Darcie Makes a Convert: Part 3
(Or Olivia is One of Us)

We slept in and skipped church on Sunday. We're not Easter and Christmas types, but there is just only so much daylight in the summer and we love our weekends. Of course I don't have to work and the girls are home all the time, but I love to spend every second of our free time enjoying my hubby.

I'd just gotten out of bed when the phone rang. It was Olivia.

Darcie, I just wanted to talk to you before we left town, she said. I think I'm having second thoughts about trashing my gown completely.

She had come so far. Had I been wrong about there being a complete change in her? Don't quit on me now, Grasshopper. Have you told Jared? I asked.

He's packing the car, she replied. I wanted to talk to you first before I said anything. I've realized that I've been getting these strange feelings ever since you started coaching me.

What kinds of feelings? I asked. I thought I knew, but I wanted her to describe them.

They started right after I began doing what you said with Jared at home, but they kept getting stronger, especially when we went to the beach and you made me take pictures and then again at the dunk tank. But they were stronger yesterday than at any other time. They kind of scared me.

Try describing what you felt, I said. I'm no therapist, but I was sure I knew what she meant.

Well, especially yesterday, after the first time Jared shoved me in the water, the she paused for a second, the urge to have him do it to me over and over got stronger and stronger. It was like a narcotic a high. I know the idea of him 'being mean' was all in fun, but I wanted him to be mean and to tease me.

Not only that, she went on, but I got stirrings that I don't think I've ever felt. They wereI don't know.

Incredibly feminine? I offered.

Yeah but it wasn't only that, she said. I also feltah

A little submissive? I offered again.

That's it! she said excitedly. I wanted Jared to shove me in the pond over and over. I wanted to stand there and have all of you watch while he doused me with bucket after bucket of water. If he'd asked me to dive in the mud or slide over the grass, I would have done it in a second. It didn't matter that we weren't supposed to totally wreck my dress. I felt so submissive to what he wanted; I would have done anything he asked. And boy, did I love the feeling him trashing me was causing!

So far she was just describing normal for me. So what's wrong with that? I asked.

My mom always taught me that I wasn't supposed to think that way about a man, she replied.

Ah-ha! Now that was the answer to why she'd kept what I believed were her true natural urges bottled up! Honey, it's natural to want to make your spouse happy, I said. It flows both ways. We all make fools of ourselves sometimes. Sometimes it's by accident but others like yesterday, we do it on purpose. It's learning to laugh at yourself. If you're laughing at yourself, then no one ever laughs at you, just with you.

It's not that people were laughing, Olivia said. Hell! I thought what I did yesterday was hilarious. But Mom, raised me as a feminist, she stated. She taught me that we're each supposed to create our own happiness and not depend on a man for anything.

Oh man! More of that nonsense that I had to deal with in college.

Liv, I began, trying to be as tactful as possible, sometimes our parents don't always give us the best advice.

But what she's taught me always sounds so fair, Olivia replied.

Well, let's look at it this way: What happened when you left our house last night? I asked.

We headed back to the hotel, but I saw this lingerie store that was open late, she began. All I'd brought was a little chemise, but I suddenly wanted to look a lot trashier for bed that night so I made Jared stop and I went in alone and bought this bustier and panty set, garters, stockings, the whole bit.

When Jared saw me in them, he picked me up and threw me on the bed, she said, beginning to sound more like she did yesterday instead of the conflicted woman who called me.

Then what happened? I prodded. I knew what eventually happened but she sounded like there was more.

Jared pounced on me and ripped them to shreds! They were brand new and he ripped them to shreds! she said.

How did you react?

I screamed. I laughed. I called him a 'damned horny bastard' and I let him have me, she replied. I was still feeling so submissive from earlier that nothing he could do to me would upset me.

If you don't mind me asking, I treaded carefully, how was the sex?

I can only describe it as 'He fucked my brains out', she replied. Darcie, no one's ever 'fucked my brains out' before in my life! He didn't even come close to what he did to me last night on our wedding night!

So you're saying you enjoyed it, I said. From ripping your clothes off to rocking your world, you enjoyed all of it.

The phone was silent for a few seconds. Yes, she finally replied. She paused again. I was going to say something when suddenly she blurted out, My God, Darcie! Four times! He made me come four times! Twice with his tongue and twice with his manhood!

We were getting into too much information territory, especially since it reminded me of what happened out on the raft the previous night, but I managed to collect my thoughts and say, And now you feel guilty because everything I've had you do, what we did yesterday and what you guys did last night is contrary to what your mother taught you.

I guess so, Olivia replied sounding calmed down again.

I was getting through. I took a deep breath and went on: Back in college, I knew a lot of professors and other students who thought along the lines of what you're saying your mom taught you. Before that, I never knew anything else other than what my mom did and she acts just like I do. I'm not saying your mom is this way, but when I compared the relationships those people were in to my parents, my parents won every time.

