UMD Stories


Gary Splotter And The Mysterious Mystery part 5
Story by Nollvanex
Posted 5/9/16     814 views
V. GAME & WATCH, or "Sorcery Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-a-rama"

"She's a cat girl?" Wrong asked, referring to Hymenea's new roommate, an exchange student from the French magic academy, Chatroulet. "So, she's an animorph?"

"No, she's just a furry. She takes her ears off at night and puts them on this plaster head she keeps on her night stand. It gives me the creeps."

"Is that why you've been joining us in the dining hall so much lately?" Gary asked. Usually Hymenea spent meal times studying in her room, taking uppers instead of food.

"Well, that," she answered, pausing to wash down a handful of pills with a glass of water, "and the bathroom smells like her litter box. Bubastis never changes it, even though it's her turn and I've left several strongly worded notes to remind her."

"Still not speaking to each other, huh?"

"No." Hymenea was starting to tingle as her pick-me-up began to kick in. "Woo! Well, I'd better go, got a lot of studying to do, guess I'll head to the library--"

"Ah, Hymenea, mon amie," a gratingly familiar voice interrupted her. A pair of delicate hands touched her shoulder, making Hymenea nearly jump in agitated surprise.

"Fifi! Speak of the devil," Hymenea said, gently extracting herself from the girl's embrace. "Gary Splotter, Wrong Wienersley, I'd like to introduce Fifi LeMieux," she said stiffly. Fifi was a large-eyed brunette, short in stature but well-proportioned. Her leotard and tights revealed every curve of her lean, athletic body, leaving Hymenea feeling extra-dowdy in her bulky robes. But the most noticeable part of Fifi's appearance was a pair of pointed ears that peeked out from her tousled hair, paired with a long, flexible tail that emerged from a slit in her leotard just above her rump. Hymenea knew the ears came off, but she wasn't so sure about the tail, which curved and swayed expressively with Fifi's movements, as if alive. Even so, it might still be detachable: French magic was so kinky, Hymenea thought.

"We've . . . heard a lot about you," Gary said diplomatically.

"Are all the girls in France like you?" Wrong asked, practically drooling. ". . . So charming, I mean?"

"Aren't you sweet?" Fifi said, immediately taking the seat next to Gary and pressing in close. Her velvety tail curled around Gary to stroke Wrong's face on the other side. "Of course, I have heard much about you. Hymenea, why didn't you tell me you were friends with ze famous Garree Splotter, or how handsome he is? Your pictures in ze paper do not do you justice."

Gary hemmed and hawed--Hymenea knew how uncomfortable female attention made him--but was he blushing? The nerve of this feline floozy! "Well, maybe I don't have to go just yet," Hymenea said.

She slid into the bench next to Wrong, pressing just as close. It was Gary she really wanted to be next to, but making a Wrong and Gary sandwich with Fifi was the best she could do. Wrong didn't seem to mind, the letch.

"So, Garree," Fifi continued, "I have heard so much about zis celebrated English magic since I arrived--it is a shame you could not compete in ze tournament!"

Hogwallow and Chatroulet faced each other in a test of magical skill every four years: that was why Fifi was visiting. The tournament was open only to female students, but Fifi herself was not in the competition: Chatroulet's top student competitor was a girl named Kiki Dommage, who was staying with the Humpenmuffs. Hogwallow was represented in the games by Hymenea's detested rival, Venerea von Teton--the same girl who had engineered Hymenea's humiliation so thoroughly at Professor Shaghorn's party. The games had put Hymenea's plan to track down Vandecamp and win Gary for herself on hold, for now.

Gary shrugged. "It's just as well. I find that the regular Cribbage season takes up so much of my time--not to mention the commitment it takes to be the anointed savior of all wizardkind since birth," he added humbly. "That's mostly on the weekends, though."

Fifi practically melted into his shoulder like a pat of butter warming in the world's dreamiest frying pan. "You don't say," she cooed.

