Darcie's Big Surprise Part 1

Hi, again! It's Darcie! Can you believe that I'll finally be married in two days? A lot's happened since I spoke to you last. Of course Robert got married, more on that later, and Debbie, Beth and I crashed Jim's bachelor party with messy results. What? Who the hell is Debbie? She's Robert's wife, dummy! I guess this all needs some explaining.

It all started the spring after Robert and I said, Goodbye for the last time, (and I had finally let him nail me), and he left to take his new job in California. Beth and Steven got married that spring and I was her Maid of Honor.

What's that? How could they have gotten married then and have a little boy big enough that Beth can play in the mud with him? Simple: She got pregnant on her honeymoon and he was early. No, really! Ri-i-i-ight (Said in my best Dr. Evil accent). Who cares if they were a little out of order? They're still as head over heels for each other as the day they met. Really Beth swears to me that what happened was that the night Steven proposed, she was so overwhelmed that she threw herself at him (Sound familiar? Glad I was on the pill LOL!). They had been very careful up until that point, but she wanted him so badly at that moment that she wasn't willing to make a trip to the drugstore and BAM! Luckily she really didn't begin to show until five months, so with a little help from the seamstress at the dress store, her pictures don't give her secret away, just doing a little math does! LOL.

Anyway, like I said, I was the Maid of Honor. Robert did not come back for the wedding. He sent his regrets, but claimed his new job would not let him get away. I learned later that he was afraid of seeing me again, and he was worried that it would bring back all of those memories and emotions when he was just starting to come to terms with them.

Well just seeing Steven and Beth getting married brought them all back for me. When you break up with someone over life plans that you're still in love with, (It wasn't going to get serious. Who was I trying to kid. I was in love with that nerdy redneck!), until someone fills that void, you're never really out of love. At the reception, they played my favorite song to slow-dance to There's an Old Flame Burnin' in Your Eyes by Alabama. I was raised on country music sue me! Had Robert been on the dance floor with me that night when that played, all he would have had to do was ask we would have only needed one hotel room for the evening.

What now? Enough with the romantic crap and get to the messy part? Who's telling this anyway? Alright, alright. Beth did something cute that only someone who isn't afraid to make a complete fool of herself would do, so I of course filed it away as something I might try when I got married. Steven had insisted that the bachelor party not be too wild, no strippers or anything like that. He said why did he need to look at other women when Beth let him look AND touch! This gave Beth an idea and she arranged to make it look like they'd gotten a stripper in a cake anyway, except Beth popped out of the cake and did a strip tease down to some racy lingerie and then ran everyone out of the hotel room so she could have him all to herself.

What did she wear? It wasn't that bad, just a bodice with built-in garters, matching panty and fishnet stockings. It didn't show off anymore than a similar outfit she wore to our underwear party the sorority house hosted just before graduation.

Tell you more about the party? I thought you wanted me to get on with the story? Oh NOW you want me to go off on a tangent. The pictures are on Flikr. Look them up. She and I are both wearing outfits similar to the one I just described here. Beth's is blue with black lace trim and mine is red with black lace trim. I'm not telling you anything more because this doesn't have anything to do with the story OR getting wet or messy. I take that back. This was when Robert and Steven threw us both in the retention pond. Yes, there is a video of that on You Tube.

I'm never going to get this story told if you keep interrupting. Anyway, I filed that idea away too for when I finally got married.

Fast forward another year. Like I said at the end of the last story, Robert and I had kept in touch and I knew it really was curtains when he began to write about how a certain pretty blond from the hills of Tennessee began paying lots of attention to him. I had dated a few guys between college and now, but I had always held out a glimmer of hope that one day Robbie would come to his senses and leave that cold bay area to come home to where summer came early and stayed late, and where I was. But it was clear that he was going to live his life out there and what I could only describe as my stubbornness, had kept me living mine here. (I do really love it here, though.) Little did I know however, that in about two weeks a certain blue-eyed Yankee with an affinity for cream pies was going to breeze in here and sweep me right off my feet! See? I'm not going to spend the whole story pining for lost love!