How so? Liv asked.

Liv, my mom and dad still act like a couple of teenagers, I said. I saw the results of their marriage and decided that it was what I wanted for me. To get what other people have, you have to do what they did.

What I'm about to say, I'm going to say because I've grown to consider you a friend and I love you, I went on. I knew Jared in college. When you guys came to the wedding, he wasn't the same person. But when we went to the dunk tank and all day yesterday, I never saw him without a smile on his face. You just said he ravaged and violated your body in ways you've never experienced. You have to realize that it's the change in you that's brought out the change in him. If you go back to the way things were and treat these last few weeks like nothing but a fond memory instead of a turning point, he'll go back to the way he was before. If you want more of what Jared did last night, then you are going to have to be the kind of person you've been these past few weeks.

I added, One other thing: I was shocked at how quickly you agreed to do everything I told you without any kind of an argument. We both know that you've been enjoying yourself and you haven't been doing this just for Jared, at least not lately.

Wow, you should be a therapist, she said.

I don't think I could come up with that sort of stuff on a regular basis, I replied.

Don't sell yourself short. You're very empathetic.

Sweetie, I said, I just realize that you've been keeping the real you, the generous one and the fun one, bottled up for a long time.

You're right, she said. Go ahead and send me that outline. I just reserve the right to take out anything I don't like.

It's your video, I replied.

Boy is my mom going to throw a fit when she finds out.

Let me get on my soapbox for a second. I thought feminism was supposed to be about women making up their own minds about how they wanted to live their lives. Olivia's mom wants her to be and think just like her. Sounds hypocritical to me.

Back down off the box I got Olivia's dress out of the soak and surveyed it. It was amazingly white. I hung it up and started working on the outline. I worked all day Sunday and for a couple of hours after coming home from the cleaners on Monday.

Funny story: When he saw the dress, the dry cleaner asked me, What the hell did you do to this?

I was told to tell you, 'Kellie Stuart sent me'. I replied.

Oh well, never mind, he said.

Anyway, I emailed Olivia the outline and she called me right back that evening to ask for only one change. I was really pretty vicious to her since she'd said, Do your worst, so I was surprised when the only change she asked for was to add a part for her maid of honor, Ricki. I'd sent Liv home with copies of The Slapstick Salon, a cell phone video of our bachelor party skit and Beth's trash the dress. She'd shown Ricki all of them, as well as everything from our wedding and her friend begged her to be a part of it. The more the merrier.

Well then, I'll get started on the script, I said, but you do realize that even though we're all going to get messy in this, that you're going to get the worst end of it by far, right?

It's MY video, isn't it? she asked, giggling. She was sounding like the silly girl from the dunk tank and drown the gown again. I'd better!

It took a couple more days to write the real script. Then we all sat down and Skyped over what we thought we could actually shoot and what was either too big or expensive. The story still revolved around one of Jared's old girlfriends who disrupts the wedding reception insisting he still loves her. Our basement was going to stand in as a reception hall because it was not only close to where we were going to be shooting the rest of the story, namely our property, pond and the bog, it was also a lot cheaper than renting someplace since my story called for lots of edible props and they weren't free. We weren't charging Jared and Olivia of course so we were forced to consider any money we spent on it an investment. At least we got to use clips to promote our new business with Kellie.

We also had costume shopping to do. Beth, Debbie and I didn't want our costumes to come from the used formals place since Olivia and Ricki would be in formal attire. We couldn't believe our luck though. Apparently at Goodwill, a clothing distributor had donated a truck load of ladies' suits from last year that they couldn't move. Now they were expensive for Goodwill, but for less than eighty dollars we got three satin business suits! Mine was a bright blue, Beth's was dark lavender and Debbie picked a green one. At the discount shoe outlet, we found two pairs of black patent leather stilettos for Debbie and me and a pair in bone for Beth. That left our lingerie. (Damn, I just gave away where the video was going!) Anyway, we ended up spending as much on our underwear as we did for the suits and shoes, but we found matching satin bra sets. One in blue for me, green for Debbie and red for Beth. (They didn't have lavender.) They all had black lace trim, garter belts and thongs. I preferred panties, but hell Jared had seen me in a thong, (and nothing else!). The bras were low slung bottom cups so there was plenty of cleavage, and we each bought a pair of nude silk stockings. We prepped the suits for filming. No, I'm not saying how. Go back and read how we ended up in our other skits we did for the guys and do the math.

We set the date for filming as the Saturday two weeks after the drown the gown which was also the day before Jim and my 1st anniversary. We only had one thing planned and it involved getting naked late at night under the waterfall so I didn't mind. Olivia and Ricki came over one day early. That was because the story required them to drive our ATV's and neither one of them ever had, (although I'm guessing it won't take too much prodding to have Liv get more experience at this year's Mud Fest). They came early to practice. Ricki was very cute and bubbly with an extremely dark complexion. She looked like that girl from The Mindy Project, Mindy Kaling, but a little more slender. As I got to know her, I was having a hard time believing that she was unattached, no husband or boyfriend.

