection, Grilled Salmon or Fried Chicken. I bet Scott that nobody would pick fried chicken for a wedding, so help prove me right!"

The warm earthy smell of the surrounding dairy farms cheered her up a bit. Some people hated the smell, but she'd always found it oddly comforting. Could today get any worse?" she grumbled as she turned her aging car around in a driveway a quarter mile from the party that could have been. Her car's battery warning and Check Engine light provided the answer as it sputtered and stalled. Cursing as she guided the car onto what little shoulder was available on this rural farm road. She glanced around and took stock of her situation. Still outside of town on a chilly spring morning in a broken down vehicle wearing a humiliating bunny suit and clown makeup was not how she'd hoped to spend her day, but clowns are nothing if not cheerful so she stepped out of the car and grabbed her phone. Her phone! It had been plugged into the charger when she'd gotten the party cancellation call from the client, but now it stared back at her with an ominous 1%. Should she call for help, or check her location? Pulling up the driving directions, she looked at the map. Two miles by road, but just under a mile if she cut through the farmland. She could see the old smoke stack of the town just above the trees. She was about to text her sister when the screen powered down. She cursed again. Not being thrilled to be spotted along the road, but the cows wouldn't care. Jodi sighed, reached for her wallet, checked her makeup from habit and set off for the fence. She'd wished she hadn't skipped breakfast, but so it goes.

Her athletic build and country-raised legs easily navigated the barbed wire, escaping with only a tuft of plush bunny tail fur snagged on a barb on the top wire. Her oversized bunny paw shoes may as well have been roller skates on the slippery dew covered grass in the field. She allowed herself a moment to breathe in the fresh air and morning sunshine, then scanned the field. She froze. Cows intermittently punctuated her path, but more worryingly was the fence line of the wedding venue to her right, the outdoor seating arranged facing the pastural rolling hills, her anticipated trajectory in direct line of sight. She looked for any alternate means of cover, but short of a clump of trees beside a small creek, there was none. She glanced back at her car, but steeled herself. Nobody is going to be looking for clown-bunnies at a wedding, and anyway, it doesn't start for another hour or so, she thought to herself. She soldiered on.

The grass started to slope downhill, soon she was picking up speed. She tried to check herself but her slippery bunny paws shot out from underneath her sending her onto her padded bunnytail butt in the wet grass. The dew soaked through to her panties, making every step feel cold and clammy. She picked up her pace, eyeing her next landmark. There seemed to be more cars pulling into the venue. She shifted course for the creek and clump of trees.

The grass approaching the creek was sparse with more bare earth showing than on the hillside. She planted a foot into a bare patch, plunging her bunny paw deeply into the mud up to her calf. The squelch when she tugged it back out elicited a giggle. She tried the next step more carefully, but it sank even deeper under her weight. She looked around to reassess her options, if not her life choices. Her heart skipped a beat. She had a choice to make: risk mean cows or crash a wedding. She sighed, knowing she was about to risk the most humiliating moment of her life. Spotting a dry looking trail back to the venue's gate and an elegantly shaped hedge, she shifted course, trying to keep low to avoid any attention. Only a couple dozen more yards, one thick looking mud patch along the fence, and...a very stubborn looking cow glaring menacingly at Jodi. This was clearly Bessie's mud hole and no one was going to take it from her. There was only one problem. Bessie was standing right where Jodi needed to be.

Holding out her hand, Jodi spoke as softly as she could. "Nice cow!" she cooed, holding out her mittened hand. The cow snorted tersely. Jodi tried to swing wide, but the mud was thicker there. Just a few more steps and....

Bessie lowered her heed and butted Jodi squarely in the chest, knocking her backwards into the thick mud with a splat. Eyes wide, Jodi rolled and scrambled up the fence just as Bessie lunged for a second pass. Jodi's back was now coated in thick brown muck and she was crouched inside the wedding venue, hidden by a shrub. At least she was blocked from the guest seating area which was beginning to fill up. She peeked carefully around the shrubbery. She was beside a vintage limousine, blocked from any curious onlookers thankfully. She looked back to her left to see a tuxedoed figure pacing nervously along the fence. Scott? He did not look happy. He glanced at the pastures, then at his watch, then let out a heavy sigh she could almost hear from her hiding spot. The smells from the catering were devine, reminding Jodi that she still hadn't eaten anything today. Behind the ceremony area was the large event tent where tables and chairs and a large catering spread was visible through the tent opening. Party lights trailed elegantly from its peaks over the ceremony area. Jodi froze as she heard the limo's door open and close. Practically burying herself in the bushes she tried to stay out of sight. The car began rocking suggestively. Jodi blushed, having no desire to be anywhere near this level of debauchery.

