What Would You Do? continues its 30th anniversary run on Comedy Central, and so far, it has been unrelenting in its messy brutality.
> In its debut episode, a young man failed a yoga challenge and was on the receiving end of a pie barrage in the new combo Pie Pod/Pie Wash contraption, "The Pie Machine."
> A man and woman, forced to play a game together, both got destroyed, him via the Pie Machine, her via a new-and-improved Pie Coaster.
> A bridal party failed a physical challenge and each received ropes of cream from penis-shaped cannons in their custom matching outfits.
> And on its most recent episode, the show entered the final frontier, demolishing a young couple with pies and slime after the guy failed to win a game of darts. He even "purchased" more darts by stripping off items of clothing, but still failed, and ended up at the bottom of the Pie Slide completely naked.

The show's raunchy turn has saved its bacon: ratings are up, ad dollars are coming in, and with the show's shoestring budget after all, its only real expenses after the crew is the cost of making mountains of whipped cream prospects are looking up. The network continues to push its writers toward more extreme elements, but with the audience catching on to the show's antics, they've decided to go outside the studio audience for its next contestants.

The Setup
"You deserve this, Morg! You're gonna get a great guy out of this, just you watch."

So said Annie, Morgan's best friend since their freshman year of college, after Annie revealed that she signed her up for a mystery matchmaking show called "Elimidate". When the producers saw Morgan's name, they cancelled the entire casting call. They knew they had their girl. Now on the drive over to the studio, Morgan was having her doubts.

"But I'm not getting paid for it," she said. "Plus, what the fuck is this? A segment on a show on Comedy Central? It's not even its own show!"

Morgan was the epitome of cool, at least as mid-twenty-somethings went. She was a fashion vlogger, an influencer of sorts. And though it was surprisingly hard work, it did come with perks: lots of fashionable clothing, all for free, in exchange for glowing reviews on her social channels, which, across YouTube, Instagram, and TikTok combined, brought her over 160,000 followers and almost a million views per month. Morgan posted constantly, and though she wasn't earning the mega-dollars she thought she'd be getting by now, she figured it was only a matter of time. Anyway, living in Central Florida, it wasn't like she was in a media capital. She had to take what she could get.

But dating had been rough. At 24 years old, she was over the college bros, but had no use for the townies and local weirdos she deemed beneath her. She was out of their league and they all knew it. But who did that leave her with?

Morgan absentmindedly opened Tinder, with its 423 new likes and 161 new messages. This was exhausting. And this was just since last week! Yet all she could bear to do was swipe left, left, left. Over and over and over, until her eyes glazed over. She thought to herself, "I honestly just cannot. Guy shows up for a date, he's a 5 out of 10, drink, second drink, no chemistry, goodnight, next!"

Snapping back to attention, she swiped away Tinder and opened up Google. As she tapped away, her face quickly turned into a pout. "All I see are these corny YouTube clips from another show in like, 2003. Are you sure about this?"

"Girl, stop overthinking it!" Annie said as they pulled into the studio lot. "Just be yourself and have fun! Remember, you don't have to do the work, it's the guys who have to impress YOU."

Annie put the car in park and handed Morgan a small drawstring bag. "The producers wanted you to give this to them," she said. She softly pushed Morgan's shoulder toward the door. "Now go in there and get yourself a fuckboi!"

Morgan reluctantly exited the car. Her walk was that of a woman exuding confidence. In a pink body-hugging crop top, white miniskirt and 3-inch heels, she sauntered toward the security guard manning the back door. Annie looked at her best friend's shoulder-length chestnut brown hair, her slender 5-foot-5 frame, and at her shapely ass, swaying from side to side as she walked. She knew her bestie was finally going to get a good guy. It's a hot girl on a TV show, she figured. How could they possibly screw this up?


The Preparation
Having had no trouble with the security guard, Morgan was escorted to the backstage area and to a small but functional dressing room, where a producer and a makeup artist were waiting for her. She would have her makeup retouched, and would stay there until her segment of the show. Nowhere to be seen were the guys who would be competing for her attention. They were being held in similarly spartan conditions in a dressing room on the other side of the building.

Morgan spent most of her time in the makeup chair texting Annie, ever more suspicious about all of this. As her makeup artist worked, Morgan heard a soft murmur emanating from outside her door. Over time, it became a dull roar: the audience filing into the studio. There was no going back now.

A few minutes later, the producer returned to brief Morgan on the gameplan. She turned on a TV with the studio feed, currently showing a static shot of the audience filing in. Sometime later, the cameras sprung to life, show's theme played, and the show got underway.

"Hi, I'm Marc Summers, and this is What Would You Do! How's everybody doing today?"

A hearty round of applause followed, from an audience that seemed especially voyeuristic today.

"This is the show where we put contestants in zany situations, to find out what they would do to win with great prizes!"

Marc continued, "Today we've got something a little different. Who here is a fan of The Bachelorette?"

Squeals rise from the audience as mostly women clap, whoop, and raise their hands skyward in over-the-top fashion.

