This one is an edit of a commissioned scene I wrote for someone in the entertainment business. Needless to say, there are a hell of a lot of embellishments here, but the seeds of the fantasy were hers. (And she did have pie-play on her dating site for a while, but the uber-creeps came out of the woodwork and freaked her the hell out. So, you know, typical behavior of the male Wammerus Americanus Commonus species chasing another female wammer back into the closet).



As I flipped through the dating site profiles, I came across one that startled me.

She was cute in her pics. A short, curvy dark-haired actress type, whose pics were an assortment of casual shots and theater candids. 'Hell yes', I thought, because she was short with a hell of an hourglass figure small waist balanced by a great ass and a superb pair of boobs. One pic was her, at a party in her little-black-dress, all cleavage and legs and smiles and champagne.

But that's not what got me. What got me was her paragraph. At the end, she writes that her guys 'should appreciate the pleasures of a good pie in the face. Oh yes. I said it. Pie in the face.'

I wrote her, and sent her some pics of me. In my note, I asked for clarification: 'throwing or receiving?'

She replied, 'Both.'

I wrote back, sounds fun. What's good for the goose, etc etc..

She replied, You passed. Friday. 7pm. Pick me up, we'll do classic martinis.

Once I got her address, I picked her up and took her to the best martini place I knew, by the sea. The bar overlooked a century-old walkway and a lighthouse, and the bartender was 105 years old.

I was in my best jacket, watch, and shoes, and she was in a black dress that showed off her completely distracting cleavage. And she was in tall boots, which showed some real character.

And we chatted, we laughed, we shared information. Finally, after the whack of the first martini, she said, Hey. So can I get candid? Or will you run away?

Get candid, I said. I'm not running anywhere. I dont' subscribe to this 'women can't be assertive' crap. Assert. Please.

Thank god!, she said. She put her hand on my arm. Look, I think you're hot. I mean, what the fuck. Your ass, boy, I'm just saying.. anyway, that's not what I meant to say.

Ok. And thanks., I said.

You're welcome. So what I meant to say was, in your note. On the site. You know. You said it sounds fun.

Oh, you mean pies?

Yep. That. Were you serious, or were you just trying to lure me out, like all the other boys do?

Oh, I'm serious.

Yeah, right., she said. Tell me the truth. You ever had a pie in the face?

I nodded. Yep.

You're lying!, she said, and punched my arm.

Nope! In college.

She looked at me like a detective looked at a suspect. Oh yeah? What kind of pie was it.

Massive shaving cream pie. It was for a theater thing.

She snorted a laugh, and leaned against me. My favorite kind! What happened?

Oh, you know. The script called for it, and I said the trigger word, and then, splat!.

Splat!', she smiled. I wish I'd seen that!

Oh, do you now?

She nodded. Did you like it? I mean, you didn't hate it, right?

Oh, it was fun. I didn't hate it, no. Under the right circumstances, it could be a hell of a lot of fun.

Uh huh., she said. I've taken a lot of pies. On stage, I mean.

Ah, so you're a pie in the face expert?

Oh yeah. Ok, so you have to tell me. What do you think are the right circumstances?

You mean for a pie in the face?

Uh huh.

She sipped her drink, and I said, Well, first of all, we're talking shaving cream pies, right?

She leaned in, patted my arm, and whispered, My favorite kind. Go on..

I said, Well, the right circumstances? Oh, man, how do I say this?

Say it before I slap you out of frustration., she said.

I laughed. Ok. First of all, of course the pies and just huge. It's shaving-cream, so you can make them absolutely ridiculously big.

Of course. What's the point otherwise? Ok, get to the point. . .big pies, check. Go on?

I said, Yeah, ok. So. Big pies. And the guy, and the girl, about to both be pied...

Lucky them, she said, looking at me.

I continued, Completely naked. I mean, what's the point of you can't feel the insane amounts of shaving-cream?

She leaned her head into my arm. Oh, my god.

I said, I mean role-play naked, with pies in the face going on? Seems like incredible foreplay, doesn't it?

Her head still leaning on my arm, she said, Oh, yes, yes it is. I mean, yes it does.

I asked, Can you imagine? Naked, fucking pies everywhere? Jesus. That's hot.

Oh, I can imagine. Naked. Pies in the face. Pies everywhere. Fucking.

I laughed. You ok?

She sat up. Yeah, I'm good. Ahem! So. Big fantasy of mine.

What is?

Well, I get pied twice a night when we're on. But once, just once, I want to go nude, walk out there, and just get fucking plastered. But I'd probably have an orgasm right there if I did. And we're not a striptease. So I can't. But I can dream.

I said, Ok, that'd be hot.

She said, Yes, yes, it would be. Ok. Ok, ok, ok. Are you serious?

Hell yes! Aren't you?

She said, Yes!

I said, Let me put this out there. You're fine taking off all of your clothes and taking a massive pie in the face.

Well, duh..., she replied.