The noise stopped. Jodi crouched down. She heard the unmistakable giggling coming from the steamy windows of the limousine. She held her breath and waited. After a few minutes, the limo door opened and McKenzie stepped out, wedding gown mussed and a mischievous smirk on her smeared lipstick. A moment later, a guy in a tuxedo stepped our the other side. Scott's best friend Chad? Oh no! thought Jodi as her heart sank. She gritted her teeth. She knew what she had to do. She had to warn Scott. She surveyed the caterer's van and entrance to the food prep area. staying low, she waited until the caterer had disappeared back into the van and dashed forward, hiding herself behind a tablecloth. She peeked around. There was Scott, standing near the aisle between the ceremony site and the reception tent. She glanced for a suitable path. Staying low behind the tables she made her way to the cake table for a better view. She was so close! "SCOTT!" she hissed. Scott looked up, furrowed his brow, and resumed his wistful gaze across the meadows. Tears welled up in Jodi's eyes.

Jodi practically jumped when soft wedding music began to play and guests began filing in, gabbing and greeting family cheerfully. She was trapped. The Wedding March played and Jodi couldn't resist grabbing the top of the tablecloth with her mud-soaked mittens. Anyone who would have been looking at the cake would have seen two muddy bunny ears inexplicably ascend above the piped flowers decorating the top, but at the moment all eyes were at the bride practically bounding down the aisle. Scott looked enthralled, Chad the best man had a knowing smirk. Jodi gripped the tablecloth tighter, hitching her breath and straining for a better view. The officiant, ancient and regal, cleared her throat. "If anyone have cause to oppose this union, let them speak now or forever hold their peace. The silence was shattered by a tremendous, riotous crash as Jodi tugged just a bit too hard, pulling the table cloth and along with it the massive wedding cake off the table and onto her head and chest with a horrid splat. The guests gasped as all eyes turned to see a shaking plush pastel bunny standing, her font obliterated with destroyed wedding cake, her back thick with deep brown mud. She froze, then remembered why she was here. "I do! McKenzie and Chad were making out in the limo 15 minutes ago!" Jodi exclaimed! McKenzie's face went bright red, while Chad's face went white. He took several steps back, shaking his head. Scott's reaction was altogether different. "Jodi?" he asked, trying to make out the face beneath the makeup and muck. She shrugged apologetically.

McKenzie's reaction was less measured. "HOW DARE YOU RUIN MY WEDDING!" she hissed. Jodi stood her ground. "You ruined your first two marriages yourself, McKenzie, I'm just interrupting the third." sneered Jodi back. McKenzie through her bouquet in a rage and lunged at Jodi, catching her by surprise across the cake-destroyed table. Jodi wrapped McKenzie's waist with her sticky bunny costume arms, tugging her down into the cake, forcing her face deep into the sticky frosting mound. McKenzie slapped a fistful of icing into Jodi's face, smushing the sticky goo up her nose and into her mouth. Jodi scooped up the largest remains of the bottom tier of cake, flung up McKenzie's tulle skirt, and ground it into her butt roughly before spinning her around and forcing her to sit back in the massive pile of cake. Jodi lifted the punchbowl and unceremoniously poured the sticky pink punch over the Bride's hair, soaking her head and top, leaving her sputtering and shaking on the ground.

Jodi stood, straightened her bonnet and marched elegantly towards the fence, hips swaying sensuously despite her humiliating outfit. She glanced at Scott who was quickly walking towards her, "Jodi, wait!" he called. Jodi stopped. "Sorry I ruined your wedding." she sighed. Scott half-smiled, "Your parties were always better." he chuckled. She grinned. "Call me sometime." and returned her walk towards the fence. As she reached for the gate, a flash of white collided with her square in the back. "Oh no you don't! You ruined everything!" McKenzie tackled Jodi through the gate into the thick mud beyond. McKenzie fought like a hyena, grasping Jodi's face and grinding it deep into the thick mud. Jodi's lungs began to burn when she felt anther weight atop her, Scott had leaped into the fray and was tugging McKenzie off of her. She sputtered and gasped for breath before mounding a massive mud pie from the slop and smashing it deep into the bodice of the wedding dress. McKenzie gasped. Jodi merely wiped her paws off gently on McKenzie's cheeks leaving thick piles of muck and daubed her nose playfully before standing up and stepping towards the gate.

Scott stood, his tux destroyed by the mud, and paused at the gate, flinging the wedding ring into the thick mud where it sank with a gooey bubble. "It's over, McKenzie." Scott growled. McKenzie slammed her fists into the thick mud, attracting the attention of a nearby, very territorial cow who emitted an imposing snort.

Sitting at the remaining undestroyed table beneath the glowing party lights, the sun setting across the fields, Jodi hungrily gnawed on the fried chicken. "This is delicious. More weddings should do this." she gushed. "I know, right?" Scott smirked, brushing the drying mud from his tie. "You know, I can't remember why we broke up?" Scott asked.

Jodi sighed. "You're afraid of clowns, remember?" she giggled.

"People change." Scott smiled. "Besides, clowns are kind of growing on me."