How in the hell did you ever get Liv to agree to something like this? Mindy asked me while we took a break from ATV lessons. I've been after her for years to lighten up!

I'm sitting right here! Olivia joked.

I can't take the credit, I replied. I think her husband finally wore her down. Didn't you say it was four times that night after we did your wet dress shoot?

Olivia gave me one of those wide eyed I-can't-believe-you-said-that looks and laughing said, Shut the fuck up!

It's okay, I said, I was just as naughty that night. I went on to tell them about my deep throat experience, which I have not as yet recreated. But now that Jim knows I know howLet's just say I know that I'm never going to get that genie back in the bottle.

We practiced a little more after that. They didn't need to know how to do any stunts. They just needed to know how to ride on a dirt road and not fall off. Jim got home and then Beth, Steven, Debbie and Robert came over and we prepped some areas for the next day. Not saying what so we don't give away the story, but we all needed major showers when we were done. Jared arrived that evening. We had dinner and got to bed early because we had a long day ahead of us.

Beth, Steven, Debbie and Robert showed up early the next morning with their cars loaded with props. Since the shooting was at our house, it was easier for Jim and me to build up the reception hall set while everyone else concentrated on the propsOkay! It was pies and cakes! Like I was going to be able to hide that for long.

The forecast called for moderate to heavy rain today, just like it had for a real wedding almost a year to the day earlier. Of course rain would be perfect for shooting a messy wedding video. Of course this is coming from someone who thinks everyone getting soaked in a downpour made her real wedding better.

We had the place to ourselves again. Mom and Dad were gone for the weekend. Brad and Danielle took our kids with their kids on Friday to Turner falls. They took the camper so they would not be back until Sunday. Ashley was home from college for the summer. She had helped us get things ready, but she was gone today, probably out with Pete somewhere doing God-knows-what. I should talk, right?

Our master bedroom and bathroom became the ladies' dressing room. I presented Olivia with her wedding gown which the dry cleaner, assuming she was done fooling around in it, had placed in a storage bag. Aside from a few tiny mud splatters around the hem and some grass stain on the bottom of the train from it getting dragged around the yard, it looked brand new. Of course that wouldn't last for long.

I can't believe that this is the same dress that I was a drowned rat in all day two weeks ago, Olivia said. God, that was so much fun!

That was the Olivia talking whom I had come to know and love. We'd all seen the electronic proofs on line, but Kellie was bringing the actual photos today. We'd even ordered a few. I loved the bouquet toss, getting hit with the soapy water and the one where she had the bucket on her head.

Olivia showed us everything else she'd brought. It was her entire wedding ensemble. I want everything to look just like the real thing, she told us. She had a long veil that went down to her waist, over the elbow white satin gloves and a pair of white satin stiletto heels. The old Olivia never struck me as the stiletto type, but maybe the real Olivia got out a little during the wedding.

She had even brought her wedding night lingerie. We spent the night in the hotel where we had the reception, she explained. The romantic in me wanted Jared to remove my dress and see elegant lingerie waiting for him. It consisted of a white bustier with garter straps, thong and white silk stockings. She even brought her bridal garter along and a faux diamond necklace that sparkled like the real thing.

You know that none of that is going to survive, Debbie commented.

Beth and I both looked at each other and cracked up. What's so funny? Debbie asked.

Inside joke, Beth replied. We were both struck at the same time with the irony that Beth had said something very similar to me when she saw the good clothes I was wearing when we were planning to go play in the mud, (needed to prove something to the control freak, remember?). Right after that we both walked outside and were immediately plastered head to toe with mud (yet again) by both of these other ladies' future husbands. How's that for a small world?

That's the whole idea; isn't it? Olivia said, responding to Debbie's original comment. I'm supposed to be 'the fearless bride', she added. How can anyone call me fearless if I don't put all of my cards on the table? If I want to destroy everything I wore at my wedding all to make a funny video, I should be able to!

Olivia got into her lingerie and provided us with a real wedding picture so we could recreate her hairdo. It was a pretty simple pull up and pin with one clip in the back. Then Ricki, Debbie, Beth and I got into ours and we did our hair and makeup and helped Olivia with her makeup. I've already described The Three Stoogettes' lingerie. Ricki wore something similar to what I ended up wearing in the pond before my deep throat adventure in blue with white silk stockings and her blue satin bridesmaid's gown.

I wish now that I had asked Olivia what color that gown would be because Ricki's gown and my suit almost matched. Too late to do anything about it now. Ricki also wore a pair of the infamous dyed shoes. They were satin stilettos identical to Liv's but dyed blue to match the dress.