I said, I think you also really, really want to throw a massive pie at your stripped lover. Am I right?

She smiled, and took a sip of her drink. Wellll, she shrugged coyly.

Come on, admit it.

She grabbed my collar, and said, I'd pour three cans of shaving cream onto a pie and I'd get your bare-ass-naked hot little body, motherfucker! Start at the face and work my way down.

I grabbed her collar and I kissed her. She kissed back, and incredibly.

I said, Oh man, you're a great kisser.

She said, You too. I'm totally wet right now.

Yeah, well you just gave me a hell of a hard-on with that kiss.

She raised an eyebrow.

I asked, TMI?

She shook her head, Not enough.

I said, You're very verbal.

She nodded. Yep.

And you have a massive slapstick pie fetish.

Yep.

Actually, a massive nude-pie-face-fetish.

She closed her eyes for a second, Mmmm!

I waited. She continued, Well, more like a naked shaving-cream pie fetish.

I kissed her again. The bartender was trying to ignore us. I said, Well, you're going to be totally pied, Miss Pie-face.

She said, Uh huh. So are you, mister pie boy.

Oh really?

Oh, you think I stop at getting pied? Oh no. You will be pied.

Ok, so it turns you on to get pied.

Oh, you have no idea., she said.

And, I said, it turns you on to pie me?

Oh, you have no idea!.

Oh, fuck.

Uh huh. You're gonna get it.

I laughed. Ok, bring it on, pie-thrower.

She sat up and smiled at me, I throw pies in my revue four times a week. Do you really think I'll spare you?

Hey, I'm supposed to be the dom here!

Oh, you think so , do you?

I said, You will be so, so pied.

Hey, I'm the one who loves getting pied. So I win if you take your revenge on me. But I'm going to pie you. And you love it, you know you do.

I said, Oh, I will take off my clothes...

Not if I take them off of you first..

And if you're going to pie me..

And I will, count on it...

Then it had better be good. I mean, if you're going to pie me, then really fucking pie me. Make it the biggest, thickest, deepest pie you can handle.

Deal! And yes, it will be!

I grabber her dress, and ended up with my hand inside of her bra, and I pulled her close and kissed her.

She said, Fuck me, you really do like getting pied, don't you?

I said, By a naked you? Is this a trick question?

She grinned a really pleased, happy grin, Oh, damn, that just makes me want to do it to you even more.

I said, Bring it on. Because once we get to your place, if your dress lasts more than 10 seconds on you, it will be a miracle.

Promises, promises. Likewise your pants, mister. You will be wearing nothing but a smile and an erection in about 3 seconds flat.

Uh huh. Hey, I'm more than happy being naked.

Me too. I prefer it. Walk around nude all over the apartment all day. Well, in a thong, but for you I'd rather go stark. Fucking. Naked.

All tits and ass all the time?

You better believe it.

And how many cans of shaving cream do you have at home right now?

Without hesitating, she repled, Twenty-three. I used one last week.

I laughed.

She leaned in and grabbed my head in both hands, So I have this fantasy. I need to tell you what my fantasy is. See, this handsome, sexy man takes me home, and he's so sexy that I just can't keep my clothes on.

Go on...

And all of a sudden, I'm completely naked. The girls are out, I'm bare-ass in the nude. And I parade around, for his benefit. And he finds me so irresistable that we remove his clothes as well. And I've made him so hard, because I'm stark naked. But I promised him some dessert. So I make some pies. Big pies. And he takes a pie, he picks on up, and I know what he's about to do, and I say 'Oh, fuck me if I'm about to take a great big pie in the face', so innocently.

And?, I ask.

And the hot guy gets me with a great big pie! Oh my! And I'm pied.

And you're fucked?

She whispered in my ear, Actually, if you did that to me, I'd fuck you right then and there.

Oh? You wouldn't pie me first?

Oh, no. I'll pie you and then give you a blowjob. Later.

We kissed for a while. And then, I said, You know, I'm serious about pieing you. I cannot wait. That's so hot, I can't explain.

She nodded, I know. I can't either. You can pie me whenever you want.

As long as you're naked.

Oh, I'll be naked a lot.

Same here.

Really? You're not just saying that? Not that it matters, I'd get you anyway.

Oh, you would not dare. Imagine that you have a pie in your hand right now.

Oh, god, lets go to my place right now and we won't have to imagine.

Right, 23 cans.

You have no idea....

Uh huh. So you. Me. Naked.

Jesus... not fair...

And you have a pie in your hand.

Not for long..

Would you really, really want to give me a great big pie in the face?

Oh god yes.

You'd enjoy that?

It would make me insanely hot.

Oh, man.

You love it.

I do indeed. And so do you.

Oh, yes. Yes I do., she said. It was clear that she had as much of a pie-trowing fetish as a getting-pied fetish.

She grinned. We left, and could not get to her place fast enough.

