Bryan felt like the luckiest guy in the world. He was 32 this year and had a well paying job, a rugged body most men his age would kill to have and in a week he would marry the love of his life. In addition, he was just closing up on one of the best weekends of his life, at a beautiful cottage by the beach, with his closest friends: Stu, Ryan, Danny and Trevor for his stag weekend. They'd eaten great food, played paintball and had an overall great time. Life couldn't get better than this.

It could temporarily get much worse though.

Bryan stood on the porch in his denim jeans and white vest, watching his mates pack. He was going to help, but they convinced him to "watch them struggle" as a gift. As they were packing the car ready to leave, he noticed two bags he hadn't seen before. From a glance, they looked to be full of food, which he found strange since he'd already packed the leftover food into the car. But what was stranger was that the guys seemed to be ignoring them. They went for the stuff around it, even stuff that would've been easier to do after that bag was packed. At one point, Trevor kicked one over, and some of the contents came spilling out, which gave him a small look at what was in it: ketchup, baked beans, dog food... dog food? No-one he knew owned a dog, and certainty not any of the lads. He wanted to see more, but Trevor picked it up and repacked it as quickly as he kicked it over.


Suddenly, the boot slammed shut, mysterious bags still outside the car. Ryan didn't have time to worry about that though, as Stu had taken his hands behind his back and was dragging him towards two parallel support beam holding up the roof of the porch. He took out some thick, blue rope from his pocket and tied one hand and one leg to each support beam. Meanwhile, Danny had pulled his jeans down revealing his white boxers shorts while Trevor and Ryan had carried the mysterious bags to him. Trevor pulled out a camera and then Bryan knew he wasn't going to like whatever was coming next.

"Alright lad, ready for your final present?" Stu cockily said.

"Fuck off!" Bryan said half pleading, half playfully. The rest of the gang all laughed. Stu took an egg and smashed it on Bryan's hair, making sure to rub it in.

"There better be bacon next." Bryan retorted.

Of course, the one thing you don't want to do is retort to people who have you tied up. Stu smashed two more eggs on top of Bryan's head, and opened his vest a little to let the goo dripple in. Danny grabbed the ketchup and squirted it all over Bryan's body, making sure to rub it into his thick thighs. Some honey was opened on his head by Trevor and he squirmed as he felt it slowly drip down over the front and back of his vest. Ryan opened a tin of beans, and Bryan tensed when he saw him slowly make his way down his body and to his socks. He tried to kick away, but to no avail. The top of his thick left sock was opened up and Bryan could feel them slowly making his way down his legs to in between his toes where he could feel them squelching about, which was probably the worst sensation ever. However, Ryan stopped about halfway, and Bryan breathed a sign of relief. His relief was quickly shattered when he realised Ryan only stopped to switch feet. In no time, both his feet felt like soft pebble were placed in-between his toes, and he was sure it was the most uncomfortable thing he'd felt in his life.

Five seconds later, the most uncomfortable thing he'd even felt in his life happened to him. Danny opened up the front of his boxers and dropped a huge handful of wet dog food inside, making sure to rub it in. Bryan leaned his head back and groaned a little. Big mistake, huge. At the same time, Stu poured two entire packets of custard over his head making him get a face full of it, forcing him to spit it out, some of which landed on Stu's head. However, the small satisfaction he got from that was quickly replaced by cold custard spilling into his still open boxers. Once he was sure they were fully filled, Danny let the waistband go. He went round to Bryan's back and shoved another handful of dogfood down his backside, making Bryan squirm a little. He grabbed one last handfull and rubbed it down and over his vest. Bryan could hear footsteps coming round to join Danny down the back, and he could also hear the unmistakeable sound of a can of whipped cream being shook.

"Alright, Bry?" Trevor teased in a thick Scottish accent, before spraying the cream down the back of his boxer's and rubbing it in, along with the dogfood. Trevor then squirted the cream down both arms, in the front of his boxers and under each elbow. Bryan could only managed a half scream, half laugh in response.

Bryan could only manage a half scream, half laugh, which he repeated as Ryan repeated the exact same thing as Trevor, just in reverse order.

"Right, you ready for one more thing?" Stu asked.

"Anything!" Bryan pleaded.

"Alright lads, let him have it!" Stu ordered. Suddenly, Bryan could feel one huge custard pie slam into his face while his boxer's found themselves pulled down for two more pies on each cheek, then quickly pulled up again. He could feel the custard raining down his body and leaking out his underwear, as well as the crust sticking too every orifice it could. He had some small satisfaction from the disgruntled grunts from Danny and Ryan that some of the splashback had landed on him. His satisfaction wouldn't last long though, as he heard all of them moving towards the backyard, some murmured voices, and two sets of footsteps coming back: one was still there. He knew exactly was what coming next.

"Sorry Bry, but you've gotta come clean" Danny said smugly, like he'd spent all weekend thinking of that bad pun. Then, a hose was turned on and a huge wave of water came barrelling towards Bryan.

"Fuck thats freezing" Bryan screamed as it hit him. The water travelled up and down his body, removing all the mess that had hit him quicker than it had appeared. The water travelled round the back, making sure to get most of it off. Then came the dreaded bit. The lads stuck the hose down his boxers, making sure to cover every orifice. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the water shut off, the ropes untied, and with a towel thrown at him, Bryan pulled his jeans up and started walking to the car.

"Ah ah ah, we haven't given you one last gift." Stu called.

"If it's another pie I'm not interest-" Bryan called back, before turning around and seeing a new set of clothes pulled from the bag.

"You didn't think we were gonna let you go home like that, did you?" Trevor asked?

Bryan didn't answer, he excitedly grabbed the clothes, ran back into the house and was out again faster than you could say "custard pie" wearing Calvin Klein white boxers, black trousers, a nice blue polo shirt and a rich looking black suit. He higged all his friends, thanked them for an amazing weekend, climbed into the car and drove off into the sunset.