"Well today, we've got a very special treat for you. We've cast one very lucky lady and we're gonna give her the pick of four great guys. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to ELIMIDATE!"

The audience cheers some more, some of them in relief that they won't have to get called on to play some of the humiliating, messy games that have been the show's calling card to this point. Heck, maybe there won't be any mess at all. Maybe they'll actually play it straight for once.

"That's right, folks! Now we want to start with a bang, so we've got a VERY special lady joining us. You might know her as TheMorYouKnow on YouTube, Instagram, and TikTok, dishing out fashion advice and clothing reviews, and we are SO excited to be able to set her up today. Please welcome our bachelorette, Morgan!"

Some of the twentysomething women in the audience are actually starstruck as they watch Morgan sauntering out on stage in the same way she walked toward the security guard. She's oozing confidence.

And yet, Morgan is surprised by what she sees: the small-ish audience, the funky-looking contraptions lining the sides of the set, loaded with what looks like, are those pies on them? And then the bright studio lights. She was a cheerleader in college at UCF, but the lights and attention were always on the athletes. In her apartment "studio", she was usually behind cheap ring lights from Amazon, or a tiny lightbox to make her space look nicer. This was the real deal.

She takes a seat, cross-legged, on a high-top wooden stool to Marc's left. A stagehand hands her a microphone.

Marc addressed her directly. "Hey Morgan! How are you doing today?"

"I'm doing great, Marc!"

"So are you excited to be the very first contestant on Elimidate?"

"I'm a little nervous, but it's fun to be in the driver's seat!"

"That's exactly right. Luckily, you've spent a lot of time in front of a camera, so I'm sure you'll eventually barely notice they're there. Now, tell me about your dating life, would you please?"

Not one to notice her own vanity, Morgan gave her version of her sob story. "Yeah, it's not great. I've been on the apps mostly, but there are just so many guys and it's hard to know who's real, you know? So I've had tons and tons of likes, but not many first dates, even less second dates, and obviously no one's in the picture now. It's just so hard to find someone who I really like!"

Marc sympathized. "Well, today we're going to make it extremely easy for you. We've got four incredible guys, and they're all vying for YOUR affection. So ladies and gentlemen, let's bring the boys to the stage!"

Applause erupts as the four guys emerge from the darkness. They range from cute to very hot, though they all look traditionally attractive. Based on physical appearance alone, this first episode was not going to be a step forward for diversity. The men take seats on low-top stools to Marc's right, designed to visually put Morgan in a position of power.
Marc took over once again. "Welcome, everyone, to Elimidate! If you could all stop undressing each other with your eyes for a second, I'll explain the rules!" The audience chuckles, knowing they're complicit too.

"From this point forward, guys, Morgan will evaluate you on anything you do or say. The way it'll work is, Morgan will introduce herself, and then each of you will too. We'll then hand you blindfolds and whiteboards. Morgan and our producers have put together a list of questions for us to get to know you. Use your whiteboard to answer, and hold it out in front of you for all of us to see. You'll be blindfolded so that you can't see or be influenced by any of your opponents' responses. But of course, Morgan, me, and the audience will all see your answers."

"And at any point, Morgan can stop the game by shouting what word, Morgan?"

"ELIMIDATE!!"

"And do you know what happens then, sir?" Marc points the microphone at the guy closest to him on his right.

"No idea."

"Well, let's show them, Melissa!"

Marc's stagehand Melissa emerges from stage right, wheeling a cart with a white tablecloth on it. Apparently, with the show's recent success, they could now afford to go bigger, because on the rolling table were not pies, but three full-size rectangular sheet cakes. The cakes were decorated with colorful icing resembling the What Would You Do? logo, and it quickly became apparent that these cakes would not be sliced up and served on party plates for everyone to enjoy. The audience ohhhs in anticipation.

"Guys, you'll still be blindfolded. So you'll know Morgan wants to eliminate one of you, but you won't know who. So when she yells the magic word, we'll have her pick up a cake, you'll remove your blindfolds, and she'll walk up and down the line. When she finds the guy she wants to eliminate, she'll take the cake and the loser gets it right in his face, okay?"

The audience hears exactly what they wanted to hear and cheer appropriately. They came to see mess, and now they're getting more than they expected.

"But that's not all! We have ALL these machines around the studio that otherwise won't get any use today! So in addition to throwing a cake in your face, Morgan will also get to choose which pie device we'll use to finish you off!"

The audience cheers even louder. It's like a Roman colosseum and Morgan is the tiger.

"And! And! If Morgan wants, one of you will get the distinct honor of being the first victim of our brand-new creation. Melissa, can you show them?"

Melissa is at far stage left, between the Pie Slide and the audience. She pulls back a curtain to reveal an absolutely massive dunk tank. A ladder ascends ten feet above the stage floor to a platform spanning the length of a cylindrical pool. Unlike a regular dunk tank, where the victim's feet graze the water, if the seat releases, the victim would fall a full five feet into a container with a large clear window in the front. All anyone can see through the window is pink, though, as the pool is not filled with water, but with a viscous pink liquid, resembling a strawberry milkshake. There's even a fake straw poking out, leaned against the side of the tank. It's as if the Crowning Glory in the Pie Pod was not dropped onto a person, but a person was dropped into the Crowning Glory.