Hmmph! Hymenea would have to figure out some way to break up this little love-in. Her hand was twitching: she looked down to find that she had carved DIE FIFI into the table with a butterfly knife. Noticing it, Wrong said, "Cor! D'you think it's a message from You-Know-Who?"

Hymenea quickly covered it with a napkin. "Er--yes! Fifi's in great danger! It would be safer for her to go somewhere far, far away!" In reality, she knew that the uppers were making her jittery: it was time to level out. She discreetly scarfed down a handful of blues.

"Well, how about ze Bombardment finals?" Fifi said. "Kiki is competing today, and I will feel very safe with so many powerful wizards and witches around."

Wrong shrugged and popped a fresh butterfly wing into his mouth. "I dunno. Girls floating above a mud pit on magical platforms, trying to knock each other off by hurling slime-filled balloons at each other? That's so basic. I might take a nap instead."

Good, Hymenea thought. Perhaps Gary would feel the same way.

"They'll be wearing white jeans," Gary reminded him. Uh oh.

Wrong perked up. "Go on."

"White jeans, and wrist watches," Fifi said.

"Gary, I've suddenly taken a new interest in sport. Shall we?"

"Lead the way, Fifi," Gary said by way of answering. "Are you coming, Hymenea?"

It didn't look like she had a choice if she wanted to keep an eye on Gary and Fifi. She gritted her teeth and said, "I wouldn't miss it." The blues were starting to take effect: she felt smoother already.

+++

The arena was already full of cheering students when the foursome arrived. The Hogwallow students in their familiar robes and color-coded House scarves were mingled with the Chatroulets, girls and boys in skin-tight bodysuits like Fifi's. Some of them had the same cat's ears and tail that Fifi did, while others wore the pelts or claws of other animals, tiger-striped or leopard-spotted.

Jostling through the crowd, Wrong openly ogled the lithe forms that surrounded him. Surprised cries of "Oh!" and "Sacre bleu!" followed him as he couldn't resist the opportunity to pinch a shapely bottom or discreetly cup a breast as it pressed against him.

"You're such a letch," Hymenea admonished him.

"It's a public place, innit?" Wrong said, drinking in the fetishistic display around him. "I dunno why my petition to adapt the Chatroulet uniform instead of these heavy robes hasn't gone anywhere--I had plenty of signatures."

"You're the reason why, you perv," Hymenea reminded him. Still, there was something flattering about the way the thin fabric outlined the muscles of the Chatroulet students' trim bodies. The Chatroulet boys were as fit and handsome as the girls, and when Hymenea compared them to the pasty, doughy lads of Hogwallow, she found herself thinking distinctly unscholarly thoughts. Perhaps she could find out where they sold those uniforms and get one for herself, and maybe one for Gary, just to wear in private. . . .

"Oh, let's sit here, Garree!" Fifi's high-pitched giggle brought Hymenea out of her reverie: the cat girl was now hanging on Gary's arm, directing him to a pair of open seats in the front row. "Oh, I am sorree!" she giggled to Hymenea, "it looks as if zere are only two left! Desolee!"

Hymenea fumed as Wrong dragged her to another pair of unclaimed seats five rows up. They were directly above Gary and Fifi, just close enough for her to see her new rival make time with her beloved, but too far away to do anything about it. She crossed her arms and sulked.

"Welcome, students, faculty, and guests," the announcer's voice boomed through the cavernous space of the arena. "The Bombardment finals will now begin!" Nothing to do but settle in and watch, Hymenea thought to herself.

The floor of the arena had been turned into a sea of creamy brown mud. Above it floated several platforms, flat on top with rocky stalactites depending from the bottom; they hovered in mid-air, held aloft only by the collective efforts of the Magical Sporting Commission. The highest were a hundred feet in the air, the lowest only twenty or so above the mud.