As soon as we were indoors, I gently pushed her against the wall and kissed her, and unzipped her dress. She was unbuttoning my shirt, but I got her dress off and she was down to a bra and a thong. She was working on my belt when I unfastened her bra, pulled it of, and immediately slipped her thong to the floor and she stepped out of it.

She gasped, and laughed, and said, Holy fuck, that was fast! I'm impressed! And I'm naked! She went to work on my clothes, pusing my shirt off and then stripping my pants and boxers down at the same time. Once I had lost all of my clothes, she groped my hard cock and smiled. I got my hands all over her big tits, her narrow waist and her soft, smooth ass.

We felt great together.

I pulled her close, and said, Ok, you sexy naked slut, where's my pie? You promised me pie!

She laughed, and before kissing me again, said Oh, wow, you are fun! Just a moment, sir, and I'll make you a nice, big, pie!

I said, Make two, and we an each have one.

She bounced off, and I watched her go. She came back with an armful of cans and a stack of large picnic plates.

She spread out a big sheet, and put a styro plate down. She started loading it with shaving cream. I'm making your pie right now, sir.

I said, It's about time. I hear that you make the best pies, wench.

I do! I do make the best pies.

And the biggest. You do have the biggest assets...

Oh, most definitely the biggest. And the biggest pies, too.

She kept pouring shaving-cream onto the plate, mixing it down to look more like a pie and less like a stream of lather.

You're making that pie very, very big, pie-wench.

Well, only the biggest, bestest pie for you!

She finished it, and it was huge! Tall, wide, and starting to overflow.

She started on another. I said, So when do I get my pie?

She giggled, Oh, soon, soon, I'm almost done!

I said, I've heard great things about getting one of your pies. I can't wait.

She laughed, Oh, neither can I!

She finished, and both pies were ridiculously big.

She said, So, handsome, which pie would you like?

I picked the slightly larger of the two. That one.

Oh, good choice!, she said.

I said, Right. Now, you naked, hot, sexy pie girl, pick up that pie and let me have it.

She laughed. Oh, you are so much fun!

She picked up the pie. She asked, This one? This is the pie you want?

It is.

Are you sure you want it?

Is this a trick question? Didn't you make that pie for me?

Oh, I did, I did!

And don't you want to give it to me?

She grinned, More than you can possibly imagine!

Well, then, aren't you going to let me have it?

She laughed again, Oh, you're making this too easy! I love it! No seriously, I love it.

I took a step closer. She said, Just making sure that you absolutely, positively want this pie I'm holding right here.

Yes, I do. I want that pie. In fact, I think you should really, really take that pie you're holding and let me have it.

She shrugged, and said, Ok. Here., and she handed me the pie, and stood there, grinning.

I smiled at her, and she shrugged. Well, I let you have the pie. So now what?

I just smiled, and said, Oh. My. God. You're so fucked.

She shrugged her shoulders and said, Ruh roh...

And I pied the hell out of her. One hand on the back of her head, and a pie in the face, swirling it in circles before I took the plate away. The shaving-cream just fell all over her tits, her shoulders, and her face and most of her hair was totally covered.

She was smiling, and I dragged the plate over both boobs, making sure that her suddenly stiff nipples were lather-covered in peaks of shaving-cream.

Eep!, she said. Oh, fuck me if I just got pied!

I pulled her close, and ran my hands all over her slippery, lather-covered tits.

Ohhh, damn, you're good. Fuck me. I need you to fuck me, right now.

I pulled her down to the floor, on top of me, and she quickly found my cock and slipped onto me, and we felt incredible together. I watched her as she fucked me, and I found her clit with my hand as globs of shaving cream slid off of her jiggling tits.

She moaned as I slide my finger and thumb along her clit as we fucked.

She then said, You would never pie me again while we were fucking. I know you wouldn't. You couldn't.

I reached over and grabbed the second pie.

I said, Oh yes, yes I would. Keep fucking me and you will get another pie in the face.

Oh, no, no no. I can't stop. This is so good.. you wouldn't..

I would.

No, Oh! Oh my god, oh my GOD! Oh.. no, you wouldn't dare, not when I'm on top of you, and OH! Jesus! And naked and so exposed and.. OH!

And fucking?

Yes! Yes yes yes!

Yes? You want this pie?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

I'm holding a giant pie, and if you keep fucking me, I'm going to completely let you have it.

Oh! Don't stop! Yes! Yes! Fuck me, fuck me, fucking fuck me!

Is that a yes?

Oh jesus, oh my GOD!

I pied her, again, and within seconds of my rubbing the pie all over her head and tits, she lost it, and shrieked into the pie. I pulled the plate from her completely pied face and hair, and watched as the lather fell in sticky blobs from her face and onto, and then down from, her big tits. She grabbed my hand to stop me, and out-of-breath, she wiped her face, and fell forward, smushing lather between her tits and my chest.

Oh, fucking hell, I will so get you for this, she gasped, That was incredible. Oh god, I need a minute!