The audience groans, whoas, and applauds at the sight.

Morgan is grinning from ear to ear. She is absolutely giddy, shouting "Oh, I'm definitely sending someone in there!"

"Okay! So without further ado, let's play the inaugural version of What Would You Do's "Elimidate!"


Elimidate
Not shy to show off her boisterous Italian personality, Morgan looks them directly in the eyes as she begins. "Hey boys! My name is Morgan, I also go by TheMorYouKnow, because, if you DON'T know, I'm a fashion vlogger and influencer. I actually have over 160,000 followers on social media, and I absolutely love what I do. When I'm not working, I love taking care of my Yorkie pup Rupert, and I keep an active lifestyle, so someone who's in shape and likes to stay fit is an absolute must. I'm working on visiting my fifth continent next year, so I'd love to have a travel partner to help me backpack across Southeast Asia!"

Marc takes back over. "Thank you so much, Morgan! That's a great introduction. Now guys, it's your turn." Marc gestures at the person on the far end. He's an Asian guy with an athletic build, wearing a slim-fitting forest green t-shirt bearing the name of a local coffee shop and short shorts showing off his toned legs. "You sir, can you begin?"

He takes a mic from a stagehand. "Definitely! Hey, Morgan, how are you? My name's Jesse. I'm 25 years old, I'm a proud Filipino-American, and I'm so happy to meet you! My sister loves your channel, and I'll be so excited to tell her--"

"ELIMIDATE!!"

A groan comes from the crowd as literally everyone stops dead in their tracks. This is too early, isn't it?

Even Marc yanks his head to his left, looking confusedly at Morgan before recovering and finally speaking up. "Hold on, are you sure, Morgan? Are you trying to eliminate Jesse?"
She responds resolutely and enthusiastically, "Yes, I am!"

"But why? You just met him two seconds ago."

"First of all, he just outed himself as a fanboy, and I don't fuck with that. And second, I had a Filipino boyfriend in college and he cheated on me, so I'm sorry Jesse. You're probably a nice guy, but you gotta go."

Realizing Jesse wasn't given a fair shot, the crowd groans again, but they soon begin to applaud, knowing he's about to get wrecked by a cake. The cameras cut directly to Jesse, whose face is frozen in a mix of disappointment, confusion, and fear. His mouth is agape, his brows furrowed. But the attention quickly shifts back to Marc.

"Alright Morgan! Well, I'll ask you to get down off of your stool and grab one of those lovely What Would You Do cakes!"

Morgan does exactly that, taking a second to find an extra creamy one. She doesn't seem to find one to her liking, so she calls Marc over and asks, "Wait can I use two on him?"
Marc is even more taken aback. "You want to use two cakes on him?"

Morgan enthusiastically nods yes.

"Uh, well, we don't have extra cakes but Melissa, can we maybe bring out a pie for Morgan?"

The crowd is absolutely eating this up. They see this Mean Girl about to pummel a poor guy for doing nothing wrong except being the same ethnicity as a bad ex-boyfriend. Melissa hands Morgan a pie, which she balances in her left hand, a sheet cake in her right. She approaches Jesse and stands to his right.

Jesse looks up at her and mouths something like, "Please don't." But his fate has been sealed.

Marc gives the command. "Alright audience! Morgan has eliminated Jesse and now it's time to make it official. On the count of three Morgan, let's give him his prize!"

ONE! TWO! THREE!

A loud BLOONK! sound effect echoes through the studio as Morgan takes a wide stance, pulls her right hand back, steps forward, and fires the cake straight into Jesse's face. He gets absolutely crushed. His hands fly up and his neck whips backward as frosting, cream, and doughy cake fly everywhere, even showering some audience members behind him. His entire head, as well as the top half of his t-shirt are completely covered, and as the cardboard underneath the cake flies over his head, we see Jesse's hair blown in all directions, his face absolutely smothered, leaving nothing but his mouth wide open in shock.

Can it open even wider? Morgan finds out as she quickly takes the pie and slams it down hard onto Jesse's crotch. We hear an agonizing OHHH as Jesse reacts to the surprise shot to his manhood. His legs reflexively curl inward as Morgan rubs the pie in, then finally reveals his shorts totally covered in pie cream and crust. This is one way to begin this game!

The audience applauds at the carnage. Jesse is nothing but fodder for their entertainment, apparently. And it's not even over for him yet.

Marc comes over to Morgan and asks, "So was that satisfying for you, Morgan?"

"Oh abso-fucking-lutely!"

"Well he's not done yet! Where should we send him?"

"He looks a lot like my ex, so the less I see of him, the better. I think the Dunk Tank would be absolutely PERRRRFECT for him!"

Another massive round of applause as Melissa stands Jesse up. A huge wad of pie and cake splatter on the floor. Melissa leads him over. Jesse ascends the ladder, and as he sits on the bench, covered in pie and cake, he thinks to himself. First, how this bench is much higher than it seemed on the ground. Second, this is not what he expected to happen when he got a DM from a random Bumble account asking if he wanted to try out "a better way to find a date."