"Please welcome our visiting competitor, from Academie Chatroulet outside Coeur-de-lion, France: Kiki Dommage!" Cheers greated the slender brunette who floated into the arena on a small version of the rocky platforms that hung in mid-air. "And representing Hogwallow School of Magical Mastery: Venerea von Teton!" The thunderous applause that greeted von Teton was even greater. Hymenea sunk further into her seat, refusing to clap as the Hogwallow champion levitated into the arena on another platform; I wouldn't give her the satisfaction, she thought to herself.

By contrast, Wrong was on the edge of his seat, craning his neck to get a good view. As Gary had said, the two competitors wore form-fitting white jeans and boots and, for some reason, wristbands with tiny clocks on them. Each wore an animal skin wrap that left one breast exposed, like an Amazon warrior: leopard-skin for Chatroulet and emerald snakeskin for Hogwallow's Slipperin House. They both worked the crowd, lifting their arms to coax louder cheers and applause from their respective schools. The Chatroulets may have been outnumbered, but they made up for it with near-hysterical yowling, arching their backs and hissing. It was kind of freaky, and Hymenea found herself glad she was sitting among fellow Hogwallow students. No one set up a louder caterwaul than Fifi LeMieux, who stood and leaned over the wall that separated spectators from spectacle as she yelled.

"Don't forget that the first three rows are the designated 'Splash Zones,' so I hope you brought your ponchos!" the announcer said, to the hoots and hollers of the rowdies from both schools, mostly boys, who crowded the front rows of the arena. Poor Gary! Hymenea thought: he was probably mortified by the prospect of getting drawn into this vulgar display.

"Looks like Gary's enjoying the show already, innit?" Wrong said, elbowing Hymenea in the ribs: down below, Fifi was leading the boy wizard in a hip-shaking, booty-swaying dance along the front row. Hymenea's heart cried out when she imagined how reluctantly Gary must have been convinced to cast aside his dignity.

"Poor Gary," she whispered to herself as Fifi pushed her shimmying breasts into his face. "Don't worry. I'll get you out of this mess--somehow!"

"Did you say something?" Wrong said, not taking his eyes off the sight. "Does that give you any ideas?" He pressed closer to Hymenea; she shifted to the side, choosing not to dignify that with an answer. Male and female couples were supposed to keep far enough apart that a copy of the Necronomicon could fit between them, a rule most often observed in the breach: watching Fifi cavort with Gary, however, she doubted there was room to slip a single sheet of parchment in the gap.

"And there's the flag!" Hovering on a mobile cloud, a demon (from the fifth dimension, bound to this one until someone said its name backwards) waved a green flag and scooted out of the way. Instantly, the two competitors leapt into action, jumping from platform to platform and picking up weapons that had been left there beforehand. Kiki grabbed a broom and Venerea picked up a bow and quiver of arrows.

"I thought this game was wands-only?" Hymenea said, watching Kiki fork her broom and zip around the outer perimeter while Venerea nocked an arrow and took a bead on her opponent.

"They changed it up this year," Wrong said. "Archery has been so hot lately."

At the tip of the arrow Venerea had pulled back, a rubbery-looking sphere like a balloon inflated; when it was the size of a ripe cantaloupe, Venerea released it. It arced toward Kiki and struck a platform near her. The sphere split open and a burst of green fluid splashed out, some of it staining Kiki's white pants as she zipped by. The crowd oohed and ahed.

Venerea continued to run and gun, firing off the slime-balloon arrows as she leapt from ledge to ledge. Kiki flew high up into the lights of the arena and zoomed back down, diving toward her opponent and strafing her with similar balloons that ejected from the back end of the broom, like a bird laying eggs on the wing. Soon both girls were streaked and spattered with the brightly colored slime, in all the colors of the rainbow.

The audience gasped. "Looks like Venerea von Teton almost took a tumble!" the announcer said. "She'd better get herself some wings if she wants to stay in the game, and soon!" Hymenea's nemesis had caught herself on the edge of a platform where she had slid, and was hanging by one hand. Kiki was headed straight for her to drop her into the mud.