Olivia looked so pretty once her dress was on with her veil. For drown the gown she'd done like a lot of women do, just thrown the dress on. Only the bravest of brides does any type of trash the dress in all of her wedding finest, and that was exactly what Olivia intended to do.

All right. Jim keeps nudging me and telling me that I deserve some credit for being a fearless bride too. He points out that not only did I do a trash the dress in my full wedding attire, it started during the ceremony and continued through the reception. Then again, our wedding was a fortunate accident. Now that I think about it though, had it been pleasant and sunny and I did do a regular trash the dress photo shoot, (What do I mean if?) WHEN I did a regular one, I think I would have worn my complete outfit.

Okay, now enough about our wedding. This is Olivia's story. The rest of us women got dressed and completed our outfits with some costume jewelry before we met the men downstairs in the basement. The only other person requiring a costume was Jared. Armed with a scan of their wedding picture and his sizes, a trip to the rental formals outlet had scored Beth a black tux with a dinner-length jacket, tuxedo shirt, a bow-tie and cummerbund in the wedding colors and a pair of black tux shoes for forty bucks. Of course everything was sort of worn and the shoes had a few scuffs, but it was fine for what we needed it for and it nearly matched the way he was dressed for the wedding. A little prepping for what was to come later and it was time to get started.

Kellie was going to be in charge of still photography of course. Jim, Robert and Steven would share the responsibilities of directing, lighting and operating our two very expensive high definition cameras. Kellie had also suggested we include a gag reel of bloopers and silly stuff that happened so Jim and Robert also had their personal camcorders to catch anything funny that might happen during breaks. They also warned us that they had some things in mind to do to us that were specifically for the gag reel.

You'll be good sports about them, right? Jim asked.

And when in my life have I not ever been good sport about anything? I let him pie the hell out of me and rip the only clothes I had with me to shreds when I'd only know him for two weeks for cripes sake!

Ooooo! I'm getting so excited about this! Olivia said as we positioned everybody to start. She literally sounded like she was going to bust. I've been so nervous about what we're doing.

Did your mother find out yet? I asked.

Nope, she replied. We're trying to hide it from her as long as possible. I just hope she doesn't have some reason to want to see my wedding dress!

It seemed like it took forever for the guys to get everything the way they wanted it and of course we all had our opinions as to how they should do it. Finally the cameras and lighting were set up and Olivia, Jared and Ricki were positioned in front of the wedding cake table.

Now before I get started, I want to tell you about our props. We had the wedding cake. Only the base was real cake. It was a big round one like mine and Jim's. It had four tiers above it balanced on columns. They were Three Stooges cakes hollowed out and filled with Kool Whip, marshmallow cream or chocolate pudding. Like our wedding, there were a bunch of small round single-layer cakes which were the guest cakes, but unlike ours, they were also Stooges cakes. Ashley had taken a cake decorating class, a good one, and helped us out in that department and so for very little money we had a nearly professional looking wedding cake.

Oh and did we have pies! I won't tell you how many, but we spent more on them than we did costumes and only about twenty percent were store-bought. Those were the blackberries and cherries. The rest we made ourselves out of crusts and Sam's Club size cans of pudding and Kool whip.

The cakes were all arranged on the table around the wedding cake and a big bowl of red punch with pineapple slices in it and the pies were all off camera.

Oh, and I need to tell you for the sake of technical nitpickers out there, we did shoot some scenes all together or out of order, such as close-ups for our chase scene that comes up later. We also had to do several takes early on because the excited Olivia kept blowing her lines. So unless something is important that stopped us, like something that ended up on the gag reel, I will be describing the video as it looked when it was edited and finished.

Now where was I? Right! Olivia, Jared and Ricki were all standing in front of the cake. (By the way, the rain was starting to fall outside. Uncannily much like our wedding day no lightning, just a warm but steady and sometimes pouring rain. The kind I love to grab the whole family and run outside to play in!)

Thank you so much for being my Maid of Honor, Ricki, Olivia said.

It was my pleasure, Olivia, Ricki replied. It was such a beautiful ceremony and you are such a pretty bride.

And don't forget my handsome groom, Jared, Olivia said running her hand up his back and through his hair. I'm so lucky to have him. They shared a gentle kiss and Jared stepped away, dropping Olivia's hand as he left the shot.

You mean to steal him! I shouted from off camera and then Mona, Lori and Curly made their grand entrance. (We didn't open this with The Three Blind Mice and our Three Stooges knock off title card for the one we gave Olivia and Jared, but we did edit it into the versions we made for ourselves.)

Mona, you tramp! Who invited you three? Olivia demanded.

We invited ourselves, nyuck, nyuck! Debbie said with her voice squeaky like Curly.

Well I'm uninviting you, Olivia shot back, all three of you!

Too late. We're here, Beth said.

And I mean to take back what's mine, I said, waving my finger around, namely my boyfriend. I tapped Olivia's nose on each syllable of boyfriend.