Either way, Morgan approached the target with a heavy looking yet fake sledgehammer, ready to finish Jesse off.

Marc urged the crowd on. "One more time audience! On the count of three, yell Elimidate!"

ONE! TWO! THREE! ELIMIDATE!!!

Morgan swings the hammer, hits the target square, and the bottom immediately drops out under Jesse. He screams in fear as he feels himself falling. His hands fly up on the way down, and he hits the pink slime hard, making a massive splash and quickly going under. Slime shoots in all directions, sending Morgan scrambling for cover. After what feels like forever, Jesse's head finally emerges from the milkshake, his 'O' face again on display, wider than ever. The audience applauds once more as he pulls himself out of the tank, looking like a pink monster with slime dripping from his waterlogged clothes and all of his limbs. He grips the waist of his shorts, which are now so soaked and heavy that they're falling down on him. Totally disoriented, he wanders offstage to try to get cleaned up.

Marc took the show to break. "And that's how Elimidate works, ladies and gentlemen! We'll take a short break, but don't go anywhere, we'll be right back!" The monitors in the studio played slow-motion replays, first a side view of Jesse's head whipping back as Morgan slammed the cake into his face, then of him falling, his frightened face in full view as he hit the drink and quickly went under. A bouncing What Would You Do logo settled in the lower right corner of the screen. Fade to black.

During the break, Marc is seen laughing to himself. He can't believe how well this is going. Morgan established a character and is going hard after these guys. He walks over to her, puts his arm around her shoulder and says, "Keep doing what you're doing. This is really great." Clearly, he's not invested in finding her a soulmate, just seeing these guys get publicly humiliated one by one.

Marc gets counted down, and the show is back. Applause.

"Welcome back to What Would You Do! We're playing our dating game Elimidate for the very first time, and we haven't even made it all the way through introductions, but our bachelorette Morgan has already gotten rid of one of the guys! So you on the end there, let's hear from you!"

Marc points at a 5-foot-11 guy, tall and lanky with dark, slicked back hair and chiseled features. He's wearing a light blue button-down shirt and jeans, like it's his "business casual" outfit. Because it is.

"Hey Morgan, my name is Derek. I'm 24 years old and I work in investment banking. I make slides by day but I make some kick-ass sliders by night. With me, you'll never go hungry. And for the record, I can't wait to see you cake the rest of these guys."

The crowd whoops it up for Derek. He passes the mic to the man to his left. He's even taller than Derek, and even more attractive. He looks to be of Mediterranean descent. He's wearing a loose-fitting workout shirt with the sleeves cut off. And he. Is. Jacked. Not to mention really smooth with the mic.

In a slight accent, he says, "What's good, Morgan? I'm Tommy, I'm 26, I was born in Greece, but I was raised right here in Florida. I travel a lot, to visit my family back home and to explore the world. Just take one look at me and you know that I'm that active guy you're looking for. At the end of the show, I think you'll find I take the cake! Just not the ones you're gonna throw in these faces of these fuckin' clowns." Tommy gestures with his thumbs at each of the other guys.

The crowd ohhhs in amusement. They whoop for him too, as he passes the mic to the left to the final remaining contestant. He's a little shorter than the others, and his "good guy" qualities don't come out easily in a show like this. He's in shape, but not overly muscular. Attractive, but not hot. Confident, but not cocky like Derek and Tommy. He does have a cute smile, though, which he makes sure to flash Morgan's way. He stutters at the top of his monologue, as if he has a hard time getting his words in order. Is it a lack of self-confidence?

"Hey, uh Hi Morgan, how's it going. I'm Alex, I'm 24, and I work in pharmaceutical sales. I love hiking, biking, and I especially love college football Saturdays. Go Knights! Once you get to know me, I think you'll find that there's no reason to waste any of those cakes on me!"
Being a former UCF cheerleader, Morgan loved the reference to her alma mater's football team. She returned his smile as he finished up.

Marc said, "Alright, great! Now we're gonna blindfold each of you, and give you some whiteboards. Morgan is going to ask you a bunch of questions, and again, whenever she wants to eliminate one of you, she'll say the magic word, and someone is going to join Jesse in the showers backstage! Morgan?"

By now, Melissa has blindfolded them all and given them small whiteboards and markers. The game finally begins. A dance beat plays in the background.

"Bachelors please estimate, how many US states have you traveled to?"

Derek writes "20". Tommy writes "25". Alex writes "35". The crowd murmurs to themselves, and Morgan seems satisfied with the responses. She continues.

"Bachelors what is your favorite food?"

Derek writes "Cheeseburgers". Tommy writes "Quinoa". Alex writes "Sushi." The crowd chuckles after seeing Tommy's ridiculous answer. Morgan nods her head as if to say, "hmm, that's interesting."

"Bachelors, I just want to tell you I'm vegan." A murmur from Derek, who recognizes his answer is anything but vegan. He braces himself for the magic word

But it never comes. He takes a breath once Morgan asks the next question with some sass in her voice.