The audience noise subsided and then erupted in cheers as Venerea caught her legs on one of the hanging stalactites and swung down to the platform below. A heavy cast-iron cauldron sat on this hard-to-reach spot. Venerea climbed in, and with a vroom! the cauldron lifted up in the air and began flying; it handled like a barge compared to Kiki's zippy little broom, but Venerea could fly it and fire arrows at the same time; she had leveled the playing field.

"Watch out, section L!" the announcer said, interrupting his play-by-play to single out the front row of a section the girls were flying toward. The students in L lifted umbrellas and plastic sheeting to shield themselves from the splattering balloons of the fly-by. Somewhere along the way, Kiki had picked up a crossbow that fired the same kind of balloons as Venerea's bow; the platforms and the ground below were spangled with multicolored bursts from the balloons that zinged back and forth. The audience went crazy.

As the two opponents moved back toward the center of the arena, Hymenea was distracted by some of the students in the splash zone: a blonde Slipperin girl was being held out over the wall by some boys. She was laughing and protesting, but it was clear that if she broke free of their grasp she would fall right into the swampy mud. They pulled her back before it could happen, but the incident set the wheels in Hymenea's mind turning: there was Fifi, leaning over the wall. All it would take was a little push . . . and that's what she got for sitting in the splash zone, right?

Hymenea's thought was interrupted by the shock of something cold and wet dousing her and the seats around her. "That's not the splash zone! Venerea von Teton is out of bounds, a ten-point penalty!" the announcer said at the same time Venerea's cauldron flew away from Hymenea. The cauldron was full to the brim with oozing slime--is she just sitting in it up to her waist? Hymenea wondered--that drizzled out as Venerea tipped it. Hymenea could have sworn that as Venerea looked back over her shoulder she was sneering maliciously at her.

Oooh! Hymenea was livid--the slime had completely covered her. Wrong was likewise covered, but seemed to think it was a blast. It was just part of the daily bacchanal that was Wrong Wienersley's life, apparently. "I told you this would be fun!" he said, grinning through the pink and yellow goop. She could have slapped his stupid face.

Worse yet, Hymenea looked down to see Fifi LeMieux looking up at her and laughing--she had wanted to sit in the splash zone, not Hymenea! Gary was still watching the two flying witches, who had continued battling at the other end of the arena. Turning back to the action, Fifi sat in Gary's lap and wrapped her arms and tail around him. That slut!

That's it! thought Hymenea, she's going down! Venerea was an awful bitch, but Hymenea already knew that and wasn't currently in a position to pay her back, but Fifi!? She was on Hymenea's turf, and it was time for this kitty to feel Hymenea's claws!

From that moment, Hymenea watched Fifi like a hawk, waiting for her to edge closer to the wall. She doubted Venerea would take another pass at her, but that didn't matter any more. The Slipperin champion was getting her comeuppance from Kiki Dommage right now, in fact: veering away from a fusillade of slime balloons, Venerea's cauldron collided with the edge of a platform, spilling out Venerea (and several gallons of slime). From the waist down, she was completely coated. She scrambled to pick up her bow and take cover.

Fifi leapt to her feet, cheering and clapping. "Hai, Kiki! Formidable! Allons-y!" Hymenea could hear her shrill voice over the roar of the crowd. Fifi leaned out, only supporting herself with her waist against the wall, her arms upraised. Seizing her chance, Hymenea discreetly grabbed her wand; holding it inside her robe--her classmates thought it was still squibbed, and besides, what she was doing wasn't exactly polite--she centered her attention on the cat girl's lower back, just above that ridiculous tail, and gave it a push.

"Aiii!" Fifi tumbled over the wall, sprawling in the mud with a splat! The spectators around Fifi reacted with laughter and pointing fingers, and Hymenea savored the pitiful sight of the cat girl slipping and sliding in the thick clay, working herself in deeper as she tried to escape until she was completely covered in the stuff. That'll teach her, Hymenea thought.