Okay, I'm going to stop here for a second because enough of you have asked me why if I couldn't follow Robert out to California, why I'd ever let myself fall hopelessly, and I do mean hopelessly in love with a guy from the Midwest? There is a simple answer to that. I don't have a flippin' clue! He wasn't after me. He said so. I just met him and couldn't help myself. And somehow I knew everything was going to work out. I was right. His new job is paying a lot more than his old one and I can retire from the hotel business right after we get married. That way I can spend every summer afternoon floating in an inner tube wearing an old pair of cut-offs and a tube top playing with the girls, and any more children we have. Oh, didn't I tell you? Dad and Mom gave us an early wedding present, a parcel of land on the other side of the pond. Our house is already under construction!

Yeah, yeah, I know. Two pages and I've only made a passing comment about swimming in the retention pond in my lingerie. Well yeah, we got thrown in, but we didn't get right out. We were already wet. We figured we may as well have some fun!

Anyway, Jim moved down here before the end of last summer. He'd always driven some forgettable mid-size car, but when he arrived here for good, he had the girls in a big Chevy Suburban. He said, I thought it was the law in Texas that you had to own one of these things. It's not an old Chevy Blazer with great big mud tires, but it's a step in the right direction!

This last April, we flew out to California for Robert and Debbie's wedding. It was good to finally meet her. She was just what Robert needed. She grew up swimming in a creek behind her house with her clothes on and wondered why people got so hung up over doing that. Her big brother had a Dodge pickup that he took her with him in to mud runs. She loved being teased and loved making Robbie Ray (She even got to use his middle name!) laugh. I suggested they try pie therapy sometime when we were having a private girl talk session. By the way, it was a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there. I'm used to being able to go swimming in April!

She gave me another idea. Robert's friends had asked her if it was okay for them to show stag films at his bachelor party. She said it was okay as long as they slipped in one that she would make. It wasn't bad. It was more funny than bad. She and the bridesmaids made it. I filed that away with the idea that Beth had given me.

Okay, I'm going to get off track a little again, but at least there's some messiness in this story and I end up getting the worst end of it. A few nights before the wedding, Steven, Beth, Robert, Debbie, Jim and I all went out together. There were four Texans, plus one transplant, and a girl from Tennessee, so naturally we found a country bar. Now Jim and Debbie were both really sweet about it, and gave Robert and me a lot of time to catch up. But I guess we spent a little too much time out on the dance floor together, because I looked up and saw Jim pushing Debbie across the floor. Sidebar: He wasn't much of a dancer when we met, but I told him if he was going to live in Texas, he had to two-step and line dance and proceeded to teach him. Several bruised shins and squished toes later he can hold his own with the best of them. They really attempted to show how much they were enjoying dancing with each other. We immediately got the message and quickly cut in to claim our proper partners.

Back in our hotel room, I apologized for getting carried away.

It's okay, he said. He was your first love. I know this is going to sound strange coming from someone who was married, but I guess it just didn't dawn on me that there's someone out there you once loved the way you love me.

I said, Now you get this through that Yankee head of yours, James Adam Sutton! I only called him a Yankee and used his middle name when I was pretending I was mad at him. I was shaking my finger in his face and I could see the glimmer of the grin he always got when I acted silly like this. There is NO ONE out there that I ever loved the same way that I love you! You know me better in every way, and I do mean every way than any other man and there's plenty I've done with you and for you that I never did for him or anyone else.

Hmmm, he said, scratching his chin, for instance?

I was actually baiting him for this sort of response. We did this playful banter all the time. It usually ended up with us making love. I replied, For instance: You're the only man I ever went on the pill for! I know that sounds silly, but watch

Oh really? he said, beginning to snicker. Let me stop and tell you I was wearing a green halter party dress with a plunging neck line. It had its own support built into the bust because the back was completely open down to my waist with no way to wear a bra. The hem stopped way up my thighs. I had two more like it at home, one red and of course a little black one. Yeah, I'd dressed just a little slutty, maybe to kid Robert about what he was missing. (He wasn't missing too much. Debbie was an absolute knock out.)

Yes, really, I replied. I sauntered toward him with my hands folded behind my back saying, I know what a mad, passionate man you can be. Someone with your intensity can't be saddled with the responsibility to stop and install some little thing before he gives in to it. Take right now for instance. Thanks to me being on the pill, if you were to grab me and shred every last stitch of clothing that I'm wearing, only to ravage my body as your servant of love for as long as you liked, then we'd be perfectly safe! (Ladies, a good sport not only doesn't get upset when her man gets the best of her; she also sets herself up once in a while.)

