Darcie's Wet Wedding Part 2

Never in my wildest dreams as a girl daydreaming about her wedding did I think that at five-thirty in the afternoon of my wedding day I'd be standing in Mom and Dad's backyard in my wedding gown, spread eagle giggling while my Matron of Honor's husband sprayed me up and down with the garden hose. But that was exactly what was happening and I was having the time of my life. Kellie, our photographer, wanted to add to the candid shots she got from our wet wedding that turned into a slapstick free-for-all before it was over, so we needed to try to get a little cleaned up from the earlier, cake fight no, make that cake massacre that my mom, Beth and my sweet, sweet hubby engineered to make me, and him, look like two human wedding cakes. Steven had hosed down Beth first. Then he did Jim and saved me for last because we all figured that the pink icing from the flowers on the cake would be the hardest to get out from my dress. Surprisingly, it came out looking pretty good after the hose down, at least good enough that Kellie didn't think any serious stains would show up under water.

To recap the day's events, Jim and I agreed that if it was going to rain on our outdoor wedding, then we were just going to get wet. Us tossing our umbrellas aside broke the ice with all of the wedding party and at least most of the guests, who all joined us in our insanity. The reception turned into a formal dress swim party and later devolved into people getting hit with cakes and pies. Some of us got hit MANY times! We danced in the pouring rain and every lady there got in line several times for wench tossing into the pond. Jim and I were in the pond a lot, especially with the girls and no one cared that the gowns, dresses, suits and tuxedos were ruined. We were too busy having fun.

Jim had sent Robert and Debbie off with some money to buy some supplies that if I were to guess, Beth, Ashley and I will probably end up wearing. Ashley had come around asking if she could be in the pictures. She was part of the party so we said, Sure.

Steven finished hosing me down. The look on his face when he did Beth and me said that he was thoroughly enjoying himself. Was that good for you? I seductively purred and Jim grabbed the hose and sprayed me in the face.

See what happens when you flirt with my husband? Beth asked. She screamed when Jim sprayed her in the back.

Kellie came walking back from her car with what looked to be a very elaborate and expensive waterproof camera, like you might use to take oceanography pictures.

That's a nice camera, Jim said. He was sort of a techy guy and always noticed the different gadgets people had.

Thanks, Kellie said. Anyone doing 'Trash the Dress' needs a quality underwater camera. You're not going to get good pictures with one of those you buy in the souvenir shop at Hurricane Harbor. Let's all get wet now before we lose the sun angle.

Kellie took several shots of Beth, Ashley and me diving off the dock. She sat in an inner tube so she would be below us. She had Jim jump in so he'd look good and soaked and then climb back up on the dock, dangling his legs in the water while I dove in next to him. We finally did a taking the plunge shot leaping off the dock together. Then Kellie jumped off her tube.

I can see why you didn't mind getting thrown in here over and over today, Kellie said. This water feels wonderful! I should have jumped in here earlier.

Kellie's clothes were only wet before from being out in the rain, and they had sort of begun to dry out after the sun came out. I hadn't really noticed before that she wasn't wearing a bra under that French cut t-shirt, but when she floated up on her back to enjoy the water for a second, everyone did. I can forgive Jim for looking because I looked too, but I still only like men, alright?

Kellie went right back to business after her little break and went under with the camera. She had me swim toward her and across in front of her underwater with my dress billowing out. She had Jim and me both under the water facing each other holding both our hands and then we did the ever-popular underwater kiss. She did a similar series with Beth and Steven. Jim and Steven were still in their semi-formal wedding attire remember: gray tux pants, white shirts and gray and white striped vests.

She did some solo shots of Ashley under water. She didn't have anyone to pose with since Peter had gone home to change for work that evening. I'm not sure Mom would have approved of them being in some of the romantic/seductive poses that Kellie put us in as couples anyway. More might lie in store for them in the future, but he was just her boyfriend for now. Ashley was eighteen, but she was still their baby.

One of my favorite shots is when she had Jim and me get in the same inner tube, me across his lap, and kiss while she climbed up on the slide and shot down at us from above. She had me hold my bouquet in that shot. Ladies, you'll never wear that dress again, and no, your daughter won't want it when she gets married. You didn't want your mom's! Have some fun in it! I have a black and white version of that picture on my nightstand. Jim lets me sleep in when he goes to work since it's still summer and the girls don't have to get up. I'll wake up and look at what I think is one of the most romantic pictures ever taken and sometimes touch myself.