She shoved my hand away, Well he's not your boyfriend; he's my husband now! she declared.

Lawyers can fix that, sweetie, I said with a snarky tone, but I have to get him out of here and to do that I have to do something about you!

As I spoke, Beth and Debbie stepped around the two of us and got behind Olivia. They grabbed her arms and turned her to face directly into the camera with her back to the table and held her.

You know what we do to boyfriend stealin' little tramps around here? I asked right up in Olivia's face.

No. What? she said with a sarcastic sneer.

This!

I was just off to Olivia's right. I reached behind me with my right hand and grabbed one of the round cakes from the table and swung it around roundhouse style to splatter it right into the center of Olivia's face. The marshmallow cream inside shot out on all sides to get on me, Beth and Debbie, but the majority of it stuck right onto Olivia's features while some dripped down and hit the front of her dress and still more landed in her cleavage to ooze down between her tits. Now I held the plate there for a second for effect, but I noticed Olivia shaking behind it. I dropped the plate, worried that she might be in some sort of trouble. Then I found out why she was shaking. As soon as the plate was out of her face and she could breathe better, she cut loose with this visceral laughter. She was trying to keep from laughing when the plate was there and she couldn't breathe.

THIS IS WHAT I WAS NERVOUS ABOUT? THIS IS WHAT MY MOM SAID WOULD DEGRADE ME? she shouted, totally breaking character. Give me one of those!

She broke free of Beth's grip and grabbed another one of the cakes and before we could stop her, plastered herself hard in the face and splashed Kool Whip everywhere. At least the Kool Whip was white and matched the marshmallow. Lucky it wasn't a chocolate.

She tried for another but we grabbed her. You're going to get plenty more in your face before we're done, I said, trying to control my own laughter. Let's not mess up the shot.

Looks like we got our first clip for the gag reel, Jim said.

I'm so sorry, Olivia said, her voice cracking with giggles. I just got carried away!

It's okay, I replied and then my wicked streak got the better of me. Oh, what the hell! I added and making sure to grab one of the marshmallow cream filled cakes I swept it up and slapped it hard into Olivia's face. She squealed and nearly doubled over as more of the sticky cream rolled down the front of her wedding dress.

Well when we went back to doing the take, she obviously had a lot more white cream on her, especially shoved up in her hair, but she said she didn't care so we moved on with the next line that took care of the problem anyway.

And this! I said just before Beth and Debbie sandwiched poor Olivia's head with two of the hollowed out cakes filled with chocolate pudding. Chocolate and white icing enveloped her whole head and completely obscured her pretty features while her dress, possibly salvageable from the white cream, suffered its first terminal stain of the day, but not the last, as chocolate dripped onto her shoulders and on down the dress. Olivia's veil stuck to her hair in the back, glued by sticky mess.

And even this, I went on and smashed a cake filled with Kool Whip down onto the top of her head. Again, I also got us three girls too. We'd get it a lot worse before it was over anyway.

We all stepped out of the shot to leave Olivia there by herself. But mostly this! I said from off camera and Jim let a banana cream pie fly right into Olivia's face that exploded. We had to pause for her to get over another case of the giggles that went into the gag reel. Ricki stepped into the shot from the side and looked at Olivia and then turned to face the camera with a WTF expression on her face only to have Jim plaster her with a chocolate cream pie right in the kisser.

Well even though Olivia lost it a couple of times, her character was supposed to remain stoic and silent while she was caked and pied. Finally, she got to say something. She wiped the piles of glop on her face down with her hand so it purposely fell onto the dress and cleared out her eyes. Jared, come here and help us! she yelled.

Jared walked into the shot and stared at the two of them. As he turned toward the camera he said, What the hell happened to you? He was standing directly in front of Olivia and when he was fully turned around, his character saw Mona (who in actuality was Jim off camera) about to throw a pie at him.

Surprise, Lover, I said.

Oh! Crap! Jared exclaimed and ducked as Jim let go and the blackberry cream, one of my personal favorites for ruining fabrics, found its real mark, Olivia's visage. The blackberry filling and whipped cream splattered up into her hair and veil, down her dress and cleavage and all the way over onto Ricki. Olivia was supposed to be stoic again and succeeded this time.

Jared said, Sorry, dear, and sampled the blackberry cream pie by sliding some off her face with his finger and licking it. Olivia blinked her eyes open, picked up one of the chocolate-filled cakes and plastered her husband with it.

I stood with my back to the wall and Beth and Debbie on either side of me. Jared, you're coming with me! I declared. Jim, Robert and Steven, pitching for Olivia, Ricki and Jared, decked the three of us with pies. Beth and Debbie both got banana cream, but that Yankee knows that I don't like to play around and plastered my face with a blackberry cream. It felt good to finally join the ranks of the pie-faces. It felt really good when the blackberry sauce dripped into my jacket and landed in that low-slung bra. Call me weird if you want to, but I just love getting splattered over and over and getting messier and messier.