"Bachelors how many sexual partners have you had?"

The crowd loudly whoaaaas. Did Morgan write this? Or did the writers?
Derek writes "10?" Tommy writes "plenty" with a winky face. Alex writes "A good man never tells". Groaning from the audience as they process the responses.

"ELIMIDATE!!"

Marc's eyes light up and he takes over. "Alright, Morgan! It's time for another elimination! Let's get you off that stool and would you please pick up one of those cakes? Bachelors, please remove your blindfolds."

Morgan moseys over to the table to pick up another cake. The guys look at her apprehensively as she approaches. They look up at her mischievous face while she walks up and down the line. She cocks her arm back and fakes out Tommy, who flinches at the sight. Morgan laughs to herself and continues walking down the line.

Suddenly, she takes a wide stance, cocks her arm, and throws the cake hard into Alex's face. PLOONK! He makes a belated attempt to block the cake with his hands at the last moment, but he fails and takes the full brunt of it right between the eyes. Morgan has gotten better at her technique, slamming the cake at a downward angle so that it smothers Alex's clothes. His navy blue polo shirt gets plastered, and huge chunks of cake fall into his lap. Morgan wipes her hands theatrically and ambles away, indicating a job well done.

Marc approaches her, faking outrage. "Well, well, well, happy birthday to you, Alex! Morgan, that was so meanl! What did he do to deserve that?"

"I've met guys like him before. When he wrote 'I'll never tell' or whatever, I knew right away that he was a virgin. And I think for a virgin like him, he'll enjoy taking some cream from those dick cannons. Send him to the Creampie!"

The audience explodes in vigorous applause. In any other situation, they'd pity Alex for being exposed the way Morgan just did, but not in this situation. The cameras zoom in on Alex's face, and though it's covered in cake, his embarrassment about his virginity is palpable. He buries his face in his hands after Morgan seals his fate, and Melissa approaches to stand him up. She leads him over to stage right and seats him in the Creampie, the new device used on the bridesmaids in an earlier episode. Each of the four cannons have been maneuvered to unleash their payloads on a single target: Alex. He eyes the fake penises apprehensively, with a look on his face like he might wet himself. The camera catches his dread through the Plexiglas that surrounds him.

The pulsating music fades and is replaced by a recording of what sounds like a man close to orgasm. The voice grunts and moans, and only gets louder. Alex braces himself for the inevitable. The moans get more pained until finally, the mystery man explodes, and so do the penis cannons, shooting four simultaneous blasts of cream into Alex's face. And not just once. Like any ejaculation, the cream blasts come one after another. Four times, five, six, until finally it stops.

Alex's hair has been blown all over the place. Thick cream drips off the cake covering his face, and his clothes are soaked from the chest up. But the ordeal is not over yet, because Morgan grips a ripcord just outside the Creampie and yanks it down. A plug releases from the bottom of a bucket suspended over Alex's head, unleashing 10 more gallons of runny fake cum all over him. Alex futilely throws up his hands, and screams in agony as the deluge hits his head and soaks him to the bone. Finally, the shower slows to a trickle, and applause envelops him (or is it Morgan?) for a job well done. Melissa lets him out of the Creampie and leads him toward the backstage area to get cleaned up.

The dance beat resumes, and Marc once again takes over. "That was insane! I wonder if he'll tell his friends about how he lost his virginity today, what do you think?" The audience laughs, albeit a little bit uneasily.

"But now we're down to two contestants! So guys? Blindfolds, please. And Morgan? The floor is yours."

"Bachelors: what is your favorite movie?"

They write on their boards: Derek says "Sideways." Tommy says "Inception."
Morgan snorts and rolls her eyes a little bit. Sideways, dude?

"Bachelors: what is the scariest animal?"

Derek writes "Fish at the bottom of the sea". Tommy excitedly scribbles, "My aunt's cat Millie! Pure f-ing evil."

Morgan realizes these questions aren't telling her anything. She decides to ditch the notecards and come up with her own at this point.

"Bachelors: tell me your secret sexual kink."

Hearing the sudden tonal shift, the audience whoaaaas loudly.

Tommy writes in huge letters "BDSM", and enthusiastically shoves his whiteboard in the direction of the camera. Derek takes longer, as if he either doesn't have one or is too embarrassed to admit it.

"Need an answer, Derek!" Morgan chides. He finally writes "cuddling", which leads the audience to collectively awwww, even though it's nowhere near a kink. Morgan smacks her forehead. She's close to deciding, but elects to continue.

"Bachelors: you have one date to impress me. In 10 words or less, where do we go and what do we do?"

Derek recalls Morgan's desire to travel, and counts on his money being an ally: "a quick weekend getaway to St. Tropez." Tommy, doubling down on his cooking ability, writes, "Homemade picnic/makeout sesh on the beach at sunset."

Morgan has heard enough. "ELIMIDATE!!"

The audience applauds. Marc tells her, "Alright, Morgan. Let's get that last cake. Gentleman, blindfolds off please!"