I see, Jim said. Perfectly safe to do that? He nearly lost it during the servant of love bit. I almost always cracked him up with the submissive sex stuff.

Perfectly safe, I replied with my biggest grin I could muster.

Well then, 'Darcie Marie Moore', you little Texas vixen, since you put it that way

I shrieked when he lunged for me. I tried to look like I was putting up a fight, but I started giggling too much. No! No! I screamed when his hands reached for the halter strap around the back of my neck. He began pulling with one hand and I was trying to keep the material from coming apart with both of mine until he started tickling me with his other hand. I shrieked again and grabbed at his hand. Boy he's fast. He stopped tickling me and grabbed the halter strap with his other hand. Before I could get my hands back up there, I heard the material giving way and the sounds of ripping threads. I felt the back come apart and the support my boobs had was suddenly gone and they flopped out to say Hello. I screamed again, but mostly I was laughing.

Time out for a second. Ladies, if you're reading this, this isn't assault. I was asking for it and not by the way I was dressed. I literally put the idea in his head to rip my clothes off. If things are getting stale around your house, try something like this once in a while. We don't need to be seduced every time. Let him attack you like a wild animal for a change. Oh and by the way, if you do get out of line and do something like, say, dance a little too long with an old love, you and I both know that you DESERVE to get it for that. Just go ahead and set yourself up and do something like this. Guys aren't too complicated. If he knows that you know that you screwed up and are willing to take what you've got coming to you, I promise he'll never mention it again. Yeah, I know guys do stupid stuff too. But most of the times it's the women who never want to admit it. Besides, in this case, I can't find anything really that bad with Jim's idea of punishment anyway. I had a pretty good time.

The top of my dress was now two pieces, each attached to each other where the plunging neck line met in a V just below my breasts. Jim pulled where they met and the dress ripped all the way down the skirt and fell to the floor. I was topless in my blue boy shorts and nude stay-up's.

He grabbed me and threw me on the bed. Then he ran for his luggage and produced three bottles of Wet Strawberry-Kiwi flavored lubricant. Yes, we carry that much around with us, but I didn't figure on using it all in one evening! He dropped one on the bed and opened the other two and began squirting me with them.

OH! YES! OH! YES! I screamed over and over as he squirted me from top to bottom in the sweet-smelling oil. I rubbed it all over, getting it into my hair, all over my face and soaking my panties with it. Jim took both bottles and aimed them at my panties' crotch, simply drenching them. I continued to scream and moan and rub the oil up and down. He even squirted some in my open mouth. (It's edible. Don't worry!) He finished the first two bottles off in my hair. I even had the slimy stuff in my ears. I lay there panting open-mouthed, still smearing myself with it and Jim stepped back and took off his clothes down to his underwear. He got up on the bed and reached for my crotch. I offered no resistance while he ripped the bottom of my boy shorts out. I reached up and destroyed his underwear. He jumped on top and shoved his manhood in between my boobs. I squealed and pushed them together for a tight squeeze so he could take a few strokes before he pulled back and thrust himself into my waiting pussy. He was coated with oil on the front from me so I grabbed the third bottle and began squirting his back as he ruthlessly nailed me. I squirted it out all over his back and butt and rubbed it in, while I lay there moaning, YES! YES! Hammer me, you magnificent animal!

Of course that sounds silly and over-the-top. It's supposed to. A man likes it when his woman acts like a porn actress and couples are supposed to have fun together. It's even allowed in bed! Ladies, if you act like a porn actress, he won't have any need for the real thing. Why do you think the real reason was that Steven didn't want a stripper? He had something even better available whenever he wanted her!

And sue me if you want to, but the idea of my man getting so bothered that he can't control himself and attacks me like a wild thing gets me horny as hell, so it wasn't long before I began to moan and then began to wail. I could feeling him letting go too. He collapsed on top of me and we rolled over into a puddle of the lubricant on the bed. Wasn't the first time we had to sleep in a puddle of it and it won't be the last if I have anything to say about it! I just wished that it had some pie mixed with it too. Well there's always next time.