Okay, guys, so I got off track again, but I'm trying to get your wives to do a Trash the Dress for you. You'd rather have a BJ? Look, baby steps, okay? Baby steps!

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, taking pictures at the pond. We took a few more around the raft like me sitting in front of Jim at the top of the slide holding my bouquet.

Do you guys care if you really wreck those? Kellie asked.

You're the professional. We'll do whatever you suggest, I replied. At this point, I don't care if this gown literally falls apart while I'm wearing it.

I'll second that! Jim piped up.

I'll third it! Steven echoed. Well I suppose I asked for it, didn't I?

Do you have anything whacky or unusual we could get pictures of you doing? Kellie inquired.

We have some ATV's, I said. We can take them back down the road to where the creek is that ran past our wedding site. It fords the creek there and goes farther into the woods back to a mud bog. There's also a little waterfall upstream in the creek we could go to.

That's perfect! she said. Hopefully your friends will get back with those supplies your husband sent them after soon.

Your husband: I really liked hearing that! That waterfall really has special meaning for us, I said. Looking over at my smiling husband and those eyes that saw straight to my soul, I added, Jim proposed to me standing under it.

Oh my God! Beth shouted. You never told me that! That has got to be the most romantic thing I've ever heard!

Dude! Steven exclaimed, snickering, You're makin' the rest of us look bad!

Well we'll just have to go back there first then, Kellie decided.

What? Get on with trashing the dress? Skip the girly romance crap? Look, there's plenty of stories on this site that simply narrate wet and messy. I'm spilling my guts out here for you. Cut me some slack! Sheesh!

We headed back down the little road that went to the clearing and the creek. The chairs and everything associated with the wedding had already been picked up. Funny, we were having such a good time at the reception that I didn't even notice the big trucks pulling out past us. Jim had trailed me on one ATV and Steven and Beth rode the other. Ashley drove the Gator and Kellie sat in the bed taking pictures of us.

We parked the ATV's by the creek and hiked upstream to the falls. Yes, that was another never in my wildest dreams moment when Kellie had Jim and me pose in the classic prom picture pose with him behind me and his arms around my waist while standing under the falls. My wedding gown had been soaking wet since about two minutes after I took my umbrella down earlier that afternoon. By now walking around all wet in it just seemed the natural thing to do. Next she had Jim get down on one knee like he was proposing and me make a coy face.

You guys are going to look at these pictures and laugh for years to come, Kellie said. All of you are such natural clowns.

She took a couple of us kissing under the falls and then did the same session with Steven and Beth. Ashley did a Goth tramp pose. She pulled her hair up, and sat on the rocks under falls with her legs spread apart and her knees propped up. Mom was so happy when she saw that one, although Ashley had her dress pulled down between her legs so you couldn't see anything.

While walking back to where we left the ATV's, Beth said to me, I didn't get married in a downpour, but my dress is still in a bag in my closet. I should do one of these. Do you still have your Maid of Honor's dress?

That frilly thing you made me wear? I can't find anyone who'll take it! I kidded her in reply. Steven and Beth's wedding was more formal. Her gown and the bridesmaids' dresses were much more elaborate with puffy three-quarter sleeves and such. I could guarantee at least one drowning had there been any of the silliness that we'd had today. Tell you what: We can make an appointment with Kellie after Jim and I get back. We'll go do it alone and surprise the guys with the pictures. Although I wasn't sure what would surprise Jim. After getting rained on, swimming in the pond and getting caked and pied, our entire wedding album was going to be Trash the Dress.

Robert and Debbie were waiting by the ATV's when we got back. My hunch was right. They had several bags from Sam's and through the thin plastic on one of the bags I could read, Cream Pie They must have stopped off at their hotel and changed to go shopping. He was wearing cargo shorts and a t-shirt. She wore bright red cuffed shorts that stopped way up her thighs and a pink camisole tank. She'd layered it over a black racer-back bra so her straps were purposely conspicuous. They both wore flip-flops.

Ashley pulled Mom's waterproof digital camera out and set it on video. No one would tell Beth and me what was going to happen, but it wasn't hard to guess. Kellie, Jim and Steven just whispered amongst themselves.