We cut and restarted with Beth and me on each side of Olivia. Oh, a wise guy, eh? I asked in my best Moe Howard. We each pulled back pies and attempted a sandwich, but Olivia ducked and I plastered Beth with cherry cream while she shoved a chocolate cream in my face. We both cleared as Debbie walked up to us doing her Curly laugh. I wish you could hear it. Quiet, you! I commanded and decked her with another chocolate.

Olivia and Ricki stood with their backs to the cake and both held pies. We'll show you, Olivia said and they cocked them up to throw, but from off camera, Jim and Robert plastered them with blackberry creams first. More blackberry oozed down into Olivia's and Ricki's cleavage and over the fronts of their dresses. We had to pause here because both of them got an uncontrollable case of the giggles.

Gag reel, Jim said.

When they composed themselves, they both wiped pie down their faces and onto their dresses with one hand while still holding their pies with the other. They raised them up to throw but not before Jim and Robert splattered their faces with banana creams.

They maintained control this time and we were able to continue the bit. Growling, they wiped the banana and whipped cream down their faces and onto their boobs. They lifted the pies up to throw and got slammed in the face with blueberry, (Kool Whip pies with blue food coloring). Olivia and Ricki slumped their shoulders in defeat. Then they shrugged their shoulders and took the butterscotch creams they were holding and plastered themselves in the face. They looked into the camera without clearing, stuck their tongues out through the glop and went, Nyahh! Never to let anyone get away with anything like that, my darling husband and my dear old love plastered them in the face with more chocolate creams.

Olivia was unrecognizable by this point. Her face was totally obscured. Her beautiful auburn hair was a tangled matt of whipped cream, pie filling and crust. Her dress, that beautiful gown that the dry cleaner was able to rescue from all the abuse we gave it in the pond, was spattered in all colors of pie filling from her bosom to her knees. And we were just getting started.

Debbie, Beth and I lined up against the wall holding pies. That should teach you to steal my boyfriend! I snarled and we cocked our pies up to throw. We all joined the ranks of the unrecognizable ourselves when Jim, Robert and Steven repeated the Curly Bit with the three of us. My suit was covered in pie down the jacket and short skirt. It even ran down my stockings. I sure hoped Olivia was having fun because I sure as hell was! (I was starting to get horny too!)

As if in answer, while Olivia was getting ready for the next shot she said, Gee Darcie, I thought you were going to do your worst to me!

Jared was next to her. Oh be quiet! he snapped and swooped up one of the round whipped cream cakes from the table and plopped it in her face. She leaned over and pulled him up close to her and have him a big messy kiss. She rubbed her messy, messy satin gloves through his hair and of course smeared gobs of pie and cake from the front of her dress onto his tux. Jared grabbed another one of the cakes, pulled her veil out of the way and smashed it into the back of her head and smeared it deep in her already pie-matted hair. Olivia squealed but offered no resistance.

Gag reel, Robert quipped.

Hey! I yelled. We need those! We really didn't. We had way more than we needed. At the time I didn't know why but the guys' gag reel stunt would explain it soon.

Splat! A blackberry cream exploded in my face and down my ruined satin suit thanks to my darling husband. He really does know how to treat a girl!

Wow! I can't believe my luck! Kellie suddenly exclaimed. I wiped my face and saw what she was talking about. There on her camera's LCD was a picture of me she'd just taken. My eyes were clenched shut and my mouth was wriggled up in a defeated expression and no more than three inches away was the blur of a flying blackberry cream pie. She advanced though her rapid shots and you could see the initial impact and then a purple and white explosion shooting out from my face in a near perfect circle.

I just happened to have it focused on you and the auto-advance enabled, she said. Hey, can we do some more like these? Maybe I can get some like this of everybody!

Well what do you say when someone asks, Can I hit you with pies over and over again in the hope that I can get more perfect pictures of your sticky, creamy humiliation? Well if you're me or one of my friends you say, You betcha!

We were going to do something else here, but instead we did an around the room with each of us ladies in close up getting plastered by pies. We were videoing and Kellie was taking pictures. After about five pies each in the face, Kellie had the poses from each one of us she wanted. Of course we posed correctly each time, but like getting Olivia being hit with a bucket of water while throwing her bouquet, Kellie's timing wasn't always right. Okay, if you want to know the truth, Kellie was satisfied with the first pictures she took of each of us. We kept rejecting them so we'd have to pose again! Even Olivia's friend Ricki was as big a glutton for punishment as we were.

We finally got back on script. It had called for a free for all instead of what we did, but Olivia's next scene still fit in perfectly. She stood with the wall behind her and cried, Please! Everyone stop throwing pies!

