Messy Irina gave me permission to use the character "Ira"
I gave myself permission to use the character "Old Man"
All other characters are fictional.

The Pie Bridge Game
Based on a question from and dedicated to Messy Irina

My husband Sam and I stood in the entryway of the Old Man's mansion. I suppose that the Old Man had a name, but everyone just called him, "Old Man". Sam was wearing a tuxedo. I was wearing light pink satin evening gown. Incongruently, we were both wearing tennis shoes. The Old Man insisted on it as a matter of safety. I turned to my husband and said, "Let's go home. I don't why we're here." My husband replied, "You do know why we're here, and we are not going home," which is exactly what I expected him to say. The truth is that it was my fault we were here. A couple of days ago, in an attempt to prank the Old Man, I accidentally threw a pie into the face of an innocent bystander called Charlene Goren, who was taking a beginning bridge lesson from the Old Man. I tried to apologize, but she was furious and hurt. The Old Man suggested that Charlene could get her retribution by assisting in a game of "Pie Bridge", a game he invented. I could tell by the look on her face that this would be satisfactory, so I agreed, and this was why Sam (who, by the way, loves the game) and I were here.
The first rule of Pie Bridge is that whenever a player sits down at the table, he or she sits in a pie--every time. Today, those pies would be coconut cream pies. Since the game requires standing and sitting after every hand, one might sit in 20 or 30 pies by the end of the session. After the players sit, one hand of bridge is played and scored normally. Then the players stand to administer the penalty, which is determined by the "contract", which is the highest bid in the auction. and whether the contract was successfully completed. For example. If the contract is 4 spades, then the "declarer" (when playing the cards, one of the two partners is called the declarer and plays both his or her hand and his or her partner's hand; after the player to declarer's left plays a card to start the play, the partner of the declarer, called the "dummy", puts his or her hand down face up for all 3 of the other players to see) must take 10 (4 + 6--one always adds 6 to determine the number of tricks) of the 13 tricks to be successful. If the declarer makes the contract, i. e., if he or she did take 10 or more tricks, then side that bid 4 spades gets to smoosh 4 chocolate cream pies into the face of each of the opponents. If declarer doesn't make the contract, then the opponents get to smoosh those pies into declarer's and dummy's faces. If the contract were 3 hearts, then the penalty would 3 strawberry cream pies. The number of pies is determined by the level. The number of pies equals the number in the final bid. The type of pie is determined by the suit named as trumps--no trump: banana cream pies; spades: chocolate cream pies; hearts: strawberry cream pies; diamonds: lemon cream pies; clubs: blueberry cream pies.
A six-level contract is called a "small slam", and a 7-level contract is called a "grand slam", slams carry a penalty in addition to the pies; for a small slam, the additional penalty is to be slimed with one bucket of butterscotch pudding; for a grand slam, the additional penalty is to be slimed with two buckets of butterscotch pudding. Also, the opponents may double the highest bid, and the bidders may redouble the opponents' double. The double and redouble each double the penalty. Thus, a redoubled grand slam would carry a penalty of 28 pies (7 for the level x 2 for the double x 2 for the redouble) and 8 buckets of butterscotch pudding (2 for the grand slam x 2 for the double x 2 for the redouble).for each partner.
Sam rang the bell. The butler, who was called "Red" because of his ginger hair, let us in. Red bowed and said, "Good Afternoon, sir, ma'am. May I get you any refreshments?" Before Sam could respond, Red added, "Ma'am, you seem ill at ease. Would you like to sit down?" Red has sensed my discomfort.
"No thank you, Red. I'm OK." One might think I was upset because I was about to get completely covered in pie, but that wasn't it. I love to pie other people, and getting pied in return is just part of the fun. Rather, I was ill at ease because, well, quite frankly, I was a lousy bridge player, and I was having to play bridge against someone who teaches the game and knows nuances to the game that the rest of us will never know. However, as I had agreed to the game, so I signaled Red to lead me to my fate.
