So, You Think You Know It All!

"Shit," Chloe whispered to herself as she quietly took a seat on the rather hard folding-chair. "Why did I allow Bobby to talk me into this."

Chloe was the Wednesday night contestant on the gameshow, So, You Think You Know It All! the hit show, number one in its time slot, on the EMN, or Extremely Messy Network, a subsidiary of the Ultimate Messy Directory, otherwise known far and wide as the UMD.

Chloe, who was very familiar with the show, having watched it just about every time the network aired the program, knew that she was probably going to get very messy before the night was over.

As she thought about it, the stunning brunette decided this definitely wasn't one of the brightest decisions she had ever made. But, considering it a harmless lark, the beautiful woman thought it would be fun and considering herself very well educated, Chloe thought she could remain relatively clean. That is, until she started remembering how many pretty women she had seen get completely covered in pies and slop that even a hog couldn't stomach. Despite her solid standing in college, Chloe knew there were subjects that she had not really covered very well, with history being one of them.

Oh, I hope tonight's topic will be current events. I did okay in history, but it was not one of my better subjects. Please let them pick movies and movie stars or something like that. I could probably ace it.

Now, however, as the young woman from Calgary, Canada, got a good look at the two tables full of pies, plus the three extra-large buckets of some kind of messy substance, (She didn't know what was in those buckets, for THE BIG MESS, since they had lids on them. And The Big Mess was the final and messiest part of the show), a queasy knot started to form in the pit of her stomach.

I don't think the pies would be too bad.

Chloe wasn't worried about the pies. They wouldn't be too bad. But it was those three buckets that had her cringing. In the past, she had seen buckets of messy stuff, from simple mud to slop that even a vulture wouldn't eat, poured over some poor girl because she had lost.

The way the game goes, the contestant answers a series of questions. For every correct answer they will receive a one-hundred-dollar bill. For each wrong one, though, the contestant gets a pie in the face. If she gets ten or more wrong answers, then the contestant receives what is called The Big Mess, which consists of three 5-gallon buckets, filled with some kind of mess, poured over her head. And this is what was causing so much trepidation for Chloe. Some of the messy slop she had seen pored over some unfortunate soul had been pretty disgusting. And not knowing what was in those buckets was the most disconcerting aspect of Wednesday's show.

Since she wanted to appear her best, for national television, Chloe was wearing her favorite dress. And she had spent two hours on her make-up after spending $150 for a new hairdo. Now, Chloe was wondering what she would look like after the show.

Shit . . . Bobby, why did I allow you to talk me into doing this?

"Chloe," the Master of Ceremonies, or emcee, said in a startling, clear voice, "you know the rules of the game, right?"

"On So, You Think You Know It All! for every correct answer you will receive a crisp, one-hundred-dollar bill. But for each wrong one," and the, emcee, or just M.C. for short, paused for dramatic effect, "for each incorrect reply, you will get a pie in the face." And to further emphasize this, Jordana, the lady who was the M.C., turned toward the tables that carried all those pies. There were at least twenty pies of various flavors and colors on those tables. The blueberry and cherry pies, along with strawberry and lime pudding ones gave a plethora of colors to go with the custard pastries, as well as the banana and coconut cream ones. And then there were the chocolate pies. At least eight of the pies were the rich, deep dark brown, color of chocolate pudding. These did not have any whipped cream on them. And Chloe knew they would make the biggest mess if she got hit with any of those muck monsters.

Shit. I'm really going to get fucked up, aren't I?

"And you do know what will happen if you get ten or more wrong answers, don't you?" The lady in the blue velveteen dress said, almost as an afterthought.

"Yes," Chloe whispered in such a soft tone that nobody, but the M.C. could hear.

"That's right," the woman said, with a smirk crossing her lips. Then turning to the live audience, she said, "what will happen to this young woman if she gets ten or more wrong answers?" And the reply came across in a very loud shout. "She'll get THE BIG MESS!"

Chloe cringed when she heard those words. How many times had she heard them before. How many times had the very pretty Canadian used that phrase as she watched the show from home. The Big Mess was no longer a magical term. It was something dreadful in the way it came out. Chloe was not looking forward to the night's entertainment, for Chloe knew she was going to be it.

Returning her wicked gaze to Chloe, Jordana, a petite blond-headed woman who had the accent of the upper northeast, said, "tonight, we are going to do something a little different. Oh, it will still have a right answer and a wrong one. And possibly even a few ties. But it won't be a series of questions about the historical past or even current events. Our contestant will have to give an answer, and depending upon whether she is right or wrong, the outcome will still be a pie to the face or not."