The two of us were giggling and trying to catch our breath. I was literally soaked with the strawberry lubricant. My hair was a sloppy mess of it and streams of it ran across my face, smearing the makeup that I never had a chance to take off. I rolled over on top of Jim and pushed up on my arms over him. I sensually licked the lubricant from around my mouth and with my silliest, I told you so grin I said, See? Aren't you glad I was prepared? We were perfectly safe just now!

We both cracked up in each other's faces. So many couples are so afraid to cut loose during sex and other's are so wound up they think that any laughter at all is at their performance. I can't imagine us ever doing anything and not laughing a lot.

Oh my gosh, I love you! he said and pulled me down with a hand in my oily hair to kiss him. I took off my soaked stockings and we each ripped the remnants of the other's underwear off and threw them on the floor. The bed was soaking wet with the Wet oil, so we saw no use in taking a shower. Instead we squirted the rest of the oil out on each other and caressed one another with it until we fell asleep. In case you haven't figured it out yet, I was sort of used to falling asleep in puddles of the stuff.

I wish I could report that there was one of those pool party receptions like you see on You Tube for Robert and Debbie's wedding, but the high was only fifty degrees on that day. Robert smeared a little icing in her nose when they fed each other cake, but that was about as wild as it got. Apparently a grandmother was there who would have been offended if there had been any shenanigans. At least I got another idea about the video that I could combine with the one I borrowed from Beth to give Jim a good send off.

We fast forward again to a few weeks ago. While drinking and male strippers might be okay for some women, it wasn't for me. I'd much rather make a spectacle of myself than watch one. Beth was of course my Matron of Honor and I'd already told her that instead of getting drunk and stupid, it would be more fun to prank Jim's bachelor party instead. Since Jim's cousin from Indiana was going to be his Best Man and wouldn't get here until the day of the rehearsal dinner, Steven and my brother Brad were going to throw the party with a few of our mutual friends from here. Jim almost ruined my plans when he said he didn't want a party.

I've been through all of that before, he said. Got drunk in a strip club and had a bad hangover the next day. I don't hang out with people from work. You're my best friend and it would be strange having you along. (There's a little foreshadowing going on here if you're paying attention!) You go on out with your friends and have fun.

Oh no you don't! I kidded. You are definitely not going to get to be a martyr here in order to get something out of me later on! (As if he would ever have to try very hard to do that!) Steven's booked a hotel room for you guys. Jack, Mike and Jacob are all going to be there and I think Robert is even going to be back from visiting his friends. Debbie's going to be at my party. You don't want to leave Robert with nothing to do, do you?

He was laughing at me and waving his hands to surrender since the more I went on the closer I got to him, the more I waved my finger at him and the higher my voice got.

Having Debbie around to help was going to work out perfectly. I had already drafted Beth for my plan. I wasn't brave enough to go through with it by myself. Robert wanted to come back to Texas early to visit some of his friends and Debbie really didn't want to hang with a bunch of guys she didn't know for a day so I invited her to stay with me. It took a little coaxing to get them to agree, but I already knew Beth was nearly as silly as I was when it came to this sort of thing and I had a hunch Debbie was too.

The plan was to shoot a little comedy video that would be slipped in as a stag film during Jim's party. I'm going to tell you about how the video went first and then about us crashing the party in the next installment. That will help keep the size down. (These keep getting longer and longer!)

Steven and Brad were in on the joke with us. Beth and I emailed Debbie pictures of ourselves making a particular face and had her take one of herself as well. She helped design video games and had access to all sorts of graphic programs. She photo-shopped the three of us into a graphic identical to the old Three Stooges shorts intro, but instead it was The Three Stoogettes starring Curly (Debbie with her hair up in curls), Mona (me), and Laurie (Beth) accompanied by the familiar Three Blind Mice Stooges opening. We shot this the day before the bachelor party and Steven quickly edited it and put it on a DVD by that next evening. We used Mom and Dad's basement for a set since it had a big bathroom with a big shower and a double-sized Jacuzzi tub. So, to end Part 1, please enjoy The Three Stoogettes in The Slapstick Salon.

Beth and Debbie were in the salon when the scene opened. They were both wearing stretch tank dresses; Beth's was bright orange and Debbie's was bright yellow. We went with the tank dresses because we needed to be able to fit a bra under them. We were all going to end up in our underwear. You can't do female slapstick without losing a few clothes you know!