The path to the bridge game took us through the Old Man's library. The library contained a number of complete sci-fi/fantasy series and one notably incomplete one--incomplete because the author, despite having over a decade to do so, still hadn't published the end of the series. The library also contained several different Instructor's copies of General Chemistry textbooks, higher level chemistry textbooks, an upper division Biochemistry and an upper division Molecular Biology text book, various other collegiate textbooks, mostly in American History, a book on foil fencing, a book on saber fencing, a number of books on chess, a series of humorous bridge books, and most notably, 4 decades worth of Bridge magazines and Chess magazines.
Red next lead us through the Old Man's game room. This room had 3 stylistic chess sets set up as displays. It also had shelve filled with various games and jigsaw puzzles, and it had a couple of portable tables, one card table, and stackable chairs in the corner. Red then led us through the doors that led to the Old Man's special party room and announced us, "Mr. and Ms. Hart, sir,"
The Old Man's party room was specifically designed to host WAM activities. The floor was made of concrete that was sealed with a polyperfluorocarbon. The floor had several drains at various slightly lowered points in the floor. The floor was covered a composite matting. The bottom layer of the matting was a hard, non-mildewing foam rubber that supported people's weight despite having channels that led to the drains. The top layer was a softer, non-mildewing foam rubber that had holes in it to allow water to pass into the channels. In order not to damage this top layer, the Old Man insisted that guests either wore tennis/athletic shoes or no shoes at all. Sam and I had both chosen to wear tennis shoes. The ceiling had enough warm-water showerheads as to be able to shower the entire floor, although they could also be used in groups so as to only shower part of the floor. The ceiling also had water jets for cleaning the walls.
As we entered the room, we saw Charlene, the Old Man, and Ira standing near the set-up where we were going to play bridge. Ira had been the Old Man's student for a couple of years now and was going to be the Old Man's partner for today. I had always been a little bit jealous of Ira. She is a very, very pretty blonde whose smile could light up California and Moscow combined. She was wearing a very flattering pastel blue satin evening gown and had chosen not to wear any shoes. The Old Man was wearing a tuxedo and has also chosen not to wear shoes. Charlene was wearing a white sun dress and tennis shoes.
The playing area was in a corner of the room. It had 4 chairs with wheels set up around a card table with a 5th chair set up so that Charlene could watch. There were 4 small tables, one at each corner of the card table, for our convenience. There were 2 carts that held 36 coconut cream pies each near the two tables. The chairs had a sliding switch located at the end of the left arm so that the users could easily lock or unlock the wheels. The penalty area in the middle of the room had two chairs and twelve carts of pies. These chairs were already locked in place. I knew that there were many more carts of pies someplace out of sight.
As we approached the playing area, the Old Man asked if we wished to have a glass of water or a soft beverage. We could see the Old Man drinking his customary diet cola, and both Charlene and Ira had lemon-lime sodas. I don't know if they were diet or not. Sam and I both indicated that we would both like a diet cola, and one of the Old Man's staff served our drinks to us. As we went to sit down, another member of the Old Man's staff put a pie onto each of the 4 chairs around the table. The rules of this game of pie bridge had been changed for the occasion--since the point of the game was to soothe Charlene's feelings, she was here to administer all punishments until such time as her feelings had been soothed, and she was allowed to sit in a clean chair.
The Old Man dealt the first hand. At the end of the bidding, Ira was declaring 4 spades. She played the hand well and took 11 tricks, one more than needed. Sam, Charlene, and I got up. A coconut cream pie was placed on each of the penalty seats. Sam and I each squished down on a pie, adding to the mess that was already down there. Charlene then came over to deliver the pies. She gently, almost timidly, smooshed the 4 chocolate cream pies into Sam's face. When it came to my face, however, there was no timidity in how she smooshed the pies into my face. She twisted the pies after she smooshed them, and made sure that every inch of me from my shoulders to my tits was covered in chocolate cream. She even wiped the little bit of pie that she got on her hand onto the thigh of my dress. I am sure that if she had pied me first, I would have gotten all 8 pies. If she could have seen my face through the chocolate cream, she would have seen that I was a bit riled by this, but after a moment, I decided to let it go. After all, I was going to get orders of magnitude messier.