"We're going to play a game called Hi/Low," Jordana continued, now talking to the studio audience. "With the card on the table, Chloe will try to guess correctly what the next card will be, higher or lower. Get it right and she will be rewarded with a nice, crisp, one-hundred-dollar bill."

And to further emphasis her point, Jordana pulled out a brand new one-hundred-dollar bill. After giving the members of the audience time to see the note, she returned her attention to Chloe. "But get it wrong and . . . well, we're going to reward you in another way, Haha." Her laughter had a sinister note to it.

"And now, it's time to begin tonight's adventure." And with that, Jordana, the M.C., turned over the first card. It was the Jack of spades.

"The Jack of spades is the set card," Jordana said in a calm and steady voice. "Chloe, do you think the next card will be higher or lower?"

"Lower," the dark-haired beauty said, in a confident tone. As the next card was the three of clubs, she proved to be correct. And Jordana handed over a one-hundred-dollar bill.

Chloe picked up another two hundred dollars when she correctly picked higher and saw the nine of spades turn over, and then the five of diamonds came up when she went with lower for her answer. Even though the five of hearts, the next card drawn, resulted in a tie, Chloe was flush with the confidence of having three hundred dollars in her hands. That all came crashing to a halt, though, when the deuce of diamonds came up. And Chloe had gone higher.

"Oh shit." the brunette, from Calgary, the city famous for hosting the 1988 Winter Olympics, mumbled under her breath.

"Oh, I am so sorry," the M.C. said, though it was obvious that she wasn't, "but you have lost. And you know what that means."

And then without further ado, she slapped one of those big, gooey, dark brown, chocolate pudding pies into Chloe's face.

Brown goo went everywhere. In an instant, Chloe's face was covered with pudding. Even much of her scalp was wearing that slop as Jordana had slid that pie up, from Chloe's face, and over her head. Chloe was a mess. It was going to get much worse.

"Fuck!"

Ooh . . . I'm going to get that Bobby. If it's the last thing I ever do, I will make him pay for this.

"Is that a new kind of makeup, dear," Jordana said with a smirk, "What is it, Eau de earthtone?"

Chloe gave her an evil look.

"Bite me!"

Jordana laughed and then said, "well, it's time to get on with the show. The set card is the two of diamonds. Do you want to go higher or lower."

"Are you kidding me, higher of course."

And Chloe won another hundred dollars when the four of clubs came up, and she won again, when the six of clubs came up as she went higher, one more time. Going higher for a fifth straight time, however, proved her undoing as the two of spades was turned over.

"Oh, I am so sorry, Chloe. You just don't seem to be having any luck with deuces today, do you?"

"Fuck," Chloe whispered barely loud enough for anyone to hear.

This time, it was a banana cream pie that Jordana slammed into Chloe's face. And once again, she delivered it with a resounding splat. This time, though, it was a yellowish goo that inundated Chloe's face.

"The two of spades is on the table, Chloe. What is your next pick, higher or . . ."

"Higher, you fucking idiot!" Chloe interrupted before Jordana could finish her statement. It was abundantly clear that Chloe was not happy with the turn of events.

Chloe's luck turned around and she added another two hundred dollars to her wallet as the Queen of spades came up, and then the eight of diamonds was drawn when Chloe picked lower for the first time in seven draws. But her luck ran out when Chloe kept going lower.

Now, the eight of any suit, is the worst card to choose from. You have even odds, or a fifty/fifty chance of winning or losing. There are six cards lower than eight and six that are higher. With any other card, you at least can play the percentages and hope for the best. The eight is pure luck. And this time, Chloe's luck turned sour.

"Oh, I am so sorry, Chloe," Jordana said as the Jack of hearts was turned over. And this loss brought Chloe's face up close and personal to a blueberry cream pie. Purple goo, along with small blueberries and purple-tinged whipped cream streamed down her face and directly onto her boobs. Things didn't get any better with the next card.

Once again, Chloe went lower, but this time the percentages just weren't there for her. Jordana drew the King of hearts.

"FUCK ME!" Chloe all but screamed. "This isn't fair!"

But she took the next pie, another of those big, gooey, chocolate pudding pies. And Chloe's face was all but obliterated by slop of various colors. This time it was back to the dark brown of chocolate.

With a King on the tables, Chloe went lower, and won another hundred dollars with the ten of clubs. However, the next card up was the Queen of clubs, and poor Chloe had gone lower. This time, Jordana brought a coconut cream pie straight down on top of Chloe's head, in what some call a pie hat.