"Did you see that?" Wrong asked excitedly. "Fifi just jumped right in! She's a wild one, that."

"Oh?" Hymenea said innocently. "Tsk, so declasse. Pardon my French," she giggled. Down below, a few students in the front row leaned over, trying to take Fifi's hand--not Gary, though, she thought with satisfaction--but the wall was just a little too tall and Fifi was unable to get any traction.

"It looks like Venerea has noticed some interference on the field," the announcer said, and sure enough, the Slipperin competitor, back in her flying cauldron, was circling the wall toward where Fifi struggled to climb up. Hymenea could just see Fifi's mud-streaked face contort into a grimace as Venerea dumped a load of slime on her and strafed her with a few balloons for good measure. Bursts of color layered on top of the slime and mud, leaving Fifi unrecognizable. Better her than me, Hymenea concluded smugly.

Kiki, following Venerea, realized the struggling girl in the mud was one of her schoolmates and tried to lower her arm as she flew by on her broom, but she couldn't get low enough; it was as futile as reaching the hands offered from the front row. The referee demon, floating above, lowered a long line with a hook at the end, hoping to pluck Fifi out of the muck, but nothing worked. Hymenea chortled; it was the best show she had seen in months.

Suddenly, an ear-splitting caw! rent the air, like the cry of some monstrous bird. "Uh-oh! Looks like Venerea and Kiki have taken too long--that sound means the round is in overtime," the announcer said. "And here come the pterodactyls!"

From gates in the walls at each end of the arena, two enormous leathery-winged bat-lizards darted forward, gliding just above the surface of the mud. The one closest to Hymenea was orange, the other green. The orange one's beady eyes peered from side to side, taking in the unfamiliar interior of the arena. "At the beginning of overtime," the announcer said, "Venerea von Teton has a slim lead with 276 points, while Kiki Dommage stands at 260. Whichever player captures their pterodactyl first gets 300 points and wins the game--it's almost as if the preceding round meant nothing at all! Here come the competitors--watch out, this could get messy!" Venerea and Kiki had both swapped out their projectiles for old-fashioned lariats: they would try to loop and bring down the flying reptiles while staying clear of their fearsome jaws!

The green pterodactyl spotted Venerea and lunged after her; she sent her cauldron higher and higher until she was at the right distance to turn and cast her rope at the beast. But the orange one, attracted by the motion on the ground in front of Hymenea, headed straight for Fifi, whose scramble for safety now took on life-or-death importance! "The officials are telling me that the spectator who jumped onto the field needs to get back into the stands now," the announcer said. "Otherwise, they might have to flag Chatroulet for interference!" The visiting students hissed and booed the announcement, but there didn't seem to be any more effort to get Fifi out of there.

Hymenea's prank didn't seem so funny now with the pterodactyl barreling down on Fifi. She hadn't meant for Fifi to get hurt! She scanned the rows of seats in front of her: nobody was doing anything, either too frightened or indifferent to get involved. Even Gary Splotter--brave, heroic Gary!--was just sitting in his seat like a lump. Hymenea didn't like the idea of Gary cradling Fifi in his arms and lifting her out of the pit--that's my fantasy, she thought--but it was the right thing to do. So what was he waiting for?

"Wrong, do something!" Hymenea cried, grabbing her seatmate's shoulder.

"What do you expect me to do!?" Wrong said.

"Give me your wand!" If Hymenea wanted something done, she would have to do it herself. But she still didn't want to reveal that she had a functioning wand.

"My hands are full," Wrong said evasively, "but you can grab it yourself--it's at the bottom of this popcorn bucket!" For some reason, Hymenea hadn't noticed the enormous tub sitting on Wrong's lap.

"All right," she said, and then recoiled: "Eww! Not that wand! Forget it!" She leapt from her seat in disgust and pushed her way down the stairs to the front row, where she found Gary still sitting and watching the game intently.

"Gary! Do something! You have to help Fifi!" Hymenea said, increasingly desparate.

