The following is a great WAM story I came across some years back. Enjoy!


ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOODBALL?


I'm a big fan of pro football. If it's Sunday or, better yet, Monday night, you'll probably find me watching an NFL game. I'm also a big fan of pies and gunge.

Anyway, I found a guy his name is Tyler who is into football and getting messy as much as I am. So we decided to combine the two and really have a memorable Monday night. We even decided to call our encounter, Are You Ready For Some Foodball?

I got home from work around 6 pm that Monday night and I immediately started setting up for Tyler's visit. Since the big screen TV was in my living room, I laid down some plastic to cover the furniture and walls. I made sure that I had plenty of supplies on hand so that our game wouldn't be interrupted the way the ads slow down the games on TV. About a half hour before kickoff, Tyler showed up at my door, with even more things for us to play with.

He looked good. His long brown hair, parted in the middle, fell down over his forehead and brushed against his ears. He was wearing a Patriots jersey, with BRADY on the back above his #12, and jeans. It was loose on him, and the white jersey sparkled. Meanwhile, I was decked out in my white #80 Giants jersey, with SHOCKEY on the back. I'm not sure that either of us looked like football players though he is 22 with his slim build and my beefy, hairy body. Okay, he could pass for a defensive back and I could be a defensive lineman. But it was FOODBALL we were getting ready to play, anyway...

So here it was: He had the Patriots and I had the Giants. New England had played better ball so far this year, but New York always seems to get up for Monday night and a national audience.

Our game was simple: Every time a team got a first down, the other guy got a pie in the face. When the Pats moved the ball, I would be getting messy. But if the Giants got a first down, Tyler would be wearing pie. And, every time a team scored a touchdown or a field goal, the other guy had a bucket of gunge waiting for him. And, if someone scored on a kickoff, punt return, or interception, well... there would be a penalty to pay.

There we are, wearing our jerseys and white jockstraps, surrounded by pies and buckets.

Kickoff went to the Giants, and QB Collins went to work. Handoff for three yards, incomplete pass, bringing up third-and-seven. Then another passto Toomer. Looks like he got enough for a first down, but the refs have to bring in the chains. So I grab a cream pie and hold it in front of Tyler's face. The ref signals first down, and so I splat and then smear the cream all over Tyler's face. His hairuntouched this timefalls down over his face. He just sits there and smiles and says, Hey, just wait 'til we get the ball! The Giants go back to work, and Barber runs 15 yards for another first down. I grab another pie and slam it into Tyler's faceand then slide the pie up onto his hair and mat down his hair. Pie has dropped onto his clean jersey, but he takes it like a man.

Then, while he's still recovering from the second pie hit, Collins drops back and unloads the ball into the end zoneand into Shockey's outstretched arms. I think to myself, Man, does that guy look good in a football uniformbut not as hot as Tyler does in his! With that, I reach for a bucket and set it down in front of Tyler. He gets down on all fours and says, Go ahead. Let me have it. And with that I reach behind his head and push it down, all the way down, into the bucket until chocolate pudding comes gushing out of the bucket. His head emerges, totally covered in pudding, and I lift the bucket over his head and dump the pudding onto his head. It's Giants 7, Patriots 0, and man, am I having fun!

That's the scoring in the first quarter, and the Patriots have to punt to the Giants. The kick is high and long, and the Giants have an opportunity to return it for some good yards. It's Mitchell to the 50, the 40, the 30, the 20, 15, 10, 5... touchdown! Tyler sits and I reach out to his jersey and rip it off him. I stick his jersey into a bucket of applesauce, immersing it completely, and then tell him to put the jersey back on.

Well, we used 27 pies, and six buckets of gungechocolate pudding, maple syrup, applesauce, chocolate syrup, white cake batter, and oatmealthat night. Tyler got the worst of it, as the Giants won, 24-10. Yes, I got pied 12 times and got head-dunked in the chocolate syrup and the oatmeal, while Tyler took the other 15 pies and other buckets of gunge.

We went to the bathroom after the game was over and showered up. I lathered up his head of hair and we washed each other off. It was a great way to watch a football game between two pretty good teams.

Anyone else Ready For Some Foodball?