Sam, Charlene, and I returned to the playing area. Sam and I sat upon yet another pie. I wondered what my derriere must have looked like at this point. I dealt the next hand. When I evaluated my hand, I thought about opening the bidding; however, I decided that the hand wasn't quite strong enough to do so, so I passed. Ira opened the bidding, and soon she and the Old Man had bid up the hand up to 6 no trump. I considered doubling, but decided against doing so because the Old Man was going to declare. It turns out to be a good thing that I didn't. I opened the play by playing the spade king. This won the trick, so I next played the spade queen. The Old Man took the ace and then took 5 club tricks, and, on the last of those 5 club tricks, I found myself having to play to a trick I didn't want to play to. Whichever card I played would allow the Old Man to establish the 10 of that suit as a winner. Then, when the Old Man did play the now high 10, I again found myself not wanting to play to the trick. Whichever card I played would allow the 10 of that suit to become the Old Man's 12th trick. 6 no trump had been bid and made.
Ira and Charlene were both impressed. I looked at Sam. He just shrugged his shoulders. We both know that the Old Man would be irritated with himself if he didn't execute a progressive squeeze when one was available. Sam and I stood up and went to the penalty area. After a moment or two, Charlene followed. Sam and I sat in our 4th pie each. The coconut cream filling had reached the back of my knees. Charlene administered the punishment, again pieing Sam first. I noticed that she was pieing Sam more confidently now. I also noticed that, by the she delivered the sixth pie on my face, her anger was gone. However, I decided to let her have her fun. Who knows? Maybe I'd get a change to ruin that pretty white dress. The buckets of butterscotch pudding were heavy, so Charlene asked one of the male staff to assist her. He got some pudding on his uniform, but she remained clean. We returned to the playing area to sit in our 5th coconut cream pie. After two hands, Sam and I were each an unrecognizable mass of chocolate cream pie, banana cream pie, and butterscotch pudding.
Play continued in this fashion for quite a while. As expected, Sam and I were getting most of the punishments. For one of the punishments, I sneakily suggested that Charlene give me a pie sandwich, she replied, "No way. I once saw a video of Jackie Gleason illustrating pie in the face techniques. When he illustrated the pie sandwich, half of the pie ended up on Mr. Gleason." I was surprised and a bit impressed that my ploy didn't work. Ira and the Old Man finally got punished when Sam made a 2-heart contract. They should have received punishment earlier, but I misplayed a 3-club contract. When Ira got up, she said, "Finally! The Old Man and I have a lot of catching up to do." I have to admit that I really like Ira. When she got back to the table, one could see her smile beaming through the mask of two strawberry cream pies. Later, the Old Man made a play to make a 6 no trump contract that even astounded Sam. When Sam got up to take his punishment, he asked the Old Man, "Is there a name for that play?" The old man answered, "Yes. It's called a Steppingstone squeeze." Charlene was so astounded, bewildered, and impressed that she was barely able to smoosh the 6 banana cream pies into Sam's face. She didn't even bother with the bucket of butterscotch pudding. The staff member who had helped her before was the one to administer that. punishment. Finally, after delivering the punishment for a 4-spade contract that Ira made, Charlene came back to the table and said in a shy and apologetic voice, "Thank you." She turned, and then turned back and said, "I have a confession to make. I actually stopped being angry more than 2 hours ago."
The Old Man Spoke up, "Don't worry. We all already knew that."
"I see." Charlene turned again, and then turned back again. "Same time next week for my bridge lesson?"
"Of course."
Charlotte turned again to leave, and then noticed that there were still hundreds of pies left. Without turning this time, she asked, "What are you going to do with all of those pies?"
"We're going to have a pie fight. If you look around, you will see several of my staff members holding pies. They are waiting for the pie fight to start. Whenever we have one of our "after pie-bridge" pie fights, any of my staff who wishes to join the pie fight may do so."
"I see." Charlene began to walk toward the party room entrance where Red the butler was waiting. I was irritated. She was going to get away completely clean except for a bit of mess on her tennis shoes. However, as there was nothing else I could do, I just watched her walk. I did notice that there seemed to be regret in each step.
When she reached the entryway. She stopped. She looked at the floor. She looked at the ceiling. She looked at the staff members holding pies. She looked at Red. She looked at the floor again. Finally, after what seemed like forever and a day, she came to decision. She turned around and walked back to the group. She addressed the Old Man. "I have something I need to do first, but afterwards, my I join the pie fight?"