Gary covered something with his hand and hissed, "I'd like to help, but I'm busy!" Busy? Busy doing what? Hymenea wondered. She soon found out as Gary began speaking into his wand and the announcer's voice--his voice--boomed across the arena. "It looks like Kiki's having a little trouble with her pterodactyl--it's distracted by the student who jumped onto the field. That's a ten-point penalty the judges have just levied against Chatroulet, with a threat of complete forfeit!" The crowd roared and hissed.

Hymenea fumed. Gary is the announcer!? she thought to herself--why didn't he tell me? She looked over the wall: it looked a lot further down to the muddy ground than it had when she had been sitting up higher. Kiki was still down there, slick and slimed with mud: her little pointed ears were knocked askew from her mud-matted hair, and even her tail was heavy with the goo. Only her big brown eyes were still visible through the coating of muck as she looked up at Hymenea plaintively. "Ah, mon amie! You have come to rescue me, oui?"

Guilt shot through Hymenea, overcoming her panic. "Uh, yes, that's right! Hold on!" Wand or no wand, here goes. Muttering a flying spell, Hymenea swung her legs over the wall and jumped down. Splat! Her boots sank deep into the mud, almost up to her knees. It was hard to keep her balance and she was still wearing her heavy robes.

"Now another student has jumped into the ring," Gary announced. Another student, indeed! He knew very well who it was--but did she detect a note of concern in his voice?

"Grab hold of me," Hymenea told the panicking French girl. Soon her robes were as coated with mud as Fifi's leotard as she scrambled to find purchase. Caw! Caw! The pterodactyl loomed overhead, blocking the lights like an avenging shadow.

"You're . . . too . . . heavy!" Hymenea grunted: Fifi had probably doubled her weight with all the mud that soaked into her leotard, a load that similarly burdened Hymenea's robes. Between them they were stuck, no matter how much magic Hymenea expended.

"Don't you have any magic?" Hymenea pleaded; the pterodactyl was close enough that she could feel the rush of air beneath its flapping wings.

"Non, non. . . . I--I used it all up charming Garree," Fifi said, lowering her head in shame.

"What!?" Hymenea said, the arena and its battling witches and pterodactyls forgotten.

"Oui, c'est vrai. . . . I was so taken with him, but I was afraid zat I was not alluring enough on my own. So I cast a petite spell."

Oh, this just gets better and better! Hymenea fumed inwardly. But that meant Gary hadn't chosen Fifi over her. There was still hope for her! Fifi looked so sad and downtrodden, so pitiful, Hymenea couldn't help but feel sorry for her. She decided she would make an effort to be Fifi's friend.

But first they had to get out of there. "Oh, hell," she said, suddenly disrobing. Beneath the mud-caked outer clothes, she wore only a white camisole and drawers, which quickly took on brown spatters from the arena floor. She was also wearing a wristwatch. She brandished her hidden wand and held it aloft. A beam of light shot straight up, and the pair of girls, clinging to each other, rose effortlessly along it through the air.

The audience erupted in cheers for the rescue, and the spectators in the front row interrupted their clapping only long enough to help Hymenea and Fifi get back into the stands. Even Wrong was there, lifting Hymenea down by her waist. "Thank you, Wrong, I'm quite safe now, you can let go," Hymenea said.

"A daring rescue from Hymenea Gunger of Hogwallow," Gary said, his voice echoing through the arena, "and Fifi LeMieux is okay. Truly an example of interscholastic cooperation. . . . Oh, and apparently Venerea von Teton has won the Bombardment championship. I--I didn't see it, but good for her. Let's have another round of applause for Hymenea and Fifi!"

Across the thundering arena, Hymenea saw Venerea standing atop her bound and hogtied pterodactyl, the great green reptile stretched out prone on the arena floor. She looked ticked at being overshadowed by the rescue effort, but at that moment, surrounded by her friends and flooded with relief, Hymenea didn't care at all.

TO BE CONTINUED . . .
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