"Ha, Chloe, you look so good in your new hat. It's the height of fashion, isn't it?"

"You can take your fashion shit and stick it up your ass, you little . . ."

Chloe had now lost three of the last four and was feeling a little surly.

Her luck turned, however, as Chloe won the next seven cards in a row. First it was the Jack of diamonds as Chloe went lower, and then the four of hearts as she went lower again. Then Chloe went higher and drew the King of clubs. The seven of diamonds, followed by the five of clubs continued bringing in c-notes, another term for a hundred-dollar bill. Then Chloe went higher and was rewarded with the King of diamonds. Going lower saw the seven of spades drawn, and Chloe pocketed seven hundred dollars.

Chloe's winning streak came to an end, though, as the four of diamonds was drawn, and Chloe had gone higher.

With a sigh, Chloe held out her arms, as if saying, go for it.

And Jordana did. Picking up one of the custard pies, the M.C. pulled the top of Chloe's dress out, and then before she could react, Jordana slid that pie down onto Chloe's breasts. And she didn't stop there. Jordana really ground that pie in, but good.

You fuckin' bitch!

Chloe was only partially mollified when the Queen of diamonds brought her another hundred dollars. She had gone high with that one, but then came crashing back to earth when the King of spades was drawn. And naturally, Chloe had chosen lower.

This time, Chloe didn't even have a chance to prepare herself for the next messy onslaught. It was as if Jordana was holding that strawberry pudding pie in her hand and just waiting for the opportunity.

SPLATTTTT!!!!

And this time, Jordana didn't smash the pie in Chloe's face. She threw it. And from a distance of only five feet, that pink pie exploded on contact with Chloe's pretty face.

"You fucking bitch!"

Oh shit. Did I just say that on national television . . . crap.

If it weren't for all the pie slop covering Chloe's face, the entire audience would have seen her go beet-red with embarrassment.

"I'm so sorry."

"It's alright," Jordana laughed. "I've been called that before, and believe me, I have heard worse. Ha!"

With pink, gooey, slop dripping off her face, Chloe got back on the winning track when she went lower and saw the four of spades turn over. And she won an extra three hundred dollars on the eight of clubs, six of diamonds, and nine of clubs, having correctly guessed higher, lower and higher. But all good things do come to an end, and so did Chloe's four-game winning streak. With the nine of clubs sitting on the table, Chloe played the odds and lost when the Ace of diamonds was turned over.

With her face and outfit already trashed, there was nothing else for Chloe to do but sit and take the next pie. And this time, Jordana plopped a bright red cherry pie into Chloe's face. As Bing cherries and cherry slop left their mark on Chloe's face, she felt it slither down and off her chin, to land on her boobs.

But Chloe got back on the winning streak. Or at least a non-losing one. Two ties along with four wins started when Chloe called lower with an Ace sitting on the table. And the ten of spades was turned over, followed by the two of clubs. These cards added two hundred dollars to Chloe's twenty-one-hundred-dollar bankroll.

The two of hearts was the next card drawn, and the tie did not help nor hurt Chloe. She didn't win another hundred dollars, but Chloe didn't have to take another pie in the face either.

With a deuce sitting on the table, Chloe's choice was easy. And the seven of clubs brought her total winnings to twenty-two hundred dollars. Another tie came when Jordana turned over the seven of hearts.

Chloe added another hundred dollars to her war chest when the nine of diamonds came up as she guessed higher. But, another Ace, this time the Ace of Spades got Chloe another chocolate pudding pie to her face. The Ace of hearts, however, was up next, though the tie did not hurt Chloe at all. With more chocolate goop rolling down her face, Chloe went lower.

And the six of hearts turned up next which netted Chloe another hundred dollars. The six of spades was another tie, and Jordana commented on the extraordinary number of ties. Just when Chloe was starting to feel good, again, the three of diamonds brought her back to earth. Unfortunately, she had guessed high.

"Oh hell," Chloe laughed, finally getting with the flow of things, "bring it on."

And Jordana did, with a sloppy lime pudding pie. Now, Chloe's face and a large portion of her scalp were covered in bright green slop.

"Oh . . . that was . . . lovely . . . so lovely," the beauty, now covered with so many layers of muck as to be totally unrecognizable, said to Jordana. "What more do you have for me?" And she said this with a sardonic laugh.

"Oh, you just wait and see," Jordana came back with a sinister reply. "Just wait and see."

Jordana, with a silent count, knew that Chloe had just taken her tenth pie and so, was going to get The Big Mess.

"Ha! That's what I'm afraid of!"