Morgan hops off the stool, excitedly picks up the cake with two hands, and approaches the two remaining bachelors. This time, she doesn't bother to draw it out. She puts her arm around Derek's back and shoves the cake right into his face. His legs kick up in an attempt to keep his balance as she grinds the cake up and down: into his hair, onto his shirt, and all over his face. She sends the cardboard bottom up over his head and down to the floor. As with the others, she walks away purposefully, this time straight over to Marc. He doesn't even have to ask.

"Derek is too boring. 'Sideways?' Bro, seriously? He needs some excitement in his life. Send him to the Pie Coaster!"

The crowd roars while Melissa steps over to a stunned Derek, guiding him to the Pie Coaster at the back of the set. As Alice found out during the second episode of the show, the new Pie Coaster is much more vicious than the original, featuring a gaming-style chair that offers no protection whatsoever to its rider. Riders still rip through tissue paper barriers, but two cream cannons have been set up immediately after the first, primed to surprise the victim with two high velocity blasts of mess right to the face. Melissa guides Morgan and Tommy to the cannons, which have been outfitted with ripcords that will fire their contents when pulled.
Marc whispers to them. The paper barrier obscures Derek's view of this exchange. His face is covered in cake anyway. "As soon as he blasts through that first barrier, I want you to pull those cords and give Derek a nice little surprise."

Derek takes a seat in the chair, his expensive outfit already splattered with cake. Marc encourages Morgan: "Alright Morgan, it's your call. On the count of three, we'll see Derek here get the messing of his life. Whenever you're ready!"

"ONE! TWO! THREE!"

Derek can only shut his eyes as the chair begins to roll beneath him. He descends down the first hill, then flattens out to break through the first paper barrier.

"WHAT WOULD!"

BLOOOOFFF! Morgan and Tommy both yank their cords with perfect timing. Derek flails in his seat, his arms flying toward his face, as he gets nailed with two vicious explosions of blueberry pie filling, one from each side of the track. It seems the cannons were loaded with the one substance guaranteed to ruin the victim's face, hair and clothes. He feels blueberry chunks caked to his body and syrup soaking through his shirt as he rides up a small hill, and down its backside to break through the second barrier.

"YOU DO!"

He rips through the barrier and opens his eyes momentarily, only to be greeted by an absolutely massive pie heading right toward him. He tightens up and prepares for the worst, and yet he can't fully prepare himself for the overwhelming feeling of

PLOOOONK! Another silly sound effect plays as he gets rammed straight through the pie. The "crust" breaks in order for his seat and his body to plow through it.

His tailored pants take the first hit, followed by his bespoke blue shirt, already spackled with cake and wet, chunky blueberry pie filling. It'll be a miracle if the dry cleaners can get the stains and the spoiled dairy smell out of these.

His arms, which never returned to his sides after taking the cream blasts, go next.

And finally, his face, already plastered with cake and shot with berries, gets mercilessly driven through the giant pie. His open mouth quickly gets crammed full with pie, muffling the moan he emits as all his senses go into overdrive. He was idly checking his Instagram when he got a DM for a casting call, looking for "terrific guys like you." Little did he know that he would be discarded in the most humiliating of ways, all for the sake of entertainment.

He emerges on the other side, a mix of cream and saliva dribbling out of his mouth and onto his shirt. The chair reaches the top of a steep hill, then glides backwards through the back of the pie. He climbs the short hill near the second paper barrier, then reverses momentum and rolls straight into the pie a second time, again met with the silly sound effect. Backwards he goes, then through the pie a third time.

To Morgan, boring guys were the WORST, so as the cameras cut back to her, she is doubled over, laughing hysterically. This may not have been the dating show she had in mind, but it turned out to be much more fun than she ever imagined. And as a bonus, she got to go home with the hottest guy of the four. And they both stayed clean! How lucky could she be?
The audience's applause is the loudest it's been. They got to see three unworthy guys get trashed, and though maybe the bachelorette isn't the most likeable person ever, she's no worse than any other woman cast on a reality dating show. 10 out of 10, very entertaining.
Marc quickly interjects. "Now wait a minute, wait a minute, the game's not over!"

The applause dies down. "We do have a winner, and it's Tommy! So let's have a round of applause for our new couple, Tommy and Morgan!" Once again, the crowd showers them with love. The two of them come together and give each other a hug. Despite their size difference, they look extremely cute together.

"But now it's time for our new couple to be put to their very first test. Morgan, I hope you've been paying attention, because after the break, we're going to bring back the three guys you eliminated, and they're going to test how much you remember of them!

"Tommy, your work is done. However, YOU, my friend, are gonna take a seat in the Pie Slide!"
The audience ohhhhs at this random but welcome turn of events.

"And as for you Morgan for the entire show, you've been comfortable while these guys have been squirming in their seats. Now it's your turn to squirm, in an outfit that your friend Annie has chosen for you."

Marc points at a monitor offstage. All the screens in the studio cut to a brightly lit closet backstage, where a tiny, shiny silver bikini is on a hanger, seemingly with barely enough fabric to cover her nipples and her vagina. The crowd rises to its feet in applause, knowing that the tables are finally turning on the girl who was so mean to her suitors.