Okay, I want you two to stand over there next to each other, Kellie told Beth and me, and shut your eyes.

We did as we were told, knowing we were in for it. I'd been dunked again in my gown. I might as well be pied some more. God, do you guys realize how ridiculous that sounds? Pied some MORE in my wedding gown! We could hear people walking around us as we stood there with our eyes shut, wondering when it was going to happen. Ashley was laughing and Kellie's camera was clicking.

Finally I couldn't take the suspense anymore. I said, This is just supposed to be 'Trash the Dress', not 'Trash the Bride'!

Open your eyes! Kellie said.

What's the difference? I heard Jim asking at the same time.

I opened my eyes and saw the pie coming at me like I was watching a 3D movie. I barely had time to get them closed again before a thick, gooey, chocolate cream pie slammed into my face courtesy of my loving hubby. Beth and I had screamed at the same time and our screams were both muffled at the same time as piles of pie flew into our open mouths. It tasted pretty good anyway.

Everyone was laughing, including Beth and me. We wiped our faces and looked at each other. The chocolate had splattered up and over my head and down onto the front of my dress. The pond water tint was barely noticeable. The pink icing had been pretty much rinsed off by the hose down. Chocolate stains forever though.

Try to look disgusted, Kellie said as she maneuvered around us.

That isn't too hard, Beth said. We both put our fists on our hips, me with my bouquet in one hand, and looked annoyed at the guys who were holding the pie pans in front of us and making silly faces.

These dresses are terminal now, I said.

Jim and Steven picked up a pie in each hand and walked behind us. In that case Jim trailed off and our two guys sandwiched us from behind with blackberry creams, the only thing to stain worse than chocolate and rubbed the pans down the sides of our heads, necks, over our shoulders and onto our boobs before they let go of them. We both stood there and power-giggled. You know how when you're trying to keep it in and your whole body jerks?

Ashley got a taste of pie too. While Jim recorded and Kellie took pictures, Beth and I decked her several times with the chocolate and fruit pies.

Hey! What happened to the rest of the pies? Debbie asked. I thought there were two more. She found out when Robert sandwiched her head with the last two chocolate creams. She pouted and groaned, but was grinning when she wiped her face. She was clean and dry by now, remember. Kellie didn't take any pictures of that, but Jim got it on video.

We jumped into the deep swimming hole, or rather the guys threw us in, to rinse off. Debbie put up the biggest fight, but Robert prevailed. Kellie jumped in with us, but just to swim for a minute. She already had plenty of pictures of us splashing around in water.

Kellie thought it would be funny to have Beth, Ashley and me wade next to where the road forded the stream and have Jim and Steven drive by and splash us.

Dvu, eh, Beth? I asked. It was another one of those moments that when I looked back, I wished that Jim had been there somehow and I was going to get that chance. At twenty-six you looked sort of funny getting splashed by cars during a rainstorm, but I guess if the chance ever presented itself again

Kellie got some great shots of us getting splashed, but it was just water. We should go back to the mud bog if you want to get some really funny shots, Ashley suggested.

So much for a white wedding dress, Beth said chuckling. I knew we'd get back to the mud eventually. I knew the bog was still there, but I still hadn't been back there since before college. I got plenty of mud last summer when Mom and Dad's pond was drained for two weeks.

Why didn't you say so? Kellie asked. Let's go!

Robert and Debbie said their goodbyes and went back to change, again! I really hoped we'd see more of them. Robert was going to come back for Louisiana Mud Fest. I really needed to work on Jim about buying that old Blazer.

The road turns from gravel to dirt as we got back to the bog and ends there. With all of the day's rain, it was plenty muddy. Just as we got there, Kellie and Ashley stopped in front of a big puddle. Beth, Steven, Jim and I stopped behind them.

Here's the 'money shot', ladies, Kellie said. She had Beth and me get off the ATV's and then had Ashley, Jim and Steven drive back and forth several times through the puddle to churn up the water and mud into a thick soup. Then she had Ashley park the Gator away from the puddle and told us what she wanted. I thought about the last time the guys got me on that crazy, muddy weekend back in college and made a suggestion to Kellie. She loved it and we all got in position.