Though the nine of hearts netted Chloe her twenty-fifth one-hundred-dollar bill, another Queen, the Queen of hearts, put Chloe on the receiving end of another of those creamy custard pies.

"Sorry, Chloe. You lost . . . again!" And then, a grinning Jordana, pushed that messy pastry into Chloe's face, adding another layer of grime to the woman who had started the day so immaculately dressed.

Shit. Two out of three . . . and three out of the last seven. Plus two ties. I've only won two hundred dollars with the last seven cards.

When's it going to stop.

But the pain, or actually, the mess, did stop, as Chloe won the next four rounds, starting with the ten of diamonds, which she correctly guessed would be lower, though just barely. Going low again, Chloe saw Jordana turn over the three of spades, and then her guess of high paid off when the Ace of clubs came up. Correctly going low, Chloe was rewarded when the ten of hearts was turned over.

But her winning streak came to a halt when Jordana turned up the Jack of clubs, and Chloe had picked lower.

"Oh shit. That sucks," the brunette beauty said with the beginning of a smile crossing her muck-covered face.

"Well, bring it on, Jordana!"

This time, however, Jordana did something different. Instead of picking up just one pie, the M.C. picked up another of the blueberry cream pies as well as one of the strawberry pudding pies.

"We're going to do something a little different, this time, Chloe."

"What's that," sensing something was up, Chloe was not happy, and it showed on her goo-covered face.

"Well, you've been here for the better part of an hour now, and we haven't fed you."

"So, I thought a nice sandwich would hit the spot."

Chloe, caught up in the moment, had not realized that Jordana was standing directly behind her.

"What's that supposed to . . . no, I'm not hungry . . . I don't need no stupid sandwich. Oh fuck . . ."

SPLATTT!!!

"A pie sandwich, Chloe. I thought you would appreciate a pie sandwich."

Oh, that fucking bitch . . . Bobby, I am so going to get you!

With one pie being a brilliant purple and the other one having a pinkish hue, Chloe's face was evenly divided in contrasting colors. And she was pissed.

"You fucking bitch . . . YEAH! I don't care if we're on television. You can just kiss my ass. BOBBY, Bobby, do you hear me, I am going to get you back. You just wait and see."

But Bobby, sitting in the front row of the live television audience, didn't seem too worried.

SHIT. Look at me. I'm a fucking wreck.

But the next two cards, a five of spades, which Chloe correctly guessed lower, and the eight of hearts, with a higher guess, netted Chloe another two hundred dollars, bringing her total winnings to three thousand dollars. Not too bad a haul for an hour's work along with a little humiliation. Ha!

Another eight, the eight of spades was drawn from the dwindling deck of cards giving a total of six ties, something almost unheard of with a deck of fifty-two cards. But it also left Chloe in the unenviable position of random chance. And this time, she lost, when Chloe went higher, only to see the three of hearts be turned over.

"Oh, Chloe, what a way to end," the emcee, or Master of Ceremonies, of So, You Think You Know It All! said just before reaching around and slapping Chloe on her ass with another of those messy muck bombs called a chocolate pudding pie. Chloe had been standing for the last several minutes as all that slop just kept running down her face and onto her boobs.

And with that, the first round of the game show was over.

"Chloe, I am so sorry to say, but you have had more than ten pies, and you know what that means," Jordan said turning toward the audience. "She'll get THE BIG MESS!" They all shouted in unison.

Oh fuck.

"Nooooooooo!"

As Chloe stood there, with mucky slop running down her face, over her chin and down onto her slop-covered boobs, her head dropped. When she did that, more of that mucky slop ran off her nose and dropped to the floor or onto her ruined heels. She knew she had been beat, fair and square. And she knew it was time to pay the piper.

Fuck me. Bobby . . . oh Bobby, I am going to kill you. So help me, if it's the last thing I ever do, I will . . . kill . . . you.

When she looked over to where her boyfriend was sitting in the studio audience, Chloe was filled with rage.

That smug bastard is sitting there . . . like a strutting peacock. I can't believe . . . ooh . . . I'm going to . . .

"So," Jordana, the emcee of So, You Think You Know It All! said sotto voce, " the way this works is, since you received thirteen pies, you have to get The Big Mess. And that, is those three 5-gallon buckets of mess," she stopped to point at the buckets, one of which was poised over the muck-covered mound of feminine fury, "and they will be dumped over your head."

"You do understand that part of the messy punishment, right?"

"Yes," the young Calgarian said in a weak, almost little girlish voice, "I do."