This in the world of slapstick is what is known as The Barrage Invitation. The guys had put the cameras on tripods and left them running so all arms would be available and we had all lined up behind them. As soon as Liv delivered her line, the poor girl and her once beautiful wedding gown were bombarded with pie after pie mercilessly. Chocolate in the face, banana in the face, butterscotch up and over her head, blackberry cream in the face, cherry cream in the face, another blackberry into her boobs and then a chocolate into the lower half of her dress, the only part that wasn't multicolored by this point.

All in all about thirty pies impacted some part of the pretty Olivia during just that segment and she stood there and took them without so much as a flinch. When it was done, she brought her gloved hands up and slowly rubbed the glop down her dress and into the fabric at the same time. She wiped her hand down her face and cleared out her eyes. Finally she dug pie out of her boobs. She looked into the camera and asked, Is that all you've got?

Splat! Jim really showed her what a girl who was asking for it can expect with one of his fastball pitches, landing a banana cream square in her face.

OW! Olivia shrieked but immediately burst into another attack of the giggles. That's usually how I reacted to a fastball pie to the face too.

We decided to take our break for lunch now. It was pouring rain outside and we thought if we eat and then shoot our final messy indoor scene that it might let up a little by the time we needed to go outside. Debbie, Beth and I had fixed up box lunches for everyone, but then Steven announced that it was time for dessert. Jim, Steven and Robert passed out bakery pies to everyone whole pies!

Why are you giving everyone a whole pie, dear? I asked. You know we can't eat the whole thing.

Just cut out a piece you want and leave the rest, Jim replied. We have way too many.

I figured something was up that meant a lot more pie in five ladies' faces, but we're good sports, right? So I went along. My suspicions were confirmed when Robert walked up to us filming us with his camcorder. I'd already cut a small piece from the big blackberry cream that they had plopped down in front of me and eaten it.

Darcie, are you going to finish that? Jim asked pointing to my pie.

Of course not! I replied, fully expecting what happened next. Jim swept up the pie and smashed it in my face. I sat there stoically and took it and blinked my eyes open after he'd decked me.

Steven walked up to our table. Robert was still filming. Hey Jim, you gonna finish that? he asked pointing to the huge bakery chocolate cream pie with one small sliver cut from it.

Nope, Jim replied.

HA! I said, pointing at Jim and never once expecting Steven to hit him with the pie.

I wasn't wrong. Steven picked up the pie, reached across the table to grab the back of my head with one hand and smash the chocolate cream in my face with the other. Knowing I was still on Robert's Handy-cam, I swept my hands down both sides of my face and threw the glop to the floor in mock frustration.

Now everyone saw this. You'd think they'd learn. At least they learned the bit. Jim picked up his camcorder and gave it to Steven. Robert sat down next to Debbie who had been watching my humiliation the entire time and pointed to her banana cream pie that she hadn't touched.

You gonna eat that? he asked.

No way! she replied.

Okay, Robert said and plastered her in the face with it.

Jim pied Debbie next with Robert's blackberry cream and then the three of them moved on to Beth who fell for it the same way.

You didn't really ask why she'd do something like that did you? Why did we give Jared permission to cover us in mud with his truck? Why did I stand by and let everyone pie and cake me at my wedding reception, or stand in line to be thrown in the pond? Why did Olivia ask to be hit with another bucket of water? You should know us by now. We were past the point of simply not caring about getting pied. We wanted it. It didn't matter whether or not it was part of the actual video.

Olivia was next. Jared had of course learned the drill by now. You gonna finish that?

Yes! was Olivia's reply. She grabbed the blackberry cream up and in a single motion plastered herself with it. All of the guys lost it. When they composed themselves, Robert pointed to Jared's strawberry cream and asked, You going to eat that?

No, Jared replied.

Then I want it! Olivia shouted and before Robert could reach for it, she snatched it up and smacked herself in the face again. Blackberry and strawberry filling fell into her lap to join the glop from her recent barrage. I'd indeed created a monster. I was usually the one who was not to be outdone. Well it was her video. Just the same I may have to step it up. I have a reputation to maintain.

The guys almost didn't move on to Ricki after that, but they didn't want anyone to feel left out. After Steven had plastered her with the pie she wasn't going to finish, he said, Well this isn't fair. You only got one.

Well somebody better give me a pie then! she said, standing up and putting her hands on her hips.

Splat! Jim nailed her in the face.

The guys weren't done with their gag reel antics and since it didn't matter how destroyed we ladies looked at this point, (and the fact that we love it), we were happy to play along. I was sitting next to Olivia and chatting about how she was enjoying herself when Jim and Jared stepped up with a stack of pies and set them on the table next to us. They began to have a conversation among themselves, pretending to ignore us as Robert filmed them.

Jim, I have to throw a pie later in the video, Jared said. I've never done that. You seem so good at it. Can you give me any pointers?

I looked at Olivia and rolled my eyes.