We propped the camera Ashley brought up on the Gator's dashboard and set it on video to capture the whole thing. Jim and Steven went about fifty yards back up the road and turned around. I lined up first next to the puddle. Beth was behind me and Ashley was behind her. When Kellie gave the signal, Jim and Steven came racing toward us. Per my suggestion, we all stuck out our thumbs to hitchhike and pulled up on our dresses with our other hands to expose one leg. Even though the gowns were thoroughly wrecked by this point, I still got excited at the anticipation. The last thing I saw was Jim in front hitting the end of the puddle and a wave of brown come washing up. That was when I clenched my eyes tight shut and formed a Let me have it! grin. It was that same feeling of standing at the base of the giant flume at Six Flags when the wall splashed over us. Kellie had us open our eyes with a look of shock. We couldn't wipe our faces so mud went in my mouth. Wasn't the first time; won't be the last. I've stated it before: You aren't having fun in the mud unless you can taste it!

After taking that picture, I had had a chance to survey myself. I was totally brown in the front. All three of us girls were. Steven got nailed badly because he came through behind Jim, who was the only one mostly unscathed. He laughed at all of us, but got his when Kellie had them race through again to nail us as we stood there with dumbfounded looks on our faces, but purposely made Jim drive through behind Steven this time.

We all laughed at the sight of ourselves yet again. Kellie had Beth, Ashley and me pose with our arms over each other's shoulders making silly faces. Then my muddy hubby and I got to pose for several together. We took some of the guys trailing us through the bog on the ATV's.

I wanted some mud-sliding shots. If we were going to come back here and get muddy, we might as well have all the fun we could. However we three women soon learned that it's hard to run in a long dress, especially a long dress that is soaking wet.

I've got an idea! Kellie said and took a series of photos. She had us pantomime our problem to the guys. They looked like they had an idea and walked away. Kellie handed them a large pair of scissors she had in her camera bag.

Don't laugh, she said. A lot of ladies like to cut up their dresses as part of one of these shoots.

She started taking shots again and the guys came walking back into frame holding up scissors and pointing to them. Beth and I just stood there looking disgusted as our husbands proceeded to make our long gowns into mini-skirts that stopped mid-thigh. We got back at them, though. After assuring Kellie that we had no intention of trying to return Jim and Steven's outfits, we ripped their vests open and off and cut off their shirt sleeves, collars and cut off their pants just above the knee. Ashley stood and pointed and laughed until we ganged up on her and cut her dress off at the same length as Beth and mine. She stood pouting in her picture.

Then we did some relentless mud-sliding in the soft mud at the edge of the bog. All five of us were soon dark brown front-to-back and top-to-bottom. We kept playing, sliding, wrestling, throwing mud and making mud angels even after Kellie stopped taking pictures. We looked like we were having so much fun, that Kellie finally gave in and joined us.

It stays light really late here in June, but around eight o'clock Kellie finally said that the sun had gone down too far behind the trees to get any more natural light shots. Including the zany stuff she got at the reception, she'd already taken way more trash the dress pictures than she normally did for one session anyway. We rode back toward the creek getting splattered one last time as we all roared through the big mud puddle. We jumped in the swimming hole at the creek to rinse off. Beth told Kellie that she wanted to hire her for another session using her wedding gown and not to mention it to the guys.

When it looked like we weren't going to get any more mud out of our clothes, we crawled out and loaded up onto the vehicles and drove the short distance back to Mom and Dad's. We pulled up behind the house by the hose to wash the ATV's and the Gator down. Kellie said her goodbyes and left. I looked down at the dock. It was a comical sight. Little Brad and Lizzy were paddling around on little kids' pool floats, still in wedding attire. Paula, Carly and Bailey, still in their gowns were out on the raft going down the slide. Mom was sitting on the dock, dangling her legs and the bottom of her gown in the water, looking like she had just climbed out herself. She caught sight of us and started laughing with her hand over her mouth, trying to conceal it. I said we looked like fugitives from the S.S. Minnow in our wedding pictures. All the guys needed now were three-day beards and we really would have looked like we'd been stranded on an island. I shrugged my shoulders at her and gave her sort of an Oh, well, head cock. She stood up on the edge of the dock and shot the same gesture back to me and holding the pose, let herself fall into the water. Don't let her tell you any different; she enjoyed wrecking that dress. While I got a chance to laugh at her this time, she surfaced and ushered Little Brad and Lizzie toward the raft to ride the slide with the girls.