All around them were bottles, bowls and a few other surprises you'll find as we move on. I came rushing in dressed in a bride's Halloween costume, off-the-shoulder mini-skirt bridal gown, veil, white silk gloves, visible garters, (from the white bodice I wore underneath), white silk stockings and white heels.




Please can someone help me? I begged. The stylist I went to for my wedding completely botched the job!

Beth and Debbie both looked at me puzzled. What's wrong? they said in unison with their heads cocked together.

Just look at me! I shouted. I'm about to get married! I should look much more beautiful than this!

Well don't you worry your pretty little head, sweetie pie, Debbie said turning on her southern draw ten times more than usual. We're gonna have you so gorgeous you won't even recognize yourself in no time.

Well just hurry, I said. My wedding is in less than two hours!

Well then, time's a'wastin' Beth said, loudly chewing gum. Sit right down here and we'll get started.

I sat down in the chair directly facing the main camera that Steven was running. Brad also had a hand-held and was using it for close-ups and other angles. I really have to hand it to Steven for getting the editing from two cameras done in one day. He joked that I owed him a big favor (Yes, I know what he meant!) Beth said she'd settle up for me, but then I owed her a favor. She's really pretty, but I hope she just wants me to babysit or something!

Beth and Debbie both started grabbing up squirt bottles and bowls and placing them on a table right next to my chair. Wait a minute! I said. Shouldn't I get a smock or at least take off my veil?

Leaning right down next to me from behind, and giving Steven a money shot of her cleavage, Debbie said, Dearie, you're in too big a hurry for that. We gotta get you hitched!

Beth leaned in with a similar pose on the other side and said, You don't worry that pretty little head about it. You're dealing with the best in the business!

They tore into me immediately. What this hair needs is a little mousse to start! Debbie said.

Beth replied, I've got just the thing. She handed Debbie a big bowl full of chocolate mousse which Debbie began trowling onto my head with a spatula. My hair was down and we had given it some body with a curling iron. Debbie kept pulling my hair up so the mousse wouldn't fall out. Then she and Beth started working it in everywhere with their hands.

With a panic-stricken look on my face, I asked, Is that getting into my veil?

Don't worry, dear, Beth said. We got a little on it, but it will come right out.

In actuality, they'd plastered it with the mousse. Debbie pulled it out and examined it. She shrugged and tossed it over her shoulder.

What did you do with my veil? I shouted,

Just getting that little spot out, Debbie replied. Just relax!

You know I bet we could use some of that new finishing gel, Beth said. She reached over and grabbed another bowl and simply dumped it on my head. It was full of banana pudding which rolled off and landed on my bare shoulders.

Hey, whatever you're using is starting to drip! I exclaimed. Watch out for my dress.

It's fine, Beth replied. Both she and Debbie used their hands to rub the pudding around my skin instead of wiping it off.

Debbie said, I think she could probably use a little color in there,

I really started to sound nervous saying, I really don't want to change my color, while they both grabbed squirt bottles and aimed them at my head. They opened up and made doodles around my head with chocolate syrup.

We told you, you're going to love it! Beth assured me.

But we need to give her hair some more body, Debbie said.

I've got just the thing, Beth replied. She handed Debbie two raw eggs and kept two of them for herself. They cracked them together over my head and dumped the contents into my hair. The broken yokes dripped off my head and onto my dress.

Hey! That crap is getting on my dress! I exclaimed. Do either of you know what the hell you're doing?

Beth slapped a big, thick chocolate cream pie right in my face and rubbed it around.

What the hell was that? I screamed when the plate fell away. Even though it was two friends doing the thorough humiliation, I was still getting a little turned on by it. I can see why some of the women in those videos you watch are able to fool around with each other so convincingly. However, I still like men one blue-eyed Yankee in particular!

Make up, Beth replied. You said you were in a hurry. It's faster to apply everything at once. We just need to smooth it out.

She and Debbie started to rub the pie all over my face. The chocolate was dripping down my dress, terminally staining it. I shoved them away and tried to get up.

I'm getting the hell out of here! I screamed. I got about halfway up out of the chair and Debbie smacked me with another pie and knocked me back down in it. In case you are wondering who wrote this so I got the worst end of it, I did!