"When we come back from break, you'll be the one in the hot seat. You'll be in that bikini, and you'll need to answer all three of their questions correctly to stay clean. But if you get one question wrong, we'll give them a pie and the opportunity to get some payback right to your face, okay?

Morgan covers her mouth with her hands in disbelief, her eyes open in shock. The applause only grows louder. Marc raises his hand to quiet the audience and get through the rest of the rules.

"And if you get a second question wrong, they'll get to smack your ass with another pie!"
The audience whoops even louder. The hot girl in the miniskirt getting a pie spanking? In that so-called "bathing suit"?

"And if you manage to get all three wrong, the last guy will get to pie your boobs, and not only will your new friend Tommy get sent down the Pie Slide, but you'll also get finished off too, after your trip to the Pie Machine!

The audience is in hysterics. Already, Morgan is squirming, spinning around on stage, her face buried in her hands.

"It looks like you need a minute to gather yourself, so we'll take a break, but don't go anywhere, folks! The final showdown between Morgan and her Elimidates is next!"

The cameras focus on Morgan's terrified face as the show goes to break. In her mind, it was fair game to do this to some random guys, but this was so beneath her. Annie was going to have hell to pay after this.

During the break, Melissa ushered Morgan backstage to change. When Morgan was cast, Annie was told to put the skimpiest outfit she could find in a bag and to have it delivered to the set. Now faced with the reality of having to wear this outfit on television, in full view of all of her clients, Morgan couldn't believe she didn't have the foresight to look at what was in the bag. She hand-delivered it right to them!

Morgan stepped into the bikini bottom, the cloth barely able to cover her pubic hair, which she thankfully trimmed yesterday. But the shapely ass that Annie stared at from the car was completely exposed, some string between and above her cheeks doing nothing to cover her up. She struggled to get the tiny bikini cups to cover up her nipples. If someone pies my breasts, she thought, the girls are totally coming out of this.

Still in her heels, she walked back to the stage, much less confidently this time. All three Elimidates were already in place. All of them tried to clean up, with varying levels of success. Jesse was still mostly pink from his milkshake bath; Alex's hair was in all directions after getting wrecked by the Creampie; and Derek, having had the least time to clean up, was still in his soggy clothes, white cream still smeared all over him.

The crowd cheered as Marc got counted back in, louder than ever as they got their first glimpse of an almost totally-naked Morgan. The brunette's body language was a lot less flamboyant than it was before the commercial break.

"And we're back here on What Would You Do," Marc said. "Out of four very worthy guys, Morgan has chosen Tommy to be her date on our very first episode of Elimidate, and now it's time to put them to the test. Morgan could get pies thrown at her face and some very sensitive areas if she can't answer questions about the guys she eliminated, and by the looks of it, that bathing suit probably won't be doing much protecting at all. Can Morgan save herself and Tommy in the Pie Slide? Melissa, give these guys some ammo, will you?

Melissa handed a pie to each of the three guys Morgan eliminated. As the first eliminated, Jesse was the first to ask a question. They stood opposite each other, each behind a podium with a microphone on it.

Jesse asked, "Morgan, you were so quick to cake me, you probably don't even remember the other fact I told you. How old am I?"

"Oh fuck," Morgan said. She recoiled and felt herself starting to sweat. She didn't remember. She tried to estimate based on his look. Relatively skinny clean-shaven still developing facial features

"23?" BUZZ.

Marc's eyes lit up, and so did the audience. "Nooo, I'm sorry Morgan, that's incorrect!"
Marc approached Jesse. "Jesse, Morgan eliminated you before the game even started! She caked you in the face, pied you in the balls, and dunked you in a vat of slime, so let me ask you. Are you excited to get some payback?"

"Oh, you have no idea," Jesse replied. He approached Morgan like a shark circling its prey.

"Well, Morgan thought she'd stay clean, but she thought wrong! On the count of three, Jesse, let her have it!"

Morgan pleads for mercy. "Please Jesse, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!" Jesse smiles and shakes his head no.

ONE! TWO! THREE!

PLOONK!! Morgan tenses her shoulders and balls her fists as Jesse clobbers her with the pie. The crowd goes crazy, the noise drowning out Morgan's muffled scream. She stumbles backward from the force of the hit. Her chestnut hair goes flying. Pie shoots in all directions, leaving a necklace of cream on her collarbones and showering the front row of the audience with mess. Jesse rubs the pie up and down for good measure, before sliding the tin over her head, leaving a trail of whipped cream, banana pudding, and pie crust all over Morgan's face and her wavy hair.

The image is an instant classic: Jesse walking away with his hands up in victory, and Madison bent over, squealing "OH MY GOD!". She desperately tries to wipe pie off her face but only makes things worse, smearing cream and pudding in with her mascara and eye shadow. All that time she spent on her makeup this morning in preparation for today, now completely ruined. Whipped cream slides down her chest, while chunks of pie fall off her hair, splattering on the floor.

"Wow!" Marc exclaimed. "There was some bitterness there! Alex, it's your turn, my friend."