Beth, Steven, Ashley, Jim and I washed the vehicles, and each other, and put everything away. Beth and Steven said goodbye and left. Mom was climbing out of the water up the ladder on the dock, looking quite ridiculous herself in a dripping fuchsia gown, when Jim and I came walking down the dock carrying inner tubes.

Oh, your poor wedding gown! Mom said, still laughing behind a hand over her mouth. Chocolate and blackberry pie stains were partially obscured by the all-over brown tint left from the mud baths and of course, it was starting to fray where it was cut off mid-thigh.

It's just a dress, Mom, I said. Getting married was the important part. If it was going to rain cats and dogs on me and ruin my dress anyway, I was going to have some fun in it.

Same goes for this, Jim said gesturing to his wrecked and cut off suit. The price of these clothes is nothing compared to the memories we'll have from today.

He put his arm around me and I turned and kissed him.

It was time for the littlest ones to go to bed. Mom called Brad and Lizzy out of the water, but we told her to let the girls stay. Jim and I threw our tubes in and then dove in behind them to paddle out to the raft where the girls were still playing hard. We rode the slide, dove and shoved each other in over and over until well after dark. It was a lot easier swimming with my dress cut off above the knee. It was a good thing too because all three of the girls were fish (took after their dad and their new stepmom), and didn't want to let me out of the water for a second. I'd considered these girls family for a long time, but now it was official. This moment alone was more than worth a trashed wedding gown.

We finally sent the girls in for baths and bed. Pretty tired ourselves, we went out to our house. Like I think I mentioned, we'd gotten permission to camp in our bedroom tonight. We approached the front door and there was something I hadn't noticed when we'd driven past before, a couple of disposable foam coolers.

I wonder what's in those, Jim said. Something in his tone said he knew.

Written in Sharpie across the top of one was Happy Wedding Night. Love, Robert and Debbie!

Jim reached into one of the coolers and pulled out a chocolate cream pie. They must have taken my advice and tried a little pie therapy since they thought we'd appreciate one more round left here for after our photo shoot. What a thoughtful last-minute wedding present!

Jim was removing the pie from the box when I wasted no time setting myself up. Putting my fists on my hips I said, Pies? Well what on Earth are we supposed to do with a bunch of pies?'

Splat! Jim didn't tell me. He showed me with a well-aimed throw that decked me dead-center in the face. The frozen pie had thawed completely and made an excellent splatter that extended from the top of my head to the top of my dress when it exploded in my face.

I wiped my eyes clear and licking the pie from my fingers said, What is it with you men and the need to pie pretty girls? (I know, I borrowed and paraphrased that from my past.)

Splat! Jim shoved another chocolate cream in my face and rubbed it up and over my head.

Always the face! I exclaimed. Try something else for a change. Jim grabbed one in each hand and slapped them into my boobs, giving me a metal Viking bra until the pans finally dropped off. The chocolate was running down the dress from my boobs and where it had fallen from my head onto my shoulders. Trash the Dress indeed! I could feel the whipped cream and filling running down inside the front and getting on my strapless bra. Like it would hurt it after the mud bath.

That was interesting, I said. You must have done this before. He turned me around and bent me over. He pied me on the butt and then yanked up the cut off gown to repeat it on my panties. Eyeing that there were four left, I asked, Anything for a grand finale?

Jim grabbed two and sandwiched my head. More whipped cream and chocolate filling oozed down over what was once a beautiful white wedding gown. I liked it a lot better this way if you want to know the truth. Like I've always told you, once I get started acting like a complete idiot, I can't stop. He slammed a third onto the top of my head and rubbed it in well and finally decked me in the face with the last one to complete the four-way. The one thing I hadn't noticed was a bottle of chocolate syrup that he opened and emptied over my head, rubbing it well into my hair and letting it run down my dress.

Putting on my southern bell I said, Why Mr. Sutton! You are the master of female seduction! He took me in his arms and we started to wipe the pie and chocolate all over each other while we kissed. Guess I was going to be sticky tonight. Not the first time; far from the last!

We used a camp lantern to find our way through our unfinished house up to the bedroom where I had already placed an air mattress. I stood and faced him and with my arms out to my sides, said, Want to finally put it out of its misery?