But we haven't finished your hair and makeup yet, Debbie protested. Beth was smearing the mixture of glop on my head around and letting gobs of it slosh off and fall on my shoulders and dress. I ruined my gloves wiping my eyes out. Debbie picked up a bucket of green slime. You still need our special cream rinse. She dumped it out over my head. They weren't supposed to be getting messy yet, but they already had pie splattered on them and Beth got some of the slime accidentally dumped on her.

You two dumbasses have ruined my wedding gown! I screamed.

Oh, nonsense, Beth protested. We'll just go and clean that right up!

We moved to the bathroom. I stood in the shower still dripping slime and glop. What's going on? I demanded.

We're just going to clean you up a bit. Beth replied. We'd drug the garden hose in through the basement window and Beth opened it up on me. I screamed, jumped around, turned around in circles and did everything except get out of the line of fire.

MY DRESS! MY POOR DRESS! I shrieked when the water stopped.

Oh pish-posh! Debbie said. It'll be good as new when it dries. I stood there mocking a state of shock while the two of them pulled it over my head and left me in my lingerie. I didn't feel so embarrassed since Steven had at least seen me as scantily-clad once before. And as far as Brad was concerned, let's face it ladies. Whose brother hasn't seen you in your underwear a hundred times growing up?

Brad got a close-up of only my face as Debbie said, Oh and since you washed, we'll need to reapply your makeup, and decked me with another pie as I just stood there mocking shock.

We moved back out of the bathroom. Here is where the tables finally start to turn on my attackers. You still need more makeup! Beth exclaimed. She and Debbie were on either side of me preparing to sandwich me.

Thanks, but I've had enough! I said and ducked. Beth and Debbie slammed their chocolate cream pies into each other's faces like pros. We'd all watched a few of Jim's pie videos, (Yeah, I know he keeps them on the computer and I don't care. I've learned some of my best reactions to getting plastered by him from watching those!).

Your makeup doesn't quite look right yet, I said. Both Beth and Debbie froze as it was their turn to play the victim. I approached them with a pie in each hand. I set one down in the chair and plastered Beth in the face with the other one. I quickly picked up the first pie and plastered Debbie with that one.

And I absolutely must make your hair as beautiful as you've made mine! I said. I poured buckets of green slime over both of them that covered their heads as well as their dresses. Oh my! I exclaimed. Those dresses will just have to come off now and go in to soak!

Still the victims, Beth and Debbie simply complied while I yanked their dresses over their heads and tossed them aside. Beth wore a leopard print bra and pink bikini panties with a little picture of Hello Kitty on the font. Debbie had on a black bra with red boy shorts. I would have gone with the mismatched look too if I hadn't had the bridal lingerie on. Jim loves it when my underwear doesn't match.

You know your hair just doesn't have the body you gave mine, I said and grabbed several eggs. I didn't bother to crack them and instead just smashed them into the tops of their heads.

We were all starting to giggle by this point. My script I'd written called for us to just do tit-for-tat hits for a few minutes. We set up our first scene. I was standing in the middle with Beth to my right and Debbie to my left. All of us held pies. I turned and decked Beth in the face. Beth cleared her eyes and went for me. I ducked and she plastered Debbie. I stood up facing the camera while I laughed and pointed at both of them over my shoulders. However Mona forgot Curly still had a pie which she shoved into my face.

Then we just let loose for a bit, pieing each other over and over in the face, breasts and crotch. Finally Steven rang a bell to sound like someone else had entered the shop. The three of us, in our underwear and totally covered in glop at this point, looked up. Steven focused a close up on me. I wiped my face and put on a look of shock. Oh my, sweetie! It's you! I know I'm late, but I can explain!

Brad put down the hand-held camera. Steven left the master camera on the tripod trained on all three of us standing in a row. We had another small table full of pies for the finale and they moved that over just behind the camera. As we stood there and submissively took their onslaught, Steven and Brad plastered the three of us with pie after pie and all five of us tried to keep from bursting out laughing. When all of the editing was done, The End was superimposed over our pie barrage and the scene faded out to the tune once again of Three Blind Mice.

The video was an absolute hit at the party. But it wasn't over yet. However this chapter has gotten long enough. There's more mess and more strip tease to come in Part 2!