"Since you like to travel so much," Alex said, "surely you'll remember my answer to this question: how many US states did I say I visited?"

"Goddamn it!" Morgan shouted into the microphone. She had no idea she'd need to remember all of these tiny details. Once again, she felt helpless, knowing that unless her wild guess was improbably correct, her ass was the next target.

"40?" BUZZ.

Louder applause as Marc shouted, "Wrong again!"

Marc approached the victor. Alex was brought so low after Morgan discovered he was a virgin. She sent him to a bath of fake cum, but the tables have turned. "Now you get to smack her ass with a pie, Alex. This must feel REALLY good."

"Yeah, she's gonna get it real good," Alex said.

Marc looked over at Morgan. "Morgan, turn around please." She pouted and stomped her right foot, but realizing that no one was going to save her, she finally accepted her fate and turned around.

"This game's not going too well for our internet sensation Morgan, but I have a feeling she's going to be an internet sensation of a different kind after this. Alex, on the count of three, let's turn her ass into a GIF!"

ONE! TWO! THREE!

THUNK! Alex swings his arm upward and spanks Morgan hard with the pie, causing her to cry out again. The audience explodes, as they watch pie cream splatter all over her bottom half: her thighs, lower back, and forearms all get creamed, in addition to the devastation to her tight meaty ass. Despite being very muscular, the impact causes her butt cheeks to jiggle and ripple outward, leading some in the audience to laugh and point at the monitors focused on Morgan's backside, while others pointed straight at Morgan's pie splattered face, mouth open in shock. Alex rubbed the pie around for good measure, smearing cream and butterscotch pudding around, before letting the tin fall to the floor with a clatter. Alex rubs the cream all over her butt with his bare right hand, and finally gives her right ass cheek a satisfying smack, leaving a handprint on her, a souvenir for how thoroughly she got owned. He can't help but cop a feel and squeeze, causing Morgan to whip her head around shout "fuck off!" at him. Off camera, Tommy is heard shouting "yo, bitch!" Alex gives them both a smirk as he walks away.

"Oh wowwww," Marc bellowed. "No love lost there, right folks? Alright, Derek, if you can stump Morgan, you'll get the last laugh on both Morgan and Tommy waiting up there in the Pie Slide! So what do you got?"

Derek didn't have much. He knew that she knew his favorite movie was Sideways, and his response to the kink question was so sad that it had to have been memorable. Meekly, he asked, "What did I say was the scariest animal?"

Morgan thought to herself. "These morons have totally fucked me, it's so unfair," totally disregarding the ordeal she herself put these guys through. Yet the last thing she wanted was to give this unworthy loser the chance to expose her breasts on TV. But she couldn't, for the life of her, remember his answer.

Until she did. Suddenly, she starting slapping her hip with her right hand. She knew this one! "Oh! Oh! It was, it was, uhhh the fish at the bottom of the sea!"

DING! DING! DING!

Derek looked up at the studio lights in disbelief. He wouldn't have his chance for revenge. Morgan saved herself! And her new guy Tommy!

Marc rushed in. "That's absolutely right! Congratulations, Morgan! Let's get Tommy out of the Pie Slide and reunite our lucky couple!"

The audience applauded meekly. Every other show had ended in total carnage, but this one wouldn't. You could sense the disappointment, especially since both of them had become so unlikeable, bullying the others in a way that only insanely attractive people could get away with. Now that the festivities were over, they saw Morgan for what she was: totally stuck-up and a jerk to the guys she eliminated. She was a real-life caricature of what "influencers" were believed to be. And she ended up with the biggest goon of them all, who happened to win only because he didn't give the dumber answer to the favorite movie question.

As funky music played over the speakers, Morgan and Tommy came together for an embrace. Tommy, ever the gym bro, ogled her up and down in her tiny bikini before giving her a hug, making sure to squeeze her tight to feel her tits right up against his barrel chest. He looked straight down at her messy ass, thought for a moment, then gave it a big squeeze with his left hand, his hand print covering the one that Alex left behind. It was as if to send a message saying, she's mine now, bro.

Recognizing him as the only person who didn't get messy, feeling him groping her in front of all of these cameras, and sensing his growing hard-on, Morgan took some pie from her face and smeared it all over his, both as a flirty gesture and to divert his attention from his horniness. They continued to celebrate together as Marc signed off.

"It was a successful debut for Elimidate! We learned so much about our daters and paired up two lovely people, who passed the first test of their new relationship. Join us next time as we bring in a new set of contestants and ask them that age-old question, What Would You Do? Goodbye, everybody!"

The credits rolled over a montage of messy clips from the game, and cuts to a smiling Morgan and Tommy. Only they knew what the future would bring for them. But as Marc left the stage, he knew what the future was going to be for this game. The ending was disappointing. For his show to survive, it would need more action, more conflict, more mess.

So he made a beeline to his executive producer, and calmly but firmly told him, "I want female contestants next time. Put them in bikinis.

"I don't give a shit if the couple leaves happy or not. I just want to see them all get fucked up. What she did to Jesse, let's make sure everyone gets that treatment. Exactly like that."