Years ago, when I first envisioned my wedding night, it was a lot different from this and in more ways than just my husband then being the guy in tenth grade I had a huge crush on. My husband would slowly and gently remove my beautiful white dress, stockings and undergarments. Instead, my stockings and train were lost somewhere in the pond. My dress was soaking wet, cut-off and raveling out. It was anything but white having been tinted green from so much time in the pond, then caked and pied, muddied, and then pied again and finally dumped with chocolate and I was laughing hysterically as Jim ripped what was left of it and my strapless bra and panties to shreds. And believe me; I wouldn't have had it any other way! By the way, I do realize that many of our encounters I've written about begin with Jim tearing my clothes to pieces. You need to know that he doesn't do that all the time. Tonight it simply seemed appropriate considering how we'd seemed to have gone to great lengths to purposely wreck my gown. He's gentle most of the time, but when he gets wound up and simply wants to attack me, I usually let him. It makes for great sex despite the dwindling wardrobe.

You may not know this, but in the State of Texas, a marriage it not fully recognized by law until it has been consummated. I'm happy to say that in the eyes of the state, our marriage is rock solid because once my clothes were shredded, Jim consummated my brains out. He consummated me on my back. He rolled me over and consummated me doggie style. He consummated me straddling him on his lap. And yes, I got my brains consummated out still covered in pie.

Afterward, we skinny-dipped in the pond to rinse off the pie that was smeared all over both of us. I put on a red satin chemise and Jim put on red satin boxers and we tried to sleep, but it was no use. Tired as we were, we couldn't calm down enough to sleep so we got up and walked out into the woods, dressed just as we were. We hiked upstream to the waterfall. Jim picked me up and jumped into the little pool at the base; as if I didn't see that coming.

We pulled up onto the rocks at the base of the falls. My chemise was like a second skin. So were Jim's boxers for that matter.

You didn't act too shocked when I suggested we toss our umbrellas away today, I said. It didn't surprise you at all?

The only thing that surprised me, Mrs. Sutton, he began, is what took you so long.

Jim picked me up off the rock. I had seen through the wet satin that he was ready again, but now I could feel it. He carried me up under the falls to consummate me again. Why wait until our first anniversary to start that tradition? However, I was in the mood for something different by now. I whispered to him to sit down on the rocks under the falls while I slid his satin boxers down. He sat back under the water and kicked his shorts off his foot for me to catch. I slowly pulled my chemise over my head and then mouthed Ooooo! at his erection pointing up at me. Folding our wet clothes into a cushion for my knees, I knelt between his and merrily blew him for several minutes until he exploded to give me a midnight snack. We traded places and I fed Jim a snack of my own ending in me unleashing a satisfied howl that out here in the woods would be for his ears only. Hey, there used to be a lot of anti-sodomy laws in the South, but they were all overturned. I figured if that was the case, we ought to cover our bases with this consummating thing. Like that night he proposed, we got up on the rocks behind the falls and held each other naked until just before dawn. We hiked downstream and back up the little road from the clearing, letting the warm Texas summer night air dry our naked bodies. With no lights on at Mom and Dad's house during those wee hours of the morning, there wasn't even a need, which we saw anyway, to get dressed as we neared the houses.

A lot of my friends who were there, and ended up having a really good time acting silly in the rain, still ask me if I would rather have had a nice day for the ceremony. I always tell them what I started out Part 1 of this story with: That I wouldn't change a thing if I found Aladdin's lamp and the genie offered me three wishes. But the more I think about it, I think I would change a couple of things. I would wish that the rain had cut loose earlier. If we'd all just gotten soaked coming down the aisle, I would have saved all of that bridezilla fretting and just taken it in stride from the beginning.

My second wish would have been that the day had never had to end. Oh we drive out from Jim's apartment, er, mine and Jim's apartment, and bring the girls to see progress on the house all the time, and we always jump in the pond or take the ATV's out to play in the mud. But that's always planned. There is something different though about spontaneous group insanity, like spending all day swimming in your finest and formals after getting drenched at an outdoor wedding in the rain. I will remember this day and laugh about it for the rest of my life.

As for my third wish, I really don't know. I think those two changes would be enough for me. Maybe I'll just let Jim have my third wish. Honey, what would you wish for if I gave you my third wish from Aladdin's lamp? What? Size thirty-eight, triple D cups for me? MEN! He needs to be taught a lesson I think. Excuse me while I go see if we have some pie lying around.

SPLAT!

We did. He got there first though.