"Of course. You are most welcome to do so."
She turned to me and said, "What you did to me as accidental. I should have treated it as such. Instead, I let myself become angry, and I insisted that you couldn't simply apologize without first getting what I called retribution, but what in fact was nothing more than petty revenge. That was reprehensible, and I truly apologize, and I think I have a way to make it up to you." She turned to the Old Man. "You never do stop teaching, do you?" The Old Man just smiled. She turned back to me, "Come."
She took me by my pie-encrusted hand and led me to the penalty area. She let go of my hand and went over to where the Coconut cream pies were. She picked one up and put it on one of the chairs. She then went over to where the blueberry cream pies were and picked one up. She walked over to me and handed me the pie. Then she plopped down onto the coconut cream pie and threw her arms open wide/
And, much to my surprise, I found that I couldn't smoosh or throw the blueberry cream pie in her face. I lifted my arm to do so, and then let it drop again. I lifted it again. I let it drop again. Finally, Charlene asked, "What's wrong?"
I responded, "If that coconut cream pie hasn't already done so, this blueberry cream pie will certainly ruin that pretty white dress.
She replied, "I know. That's why I chose the blueberry cream pie." Our eyes met, and, all of a sudden, all of the irritation, all of the frustration, and all of the ill will simply melted away. She again threw back her arms, and I smooshed that pie in her face, and in her hair and all over as much as of her dress as I could, and I did so with all of my heart. Never have I thrown or smooshed a pie so joyously. When I was done, Charlene leapt up. We hugged so tightly that it seemed like we were merging into a single person, which, perhaps, in a way, we were. After a couple of seconds, we relaxed the hug enough so that we could look each other in the eye and mutter, "I'm sorry" to each other. After two minutes of this, we both felt the squirt of a water pistol. We looked to see the Old Man staring at us. We looked at each other and simultaneously said, "It's time for a pie fight," and let go of our embrace.
The pie fight was, as pie fights are when there is enough ammunition, glorious. Red through a blueberry cream pie that caught me squarely in face. When I wiped the pie out of my eyes, I could see Red wiping chocolate cream pie out of his eyes and Ira giving me a thumbs up sign, at least until Sam nailed her with a strawberry cream pie. Since Ira had had my back, I smooshed a lemon cream pie on top of my husband's head. I then noticed that Charlene had joined a number of the staff in teaming up against the Old Man. He must have added 20 pounds of pie in 5 seconds. During this time, Ira had snuck up behind Charlene with a pair of pies. Ira gave Charlene a big hug, smashing the pies on Charlene's boobs as she did so. Ira allowed Charlene to turn around, and they joyously hugged each other. When the staff saw this, they shifted their attention to Ira and Charlene. It took about 30 seconds until 2 young women hugging became one big blob of pie. Later, when all of the pies had been thrown or smooshed and there wasn't single square millimeter on anybody that wasn't covered in pie, we all started hugging and congratulating each other and taking photos of each other. Then the Old Man have a clean staff member take all of the phones and cameras out of the room. Once this had been accomplished, the Old Man signaled for the showers to be turned on. The water was delightfully warm. It took a while, but eventually all of the pie was washed down the drains, The Old Man signaled for the showers to be turned off, and announced to the crowd, "Hedda, Charlene, as you are the reason for this joyous occasion, you have the privilege of changing first. The Old Man's changing rooms were lavishly furnished with anything one might need. I walked to my changing room, and Charlene walked to hers. I opened the door and saw a brand new pink satin evening gown. I looked over at Charlene, and, at the same time, she looked over at me with the same look of disbelief. Without a word, she knew that I had a brand new evening gown, and I knew that she had a brand new pretty white dress. I found out later that Ira had observed this exchange of looks. When she did, she gently bit her lip and looked at the Old Man imploringly, who turned and said, "You, too." Ira ran over to the Old Man and hugged him so fiercely that they nearly fell over, which one would realize, if they had ever met the Old Man, would have been a very difficult thing to do.

Exactly 1 year later, and exactly 2 years later, and exactly 3 years later, etc.,

I was wearing a pink satin evening gown when I heard the doorbell ring. I opened the door to see Charlene in a pretty white dress. I led her to the back yard, where we pied each other silly.