Chloe, whose home in Calgary, Alberta Province, is less than four hours' drive time from Banff and Jasper National Parks, which have some of the most spectacular scenery anywhere in Canada, now retook her seat on that sloppy hard chair. She was trembling, though whether from being chilled under all the sloppy muck that covered much of her body, or from fear of the unknown, nobody could tell.

"Are you ready, Chloe, for your punish . . . for the Big Mess," Jordana cackled as she turned everyone's attention toward those 5-gallon buckets, which presumably held some kind of messy substance. "Are you ready, to receive . . . IT," she said almost triumphantly.

But Chloe, poor Chloe, the young lady, one of over 1.3 million people who call Calgary their home, couldn't look at the M.C. of So, You Think You Know It All! Chloe could only nod her head as she continued to stare at her ruined shoes.

Hanging above Chloe was a device, which basically was a very strong pully-system designed to hold a heavy weight such as an automobile engine. Five gallons of sloppy muck, though quite heavy, would be no problem for it, and that's exactly what was being carried over the pretty brunette's head. There were two additional buckets of mess sitting off to the side. As poor Chloe looked up, she gave an involuntary shudder. Then she looked back at Jordana.

And in her sweetest voice, and with a derisive laugh, the young Canadian said, "Fuck You, Bitch!"

Taken back a bit, for she thought she had Chloe totally cowed, Jordana, said, "No . . . the correct answer is, Fuck you . . . Bitch!"

And then, the pour started.

"ARRGGGGHH!"

"That is so cold."

Fuck! That is so cold. Shit. Oh . . . fuck me!

But she took it. Chloe sat there and took that entire bucket of brown slop, all over her head. When Jordana had finished the messy pour, not one square inch of Chloe had remained unscathed. You could no longer see where all the pies had done their damage. Chloe was covered in dark brown slop.

It's . . . It's . . . IT's MUD. It's fucking mud!

"It's mud. It's mud. I can't believe it. It's fucking mud."

Chloe, who had been dreading the deluge was happy. She was ecstatic. It was mud. It wasn't something dreadful. It was mud.

And she had always loved playing in mud, especially sloppy dark brown clay.

"FUCKING-A . . . It's mud!"

Chloe was virtually jumping for joy. And the crowd loved it.

"BRING IT ON! Bring on the mud. More mud, I say . . . Bring . . . It . . . ON!"

"Well," Jordana said to her more-than-captive audience, "I think she likes it. Okay, we'll bring on more mud."

And they did. It took a couple of minutes to unhook the now-empty bucket and replace it, but soon enough, another mega-dousing of mud cascaded down upon the muddy woman from Calgary, Canada. And this time, she took it squarely in her face, as Chloe tilted her head back to catch that entire round of brown muck on her face. And she did the same thing for the third bucket. When Jordana was finished with her mucky pour, Chloe looked like a walking, living, female statue made of mud. She looked like the goddess Aphrodite but made from living mud.

But something happened during that last pour. The sheer weight of all that sloppy mud, after the undulation of those mucky pies, proved more than Chloe's dress could handle. The brown-haired beauty tried several times to catch the falling dress, but finally that muck proved more than gravity could handle.

And with a resounding plop, Chloe's dress fell all the way to the floor, where it lay in a big pool of sloppy muck. But that wasn't all the damage the heavy mud did to Chloe's state of dress. When her mud-sodden dress fell, it pulled Chloe's ruined bra free, thus exposing her magnificent breasts for all to see. But she was so caught up in the ecstasy of the moment that Chloe didn't care. As she stood there, with sloppy brown mud rolling off her head and face, and then flowing down to further cover her boobs, Chloe started to get excited, as in really excited. Before long, she was fingering her nipples and rubbing that muck all over her boobs. And the audience was going wild. Chloe even took one of those buckets and scooped up a large quantity of the messy slop at her feet, then looked at the audience.

"Should I?"

"YES!"

So, Chloe, in response to her adoring audience, poured that slop all over her head and face. Then she started smearing it on her face and shoulders and then on her boobs. And the audience got even wilder.

"Ha," a red-faced master of ceremonies said as she saw what Chloe was doing. "It's a good thing this isn't a children's show."

The audience was going crazy. Everyone was dancing with joy. And Chloe was, perhaps, the happiest person on the face of the earth.

"So, Chloe, you look very happy. Did you have a good time on So, You Think You Know It All!"

"YES, Yes I did!"

"Do you think you would come back and be a contestant on a future show?"

"OH YES! Absolutely. Anytime. Anytime you want me on your show, I will be here!"

And the smile that crossed her face was radiant. But Chloe did not understand that the next time, there would be no guarantee that THE BIG MESS would be mud. Ha!