Sure, Jim replied. It's a matter of getting the correct arc and the correct power behind it. He reached for one of their pies. Like this.

Jim tossed the pie and it of course splattered right on target in my face. My blue satin suit was stained purple and chocolate all the way down to the hem of the skirt but there was room for more. Berry sauce and whipped cream dripped into my lap as I nonchalantly cleared my eyes.

You mean like this? Jared asked before he tossed a chocolate cream into his beautiful bride's face. Olivia added more color to her once silver-white satin gloves as she cleared her eyes. We instinctively knew how to act. They were treating us like we were inanimate objects so we treated them like they weren't there and didn't acknowledge their attack.

Hey, that's pretty good! Jim commented. But try to get a little more force behind it, like this!

Splat! He introduced Mr. Banana Cream to my face. I blinked my eyes open and licked around my lips.

I see, said Jared and it was Olivia's turn for a blackberry cream again.

Looks like you've got it, Jim said. Now let's try a variation, the roundhouse. Jim grabbed a pie, stepped to the side and swung it around like you'd crack a whip, letting go at the precise point to propel the chocolate cream directly into my waiting face. I wiped it down my face and then wiped the collected glop down my suit being careful to smear it well into the fabric. I primped my glop-matted hair with hands covered in pie and then reached into my pocket. Whenever I knew that I was destined to get the worst end of it like this, I came prepared. I pulled out a cheap compact and lip stick. I licked my lips clean and then used the mirror to apply fresh lipstick. I thought Robert was going to drop the camera. Jim was used to my antics and ignored me, but Jared lost it for a second.

Let me try, Jared said after he regained his composure. He stepped to one side and swung a banana cream around and let it go to explode in Olivia's face. She pushed it back into her hair around both sides of her face.

Jim said, That's it. Now you stay here and practice, and walked away. Olivia and I just sat there calmly while Robert filmed Jared splattering the two of us with pies again and again.

Our break was over and it was time to go back to getting messy. (Like it ever stopped!) It was time for the big finish to Act One. Olivia took her mark in front of the big cake, dripping pie glop all over. I stepped up to face her, equally as trashed and Debbie walked up behind her.

Mona, it is time for you and your other stooges to leave! Olivia demanded.

I don't think so, hussy! I countered. I grabbed the top tier of the cake, tossed the bride and groom and slammed it into Olivia's face. Chocolate pudding splattered out of the hollowed out section, going around Liv's head and getting Debbie in the face. Debbie grabbed the next tier and spun Olivia around by her shoulder. She slammed the marshmallow cream-filled section into her face and kept her spinning. Despite my own face full of marshmallow cream, I got hold of the next tier and kept Olivia spinning around to me so I could plaster her in the face with the Kool Whip filled section. Debbie kept her spinning to slam the final and largest tier full of chocolate pudding into her pretty face. Then we kept spinning her around and around. We finally let go of her and the fearless bride wobbled back and forth for a few moments, turned toward the table and fell face-first into the large bottom layer of the cake. She was supposed to play, passed out but we could hear her quietly giggling in there.

Jared rushed into the shot. Darling! What happened? he cried.

Come here, you! I said and Debbie and I grabbed him. I put my hand over his mouth and Beth joined us to drag him away. Get the presents too! I said as we left the shot.

Ricki came running over to Olivia who was still fighting the giggles with her face buried in the whipped cream icing and fine white cake.

Olivia! Olivia! Wake up! Ricki shouted, shaking Olivia's shoulders. Olivia didn't budge. Ricki pulled a chair around to the front of the table and pulled Olivia up. She turned her and sat her down in the chair. Olivia was still pretending to be out of it. She was covered; I mean COVERED in cake. I'd not seen anything like it since Mom's little joke at our reception. The whipped cream icing and fine, sticky white cake spread from her head, neck, down her cleavage and down her dress to her waistline. What a great sport!

Olivia! Ricki shouted, shaking Liv's shoulders and shaking cake from her.

Ah-ah-ah, was all Olivia said, shaking her head and rolling her eyes.

Ricki, threw up her arms in an, I give up, gesture and then spotted the punch bowl. She looked back and forth from the bowl to Olivia several times and finally said, Oh, hell! She grabbed the punch bowl up and tossed the entire contents onto Olivia, hitting her mainly in the face but soaking her trashed wedding gown with dark red punch completely down the front to the hem of the dress. It had to have soaked through her white lingerie and stockings too! Several of the pineapple slices stuck to her including two in her hair, but it rinsed most of the cake away. She coughed, shook her head and shot up out of the chair.

What happened? she asked.

Ricki replied, They ran off with Jared and all of your gifts!

Well let's get that husband-snatcher then!

Wow! This got long fast! I thought sure that I could tell you all of Olivia's transformation story in three parts, but I guess it's going to be four. Be here for Part 4 A New Mud Goddess!